Cried my mascara to my chin...

[Recooperating]

Hi all, just felt the need to vent a bit... .

Dont know what it is about today. I've been reading a lot of sorrow on the boards today... .

Must be a full moon or something

I've been doing ok the last 4 weeks NC. A few good days, a couple of bad once and some medioker ones... .But today was hell!

I've been avoiding crying and giving into it, afraid of breaking NC. But today I just couldnt hold back anymore. I listened to sad music and tears just gushed! I have never felt this amount of grief and pain. I was suppose to get married this coming monday in the carribean with my dBPDexbf... .But I broke it off a little over a month ago after a series of verbally abusive episodes. Every other night he would break up, tell me how worthless I was and that I didnt care and never loved him. (If I told you the things I did for this guy... .Unf-cking believable)

I was really really tempted to break NC in my moments of despair, which lasted pretty much the whole day. I unblocked his number, posted quotes on FB publically (dumb!) and added songs to my youtube channel (pink-dont leave me, linkin park - numb, anouk - better off alone, mary j blidge- no more drama). All very BPD apropriate. He still follows me on youtube so I'll guess he'll notice... .

The crying felt relieving, but I hate how weak it makes me. I'd rather stay with anger, that somewhat empowers me to keep on going. This grief and sadness is just awefull. Its like my gut is being ripped out, my heart is being stabbed and I wanna pull my hair out. I've experienced break up before... .But never like this. I hate him, but I love him (sounds like BPD!)

But I kept NC, blocked his number again... .I really dread monday... .Oh well lets start with tomorrow first... .NC it is!

[Indyan]

I was suppose to get married this coming monday in the carribean with my dBPDexbf... .

Oooh, sorry to hear that  :'(

[myself]

Want to offer some support for what you're going through. I was supposed to get married a few months ago but didn't due to our final breakup and subsequent NC. She's tried contacting me, to let me know I'm no longer the "love of her life", but I didn't respond. I've been realizing in the last few days that the summer has come and gone and I walked through it in a half-daze, going through the motions at work, not getting much done as far as personal projects. I cried many times, but it's been tapering off. I didn't see it as weakness, more that I was facing what I'd been through, the loss, the pain. It was a release to let it out, and I feel better that I did. Letting go is one of the hardest things I've ever done, but it was the best choice possible given how terrible the situation had become, how different her reality is compared to mine. How persistent her bad patterns. I hope you find and make some peace with this. 

[Harri]

Hi Recooperating.  Be extra good to yourself these next few days.  I understand the desire to avoid crying.  I do that too sometimes but with me it is because I am afraid I wont be able to stop.  I think you know though that the best thing you can do is to allow yourself to feel whatever it is you are feeling and to allow yourself to cry. 

Crying does not mean you are weak.  It actually takes strength and courage to allow yourself to cry and heal.  You can't really avoid this part of the healing process... .well, you can, but it does not lead to anything good and will only make the grief and pain last even longer.  So be good to yourself and let it out as you need to.   

What do you plan to do on Monday?  Is there anything you can think of that will be good for you to do? 

[Loveofhislife]

Recooperating--I feel your pain--and not just because I have empathy.   I agree; sounds like a lot of us are really hurting right now. Kudos that you remained NC!   I too have been VERY close to texting him: something, anything. Let me know you're alive; let me know I'm alive. Did you ever love me? Do you miss me? ANYTHING! But we know that will just create more pain. He was to have moved in with me this month after a 1+ year relationship. I just read a publication Freedom33 posted earlier today--says they leave us when we attach to them. I'm guessing a good many of us were left by these runaway brides. And I for one need to go buy some waterproof mascara--never sure when the tears will erupt from this volcano of disappointment.  :'( Sending light and love to you now, Lovie

[Junknown]

Oh, take it easy :/. You did the right decision!

Im sure you, like everyone else around here did your best for him. But they demand more and more and are never satisfied or recognize what we did. In the end you keep thinking, "could i do more?". There is always more you could have done, but that would come at the cost of your sanity, soul, and life... .

Dont be mad at yourself or feel so bad! You are free now and theres a world out there full of things to do, people to meet and hope .

What i suggest for you is taking the next few days for yourself. Do something you really enjoy or wanted to do for a long time! Make it some kind of celebration for cutting the ropes that attached you to a cancer in your soul (because its what he really was. And you know it for sure... .) instead of uniting with him in a celebration that would only cause you regret on the future.

Of course you think in all those moments that were good. I had mine too. But if i make a balance from it all and weight the before and the after i can see that what i had was a really stressful, demanding and unsatisfying relationship and now im calm, relaxed, and i can really enjoy life without the drama and stress imposed by a dysfunctional person that relies on others to fulfill her needs and flaws... .

Stay strong and learn and grow with this experience you endured. You are a survivor! And you should be proud of yourself

[SpringInMyStep]

Recooperating... .it's ok to feel sad and let yourself cry. We all have these emotions and it's just part of the process.

We've all been through it, but it will get better. Even though a lot of us have anger, we can't forget that we really really loved our partners at one point. We thought they were awesome and wanted it to work so much.

The thing that makes us stronger is recognizing that this dynamic is toxic and we are taking steps to regain control of our lives.

Be strong and vent anytime!

Hugs... .

[drummerboy]

Not getting ANY closure was probably what I wanted more than anything in the first few months after she went NC, so I totally empathise with you Loveofhislife. The questions I wanted to ask, did you ever really love me like you said you did, was our relationship as special for you as you said it was, how can you just switch off the "love of your life" did our time together mean anything at all to you?

Now I don't care, I've given myself my closure. In figuring out why it broke my heart like it did you gave me a great gift, to look inside myself and address things I have needed to address.

Recooperating--I feel your pain--and not just because I have empathy.   I agree; sounds like a lot of us are really hurting right now. Kudos that you remained NC!   I too have been VERY close to texting him: something, anything. Let me know you're alive; let me know I'm alive. Did you ever love me? Do you miss me? ANYTHING! But we know that will just create more pain. He was to have moved in with me this month after a 1+ year relationship. I just read a publication Freedom33 posted earlier today--says they leave us when we attach to them. I'm guessing a good many of us were left by these runaway brides. And I for one need to go buy some waterproof mascara--never sure when the tears will erupt from this volcano of disappointment.  :'( Sending light and love to you now, Lovie

[Recooperating]

Hi family,

Thank you so much for the encourgement, understanding and loving words. It truely helps in these nasty days... .I am surrounding myself with friends this weekend and I feel a bit better.

I went to a national park with one of my best friends and my dog to take a long walk in nature and it helped. I feel calmer and better.

I told my friend the ins and outs of my rs with the dBPDex today. The story of his double live, cheating on me, living with another woman, the physicall fights, the lying, manipulation and all the stupid all the stupid things I allowed. Taking him back when he left the other women and even paying his rent, cause he had nothing. I had told my friends some parts, but the stuff I was really ashamed of I kept to myself. She was flabbergasted to say the least. She said she didnt recognize me at all in these stories! She has known me for so long, she never would have guessed I would allow these things to happen since I am such a rational and strong independant woman... .Or used to be... .

It felt good to finally tell my friends the truth... .

It also made me realize once more that my rs was a big fat lie. A movie-like fantasy, unreal, created by a man that knew how to manipulate me to a tee (and I let him). The man I love does not exist, never did, never will. I can morn the loss of a dream, I can morn the loss of my own self-worth, energy and spark, but morning a man that never existed... .?

I made the right choice, it was the only sane thing I have done in quite some time. Not getting married this monday is a blessing. I would have ended up on the divorce board with mich more pain and suffering, maybe even had kids and hurting them in the process.

Im sure Ill have relapses, i still find it hard not to look at his FB (he looks like he's having a great time!). But I have to keep going. No matter what. I am 34, somewhat nice looking, smart, and a good person (a bit too good, but working on it). Even if it doesnt feel like it now, ill thank myself for this later.

Thank you family for pulling me through this! 

[toomanytears]

Recooperating... .it's ok to feel sad and let yourself cry. We all have these emotions and it's just part of the process.

We've all been through it, but it will get better. Even though a lot of us have anger, we can't forget that we really really loved our partners at one point. We thought they were awesome and wanted it to work so much.

The thing that makes us stronger is recognizing that this dynamic is toxic and we are taking steps to regain control of our lives.

Be strong and vent anytime!

Hugs... .

Letting go... .it's so hard... .for all of us. It's a process that's excoriating at times. After the ups, when you think it's all over and you can go forward again, comes a down that just scrapes the very bottom of your soul

[Tibbles]

Hopefully after having such a hard time the last few days tomorrow will be easier. Maybe that was the emotional release you needed to have to get through tomorrow. You have survived so much and grown so much, hang in there. x x

[merlin4926]

Going through the same thing. Been feeling much stronger, anger passed and I was feeling quite a lot of compassion. Then someone mentioned he posted on fb about new partner and I just can't stop crying. How can it all of meant nothing to him? How can he have moved on while my life's in tatters? I want him to hurt like I'm hurting.