Showing I'm looking, likely to help engulfment or cause abandonment?

[missblue]

I know that nobody can know exactly how someone will respond... .but I know there's a lot of you who have a lot more experience and a lot better guesses than I do at this point.

It really looks like I'm dealing with a pwBPD who is dealing with engulfment fears. It's been on/off, black/white  between us for 4 months, with last on spell being about 7 weeks ago.

Right now, he claims to be "pursuing a relationship" with someone else... .but there is none of the gushing on facebook that there was with me and the other girl he was chasing... .and he's still actively on a dating website... .and he's lied on seeing other people before, so there's about a 50/50 shot I'd say.

My T has suggested that I show interest in dating others... .to reactivate my dating website profile knowing he's still active there and start considering other options... .to apparently try to show that I'm not overly obsessed and an engulfment threat. To give the message that I'm not that crazy into loving him like I've been showing him prior to this.

But she did also mention that this would probably get him to miss what he's losing and fight for his place back feeling there was a real threat to it now where he didn't on the other rounds.

I don't really think he would respond that way... .I don't think he has the self-esteem most of the time to feel like he could win the fight to feel like he should fight, and he'd probably just see it as evidence my being better off without him and evidence that I didn't really love him.

Is this likely to actually help reduce the engulfment fear, or just reinforce abandonment? I want to encourage him to return, not to make him feel like I've given up on him, but will making him wonder help with the engulfment to get that result?

I'm not too convinced that this T actually has much experience dealing with BPD... .but then, I'm just now even figuring out what I'm dealing with... .so I'm not too sure about my perceptions in this either.



(Backstory if it matters: He'd asked me to move in with him, then in a 4 day span suddenly decided that "a heavy relationship isn't good for him" and dumped me... .and for the last 4 months we've been back and forth between love and hate, together for 2 days then dumped again, on and off... .last on spell being about 7 weeks ago. He will give nonsense reasons at the time, but after things calm he will tell me that he got scared because things were moving too fast, or he panicked, or he thinks I deserve better and he's only going to keep hurting me. I hadn't the foggiest clue what I was dealing with, and have been totally chasing him all through this and telling him how much I love him, etc, so probably making things much worse... .with the exception of a spell of going off on him in anger and going nc and trying to get over him, which was when he started chasing after the other girl. He is seeing a T, though he's told me its for PTSD. A T that I was seeing had read my 16 page history since the first breakup, and had told me it "very strongly suggested" BPD, which seems to fit and explain a lot.)

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[vortex of confusion]

I am still relatively new here but figured I would chime in with a few thoughts. First, there is no way that you can predict whether or not it will cause either feeling. I have been with my husband for 16 years and still can't accurately predict his reactions. His reactions seem to change from day to day. One day he will be totally fine with something and the next day it will make him hopping mad.

One of the things that I have seen recommended by the long timers (and the lessons) is to focus on yourself. If you want to date other people, then do it. Unless the two of you have a commitment to each other, there is no reason for you to feel obligated to him. If you don't want to date, then don't. Don't do things because you are trying to chase him. Getting into that pattern can cause lots of problems down the road.

[Suspicious1]

I had a very on off relationship too (ended 4 months ago) and I can tell you that there wasn't much of a pattern. He could see what I was up to via social media and used that to hurt me while I was split black. He'd make it look like he was dating someone else and make sure it was visible and pointed at me. He only came back when I indicated I'd be receptive.

This time is totally different. He's been checking my profile and has taken the odd swipe in the past, but he hasn't stated he's seeing anyone, and nothing I've done has sparked his interest. I've been actively looking and I've been confirmed single. Not necessarily to get his interest, but I nevertheless I thought I'd get a response. I've just been on a tentative couple of dates. I doubt that will spark any response either as, like yours, he wouldn't have the self esteem.