Dreams of her every morning when I wake

[RisingSun]

This is really getting old. Every morning when I wake I'm in a dream about my stbxw. They aren't nightmares, although these dreams I'm having do have the same effect.

The dreams are usually about some interaction where my stbxw and I are on good terms. They're pleasant in an unsettling way. It's like my mind won't come to terms with her abusive side which predominated throughout our relationship.

I wake up with this sense of false hope. It lets my guard down and I start to miss her terribly. I can't seem to get the realization to stick that she's an abusive tyrant who has little to no compassion or empathy. My mind won't ground into the reality of who she really is, an illusion of a kind soul. In my dreams she's a perfect, loving partner.

What's the deal? I want to move beyond missing her and drop down into the reality of how awful she treated me over the years. But my mind is stuck in this dream loop.

Anyone else have these dreams? Any idea of how to make them stop? These dreams are tearing me apart at the seams.

As I write this I'm having a realization. I've been living the past 11 years in this relationship following a similar dream. A dream that she was a loving and kind person at her core. I was negating the fact she was abusive to the core. Now's the time for me to wake up from this dream fully and completely. Easier said than done though.

[freedom33]

Dreams according to depth psychology that takes dreams seriously can have a compensating effect in relation to the attitude that the conscious mind has. So for example, if your conscious attitude to her is that she is pure evil, the unconscious through its manifestations i.e. dreams will try to compensate for that extreme position to bring about some balance in the individual. I used to have such dreams too when I thought she was the devil incarnate. Ultimately what I think we want to happen out of this process is to find a middle position and eventually detach and move on. This can't happen if we get pulled into extremes. I think this pretty much resembles the honeymoon/hater phases inside of us. I know how tough it can be. Hang in there bro.

[freedom33]

Speaking of dreams I had a promising one the other day. A woman that no one knew who she was and no one could see her (neither me in my dream) died in a car crash. Sounds terribly like my ex. I am saying promising not of the literal but of the symbolic content of the dream i.e. her psychic structure in me has died. That would be a good start... .

[Jersey Roots]

 I've had several dreams of the exBPDgf... .real... .vivid... .of all the hurt and emotional trauma I can remember the one thing that I do in my dreams, I can look her in the face and not say anything, I just keep walking. Not even a look back. No confrontation. Its like I keep no contact even in the dream. No rage, no hate. When I wake... .I do feel a bit sad. But I have to remind myself that I only miss the improv actress... .who she portrayed,not who she actually was. She was so good. But Im glad shes gone.  Hang in there! Its still challenging in a lot of areas.

[Lights843]

Good news: the dreams will pass and when they do life becomes amazing. I had horrible flashbacks and dreams. I always assumed it was my brain dealing with the trauma that truly did take place.

Time heals and it's a little different for each of us.

[christoff522]

I had a dream once, I saw the BPDx and when I did I ran as fast as I could away from her. Literally I was terrified of her. Weird thing though, i would have thought I would have more dreams of her. I guess I just can't remember them, but theres always been an absence of dreams of her - very strange.

[BlackandBlue]

I dont dream of my exwBPD every night, but usually a few times a week and I know how bad it sucks. I had a dream with her in it Friday night. It wasnt necessarily a bad dream, in fact it was pleasant. The woman in it was very attractive and nice and while i was dreaming i didnt realize who it was. Then as soon as i woke i realized it was my ex and it ruined my day... .i ended up having a total meltdown because she was in my head all day. I just want this torture to end

[merlin4926]

I agree that dreams help us process things. I've been writing my dreams down and I've had a couple that have actually happened a few days later. I don't believe there's anything freaky just that my conscious mind is exhausted with thinking, wondering, hoping etc so when I'm asleep my brains dealing with it.  I'm hoping that when I'm asleep some of the 'getting over him' is happening. Some of my dreams give me the opportunity to say what I want to him without him raging back at me and that makes me feel good

[RisingSun]

Thanks for sharing your experiences and wisdom.

I've been having these dreams almost every morning since I've been NC (3 months now). All the dreams she's in, she's being very soft and kind. In the dreams I feel no animosity or anger toward her in the slightest. When I wake I feel a deep longing and closeness with her. It's killing me! I don't want to feel this for her. She treated me so badly over the years and especially during the ending of our marriage.

I haven't been able to find a way not to have these dreams. When I go to bed at night I'm usually feeling angry with her. But when I wake it's the flip side.

This is really driving me mad. It's not a good start to my day. I would much rather start my day feeling angry as hell with her, than begin my day with this useless longing.

I guess I just need to give it time.

[Hope0807]

I've experienced the same and found great comfort in making sure I read something uplifting or just neutral before bed, or even listening to some music before I go to sleep.  I've also read about the importance of "emptying the mind" (visualizing the thoughts pouring out) and it may sound silly but it's all made a HUGE difference.  Sometimes the sadness over the loss was so overwhelming before I would even open my eyes in the morning that my heart started racing like a panic attack.  Give it time, but steer your brain elsewhere just before you drift off to bed.  It may not work the first time, but we Non's are rewiring our addicted to the BPD brains in this healing process.

Hang in there!

Thanks for sharing your experiences and wisdom.

I've been having these dreams almost every morning since I've been NC (3 months now). All the dreams she's in, she's being very soft and kind. In the dreams I feel no animosity or anger toward her in the slightest. When I wake I feel a deep longing and closeness with her. It's killing me! I don't want to feel this for her. She treated me so badly over the years and especially during the ending of our marriage.

I haven't been able to find a way not to have these dreams. When I go to bed at night I'm usually feeling angry with her. But when I wake it's the flip side.

This is really driving me mad. It's not a good start to my day. I would much rather start my day feeling angry as hell with her, than begin my day with this useless longing.

I guess I just need to give it time.

[woofhound]

Shortly after my (completely heart wrenching and devastating) break up, my doctor put me on an antidepressant called Amitriptylene, one of the major side effects of which are vivid dreams. Every night would be an exceptionally life like dream concerning her. Once I dreamed that I was paralyzed in my bed, and she brought another man into the room and had sex with him while looking me in the eyes. Another time I dreamed that I was in a haunted house and she was a disfigured ghost.

This does, in fact, happen. The best thing for me was working out why I felt I still wanted her. In doing so, I discovered that I had a problem. I wanted her to need me and for me to need her.

Begin with working on your "self" and your self esteem. The rest will follow.

As for the current situation; reflect. Think about why you feel the way you do. Even if its ugly, especially if its ugly, look at your own faults. Only after we look at ourselves can we begin to alter those behaviors.

With love,

The Woofhound

[NeedHelpPls]

We dream of what we desperately hoped the person to be... .and wake up to harsh reality.

[Chasing_Ghosts]

We dream of what we desperately hoped the person to be... .and wake up to harsh reality.

Never farther from the truth my friend. It seems ive been afflicted with the sleeping sickness as city and colour describes. Everynight consecutively for the past 3 weeks ive had a dream about her. Some very vivid and lucid with such euphoria. This shows me her fantasy is my drug. Other times they are glimpses of her flash in rapid changing visionary dreamscapes of pure exctasy. This shows me the small glimpse of what i saw of her is not sustainable as it too reinforces the fantasy of it all. A happily ever after like disney so synonymysly painted would be a wonderful thing but perfection cannot be achieved in a fallen world. The fall of man has made it so we cannot enjoy such wonderful simplicities. Because it is just that simple without our faults such love would be effortless and attainable but man has an inherently sinful nature. All we can hope for is what this existence can realistically offer which is a love of two people equally giving and sacrificing all they can to sustain this which entails loving each other for all of not only their light but dark as well. A balance of two that have a synchronized flow together in a harmony and find the calm in even the most trying of storms. Finding ones respective yang to their yin. This is my dream and i know even with all the unconditional love i have for my ex in her current state of being their is no balance in our opposites only a perpetual chaotic cycle that ultimately consumes. I still believe she is my soul mate and the bond we share in that is eternal. I also think we all have more than one of those available in our hearts desires and i realize at least at this time my journey is to be true to my spirit and live my life. If our paths so do cross in another chapter written in this the book of life through an effortless encounter by fate and i truly see a change in her then id be willing to open up my heart to her again. As it is said expectation is the root of all heartache so i must let life happen and always be open to opportunity.

Sorry i got off on a rant... what can i say im a rambling man.