Normalizing through writing

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Interestingly I talked with my therapist about the omnipresent emotional connection I have with the memory of my relationship despite the rational part of me knowing her departure was for the best (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=232987.0).

She is a CBT therapist and said that, first, trying to block the experience out of your mind is ineffective.

She suggested two tools to confront these thoughts (She quoted some literature used for war veterans), and one of them was to write about the details of the relationship. Obviously this forum largely fills this to some extent, but she suggested a prolonged and detailed account of the relationship. With the details, the highs, lows, and the banalities as well are included in the narrative. It is cathartic to express these thoughts in writing, but it also doesn't allow us to bias our thoughts on just the wonderful things we were addicted to. It is just a narrative on a relationship with all its warts.

The other tool was to introduce and explore new experiences (learn a new language, learn to draw, re-build that 67 VW bug, etc) that occupy our present thoughts and gradually push the memory of our relationship further and further into the margins of our consciousness.

I hope this helps.

[Shell shock]

Interestingly I talked with my therapist about the omnipresent emotional connection I have with the memory of my relationship despite the rational part of me knowing her departure was for the best (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=232987.0).

She is a CBT therapist and said that, first, trying to block the experience out of your mind is ineffective.

She suggested two tools to confront these thoughts (She quoted some literature used for war veterans), and one of them was to write about the details of the relationship. Obviously this forum largely fills this to some extent, but she suggested a prolonged and detailed account of the relationship. With the details, the highs, lows, and the banalities as well are included in the narrative. It is cathartic to express these thoughts in writing, but it also doesn't allow us to bias our thoughts on just the wonderful things we were addicted to. It is just a narrative on a relationship with all its warts.

The other tool was to introduce and explore new experiences (learn a new language, learn to draw, re-build that 67 VW bug, etc) that occupy our present thoughts and gradually push the memory of our relationship further and further into the margins of our consciousness.

I hope this helps.

[merlin4926]

I agree that writing stuff really helps.  This year on my birthday I was remembering what a perfect day I Had last year with him - so thoughtful, considerate and caring he was. 

When I started to write about it though I remembered that actually he refused to get up in the morning, raged, told me to stop being in a mood with him, he was hungover had to borrow money from me (which he didn't pay back).  Our great night out (which was fun in part) ended with him going home without telling anyone, kicking his front door in and smashing his phone and stereo while I was left in a bar with his friends not knowing where he had gone.  The day after my bday he removed all evidence balloons, banners, cards etc because his ex came round and he "didn't want to upset her"

Writing stuff makes me accept that even during the idealisation in put up with stuff I would never have taken from anyone else.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Shell shock, Agree with both suggestions.  Writing is a terrific way to "process" unresolved emotions.  I used to suppress my feelings, but now try to acknowledge and work through them by writing about them, talking to a friend or family member, or taking other positives steps (e.g., exercise, art) to process them.  They say repressed feelings can manifest in physical symptoms, such as back pain.

I also agree that introducing and exploring new experiences is quite helpful.  It seems to open up new pathways in the brain that crowd out the old memories.  For example, I had always liked mandolin, but only started playing seriously after the b/u with my BPDx.  That mandolin has proven to be a terrific stress reliever!

LuckyJim