Do you find other BPDs and NPDs in your life?

[PinkieV]

Hello all,

I'm usually on the Legal and Co-parenting boards (my DH's ex is uBPD), but after a family party yesterday, I needed to get some perspective on BPD and NPD in my own family. Once you found this site, did you realize you knew other people - family or friends- who are BPD/NPD? I kind of feel like that kid in the Sixth Sense: "I see BPD/NPD people"!

I grew up with two older brothers and a younger brother. All three have had various addiction issues, the oldest dying from liver failure almost three years ago, the second oldest self-destructing again right now, and the younger one doing really well. Little brother and I were expecting to see our older brother yesterday, and he was a no show. As the afternoon went on, we were all comparing notes, and it really hit me that both the older boys both suffer(ed) from PDs. My oldest brother's oldest daughter is a classic BPD as well, and my brother and I even acknowledged that our mom had some tendencies.

I look back at my interactions with my brothers and niece and wish I knew then what I know now. I honestly don't like any of them very much, but that could be from the abuse I took from the two older ones after our mom died - I was the executor and they accused me of stealing money, would email and call me horrible names, etc., and the horrible confrontation I had with my niece last year. I had no idea how to minimize contact, set boundaries, etc. and would cry and message and beg them to stop. I was playing right into their hands.

I'm on VLC with my brother, and NC with my niece. My brother's downward spiral this summer has caused him to lose a lot of support from other family members, yet he has not approached me at all. I'm thanking my lucky stars, as he's been abusive and stolen money, in one instance from my 14 year old nephew. I think he has realized my ship has sailed, thankfully. I see glimpses of my niece on FB as she's still friends with other family members, but I blocked her completely, as did her two sisters. I have good relationships with them.

I want to keep my sanity intact and keep my now peaceful life rolling along. I don't want to read things I've learned into other relationships, but yesterday raised so many red flags that I can't ignore them. How prevalent is BPD/NPD in the general population? Does every family have one?  Thanks for your comments.

[Kwamina]

I'm usually on the Legal and Co-parenting boards (my DH's ex is uBPD), but after a family party yesterday, I needed to get some perspective on BPD and NPD in my own family. Once you found this site, did you realize you knew other people - family or friends- who are BPD/NPD? I kind of feel like that kid in the Sixth Sense: "I see BPD/NPD people"!

Hi PinkieV  and welcome to coping and healing,

You raise a very good point here. Learning about BPD really opened my eyes to a lot of things and I started to look at people differently. I started to identify BPD like traits in others but that didn't necessarily have to always mean that these people had BPD, but they did at least sometimes behave BPD-like. A big difference between BPD-like and actual BPD is the frequency and intensity of the emotions and behaviors of the person.

A big realization for me was that as a result of being raised in an environment with BPD family members, I was in a way so comfortable with it that I sought out friends who basically exhibited BPD behavior too. Not that I really liked that behavior, but it was all I knew and in a way I only felt 'safe' in an environment including a certain level of BPD chaos. I hadn't yet learned how to operate or feel comfortable in an environment without BPD elements. You could say that I tried to get away from a toxic BPD environment only to find out later that I migrated to another toxic place  And now I'm migrating again to a more healthy place, still on the lookout for BPD's though because you never know

[clljhns]

Hi PinkieV,

Love this discussion topic! Yes, I have come into contact with several NPD's and BPD's. I have several I my family that I suspect are NPD or BPD. I believe my mom to be BPD and dad NPD. MY oldest sister and sis51 I believe have a lot traits of NPD. I think my brother is BPD. I have been married to two men who would definitely qualify as NPD. I was friends with a woman who I now see as BPD.

The question arose for me once I made these connections if I really wanted to continue contact with any of them. With my FOO, I still hope for a civil relationship. I don't have any delusion that it will be warm and caring, but civil would be okay. I choose not to associate with anyone who exhibits these traits. I am immediately leery of anyone who wants to form a strong attachment quickly. This, for me, is a clear indication that at the very least the person is an energy vampire, if not a PD.

Thanks for this provoking post. I look forward to reading your future posts.

Peace and blessings!