Taking out the middle man

[caughtnreleased]

So, as per usual, my uBPD mother rarely if ever gets in touch with me directly.  I get a message from my sister yesterday telling me the "crazy lady" (How my sister refers to mother) is going to be in my town and wants to know if I want to do an activity with her and my sisters kids.  I responded that I would get in touch directly with our mother, she didn't have to be middle man.  She responds OK.  Now that leaves me with the responsability of getting in touch with my mother which to be honest, I'm not all that enthusiastic to do.     I feel like if I don't give her enough attention in my email she'll get mad.  I am in fact tempted to just send her a message to call me so we can talk about it and remind her what my phone number is, which I don't actually think she has... .is that obnoxious?  Is there a better way for me to approach this, given that my mother has not actually directly communicated with me in many, many months.

[Kwamina]

Hi caughtnreleased,

Given the situation I'd say the likelihood of your mom getting mad or offended is quite high no matter what you do. I personally think it all depends on what you feel comfortable with. Do you want to do an activity with your mother and your sister's kid? And have you told her before that you don't like it when she communicates with you indirectly like she did now through your sister? You say your mother has not directly communicated with you in many months, did something happen back then, perhaps only in her perception?

[funfunctional]

I have to agree I hate the whole middle man thing.   I feel like drama steps in even more.  Howver,   regardless of the middle man there will be drama.    As we know BPD's thrive on drama.   Whether you go thru sis or direct there is possiblity of drama.  There may be more drama for you going direct.

I am confused as to why you need to talk to your mom?   Do you really want to see her?   I think once you decide that that will help with the "effort" factor.  Otherwise,  sounds like your sister may be a good shield for you if you really want to see your mom.  You show up where she says they meet and smile and leave.     You don't have to reestablish contact this way.

Just sayin'

Good luck!

[caughtnreleased]

Hi, thanks for the feedback. My mother and I had a falling out at christmas as a result of my establishing boundaries... .as a result she has not communicated directly with me since yesterday.   I ended up reaching out to her directly, and she finally wrote me a long email to tell me that (after not having made any effort to visit me or come see me for at least year) she needs to stay at my house for a night, on the day that my brother in law is back in town (she and him cannot be alone in the same house together at the same time because they hate eachother and she is babysitting the kids while my sister is away)... . 

She also suggested we do an activity together during the day.  I am hesitant, but I think I will accept for her to stay at my place as it is only one night... .and I will lay down some strict rules.  I do not want to be NC with my mother... .but at the same time I need to be very vigilant about boundaries when she is around.  I'm actually quite ambivalent about it all.  However, she will be alone (ie not with my dad) and I think this may make the situation much more different than when he is around.  My sister tells me my mother is much easier to handle when my father is not around.   Anyway, I still need to think this through... .it's the first time in a loong time, maybe ever, that it will just be her and I... .  I don't know.  My feelings are extremely mixed on this... .

[funfunctional]

Good luck & I understand the not wanting to be NC thing.  That isn't for everyone.  There are varying degrees to any illness.   NOt all warrant the NC.

Enjoy!  Good idea with establishing boundaries and sounds like she has adjusted to that?