do they care if we forgive them?

[Leaving]

I think we need to stop obsessing about getting through to the Borderline.

When we do our recovery work I think  we need to let go as much as we can and forgive both ourselves and the pwBPD.


" The unrecovered pwBPD will not know what to make of the forgiveness, their reality is so different to ours. "

Yes, learning to accept that their reality is so different is the truly the most difficult thing.  I realize now that what my husband sees and hears and ' feels' is so completely different.  For years, I knew something was ' off' because just watching a TV show with him was like we each had our own TV's and he was watching a different show altogether!  It was impossible to make a connection with him or have a productive/constructive discussion with him about anything at all.

[fred6]

It's not forgiveness they want, because they didn't do anything wrong in their minds.  What they want is for us not to be mad at them.  If we aren't mad then there is always the chance that they can reel us back in.

Mine doesn't seem to care if I'm mad at her, much less any other feelings that I have about her, including forgiving her. That's the worst part about this. It's not the cheating, lying, dumping me, or kicking me out. It's the sudden(seemingly overnight)lack of emotions regarding anything that has to do with me. I don't know what they actually feel inside. But if you care, you show it. So no, they don't care if you forgive them, love them, or anything else that YOU do or feel for them. All they care about is what they do or feel, and it isn't us anymore... . 

[mywifecrazy]

if you have to deal with your ex on a regular basis, then it's different (we have a daughter). My choice not to forgive has to do with integrity and boundaries. If am even a little bit nice to xwife, she will assume I gave forgiven and forgotten everything and I will have to start the boundary setting all over. All kinds of lines will be blurred.

I am reminded constantly of who she is and what she has done to me. I wish I would never have to see her again.

I am in the same boat as you. People around me may think it's cruel of me for going NC with my uBPDxw even though we have two kids together. It's the ONLY way for me. It's the ONLY way I can heal and get healthy. Every time I break NC even in the slightest way I catch her lying to me and it just sets me back. NC is the ONLY way I may TRUELY be able to forgive her in my heart and mind. Nobody outside of these boards (bpdfamily) will ever understand that!

Like you, even though she is Mother to my (2) sons I wish I would never have to see her again. Unfortunately that's not reality. As a matter of fact if you know my story you'll know that she's living across the street from me and my sons with my neighbor and X friend... .UGH!

With Gods help I AM moving forward and I'm getting closer to forgiveness. You can't rush it. You have to embrace all the other feelings (anger, hatred, resent, etc) and process them in a healthy way, see what those feelings can teach you. Only then can you move towards forgiveness!    Just my thoughts... .lI could be wrong

I'm not sure if my uBPDxw CARES if I forgive her. I don't think she knows what forgiveness is. Does a 4 yr old really comprehend what forgiveness is TRUELY? I think they only understand that they hurt from the shame and guilt they feel. If they did offer forgiveness it would be to relieve themselves of those negative feelings not because they can feel your pain. Again just my thoughts.

MWC... .

[maric]

I don't they even think about it... .in their mind THEY were the victims... .it's so bruttaly disonest that makes me nauseous.

[PhoenixBlack]

I don't they even think about it... .in their mind THEY were the victims... .it's so bruttaly disonest that makes me nauseous.

They do seem to think about it but their condition won't 'let' them face up to what they have done most of the time. Many of them appeared to be wracked with guilt and shame over the people that they have hurt. There's a lot of posts about that on BPD help boards. I was under the impression that once they paint you black/cut you off or whatever, that you are nothing but a 'bad object' and that out of sight = out of mind. But when you look at BPD sufferer boards, you are presented with a far more 'human face' to the condition. The individual tragedies and daily emotional nightmare. Some of them (though not all) are perfectly self aware but unable to regulate their emotions or control their actions. How awful is that? To know that you repeatedly destroy relationships and lives and are all but helpless to stop it? It helped me understand them. And while the underlying theory of object constancy helps explain the behaviours, it's a very impersonal way (imho) to look at people. The very people we love(d).

Don't forget that they ARE victims too. They were victims of the circumstances/abusers who made them what they are. The things that some of them have been through is often far worse than that which we are experiencing and I know that this doesn't excuse in any way what they have done to us or make it feel any better… don't forget that they are people too.

I know it makes it easier to depersonalise the ones that have caused us so much pain and I get that, I really do - I'm here because of one. But if you really want an insight into their world, as one poster the other day suggested, head over to the BPD sub section on Reddit. It's both extremely harrowing and an eye-opening experience. It's given me another perspective on my journey towards understanding and forgiveness for myself and of her. She doesn't need to know or care that I have. Forgiving her is for my own closure.

[Tater tot]

I don't they even think about it... .in their mind THEY were the victims... .it's so bruttaly disonest that makes me nauseous.

Don't forget that they ARE victims too. They were victims of the circumstances/abusers who made them what they are. The things that some of them have been through is often far worse than that which we are experiencing and I know that this doesn't excuse in any way what they have done to us or make it feel any better… don't forget that they are people too.

my exuBPDbf loved this quote from the Joker "why should I apologize for the monster i've become. No one ever apologized for making me this way." Very telling, and very sad.

[Blimblam]

Remember they are individuals with varying degrees and manifestations of the disorder.  While each of our stories has much in common every scenerios is different. What I think it boils down to is on the surface they do not want us I be mad at them because it makes them feel bad.  Beyond that there is an part of them deep down that seeks forgiveness and is aware if what they did.

[maric]

Well, I'm sorry if I sounded harsh. Actually I had just discovered my pwBPD is traveling around with my replacement – while she left me just before a vacation I have payed for. It hurts me so much. That's what I think is so unfair... .I have no self-steem left.

[maric]

But I'll totally check the reddit forum, thanks Phoenix.

[Blimblam]

Well, I'm sorry if I sounded harsh. Actually I had just discovered my pwBPD is traveling around with my replacement – while she left me just before a vacation I have payed for. It hurts me so much. That's what I think is so unfair... .I have no self-steem left.

That is so rough!  I'm so sorry. There is no need to feel guilty for being upset.  Feel everything man experience it. Just try your best to hold into compassion and not project your anger onto others.

[PhoenixBlack]

But I'll totally check the reddit forum, thanks Phoenix.

You're welcome And as Blimblam said, don't feel bad… your reactions are perfectly normal and no one is judging. I think it's so rough what happened to you too. Anyone would be hurt by that. All I was trying to convey is that as well as all of us here at BPD family, they too are in need of our compassion and understanding. When you see the tragedy behind this awful condition from both sides, it helps with the understanding and healing process (at least it has for me). Over the past 3 months, I've been through so many emotions myself, from the initial high of being free from the abuse followed by hitting rock bottom with binge drinking and insomnia which left me barely able to function for a week or more. Despite it being me telling her that it was over, I wasn't prepared for the immense shock of her leaving just like that. I've been through the sudden emptiness, shock, anger and the rest.

Yes, I still think about her all the time fighting the urge to break NC, and yes there's a f***** up part of my brain that tells me that despite everything, I still love her (or who I thought she was rather). I wish I didn't. I tried hating her because I wanted to speed up my detachment, but that didn't work for me so the only thing left was for me to try and understand what made her do what she did. I'm still working on it.