how am i not supposed to take it personally?

[pieceofme]

i have been previously been posting on the leaving board, but have been in contact with my ex recently. he is trying to recycle. i have spent limited time with him (we met for coffee at starbucks - i figured a public place was safe) and we are speaking again every day. however, the past few days he's become short with me. i know he is frustrated that i refuse to sleep with him, but otherwise things have been relatively peaceful.

i have been reading the workshops and lessons about "not taking it personally," but it is so hard. there's only so many times i can let him take a dig at me... .or how long i can tolerate his short, one word answers (when he initiates the conversation in the first place, what's the point?)

any advice on how to proceed?

[drummerboy]

He's obviously causing you pain and confusion so the question that begs itself is, Why do you want him in your life?

If you want to restart the relationship, is he getting help for his condition? If he isn't, why sign up for more pain?  There are so many mentally healthy people out there to be friends with or have relationships with.

The fact is, he needs you but I don't think you need him. With a BPD, remember, they are totally self absorbed, it's always all about their needs, never about YOUR needs. Might be time that you started thinking about YOUR needs.

i have been previously been posting on the leaving board, but have been in contact with my ex recently. he is trying to recycle. i have spent limited time with him (we met for coffee at starbucks - i figured a public place was safe) and we are speaking again every day. however, the past few days he's become short with me. i know he is frustrated that i refuse to sleep with him, but otherwise things have been relatively peaceful.

i have been reading the workshops and lessons about "not taking it personally," but it is so hard. there's only so many times i can let him take a dig at me... .or how long i can tolerate his short, one word answers (when he initiates the conversation in the first place, what's the point?)

any advice on how to proceed?

[JohnLove]

Hi pieceofme, I think sometimes that is the hardest part. Separating your partner from the BPD behaviour. I have been able to do it. It also helps if things are going their way. You behave like water of a ducks back... .but is this how you want to be?.

Short one word answers are a trigger for me at this point (so I'll make this reply as long as I can   ). It is like they are not sharing their life with you. It feels like their is no intimacy. I don't like it. I have shared everything with my BPDgf but after a period when it becomes apparent that I am doing all the sharing after something is revealed that I should've been told about, even if it's not my business, I begin to clam up. This has happened historically quite a few times. We just sit there or lay in bed and say nothing. It's not awkward but it's just feels stupid.

I have learnt men view sex a little differently to women. Women want intimacy that leads to sex. Men want sex that leads to intimacy. I want both.  

I can see your problem here. You have to ask yourself if it is all worth it?.

[pieceofme]

bauie, no, he isn't getting help for his condition. he only admits to having anger issues, but it goes far beyond that. i wonder - along with you and all of my friends - why i want to sign up for more pain. you are right - it is hard to be with someone who doesn't care about my needs. it's not that he doesn't care; my needs aren't even thoughts that cross his mind!

johnlove, i try to separate his BPD behavior from him, but after so long of letting it roll off my back, i just want to explode! his shortness is definitely a trigger for me. in this particular instance, i have pulled away. not going to fight about it, but if he doesn't want to talk to me, then we won't talk.

We just sit there or lay in bed and say nothing. It's not awkward but it's just feels stupid.

yesterday i took him soup because he was sick in bed. he laid in bed and ate, while i sat across the bed from him... .all in silence. my exact thought was what you said, "well, this is stupid." so i left. didn't get a thank you and didn't hear from him for the rest of the day.

i feel like i am trying so hard, but i can't be the only one doing so. i guess it isn't worth it.

[HopefulDad]

I had a related discussion with my MC (who is a CBT and diagnosed my BPDw) about what it takes to stay with someone with BPD.  How to not take things personally.  How to validate.  How to SET.  How to avoid JADE.  All the things discussed here.

His take was that it is INCREDIBLY DIFFICULT to do because we're too close to the situation, suffered too much, remember too much and have to let down our natural defense mechanisms.  As you can see written so many times at this site, we are the first ones that have to change and that change is significant.  We can talk about radical acceptance all we want and that's what we must do, but it's so much easier said than done.

These tools are much easier to implement by someone who has some distance from the situation, like a therapist or perhaps family members not living under the same roof: People who have a built-in escape to create some healthy distance when needed.

It's hard to not take it personally because it's natural to take it personally.  We're asking ourselves to fight natural instincts.

[thereishope]

I had a related discussion with my MC (who is a CBT and diagnosed my BPDw) about what it takes to stay with someone with BPD.  How to not take things personally.  How to validate.  How to SET.  How to avoid JADE.  All the things discussed here.

His take was that it is INCREDIBLY DIFFICULT to do because we're too close to the situation, suffered too much, remember too much and have to let down our natural defense mechanisms.  As you can see written so many times at this site, we are the first ones that have to change and that change is significant.  We can talk about radical acceptance all we want and that's what we must do, but it's so much easier said than done.

These tools are much easier to implement by someone who has some distance from the situation, like a therapist or perhaps family members not living under the same roof: People who have a built-in escape to create some healthy distance when needed.

It's hard to not take it personally because it's natural to take it personally.  We're asking ourselves to fight natural instincts.

I'm feeling this right now... .bigtime... .Like my logic tells me I should leave... .but then uBPDh splits white and I see him "working on it", with my FOGGY interpretation... .Then I feel bad for making plans to leave... .and wonder if it's something wrong in me... .blah blah blah... .I just read the Radical Acceptance article a little earlier and have to agree that it sounds like excellent logic and very important to put into practice as a general healthy coping technique... .but how to do it here very much escapes me... . 

[pieceofme]

hopeful dad, that makes a lot of sense. what i've realized is that when i start to let things go or not take it personally, it's only because i'm so beaten down and emotionally exhausted that i don't have the strength to do anything but wait for the storm to pass.

I'm feeling this right now... .bigtime... .Like my logic tells me I should leave... .but then uBPDh splits white and I see him "working on it", with my FOGGY interpretation... .Then I feel bad for making plans to leave... .and wonder if it's something wrong in me... .

i have been experiencing the same. a few weeks ago, my ex split me white and i saw him working on himself, as well as on our relationship... .like you said, in my fog, i gave him a chance... .only to be split black again yesterday. strangely, i cannot identify the trigger that caused this. but once again, i am left spinning.

[thereishope]

hopeful dad, that makes a lot of sense. what i've realized is that when i start to let things go or not take it personally, it's only because i'm so beaten down and emotionally exhausted that i don't have the strength to do anything but wait for the storm to pass.

I'm feeling this right now... .bigtime... .Like my logic tells me I should leave... .but then uBPDh splits white and I see him "working on it", with my FOGGY interpretation... .Then I feel bad for making plans to leave... .and wonder if it's something wrong in me... .

i have been experiencing the same. a few weeks ago, my ex split me white and i saw him working on himself, as well as on our relationship... .like you said, in my fog, i gave him a chance... .only to be split black again yesterday. strangely, i cannot identify the trigger that caused this. but once again, i am left spinning.

I'm sorry.    I understand.  I'm spinning too... .even more and more as it cycles over and over... .How do the black times disappear so quickly... .but do they really?  Somehow the destruction of the black times still exists down deep inside... .Yet I "forget" and trust the white times more than the black... .I guess it is good that I have so much love and hope and forgiveness to give (by God's grace), and in a situation that wasn't so destructive to my entire being, I guess it would be a good thing... .

[pieceofme]

I'm sorry.    I understand.  I'm spinning too... .even more and more as it cycles over and over... .How do the black times disappear so quickly... .but do they really?  Somehow the destruction of the black times still exists down deep inside... .Yet I "forget" and trust the white times more than the black... .I guess it is good that I have so much love and hope and forgiveness to give (by God's grace), and in a situation that wasn't so destructive to my entire being, I guess it would be a good thing... .

i've found that as our cycles continue, the speed with which they occur increases. in my case, the white times disappear so quickly, almost in the blink of an eye. as much as i try to forget, each cycle ends the same with me alone, confused, crying, wondering what i did this time. yet, i keep giving him chances. i have bled with love and forgiveness for him, but you're right - it is destructive to our being. at this point, i fear it's almost easier for me to just give up, stay and take it.

[thereishope]

I'm sorry.    I understand.  I'm spinning too... .even more and more as it cycles over and over... .How do the black times disappear so quickly... .but do they really?  Somehow the destruction of the black times still exists down deep inside... .Yet I "forget" and trust the white times more than the black... .I guess it is good that I have so much love and hope and forgiveness to give (by God's grace), and in a situation that wasn't so destructive to my entire being, I guess it would be a good thing... .

i've found that as our cycles continue, the speed with which they occur increases. in my case, the white times disappear so quickly, almost in the blink of an eye. as much as i try to forget, each cycle ends the same with me alone, confused, crying, wondering what i did this time. yet, i keep giving him chances. i have bled with love and forgiveness for him, but you're right - it is destructive to our being. at this point, i fear it's almost easier for me to just give up, stay and take it.

I've had the same exact feelings in me today... .Almost like I'm two different people (don't really believe it's an actual personality disorder I have , just trying to describe what it feels like... . ) One "me" is fighting for my life... .going to self-storage, getting some stuff out of here, looking for lodging and vehicle, for if/when I do feel it's time to go and not look back... .The other "me" wants to roll over and simply choose to "radically accept" the situation... .to die to any aspirations I might have of any independent thought or activity... .it would just simply be "easier", wouldn't it?  And I could still hug/love my uBPDh when he is splitting white... .maybe I could just learn to enjoy those times more and stop b(*^tching about the splitting black times so much? ... .Or is this actually what I have determined to do up to this point and I'm still dying inside?... .Oh life is fun isn't it.

[pieceofme]

if it's possible, i think i am doing both - fighting for my (independent) life, but also (and maybe this is just in my heart) trying to "radically accept" the situation and wait for this particular black episode to pass. i feel like i am dying inside on both paths.

it would just simply be "easier", wouldn't it?  And I could still hug/love my uBPDh when he is splitting white... .maybe I could just learn to enjoy those times more and stop b(*^tching about the splitting black times so much?

this will probably sound crazy, but i say a little prayer of thanks every time i hear from him or when we spend time together - i am appreciative of those times and i cherish every second, because i never know when it will be the last. when i am split black (like now), it is the closest thing i've known to grieving a death.

[thereishope]

if it's possible, i think i am doing both - fighting for my (independent) life, but also (and maybe this is just in my heart) trying to "radically accept" the situation and wait for this particular black episode to pass. i feel like i am dying inside on both paths.

it would just simply be "easier", wouldn't it?  And I could still hug/love my uBPDh when he is splitting white... .maybe I could just learn to enjoy those times more and stop b(*^tching about the splitting black times so much?

this will probably sound crazy, but i say a little prayer of thanks every time i hear from him or when we spend time together - i am appreciative of those times and i cherish every second, because i never know when it will be the last. when i am split black (like now), it is the closest thing i've known to grieving a death.

This makes complete sense to me... .and we grieve a "death" over and over and over and over and over again... .   Makes sense why we slowly die inside too... .