I cant do this, im losing it

[love7513]

I broke nc after one week and i am a mess from talking to her. not bc she is being mean but bc she is being nice. saying how she wanted to do all the things she promised, like be with me, but she cant. I cant stop crying... .im a mess. All i can think about is all the things she promised me and how they will never come to pass. She is being really nice. Apologizing, being kind. And I just feel such a sense of loss. Its like all the old wounds being ripped open again. Only worse, she does feel bad... .I can tell she does. Im questioning everything all over again. What could have been. Maybe we could have been happy and either way, its just this horrible deep sense of loss that I have not allowed myself to feel ever in all of this. Now its like someone opened the floodgates and I cant stop the crying and the hurt is just unbearable. It feels like the pain will never end. And all of this has made me so tired that I cant even see ever trying again. She promised me the one thing i have wanted my whole life but never ever had... .a real family. Now i have lost two families and it is just too much. I dont even know why i am writing this. She is the only one i can talk to bc i gave up everything for her. i still love her, despite it all, i still love her.

[Hopeless777]

I broke nc after one week and i am a mess from talking to her. not bc she is being mean but bc she is being nice. saying how she wanted to do all the things she promised, like be with me, but she cant. I cant stop crying... .im a mess. All i can think about is all the things she promised me and how they will never come to pass. She is being really nice. Apologizing, being kind. And I just feel such a sense of loss. Its like all the old wounds being ripped open again. Only worse, she does feel bad... .I can tell she does. Im questioning everything all over again. What could have been. Maybe we could have been happy and either way, its just this horrible deep sense of loss that I have not allowed myself to feel ever in all of this. Now its like someone opened the floodgates and I cant stop the crying and the hurt is just unbearable. It feels like the pain will never end. And all of this has made me so tired that I cant even see ever trying again. She promised me the one thing i have wanted my whole life but never ever had... .a real family. Now i have lost two families and it is just too much. I dont even know why i am writing this. She is the only one i can talk to bc i gave up everything for her. i still love her, despite it all, i still love her.

I hear you and understand. The sense of loss is overwhelming. I'm 27+ years married and exactly three months since I've last seen her. Tears me to pieces. I've had the family, but now lost a future because go this terrible mental disorder. Keep posting here. We all understand.

[love7513]

Thanks Hopeless, good to know i have some support at least.

[Englishman]

Stay strong my friend! Mine was 10 years and then while I was abroad on work she  ran off with a drug dealer that looks like Freddy Kruger and she looks just like Lucy Lie. They look like beauty and the beast... .and she says she loves him and is going to marry him? He's plastering her with coke... .and that's numbing her feelings which she likes. Not good. Stay strong my friend!

[love7513]

Thats terrible. I am so sorry to hear both of your experiences of loss, Hopeless and Englisman. It is so invalidating. Hard to seperate the disorder from your feelings and not make it personal. That is one of the worst parts, I think.

[love7513]

It feels like, giving her up was like giving up everything i had ever hoped and dreamed of. Even if it wasnt true, i couldnt see that... .I could only see it as giving up and having to suffer all that horrible grief all over again. Facing the loss. Its like I wanted to hold on to the fantasy with her, even if that was all it was, that we would be together and have the family. Maybe to me the pain of enduring her disorder was not as painful as facing the loss of my hopes and dreams. I know, it probably doesnt make any sense. I guess im just thinking out loud, processing. Because the pain of losing my family (the first one) was so great that i didnt want to accept another loss like that again.

[Hopeless777]

It feels like, giving her up was like giving up everything i had ever hoped and dreamed of. Even if it wasnt true, i couldnt see that... .I could only see it as giving up and having to suffer all that horrible grief all over again. Facing the loss. Its like I wanted to hold on to the fantasy with her, even if that was all it was, that we would be together and have the family. Maybe to me the pain of enduring her disorder was not as painful as facing the loss of my hopes and dreams. I know, it probably doesnt make any sense. I guess im just thinking out loud, processing. Because the pain of losing my family (the first one) was so great that i didnt want to accept another loss like that again.

Well you hit the nail on the head: better the pain in the relationship or the pain outside the relationship. I think we all intellectually know the answer; emotionally though? Outside of the relationship I now have some level of control of my day. Inside the relationship I could only react to the terror she inflicted. So even though I mourn the loss every second, to stay would have been emotional and probably physical death. Always a choice between bad and worse. No fun!

[Blimblam]

It feels like, giving her up was like giving up everything i had ever hoped and dreamed of. Even if it wasnt true, i couldnt see that... .I could only see it as giving up and having to suffer all that horrible grief all over again. Facing the loss. Its like I wanted to hold on to the fantasy with her, even if that was all it was, that we would be together and have the family. Maybe to me the pain of enduring her disorder was not as painful as facing the loss of my hopes and dreams. I know, it probably doesnt make any sense. I guess im just thinking out loud, processing. Because the pain of losing my family (the first one) was so great that i didnt want to accept another loss like that again.

Well you hit the nail on the head: better the pain in the relationship or the pain outside the relationship. I think we all intellectually know the answer; emotionally though? Outside of the relationship I now have some level of control of my day. Inside the relationship I could only react to the terror she inflicted. So even though I mourn the loss every second, to stay would have been emotional and probably physical death. Always a choice between bad and worse. No fun!

So true. Love I just want you to know you are not alone here and we have gone through similiar experiences ourselves.  The confusion and racing thoughts all the what ifs. It is torture.  Vent away this is a safe place and people here understand in a way not readily found elsewhere.

This may not make sense now and I am still struggling to fully accept this truth but.


it was nothing personal. 

I suggest you read all the articles. All the posts of member 2010. 

One if the most powerfull practices for me on my journey to recovery has been meditation.  I simply lay down and focus of the physical sensations in my chest and gut. I just lay their and feel it.  It is uncomfortable.  I often still struggle with it. The I surrender to the physical sensations and just feel them. Sometimes I will listen to radiohead or a perfect circle to get in the mood.  Just feel the feelings. Feel the somatic expression of them that broken heart and stomache full of knots. Just feel them and they will be processed.

[Mutt]

She is being really nice. Apologizing, being kind. And I just feel such a sense of loss. Its like all the old wounds being ripped open again. Only worse, she does feel bad... .I can tell she does. Im questioning everything all over again.

I read your intro post love7513. You bent over backwards for your girlfriend. There are narcissistic traits. She's being kind for a need for her.

Near homelessness, missed work, lost a job, alone all of the major holidays, in the hospital and no visit, kept retracting divorce procedures, started another r/s with another woman. That's tough .

Take away her kind words and look at the paragraph above. Look at her actions, the truth lies there.

Don't beat yourself up over breaking no contact. Fall down 7 times get up 8. Be kind and take care of yourself. You deserve it. I'm happy you found these boards.

Hang in there  


- Mutt

[huhhuh]

Remember not to listen to their words but to their actions.

Mine could be the sweetest and nicest person in the world. Telling me all the things I wanted to her.  Only to do the complete opposite behind my back.

Just remember the Jekyll and Hyde personality. You can't seperate them. You got both no matter how hard you want only to have the nice personality and it hurts so bad everytime their evil personality shows.

[PaintedBlack28]

I cant stop crying... .im a mess. All i can think about is all the things she promised me and how they will never come to pass. ... .She promised me the one thing i have wanted my whole life but never ever had... .a real family. Now i have lost two families and it is just too much. ... .bc i gave up everything for her. i still love her, despite it all, i still love her.

Feel you man... been there done that. But it is OK to write and tell everyone how we feel We are human beings after all. I hate BPD so much. I long for my girl, I miss her every nano-second, there is just no consolation, only the harsh reality.

It's gonna be a very, very lonely Christmas... .and a Happy New Year?

[evilpepsi]

I cant stop crying... .im a mess. All i can think about is all the things she promised me and how they will never come to pass. ... .She promised me the one thing i have wanted my whole life but never ever had... .a real family. Now i have lost two families and it is just too much. ... .bc i gave up everything for her. i still love her, despite it all, i still love her.

Feel you man... been there done that. But it is OK to write and tell everyone how we feel We are human beings after all. I hate BPD so much. I long for my girl, I miss her every nano-second, there is just no consolation, only the harsh reality.

It's gonna be a very, very lonely Christmas... .and a Happy New Year?

I was actually skeptical about coming here but it helps BIG TIME. 

[Mutt]

BPD is very hard on families. Black and white thinking is destructive. Not many understand the battles we face.

This is a place to express how we feel without invalidation. A place to vent and let go of the emotional baggage. A place to help each other.

I don't anyone in real life that carries the moniker "non-disordered ex-partner" and understands. Here members understand.

[parisian]

love, some great advice on here, especially:

Remember not to listen to their words but to their actions.

When I first broke up with mine, she said and wrote the most wonderful things to me - things she had never said whilst we were in the relationship. She apologised, she was so kind. It was absolute murder and hell. It split my heart in two. I was like you - a complete wreck.

When we got back together after that, just a week later, she screamed (raged) at me in a restaurant on valentine's day, that was after making me wait by myself for half an hour at the restaurant because she was off having beer with her friends. Her words meant nothing. They were just empty words.

Do whatever you can to look after you xx

[Splitblack4good]

Stay strong my friend! Mine was 10 years and then while I was abroad on work she  ran off with a drug dealer that looks like Freddy Kruger and she looks just like Lucy Lie. They look like beauty and the beast... .and she says she loves him and is going to marry him? He's plastering her with coke... .and that's numbing her feelings which she likes. Not good. Stay strong my friend!

This sounds all to familiar with my ex right now.

[Splitblack4good]

BPD is very hard on families. Black and white thinking is destructive. Not many understand the battles we face.

This is a place to express how we feel without invalidation. A place to vent and let go of the emotional baggage. A place to help each other.

I don't anyone in real life that carries the moniker "non-disordered ex-partner" and understands. Here members understand.

I'm so glad I found this site also . If I hadnt I don't think I'd be this far ahead with healing I am almost my self again I'm laughing at funny things again I'm talking to my mates about all things we used to talk about instead of talking about her and her new bf I'm getting excited about doing my hobbies again massive thanks people!

[going places]

She is being really nice. Apologizing, being kind. And I just feel such a sense of loss. Its like all the old wounds being ripped open again. Only worse, she does feel bad... .I can tell she does. Im questioning everything all over again.

I read your intro post love7513. You bent over backwards for your girlfriend. There are narcissistic traits. She's being kind for a need for her.

Near homelessness, missed work, lost a job, alone all of the major holidays, in the hospital and no visit, kept retracting divorce procedures, started another r/s with another woman. That's tough .

Take away her kind words and look at the paragraph above. Look at her actions, the truth lies there.

Don't beat yourself up over breaking no contact. Fall down 7 times get up 8. Be kind and take care of yourself. You deserve it. I'm happy you found these boards.

Hang in there  


- Mutt

Truer words cannot be spoken.

[Infared]

Remember not to listen to their words but to their actions.

Mine could be the sweetest and nicest person in the world. Telling me all the things I wanted to her.  Only to do the complete opposite behind my back.

Just remember the Jekyll and Hyde personality. You can't seperate them. You got both no matter how hard you want only to have the nice personality and it hurts so bad everytime their evil personality shows.

Love 7513... .

My experience says that you need to own what huhhuh says here.  Your head (rational mind) knows it... .and right now your heart is so so far away from seeing the truth. I feel your pain. It's overwhelming... .But going to her will just make it worse. She is running her game. Nothing more. PwBPD are not capable of investing deeply in a relationship like we do. They appear to but they just aren't capable.

Surround yourself with support and just keep putting one foot in front of the other and take all that energy and love YOU with it. Grieve the loss and feel your feelings... .at least you know that you were there 100%! That shows who you are. Value that and walk away with it. It's not easy, but you can get through. You know the truth.

[Ayreana]

My bf just broke off our relationship last tuesday, for the third time. I am totally broken. So I looked on the internet, and found this site. I am really glad for this site, because most people don 't onderstand. Everyday is a struggle now, I don 't even function properly.And My bf is doing God nows what right now. I am So scared, at the moment because i feel stuck. One part (at this time) wants him back So bad. And the other part doesn't. My whole future is gone, and I feel left alone.

It is good to read that I am not alone with these issues.

[Sandman1881]

It feels like, giving her up was like giving up everything i had ever hoped and dreamed of. Even if it wasnt true, i couldnt see that... .I could only see it as giving up and having to suffer all that horrible grief all over again. Facing the loss. Its like I wanted to hold on to the fantasy with her, even if that was all it was, that we would be together and have the family. Maybe to me the pain of enduring her disorder was not as painful as facing the loss of my hopes and dreams. I know, it probably doesnt make any sense. I guess im just thinking out loud, processing. Because the pain of losing my family (the first one) was so great that i didnt want to accept another loss like that again.

Well you hit the nail on the head: better the pain in the relationship or the pain outside the relationship. I think we all intellectually know the answer; emotionally though? Outside of the relationship I now have some level of control of my day. Inside the relationship I could only react to the terror she inflicted. So even though I mourn the loss every second, to stay would have been emotional and probably physical death. Always a choice between bad and worse. No fun!

Hopeless777:

This is so true and just what I needed to hear. Either way there was pain. I'm pushing myself to make logic where there was none. Being on my own again has given me back the power to make choices for myself. I see that especially in the little things like what sugar I like. My life was being controlled, I was being manipulated and used and was nearly incapable of getting out. The decision to leave is so difficult because it's making a choice between what feels like the lesser of two evils. On one hand you can stay and endure the agony of constant abuse with a side of love crumbs, and on the other you face yourself and open your eyes to the reality of the situation. Either way it's gut-wrenching and excruciating. I decided to leave and get myself to a safe place where I can work out what when wrong with me and why I believed I needed a woman that didn't need me.

I know I'll never know what I'll never know and I have to learn to be okay with that... .

love7513:

My heart goes out to you. I'm still struggling with accepting this as a disorder, or just plain nonsense. Disorder or not, I am the only one that that can be good to me now. I can only be hurt if I allow it to happen. 2 full months out and I still cry every day. I still question God and as why. If I can remember just one thing that has always helped be look past heartache... .the sun still shines behind even the darkest of clouds. It's so hard to see through the fog to remember the truth.

I'm with you. We are all here with you. We are human and we make mistakes. We bottle up our emotions because that's what we are expected to do because our SO can't deal with their own. Then in the end, the dam begins to break and the floodgates open and in time we start to return to normal. Do what is best for you. Keep the focus on yourself without feeling guilty. I'll never understand why we have such strong conviction to give our everything to someone we profess love for, but struggle so much to care for ourselves. I'm learning, sometimes one second at a time, to give myself all that I've given to others that ultimately did not deserve it. I'll do my business and let the Universe take care of herself. 

[Infared]

Sandman:  "he focus on yourself without feeling guilty. I'll never understand why we have such strong conviction to give our everything to someone we profess love for, but struggle so much to care for ourselves. I'm learning, sometimes one second at a time, to give myself all that I've given to others that ultimately did not deserve it. I'll do my business and let the Universe take care of herself. "

Yeah... .you nailed it. That is our part of the mess.  That person is sick, but so are we or we would not have been there for so long. We can learn to get better, though.

[Caredverymuch]

I broke nc after one week and i am a mess from talking to her. not bc she is being mean but bc she is being nice. saying how she wanted to do all the things she promised, like be with me, but she cant. I cant stop crying... .im a mess. All i can think about is all the things she promised me and how they will never come to pass. She is being really nice. Apologizing, being kind. And I just feel such a sense of loss. Its like all the old wounds being ripped open again. Only worse, she does feel bad... .I can tell she does. Im questioning everything all over again. What could have been. Maybe we could have been happy and either way, its just this horrible deep sense of loss that I have not allowed myself to feel ever in all of this. Now its like someone opened the floodgates and I cant stop the crying and the hurt is just unbearable. It feels like the pain will never end. And all of this has made me so tired that I cant even see ever trying again. She promised me the one thing i have wanted my whole life but never ever had... .a real family. Now i have lost two families and it is just too much. I dont even know why i am writing this. She is the only one i can talk to bc i gave up everything for her. i still love her, despite it all, i still love her.

Love75 , I am sorry for your pain and for all which you have endured in the name of love.  I often say how difficult it is to rationalize the hurt when love was our only crime.  I endured quite similar a my expBPD.  I was kept on the hook of his " unhappy" r/s he was " trying to leave" and I believed it all. I got very lost in the feelings and it seemed the ante was continually upped until I had essentially lost myself entirely to what bcame a very one sided r/s.  The feelings were so very deep by then and it was nearly impossible for me to see all I had given of myself while really just being left on the hook.  Triangulation.  Everything bcame about soothing him and his " unhappy" situation he was trying desperately to figure out.  When in reality he was doing nothing near that.  He was having the best of both worlds if you will while lying to all involved.  Convincingly.  Laced w tears and endearments and promises of all he was going to do for me, for us, that never came.

My t said I should have put my boundary up the minute he began the triangulation.  I thought my love was the love he never had and sought his entire life. I thought my empathy and understanding was valued. I should have told him to figure his r/s out or dont. And put up a non wavering boundary.  I just believed all the words. They were so real.

I also felt deep endless  love. We had wonderful times together and still I wish for that with only him.  But, after 17 push pulls/ recycles where by I heard very much the same words you are hearing, nothing changed. There was simply no amount of love and caring I could give that would make my ex commit the same in return. 

I want to echo Mutts advice.  Please look at all you have given of yourself and match the words of your ex to her actions. 

I have been right where you are.  Emotionally tortured, kept in false belief, and receiving so little in return.  And we both were calling that love. 

You may feel you have lost much but not the wonderful caring person that you are. That cannot be taken from any of us. 

Skip has said here on this site, if we reengage something has to be different.  I'm not quite sure where I could have stopped the cycle in my former r/s bc it bcame so constant it bcame the norm.  I love you, dont leave me. Push. Devaluation.  Prove your love to me.  Pull. Cling. Manipulate w words. Wash rinse repeat. I didnt know about BPD then. And i was so deep in the fog. Calling it love. Not understanding any of this.

I hope you are feeling better today.  Keep posting and moving forward knowing you gave everything you could.  Now take care of you.