How did they provoke you to act out?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Crazy has a way of bringing you to their level. I was provoked to act out in ways I never thought I would. Yelling, walking out, cold treatment, slamming doors, things that were never in my nature until I was taken over the edge by her. She would say “you’re abusive!” when I acted out in anger. But she was the one who would amp it up to that level with her abusive treatment. I would only act out in anger to protect and defend myself. She would corner me, force me to talk about a charged subject that we’d argued and wrestled with a 100 times before. She would expect me to stay calm and hear her spout off about some outlandish accusations that rarely made any sense. She blamed me for being triggered by her actions when she would push my buttons until I’d lose it.

Walking away was never an option. If I walked away I would have something thrown at me or worse, she would yell verbal insults that cut to the bone and then she would run off and cry. When I would later try to address what happen and how unproductive her approach was she would say that if she didn’t rage at me I wouldn’t change and give her what she wanted/needed. Even if I told her how she could better go about getting what she wanted from me, she would brush it off and come up with some lame excuse as to why she needed to treat me so harshly.

There were many times I would tell her how her rage and abuse effected me. Did she care? Not one tinny weeny bit. I would tell her all I wanted was 6 months of peace so I could get my head on straight and maybe then I could give her what she wanted. Her response, “just get over it”. She cared nothing for the damage she was causing me. She would lament about how miserable she was with the way I communicated. She would threaten divorce if it didn’t get better. I felt I was in a no win situation because I knew it wasn’t me who couldn’t communicate affectively. I never had this issue in past relationships. It was so clear that it was her issues she was upset about but choose to project them onto me. All you’d have to do is look at her tyrant of a father to figure that one out.

There was no way I could just sit back and allow her to go on a tirade about how she thought I felt and the reasons I did/didn’t do such and such, without a response in my defense. There were times I did try the submissive approach. But she still got angry and raged. Her delusional perspective was so off base from how I truly felt. If I didn’t defend myself she would run wild with her accusations. This would send her into meltdown. And if I did try and defend and stand up for myself she would still rage. Damn if you do, damn if you don’t. I couldn’t win, ever. If she wanted to rage, she was going to rage. I never could figure out how to put on the breaks. When I saw her moving close to the edge, I would say to myself “here we go again”.

One time, in the middle of an argument, she picked up the “Non Violent Communication” book and literally threw it at me and demanded I read it. This put things in perspective. She was in no way going to be held accountable for her actions. I was the one that was dysfunctional in the relationship because I couldn't deal effectively with her abuse.

I actually believed her for awhile. My eyes are now open to the truth. Thanks to this forum and all of you wonderful souls 

[RisingSun]

Crazy has a way of bringing you to their level. I was provoked to act out in ways I never thought I would. Yelling, walking out, cold treatment, slamming doors, things that were never in my nature until I was taken over the edge by her. She would say “you’re abusive!” when I acted out in anger. But she was the one who would amp it up to that level with her abusive treatment. I would only act out in anger to protect and defend myself. She would corner me, force me to talk about a charged subject that we’d argued and wrestled with a 100 times before. She would expect me to stay calm and hear her spout off about some outlandish accusations that rarely made any sense. She blamed me for being triggered by her actions when she would push my buttons until I’d lose it.

Walking away was never an option. If I walked away I would have something thrown at me or worse, she would yell verbal insults that cut to the bone and then she would run off and cry. When I would later try to address what happen and how unproductive her approach was she would say that if she didn’t rage at me I wouldn’t change and give her what she wanted/needed. Even if I told her how she could better go about getting what she wanted from me, she would brush it off and come up with some lame excuse as to why she needed to treat me so harshly.

There were many times I would tell her how her rage and abuse effected me. Did she care? Not one tinny weeny bit. I would tell her all I wanted was 6 months of peace so I could get my head on straight and maybe then I could give her what she wanted. Her response, “just get over it”. She cared nothing for the damage she was causing me. She would lament about how miserable she was with the way I communicated. She would threaten divorce if it didn’t get better. I felt I was in a no win situation because I knew it wasn’t me who couldn’t communicate affectively. I never had this issue in past relationships. It was so clear that it was her issues she was upset about but choose to project them onto me. All you’d have to do is look at her tyrant of a father to figure that one out.

There was no way I could just sit back and allow her to go on a tirade about how she thought I felt and the reasons I did/didn’t do such and such, without a response in my defense. There were times I did try the submissive approach. But she still got angry and raged. Her delusional perspective was so off base from how I truly felt. If I didn’t defend myself she would run wild with her accusations. This would send her into meltdown. And if I did try and defend and stand up for myself she would still rage. Damn if you do, damn if you don’t. I couldn’t win, ever. If she wanted to rage, she was going to rage. I never could figure out how to put on the breaks. When I saw her moving close to the edge, I would say to myself “here we go again”.

One time, in the middle of an argument, she picked up the “Non Violent Communication” book and literally threw it at me and demanded I read it. This put things in perspective. She was in no way going to be held accountable for her actions. I was the one that was dysfunctional in the relationship because I couldn't deal effectively with her abuse.

I actually believed her for awhile. My eyes are now open to the truth. Thanks to this forum and all of you wonderful souls 

[LettingGo14]

My eyes are now open to the truth.

This is what matters.  You are out of the drama.   You are awake and detaching.

[Lucky Jim]

Part of the BPD dynamic, in my view, is that a pwBPD, the victimizer, will provoke and goad you until you act out in anger, then he/she can reverse roles and claim to be the victim.  It's a cycle for the pwBPD: victimizer/victim/victimizer/victim.  The loop just keeps repeating.  You get it.  Lucky Jim

[Tolou]

rising son. throwing the non violence communications book, I don't think people can make this stuff up Smh hold your up man

[Mutt]

One time, in the middle of an argument, she picked up the “Non Violent Communication” book and literally threw it at me and demanded I read it. This put things in perspective.

Your post really struck a cord. It was like I was reading my story. Thanks for sharing and for joining us  

I'm sorry she threw the book. She is projecting. She should have read the book. You can't change someone else. You can only change you.

Detach, let go. Be free.

[myself]

Part of the BPD dynamic, in my view, is that a pwBPD, the victimizer, will provoke and goad you until you act out in anger, then he/she can reverse roles and claim to be the victim.  It's a cycle for the pwBPD: victimizer/victim/victimizer/victim.  The loop just keeps repeating.  You get it.  Lucky Jim

Yes. This is definitely one of the more distinct patterns here. I also saw that if I didn't respond, or withdrew from her abuse, she accused me of not caring, being cold, and hurting her that way. Sometimes she just made stuff up, holding me accountable for things I never did. A no-win situation in an alternate reality. Many of us are left more damaged from the r/s than the pwBPD. Which says a lot about the truth of the situation. But good for us to have been provoked to make some serious long-lasting changes for the better.

[RisingSun]

She is projecting. She should have read the book. You can't change someone else. You can only change you.

Yes, I know, she should've read the book. She'd been bugging me for months to read it. She would bring it up constantly, usually when we had an argument.

There was a lot of resentment on my side to even pick it up. She had, from the very beginning, been pushy about it. She used the book as an attack on my character.

The way she saw it, since I hadn't bothered to read it, I didn't care about communicating with her peacefully. Therefore I didn't care about her. You know how it goes.

They just let their feelings follow the path of least resistance. Which is straight into a black hole. 

Well, after fighting through my resentment, I finally broke down and read it. I got a lot out of it actually. While reading it I started asking her questions about what she thought of one point or another and would get little response. I then realized she never read the book herself. She confirmed this later. I assumed she had by the way she went on and on about me reading it. Her accuse for not reading it, you guessed it, I needed it more than her.

[mstnghu]

This sounds like my life. In fact I just posted a thread this morning about my wife having suicidal tendencies last night after I completely blew up at her and said some not so nice things. The fact is she is the one who pushes me to my breaking point until I just can't take it anymore. There is nobody else who enrages me the way my wife does.

I can completely relate to the struggle you've gone through.

[ColdEthyl]

The rewriting of history really gets annoying, as does the provocation techniques they try to do. It's downright funny the things he says sometimes to get a reaction out of me. I'm learning to separate that behavior from his feelings, and figuring out what the root cause of the feeling is. Once we figure THAT out, and I get him to talk, he's a lot better.

Part of the BPD dynamic, in my view, is that a pwBPD, the victimizer, will provoke and goad you until you act out in anger, then he/she can reverse roles and claim to be the victim.  It's a cycle for the pwBPD: victimizer/victim/victimizer/victim.  The loop just keeps repeating.  You get it.  Lucky Jim

Yes. This is definitely one of the more distinct patterns here. I also saw that if I didn't respond, or withdrew from her abuse, she accused me of not caring, being cold, and hurting her that way. Sometimes she just made stuff up, holding me accountable for things I never did. A no-win situation in an alternate reality. Many of us are left more damaged from the r/s than the pwBPD. Which says a lot about the truth of the situation. But good for us to have been provoked to make some serious long-lasting changes for the better.

[Mutt]

Well, after fighting through my resentment, I finally broke down and read it. I got a lot out of it actually. While reading it I started asking her questions about what she thought of one point or another and would get little response. I then realized she never read the book herself. She confirmed this later. I assumed she had by the way she went on and on about me reading it. Her accuse for not reading it, you guessed it, I needed it more than her.

I understand a lose-lose scenario is so frustrating. Damned if you do. Damned if you don't.

What helped me is I radically accepted the lose-lose situations and became indifferent to this type of behavior. It is how my ex copes.

That's a goal that you can set for yourself. I hope that helps.

[adventurer]

I was provoked to act out in ways I never thought I would. Yelling, walking out, cold treatment, slamming doors, things that were never in my nature until I was taken over the edge by her. She would say “you’re abusive!” when I acted out in anger.

This really hits home with me.  My wife is a master at this and after awhile I had convinced myself that I was an emotional abuser.  I started going to therapy and I don't know when it happened, but something in me 'clicked' recently and allowed me to truly remain dispassionate in the face of her manipulations.  I literally saw my wife cycle through every tactic, accusation, insult and behavior in her repertoire trying to get a rise out of me.  When it failed, she stormed off, gave me the silent treatment at home, removed our status as married on facebook and turned all of our portraits of us together towards the wall.  And then 2 days later she tried to have the same argument all over again until I cracked.

I love her so much and I just don't know what to do.  I'm so saddened to see how easily I was manipulated and my co-dependency problems that led to this.  She's a good person in a lot of ways but I really need to leave for my own sake and betterment of my life, but I just am terrified.

[adventurer]

Just wanted to add, one book that really helped me is 'When I Say No, I Feel Guilty'

It presents a lot of conversational tactics and examples to allow you to have a discussion without getting into a defensive tit-for-tat or sidetracked away from the points you are trying to make.  Very good for setting boundaries.  But be careful, if you haven't successfully set boundaries much before, it can be like stirring up a wild animal.

[rg1976]

The only way to have a relationship with a BPD is to be indifferent and not have a relationship with them?   So sad... .

[Lucky Jim]

Agree, rg1976.  After practicing indifference and detachment, I was no longer emotionally invested in our marriage.  What kind of a marriage is that?  A broken one.  Divorce ensued.  LJ

[Skip]

Crazy has a way of bringing you to their level. I was provoked to act out in ways I never thought I would. Yelling, walking out, cold treatment, slamming doors, things that were never in my nature until I was taken over the edge by her. She would say “you’re abusive!” when I acted out in anger. But she was the one... .

Can we really put this anyone but ourself. I know the feeling of being provoked, too.

Remember, every guy being put in the back of a patrol car says this as they are closing the door.  "I was provoked".

If the person provoking you had 20 lbs of muscle on you, you would have chilled. We can chill.

Agree, rg1976.  After practicing indifference and detachment, I was no longer emotionally invested in our marriage.  What kind of a marriage is that?  A broken one.  :)ivorce ensued.  LJ

There is certainly truth to this.

It presents a lot of conversational tactics and examples to allow you to have a discussion without getting into a defensive tit-for-tat or sidetracked away from the points you are trying to make.  Very good for setting boundaries.  But be careful, if you haven't successfully set boundaries much before, it can be like stirring up a wild animal.

Can you share one or two?

Your point is a good one.  It's easy to get caught in the tit-for-tat and that rarely ends well.

[RisingSun]

Crazy has a way of bringing you to their level. I was provoked to act out in ways I never thought I would. Yelling, walking out, cold treatment, slamming doors, things that were never in my nature until I was taken over the edge by her. She would say “you’re abusive!” when I acted out in anger. But she was the one... .

Can we really put this anyone but ourself. I know the feeling of being provoked, too.

Remember, every guy being put in the back of a patrol car says this as they are closing the door.  "I was provoked".

If the person provoking you had 20 lbs of muscle on you, you would have chilled. We can chill.

There is truth to this when taken out of context. But when you're invested in a marriage you are also invested in your partner understanding you, respecting your views, boundaries and opinions. People can be unduly prodded, provoked and gaslighted into acting out of character. Yes, we have a choice to take the higher ground but when abuse continues over long periods of time and we're invested in the relationship (not willing to just walk away) then the lines get blurred. I know I had a choice. I also know it's up to me to act with integrity. Although, given the complex situation that an abusive relationship becomes, we can as nons find ourselves unconsciously catching fleas.

I could not walk away from an argument with her. This always made the situation worse. I was forced to stand my ground. Everyone has their limit. My limit got tested often and this took me over the edge eventually.

Speaking of hypothetical scenarios, if someone walked up to you in the street, cornered you, gave you no option to escape, and started shoving you around, what would be your response?

I wouldn't say that every guy put in the back of a police car was guilty. Sometimes they were provoked.

[Skip]

A cycle of conflict looks like this... .

I know you felt triggered. I get that.  

Did it go anything like this?

She says you're abusive.  You say its her fault (deny your accountability)

You say she's abusive.  She says you're at fault (denies her accountability)

How do you feel about this?

When she slams a door, it is abusive.  When you slam a door, is less, more, or just as abusive?

[RisingSun]

A cycle of conflict looks like this... .

I know you felt triggered. I get that.  

Did it go anything like this?

She says you're abusive.  You say its her fault (deny your accountability)

You say she's abusive.  She says you're at fault (denies her accountability)

How do you feel about this?

When she slams a door, it is abusive.  When you slam a door, is less, more, or just as abusive?

Yes, very similar to the situation I found myself in. I see where you're coming from. I do hold myself accountable for my actions. I do see that my actions can be interpreted as abusive. But what sets my actions apart from hers is that she doesn't need to be provoked to act out in an abusive manner. She naturally goes there on her own. It's in her nature to abuse. Because of this I would find myself dragged into her level of acting out.

Just like the bully on the play ground doesn't have to be provoked, because a bully tends toward bullying. Now for the victim of bullying to stand up for themselves they may have to resort to aggressive action which runs contrary to there natural inclinations. Does this leave the victim of bullying an abuser if they stand up for themselves?

I'm not trying to mince words with you to make myself unaccountable. I'm trying to understand, at what point do we cross over to the side of being the abuser? And when we do cross over, are we then truly at their level or are we in a mode of self defense / standing up for ourselves. 

[Mutt]

But what sets my actions apart from hers is that she doesn't need to be provoked to act out in an abusive manner.

You make a very good point. Something entirely different is being played out in her mind, her trauma - the core wound of abandonment. A perceived slight and it triggers her fear of abandonment. When I fought back I was triggered her and making things worse. That's my two cents.

[thereishope]

Part of the BPD dynamic, in my view, is that a pwBPD, the victimizer, will provoke and goad you until you act out in anger, then he/she can reverse roles and claim to be the victim.  It's a cycle for the pwBPD: victimizer/victim/victimizer/victim.  The loop just keeps repeating.  You get it.  Lucky Jim

My uBPDh's habit has been to provoke me with a crazy accusation, etc... .and then immediately when I have tried to address it, he says, "I don't want to talk about it!" 

[Hopeless777]

But what sets my actions apart from hers is that she doesn't need to be provoked to act out in an abusive manner.

You make a very good point. Something entirely different is being played out in her mind, her trauma - the core wound of abandonment. A perceived slight and it triggers her fear of abandonment. When I fought back I was triggered her and making things worse. That's my two cents.

Mine would walk down to my home office and say "I just have one question." It would typically be something like " why are you cheating on me?" Or some such nonsense since I haven't touched another woman in 28 years. The second I'd defend myself, she'd ratchet it up with all sorts of past delusions. Then I'd defend myself and she'd go on and on. Then I'd say that this is the point in time where out T says to take a time out. She wouldn't stop. I'd leave the room. She'd follow me sometimes getting in my face. I'd either lock myself in another room or leave the house. This went on nearly every other day for six months. Did I say things I later regretted? Sure. Did I apologize? Yes. Did she? No way. In the end she piled my clothes up and demanded I serve her "with divorce papers." After about 20 of these incidents over a year, I finally left. I know I did the right hing but I'm so sad.

[adventurer]

A cycle of conflict looks like this... .

I know you felt triggered. I get that.  

Did it go anything like this?

She says you're abusive.  You say its her fault (deny your accountability)

You say she's abusive.  She says you're at fault (denies her accountability)

How do you feel about this?

When she slams a door, it is abusive.  When you slam a door, is less, more, or just as abusive?

In my case, this began to lead to my revelation, getting help for my own abusive behaviors.  I think anyone screaming and slamming doors is bad.  But the more I was able to control my own bad behavior, the more I was able to calmly see how she tries to desperately to cause it.  The better I get at self-control, the worse she acts out.

[maric]

I heard that I needed to be abusive so she could get sexually attracted to me... .how sick does this sound?

[Mutt]

Did I say things I later regretted? Sure. Did I apologize? Yes. Did she? No way. In the end she piled my clothes up and demanded I serve her "with divorce papers." After about 20 of these incidents over a year, I finally left. I know I did the right hing but I'm so sad.

No doubt it hurts. It takes time. My ex tries to argue in emails and she's doesn't apologize. I'm indifferent. I respond to what needs responding to the kids. I understand why she won't apologize.


If this had happened when we were together it would have escalated. Not something that I'm proud of. I would feel anxiety, stress and just awful. I don't have that "walking on eggshells feeling" I feel peace. I feel like I took control back of the things I can control, myself.

[Loveofhislife]

Lose-lose goes against everything I ever was taught and everything I have tried to live by.  Even in my professional life, I talk about finding a win-win in everything.  I can be a little Pollyanna like, so it was utterly confounding to meet a self saboteur, control freak who wanted everything to be win-lose.  And guess who always was expected to take the fall and lose?  In his mind, he "won" if he could get me upset.  I believe he literally delighted in upsetting me.  He often said, "I LOVE HOW REACTIVE YOU ARE."  A sure-fire-win for him would be his deflecting from his own bad behavior by pressing the play button on what a cheater I was.  No matter how many times I said I had been 100% faithful to him (which I was), then he would start in on how I had cheated in my past (which I didn't, but he knew I had been accused by my ex-husband).  He knew how very much that chapter of my life had hurt me--it was one of the first conversations I had with exbfBPD on our first date.  More than a year later, he just keeps rewinding that tape and pressing play on those false and hurtful accusations:  guaranteed to "provoke me to act out."

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Hopeless777, I could have written your post, except in my case she broke down the door after I locked it.  Add about 10 - 15 suicide threats and you get the picture.

I'm with you, Mutt.  Now divorced, I don't worry about a nuclear explosion when I return home at night.  I enjoy boring and peaceful and don't miss all the drama.  Like you, I reclaimed my life.

We have kids, so I'm LC, but refuse to engage in arguments, or listen to her litany of complaints about me.  Hey, we're divorced, so I don't need to hear her lectures any longer.

Lucky Jim

[Lolastheme]

this is all so relieving for me.

My whole relationship (2 yrs) was a cycle of sabotage, by him. But always my fault. I will concede sometimes it was, I have Bipolar and on occasion would act up; when hypo manic, which exacerbated his insecurities, despite my constant reassurance that flirting in the pub was just that. But I must take the blame there. But I had never met a man who took such offense to other men paying me attention. Ever. I stopped going out, I stopped joking with girlfriends in our group over good looking rugby players and such like. Simple, normal stuff.

His rages were frightening. Smashing things, texting incessantly, chasing me across fields, turning up at all hours of the day and night to continue the conversation.

When we finally broke up in July, I couldn't trust him with my feelings because in a previous break-up he told me he slept with another woman, and turned off his phone that night. But swore when we got back together he hadn't really, just wanted to hurt me. But I don't really know if that was true.

But until this week, we were still breaking up. I didn't want it at first and texted him to get back together, but he said although I was the one, I hurt him so much he couldn't. Eventually I got ill, but he wouldn't stop texting insults by now. My  parents told him to stop all contact because I was ill, self harming etc. They did say if he didn't then they would consider an injunction. He went round their house, my friends houses. 3 weeks later he contacted me again. It was nice to hear him being nice, and for us to cut the animosity. But then he started up again about how the breakdown was my fault and how much I hurt him, how he was now really ill. So we stopped again, I tried to be nice, I still really loved him. So no contact again for another week. Then he went snooping on FB and found that I was friends with a man who had chatted me up; who he believed was trying to split us up, who was walking all over him - he had tried to get this man sacked by ringing our boss and saying he was taking advantage of a woman with a mental health illness? Then during his rage of texts he told me he was seeing someone else! Why did I need to know this? 7 weeks into a break-up. I didn't need to know this. Then he even rang me to talk about how he had just expected sex but had got himself into a situation because she was having a really bad time. This really punched me in the stomach. I ended up sending a really nasty email about how wrong that was. I wouldn't never have done such a thing. I just felt pushed into a corner I never wanted to be in. I apologised by email the following day, said that was it. But he replied! Told me to move on and think of this 'guy'. I was incensed by this, so I replied stupidly that I was focussing on myself. Then he sent more bile about me being a bad mother, manipulative b___, and that he would contact the police; he doesn't love me, doesn't want me. 10 days ago I was 'the one'.

I am so confused, I don't know what to believe. But I do know that he eroded the relationship systematically, monthly almost. I do not think there is ever a way to decode these relationships, and trying to is a waste of time. It has been the most passionate, most destructive and most painful relationships I have ever had. He as made me feel like a lose nasty canon. I have never been like this before. I am ashamed.

[mstnghu]

It's somewhat refreshing in a weird way to read all of these stories that are so similar to my own.

I've told close friends/family members that my relationship with my wife is like a hurricane... .it's intense and crazy and overblown and then all of a sudden there's a deceptive "calm" when the eye passes through. I get a false sense of security in our relationship and then all of as sudden I'm hit again.

[Loveofhislife]

Lolastheme and hu--glad you are here. You will continue to read many similar patterns in these posts. My exbfBPD provoked so he felt he could CONTROL me--and getting a reaction from me made him feel powerful indeed. The best thing we can do is learn to control and take care of ourselves.

[Loveofhislife]

I am reposting here--I was writing the response about our acting out in a different post, "There are vastly different opinions on this board about the role of choice for pwBPD. I know for certain that my exbfBPD had the power to choose. It may have been hard for him, and when he was dysregulating, his choices were at an all time anti social level. We too have choices--how we react to them and how we control ourselves is our responsibility. I have written before that I have worked professionally with the most severely mentally ill (many with co occurring pd's and substance issues)--but these people CHOSE treatment. It is difficult and painful for pwBPD, but their projecting their misery and pain onto us, instead of seeking positive change for themselves and their loved ones, is a choice NOT TO CHANGE! Unfortunately, many pwBPD find their entrenched patterns and coping mechanisms more desirable and choose never to change. It is incredibly sad, yes; but we only are responsible for our choices and our actions--I am making a choice to change decades of entrenched codependency, and that too is painful. I am having to face that a beloved parent abused me. My other parent allowed it. I have never truly faced the pain and anger of my abusive childhood--UNTIL NOW. I experienced pain, anger, and tales of abuse through my exbfBPD. I believe he was my proxy for pain; now I must deal with it myself. My choice. But it is a blessing amidst so much regret."