Was Your BPD Embarrassingly "Strange"?

[Penumbra66]

While I dated my ex uBPD gf for a year and a half, I never introduced her to family and friends because she could often act rather weird. Perhaps it was her youth, her extreme self-centeredness, or her social awkwardness, or perhaps her fear of social rejection, but I always had a fear that she would say or do things that would make others uncomfortable or create drama.

About nine months into our relationship, as the idealization phase was slowly losing some intensity, I began to think that she had Asperger's Syndrome because of her lack of empathy and social intelligence. This from a woman that for many months seemed to be one of the sweetest, most charming, and warmly affectionate women I had ever met. But the longer we dated, the more she told me of her past addiction to drugs and alcohol; her problems with depression, anxiety, and psychosis; the dysfunction and criminality of her family life; her anorexia and shoplifting. Although I could tolerate her most of the time, sometimes she drove me crazy with her non stop drama. She seemed to be a person uncomfortable in her own skin.

As a kid, her mother used to tell her "B__, there is something not quite right about you" which I assumed had to do with her strange behavior, although the ex seemed to think that her mother was referring to some "evil" inside of her (she reviled that interpretation after we broke up). At any rate, I was afraid that my own mother would not like her, although I can't exactly explain why.

The one person I wanted to introduce her to was a friend of mine, an alcoholic in recovery. I knew he had met a lot of strange people in AA over the years, and I had a feeling she would not phase him. They may have even liked each other. Certainly, he would probably be far less likely to judge her, based on stories about some of the characters he'd built friendships with in AA. Interestingly, she left me for a heavy drug user, and her addiction came back full force over the course of two weeks. They last time we spoke, she told me she was a drug addict (again) and struggling to get through the day. I guess my replacement was't a positive influence.

I am curious if the rest of you ever found the behavior of your ex somehow odd, and if you were afraid to introduce them to others in your life.

[Clearmind]

I was asking my ex to be something he is not. I had to let go of the control over his actions and look at why I stayed in a dysfunctional relationship where the red flags were flying high.

Your ex have you a lot of information about herself. Did you not believe them to be true?

[Narellan]

Absolutely true for me. I knew my family did not like my exBPD. In fact no one seemed to. I kept the relationship hidden from everyone for 4 months. Only my best friend knew, and my friends on here! He was known as weird and had had this label for as long as I can remember. Certainly when we were growing up as kids he was the "scared little weird guy" I was surprised at how hard I fell for him knowing this. Toward the end of our " friendship" or whatever the hell it was we became public and the $hit really hit the fan. My family didn't speak to me for weeks and I was pretty isolated. He then ditched me due to the drama and replaced me with my best friend who was the only one i had confided in for the time I was with him. It's interesting in retrospect I was wary of him but he charmed me in no time. Even to this day I will defend him which is ridiculous given the trauma he put me through.

[blissful_camper]

In public, my ex was well mannered, and made a good impression.  To most.   My mother later revealed to me that she didn't like him, and a close friend described him as "opaque."  (He had something to hide)

[Infern0]

Yes and no.

I wanted to introduce her and bring her into my social circle because I thought being around positive people would help her,  but she was resistant to it. But at the same time she could act out of turn on occasion and say shocking comments.  She did not know how to behave,  so I was concerned about that.

[Pieter2]

This is a very good question. My BPDex would be socially fantastic - Everyone loved her socially. That lasted just 1 month. Then, all of a sudden, she couldn't handle any social situation without conflict/strangeness/awkwardness/raging/sitting on her own moping etc. etc. She became extremely socially awkward and could never see how badly she embarrassed me. None of my friends understood what happened. I knew my mother was coming to visit in 3 months time and would then meet her. I made sure I left her before that. It was very clear that she would most certainly start a fight with my mother over something as anyone who spoke to me (even on the phone) would be treated so badly, weirdly etc. that they either left me out of their lives or I would not attend social gatherings anymore as I wad terrified of how she would embarrass me again... .True colors I guess... .

[Tiepje3]

It was hard for me to see which behaviour was 'strange' because he moved from the States to Europe to be with me and my children. He had some funny things, like tuning out at a family gathering by wearing earphones and listening to music. But sometimes that was because he didn't master the language enough to follow a conversation. Although everyone spoke English to him and after three years he was able to get most of the conversation in another language.

He would chat to everyone on buses, trains, planes, bars and I liked that most of the times, because he'd break the ice and we ended up having new 'friends' or at least a nice evening somewhere. But I also noticed that sometimes I had to save those people because he kept interrupting them with a new story or new questions. He missed the annoyed looks that a couple would exchange when he kept talking and talking.

In six years time (starting off with a two year LDR) it was always difficult to know if he was just different, had a different culture, different language, his emigration, his or my past divorce, insomnia, work stress or whatever. I kept looking for excuses for his chaotic lifestyle.

Looking back on it, I now realise that I always kind of 'followed' him where ever he went or whatever he impulsively did and telling myself it was 'just who he was' because of all the things mentioned above. After another six months of verbal abuse, silent treatment etc. I have now decided it is not him being 'just different', it is him WITH BPD/NPD.

"just different" people probably do not treat their spouses like the way he treated me.

[Mr Hollande]

Your story is eerily familiar P66.

My greatest fear with her in social settings was her drinking. She is a terrible drunk and every time she had a drink in her hand my heart would sink and I'd pray she wouldn't overdo it and start embarrassing me.

One time on vacation in Germany we were invited to a friends summer house for a bbq. His parents were there and it was a real meat feast plus lots of great German beer and various alcoholic drinks with herbs in them. She overdid it completely and towards the end of the evening was touching up my friends dad who is in his 80's. Thank God for my friend who ended the evening in a very tactful way before it got completely out of hand.

[Penumbra66]

Your ex have you a lot of information about herself. Did you not believe them to be true?

My ex seemed to fully acknowledge the personal dangers of drugs and alcohol, and had been sober--with a few exceptions--for two years. She was also aware of the dysfunction of her past and family life in particular, and seemed determined to create a different future. This including putting herself through college with zero help from her family, in addition to volunteer work as a rape crisis counselor and work in social services. She was also seeing a psychiatrist for help with depression and anxiety. On paper, her life looked good.

And then she met my replacement, and began using drugs daily. After that, everything--school, work, our relationship--was destroyed. There were three recycles over five weeks, before deciding to stay with my replacement permanently after I caught her cheating.

Before the drug use, her mental health, work ethic, and plans for the future had improved dramatically over the course of six months. Our relationship seemed to have improved. She had become less needy, less demanding, and more independent. While there was still drama in the relationship, there was much less than there had been. Ironically, the day before she first got high with him, I realized that I was happier in our relationship than I had ever been.

Unfortunately, she told me afterwards that her independence was due to her investing less in our relationship. Apparently she believed that I was not sufficiently invested. That was a surprise to me, because I had come to the point where I not only loved her, I was actually liking her more and more. To her, the stability in our relationship had become boring. Apparently, I don't offer the same thrills as her suicidal, married boyfriend.

[LettingGo14]

Unfortunately, she told me afterwards that her independence was due to her investing less in our relationship. Apparently she believed that I was not sufficiently invested. That was a surprise to me, because I had come to the point where I not only loved her, I was actually liking her more and more. To her, the stability in our relationship had become boring. Apparently, I don't offer the same thrills as her suicidal, married boyfriend.

If you can, at some point, read back through your old posts.  I do this periodically- especially with my earliest posts- it helps me see the progress on this non-linear journey.

I know you are in agony.   I get it.

But, you are still defining yourself with her words, and you are using your perceptions of her replacement as a mirror.

When you get to the point of dropping her words in the trash, and letting the mirage of her replacement evaporate, you will begin the work of detachment.

I say this with empathy and kindness.  You can define yourself, and stop comparisons.

[SpringInMyStep]

My ex was extremely odd! I did introduce her to some friends and co-workers and they all said she was very weird. She wouldn't make eye contact, wouldn't talk very much, her mannerisms were very weird. I've had people later tell me they thought she was very rude and inappropriate in a social setting and I agree with them. I knew the relationship wasn't going to last when we both realized we did not like the same kinds of people.

[whatathing]

I also wondered about Aperger´s... .some two months out in the r/s, I started searching for the "symptoms" she presented, and it came down to 3 possibilities, at that time, as far as I could know: BPD, Bipolar, or Asperger´s. I still think that she has traits that could perfectly fit Asperger´s, which are: social awkwardness /lack of awareness of social cues; very obsessive interests related to order and mathmatics; lack of affection towards others. But she could disguise all that very well, she apparently was an extrovert person. But had no friends and liked to stay at home.

The other traits convinced me of BPD, specially the drama, the puss/pull the abandonment / engulfment fears, etc...

She worried me in social situations mainly because she didn´t listen to other´s conversation, interrupted them, and was never still, always had to find some distraction. She also had strange seductive behaviors that weren´t explicit, but left me anxious, wondering if I should be worried about it or not. Once, in her own birthday party, she was like an hour chatting with one mail friend, ignoring every other guests, including me, and not noticing the inherent inappropiateness of that behavior. Other occasion, she took off her shoes and started dancing madly in a wedding party, where no one else was doing that. In her family, she was ignored and ostracized because they were used to her unconventional behavior. It´s not that I judge it or don´t like unconventional behavior, I actually like that style. But the way she acted was weird.

[JonnyKrunch]

[/quote]
But, you are still defining yourself with her words, ... .

When you get to the point of dropping her words in the trash, ... .

I say this with empathy and kindness.  You can define yourself, and stop comparisons.[/quote]
Not trying to hijack this thread, but I just want to say one of the

reasons I read this board is to find little gems of wisdom that I can apply

to what I am currently going through.

(see the quote above)

Mine was seldom embarrassingly strange in public, but definitely strange,

and rude for no apparent reason. She thought people were talking about her

and judging her, or she thought all the women were trying to get my

attention. 

[Bak86]

Yes. Yes she is, i found it cute at first. But it got annoying real fast.

She has weird views on the world and loves to share bold opinions with strangers. In fact today she said to a bunch of coworkers including me that (mind my language) sperm tastes like boogers and it's warm, so it's all gross! what the heck, who says stuff like that to a bunch of people? That's private stuff and all. Weirdo!

[SpringInMyStep]

oh I just remembered something else about my exBPD! She would talk about really inappropriate topics around anyone. Like if we were in a bar, or with friends, she'd want to discuss rape and other such topics. She didn't seem to care that people just got quiet when she talked about that stuff... .in fact, she did it on purpose to force people to talk about tough topics. I told her I thought that wasn't fair because if someone else discussed something she was uncomfortable with, she'd get "triggered" and upset, but she could talk about whatever she wanted.

Also, weirdly inappropriate sexual behaviors towards anyone. She always told me that for her, the line between friendship and romance was very blurry and she didn't like to make strict distinctions. Now I understand this is her BPD making her seek out any and all types of connections and attention from anyone who will give it to her. It's creepy and disgusting.

[Vatz]

It's weird but when I talked to one of my friends about her that she met, he said "She seemed kind of b*tchy.* Thing is, I don't really recall her acting in that way when around my friends. Although I admit I was always a little nervous she would act strange. I didn't mind her quirks, but I knew other folks would find them strange.

But almost most family that met her thought she was rude. I figured her behavior was shyness or something but I don't know. It's like everyone else saw what I didn't or didn't want to.

She'd often switch from rude and uninterested to this manic pixie dream-girl type. Anyone know what I'm talking about?

Anyone ever get that tense feeling in the back of your neck when they'd act really childish out in public?

I always thought it was cute when it was just me and her, but when among company or somewhere public I'd cringe just a little. Maybe I'm the jerk in this one.

[Narellan]

I can remember an incident with my exBPD where I was showing him some moves I had learned the day prior in a self defence training class for work. I work with people with disabilities and had recently been physically assaulted, which is a common occurance. So we all did some training on how to get out of these situations without harming the perpetrator. BPD ex and I had been walking on the beach but had just gone onto a main road when he decided to "test" my skills. Lol... .no way was he going to let me win. No way could I get out of the holds he had me in. I was laughing, but helpless. People were looking. One guy looked like he was going to stop to help... .Im kind of cringing about that now, but at the time I was in my happy bubble. Thing was, my exBPD was serious, and I was only mucking around. Embarrassing now I think about it. He drew attention to us, and he was totally oblivious to normal peoples reactions around us... .