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Author Topic: Did Your BPD mother "buy" you Things?  (Read 2038 times)
jdtm
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« on: September 19, 2014, 07:26:01 AM »

Our granddaughter was commenting this week that her uBPD mother never buys her anything.  She is now in her late teens, but her mother tends to neglect holidays as Christmas and birthdays.  And, of course, she never takes her shopping unless our granddaughter has her "own" money.  Her mother has remarried so they are not living in the same home (she does earn a very decent paycheque).  Is this "selfishness or self-centeredness" common?
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jmanvo2015
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« Reply #1 on: September 19, 2014, 07:41:42 AM »

Actually, my BPD/NPD mom does the opposite.  She is a HUGE gift giver.  Gifts are one of the tools she uses to buy people's loyalty, including my own.  Her holiday gifts are always the most thoughtful and expensive I get.  Her doing this creates a lot of confusion and self-doubt for me because on the one hand she's very emotionally abusive and manipulative, but then on the other she puts such an effort into making my holidays special.  Her gift giving also makes her look like such a great person to others, too.  She is always buying the neighbors holiday gifts, the hairdresser, the cleaning people, etc. People think she's so kind and thoughtful, but they've never seen her rages or heard the abusive language she can throw at a 7 year old kid (you c*&ck-s&%king, mo&&^%r-f##@@kr - yes she said things like that to me from the time I was old enough to comprehend language

But that's my mom - Jekyll and Hyde.  She's either great or awful.  It's just another way to keep unsettled, unvalidated and co-dependent. 
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highroadstepmom

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« Reply #2 on: September 19, 2014, 07:51:33 AM »

It's funny - with my stepkids and their uBPD mom she will often promise grand gifts right before time with their father and me. I remember one father's day after the kids spent the day with their father, as they got of out his car at their mom's house she opened to the door and a christmas like pile of presents could be seen. 

On the flip side - she seems unable to plan for cold weather and sends the kids to school in shorts on mornings when it's 50 degrees out, doesn't send their winter coats with kids when the weather is forecast calls for snow etc. 

It seems like the gifts are part of the create the loyalty thing.  But then there are other parts of the BPD that are completely inattentive.  It may depend on the individual.  From what I read there can be strong crossover with BPD and narcissistic disorder... .if your grand daughter isn't fulfilling some affirmation, she may be off the radar as far as gifts and clothes go because she's not 'giving' anything to her mother's need for attention and affirmation. Just a thought. I know it must hurt your granddaughter whatever the reason.
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jdtm
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« Reply #3 on: September 19, 2014, 08:56:21 AM »

Excerpt
If your grand daughter isn't fulfilling some affirmation, she may be off the radar as far as gifts and clothes go because she's not 'giving' anything to her mother's need for attention and affirmation.

highroadstepmon - I think you "hit the nail on the head".  Our ex-DIL does not value traits that our granddaughter has inherited - brains, logic, and "introspective thinking".  Her idea of a "perfect" daughter would be the social butterfly with great beauty (although not more beautiful than she).  Sad isn't it - missing a relationship with a great kid.  Whatever ... .
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HappyChappy
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« Reply #4 on: September 19, 2014, 09:09:42 AM »

My BPDm was very mean. Rarely got gifts and they were always an insult. I’m dyslexic so one Christmas pretty much all I got was a dictionary. But it wasn’t second hand, so I was quiet pleased about that. I had hand me down everything, including my dad's discarded underpants (no joke). The elastic had gone in his Y fronts in the boil wash, so I'd be forever adjusting myself as I walked the corridors at school. I had shoes with holes in that squeaked and only ever one pair of non school trousers, that were always too small for me. I was the scape goat, but my siblings didn’t fair much better. My BPD also had a habit of suggesting you’d get things – but she never delivered on her suggestions.

My BPD had the money. She had gold jewellery and a pearl necklace. She clearly resented wasting money on kids, as she called it. Because kids break everything so why waist her money. But the amazing thing was I didn't see how selfish she was being, because she always had a reason. She got steak and we got sausages, because we wouldn't like steak. Here jewellery was bought by her husband... .she would never waist that money.  But in honesty the lack of presents was irrelevant, it was the lack of love and respect that hurts. If a BPD isn’t a present buyer, I doubt you’ll change that.

I think it’s important that the child understands, there’s nothing they can do about that and it’s not a reflection upon them. I was crest fallen so many times, in the foolish belief that if I please my BPD I might get some reward. 

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Change2014
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« Reply #5 on: September 19, 2014, 10:37:37 PM »

My uBPD mother goes over the top with gift giving.  It doesn't even feel like it is about me at all or my wishes.  When I became pregnant she started inundating me with gifts for the baby and now that my son is born she does the same thing.  She literally came over to the house at Christmas with a garbage bag full of gifts.  It is so over the top that I feel overwhelmed.  She also gets very annoyed if I don't use all of her gifts.  Even though I will tell her that I prefer certain practical things for our son, she continues to buy outfits that are completely impractical.  I did recently start giving her a maximum gift limit and she did respect my wishes.  So that is progress.  I feel like she is trying to compensate for her lack of involvement in my son's life through gifts.
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yogibear60
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« Reply #6 on: September 22, 2014, 08:45:39 AM »

My BPD -mom was always pretty generous but there was always a huge emotional price to pay.  She would let me know how much money she spent. blah, blah, blah.  The more interesting thing she would do is not wrap gifts.  She would sort of throw them at me like it was such a burden.  She would spent time and effort to buy gifts for other people, hair dresser, neighbors, friends and make sure they were wrapped and perfect.  She built such a façade around herself.  The perfect mother and friend.   I always felt like I was standing outside, jumping up and down, looking in a window that was a bit too high to see in.  As I jumped up I would catch a brief glance of her kindness.  The room was warm, inviting, filled with laughter and I was outside in the cold. 
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enlighten me
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« Reply #7 on: September 22, 2014, 09:17:29 AM »

My uBPDexgf would always but her children presents. Especially if they had done something wrong and she had told them off. I always hought this was wrong as it was encouraging them to misbehave but now I see it as her abandonment fears kicking in and trying to make sure her children love her and wont leave.
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smrk871345

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« Reply #8 on: September 22, 2014, 10:10:49 AM »

Funny because my BPD mother would buy us stuff all the time, even when we tell her not to. Then, of course, we can't get rid of it because then that means we don't appreciate her.

I was well into my teen years when she was still buying me cartoon Disney movies. Now I'm in my 30's and she still buys me stupid little Hallmark ornaments. Sometimes she'd get us nice things, useful things, but mostly it's just clutter. She pushes her will on people. Last year she show up at my brother's house with a piece of furniture, expecting him to rearrange everything just to fit it! Then she got angry and insulted, saying horrible things about his wife, when they rejected it.

It's caused problems for me because I live in small apartments or group homes and I move every year. I don't have a lot of space for storage, and I hate having to carry this stuff around. It's a real burden. Much of it lives in my grandparent's attic right now because there's no room for it in my mother's attic. She's a hoarder.

She likes to buy decorations for rooms that don't exist. When I was a teenager, she asked me how I would decorate my apartment when I get older. When I told her I like red, she bought me a bright red bedspread for a queen-sized bed! I kept it for a few years before finally giving it away. I never used it. I have so many stories like this. Seven years ago she bought me a set of dishes to use outside for when I have a patio someday. Those are in Gramma's attic right now... .along with the lamp shades, place mats, bistro set, the Christmas decorations and other things I never wanted.

When I ask her to buy me something specific, she'll go as cheap as possible, giving me something that breaks in a month. Then I have to go out and buy it for myself anyway. She'll spend extra money to get it monogrammed instead of getting the better model that won't fall apart.

Sometimes I think it would be better if she just gave me nothing. But one time she gave me a vegetarian cookbook that I've used a LOT. And also I have some nice mementos to pass on to my kids.
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gentlestguardian
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« Reply #9 on: September 22, 2014, 10:56:38 AM »

My BPDm would buy me stuff but it always came with a price. Like any time we would leave the mall and I'd have gotten something but she didn't, she'd always say something like, "I got screwed again." I always ignored it as a joke, but in retrospect, it was pretty spiteful. Now that I'm a grown up, she expects me to pay for her clothing and other needs because she paid for me as a child. Once I started refusing to give her my money, she said to me, "Oh, so you were okay accepting my money and gifts for all those years (i.e., my childhood), and now you won't give me any of yours?" It's just too twisted. She also really liked to get little gifts and cute things for our family friends or neighbors that were particularly understanding of her. I'd get gifts and things on my birthdays, but they were always chochtkies or clothes that didn't fit me. I don't have a single gift from her growing up that was something I actually wanted or fit my interests. She did give me a really awesome Harry Potter journal once... .when I was in my 20s. About 7 years late, but at least the thought was there? And Christmases were the absolute worst. She'd have total breakdowns every Christmas about "how much stuff I wanted." I don't even remember asking for gifts... .certainly not ones beyond everyday art supplies or clothing. She'd cry and cry about "oh what am I going to do with you." I got a job at the age of 14 to support the household income and pay for rent and food because I felt so guilty about her spending money.
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funfunctional
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« Reply #10 on: September 23, 2014, 12:43:01 PM »

We call it "dangling the carrot".

BPD MIL buys people with money.  She promises money and gifts.  Most of the time she doesn't come thru with them but is successful in getting people to do what she wants them to... .which is usually something nasty.

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cleotokos
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« Reply #11 on: September 25, 2014, 02:38:26 PM »

My mom was always very cheap, but we were also very poor so it's somewhat understandable. She would never miss a gift on a birthday or christmas, but it was usually a useless knickknack she would find at the dollar store (when I stopped telling her what I wanted for a gift - as a child she usually got me things I asked for). Always things that were completely unreflective of my personality. For years, she would buy anything, literally ANYTHING that had a cat on it for me. Like just junk. I would cart it to the thrift store almost immediately.
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RayNigh

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« Reply #12 on: September 27, 2014, 11:44:55 PM »

Like jmanvo2015 and others have mentioned, my mom (uBPD) will always buy gifts for others. When I was younger, she would try to buy my friends to by purchasing items while out shopping, buying dinner, or other items. However, the "gifts" came with a cost. If the person did not show affection or great appreciation toward the item she would/will turn away and punish the person for not being receptive and appreciative of the item.
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yogibear60
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« Reply #13 on: September 28, 2014, 08:34:51 AM »

Interesting conversation:  It seems like I can find bits of pieces of my mom in each statement.  Gads, it is extremely nice to know that I am not alone.  It is extremely comforting.  I was at a birthday celebration the other night and I watched in wonder as this family treated each other with such kindness and respect.  The thing I appreciated as I sat and watched the family interaction is that I understood why I always felt so "alien".    That is a good thing.  I am beginning to take all the information that I am learning and generalize to my life. 
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justchillinit

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« Reply #14 on: September 30, 2014, 03:12:01 AM »

I can also relate to many of these posts. My uBPDm is notorious for gift giving and expecting something in return, loyalty, overwhelming praise, or uses it almost as a "get out of jail free card" when she has done/said something inappropriate. On Christmas, she would usually get us a couple things we asked for, along with boxes of useless things that ended up collecting dust for years and every year we would tell her to stop spending so much money. She even would tell us how much she spent and sometimes individually tell us that she spent a little more on that child she was talking to, since there were 3 of us kids and I believe that was a way of manipulation. I even remember her spending just as much money (because she told us) on one of my brother's girlfriends of about 6 months like it was her own child, which she continued to do to both of my brother's significant others from that point on as if she was in a competition with them. (Interestingly, the only gift she got my husband was our wedding gift and has spoken to him maybe 2-3x in about the 4 years we've been together, never expressing any desire to get to know him.) I find that part interesting as I remember reading that this is common with BPD mothers and the competition they may feel with their son's significant others. With me, it felt like she was always in a competition with me as her daughter. By the time my wedding came around, her and my uNPDf were running empty on cash due to their gambling. My uBPDm was too unstable to play any role in planning my wedding (refusing at times/committing at times/not showing up, etc. --after the wedding I went NC for multiple reasons especially my own sanity!). There were times she would send me a box of used stuff at the thift store for my wedding that had no reflection of my husband & I's wishes for our wedding, like I was suppose to come beg her to be apart of my day? It really only was another mental note I made realizing how sick she really is and how nothing has changed, she didnt know me when I was little buying boxes of useless things and she didnt know me all those years later at my wedding.

I am glad to see I am not the only one who has noticed this too!
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selane

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« Reply #15 on: September 30, 2014, 05:34:29 PM »

Funny because my BPD mother would buy us stuff all the time, even when we tell her not to. Then, of course, we can't get rid of it because then that means we don't appreciate her.

I was well into my teen years when she was still buying me cartoon Disney movies. Now I'm in my 30's and she still buys me stupid little Hallmark ornaments. Sometimes she'd get us nice things, useful things, but mostly it's just clutter.

Boy does this sound familiar! My BPD mother equates gifts and money with affection and love. She thinks we expect it from her and that if we don't get it, THAT is why we don't have her in our lives. She uses this as a tool to be able to say, "my daughters don't love me because I don't spend enough $$ on them or buy them enough, nothing I ever do is enough." Meanwhile, the gifts she gives are all crap. Dollar store, poor quality, nothing meaningful, QVC CRAP. things she see on late night infomercials. It's a joke. I can't tell you how much crap I've thrown away or donated. I wish she would just save the money- she is horrible with money and is constantly struggling and in financially unstable situations (the town now owns her house because she didn't pay taxes for 5 years!)

Sorry, I'm rambling now... .but to answer your question, YES my BPD mother buys gifts but it has very selfish motivation behind it. She spends as little time and effort as possible but still feels it's enough to be able to say she gave us "everything" and it still "wasn't enough."

A side note- my mom is NOTORIOUS for showing up to important events- mine and my sister's baby showers, our kids' birthdays, etc... .with wrapping paper and tape so she can wrap the gift she brought... .and then asks for a pen to write in the card she is giving us. this happens constantly. Nothing says "thoughtful" like writing in the card you're about to give someone just before you hand it to them.
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Attie

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« Reply #16 on: October 02, 2014, 01:27:00 AM »

Things she approved of I'd get... .I wanted to learn how to play the violin, I'd get lessons. I wanted a book from some guy who was famous for writing good literature, I'd get it.

However, if I wanted something Disney I was out of luck, she hates Disney. If I wanted anything she disapproved of, I wouldn't get it.
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pjv42

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« Reply #17 on: October 09, 2014, 06:59:16 PM »

This is only my first post after my intro, so I am not at all equipped to give advice to anyone. Today is the first day that I am even understanding that my mother's behavior may have something to do with BPD... .and not me. I have been reading many posts, and light bulbs are turning on which is strangely giving me anxiety as well as relief.

My mother is not a gift giver for birthdays or holidays, nor does she celebrate anything that has to do with me. She does however, give random gifts which eventually turn into instances of rage, tears, screaming, and then the silent treatment. I am in my 40s and spend very little time in her company as a way of lessening the drama that I believed (until today) that I was causing her to carry out.

About a month ago, she purchased the strangest straw hats for my daughters. I knew to graciously thank her for them and gush over how perfect they were. Almost like clockwork, the next time we spoke she steered the conversation to the hats and why my daughters had not worn them yet. Before I could get a word in, her husband (my stepdad) began berating me for calling the hats "disgusting", and actually said he witnessed me say those words. Not only had I never said an unkind word about them, but he wasn't even there the day she gave them to me. (Does this type of thing happen with spouses of BPD?) She screamed for an hour about how selfish, ungrateful and worthless I was, and how I needed "help". She then turned to her husband and said "see, I told you she doesn't love me at all". All I could do was cry and apologize, and accept my silent treatment for the next three weeks.

Just last week she called me (signaling the end of the silent treatment, and acting as if nothing had happened) and said that she had something to show me. My anxiety went through the roof. I went to her house and she presented three boxes which had athletic shoes in them. They were all different sizes and colors. Instantly I froze, still reeling from the last silent treatment and gathered my thoughts while my heart pounded in my chest. Oh gosh, none of these will fit me so if I accept a pair there will soon be a new drama about how ungrateful I am for not wearing them... .but if I thank her for thinking of me but advise that they won't fit, I will have my drama and silent treatment now. I chose option 2, and the newest episode happened. With tears streaming down my face I just said "please please don't say that I said they were disgusting... .they are beautiful but my feet are just too big... .". Even as I type this my chest sinks and I realize how much pain I suppress. I am on silent treatment day 6.
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Harri
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« Reply #18 on: October 09, 2014, 07:45:28 PM »

PJV, 

Oh how my heart ached reading your post.  The silent treatment is the worst to deal with.  So very hurtful especially when used as a weapon and as a means to control.

The thing is, that is exactly what she is trying to do here.  This is not about you or the size of your feet or the straw hats for your girls.  This is about her and her illness and her need to control and humiliate and keep you down. 

But that is her stuff.  All of that is about her and not one bit of it has anything to do with you or who you are.  As you read more about the disorder and learn about the different aspects and how it shows in behaviors like silent treatment, you will learn about things like projection and splitting and dissociation.

For now, just breathe and remember this:  this is not about you.  I promise you, this is not about you.  It is about her and her disorder and has nothing to do with you or who you are as a person.  She is so caught up in her own pain and dysfunction that she can't even see you.  I promise you that is the truth.  I don't make many promises, but this I know is true. 

Keep reading, but don't try to take it all in at once.  pace yourself and post so we can listen, support and help you.






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pjv42

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« Reply #19 on: October 09, 2014, 08:25:35 PM »

Thank you so much for responding Harri,  :'(

Your words are so very understanding, and your advice is so appreciated. Pace myself indeed. I have busied myself for the last 40+ years with trying to better myself so that I wouldn't be such a disappointment. As a result, a great deal of despair and anger have been suppressed. Today for the first time, I cry. Tears for the little girl who realized, perhaps hours ago, that she is not to blame. It is a powerful realization that will change my life going forward. Now begins the real work, and I would be lying if I said it wasn't completely overwhelming.

Thanks again, so kindly.
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Harri
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« Reply #20 on: October 09, 2014, 08:47:54 PM »

Excerpt
Tears for the little girl who realized, perhaps hours ago, that she is not to blame. It is a powerful realization that will change my life going forward.

Yes.  Good for you for getting to that point.  As crappy as it may feel, it is good to cry and let it all out.  That little girl is probably tired and relieved right now. 

PJV, taking the first steps towards emotional freedom is huge.  It is hard work, very hard.  But the pay-off is worth every bit of it. 

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