What are your thoughts?

[willtimeheal]

I haven't really heard from my BPDgf since mid August. When we went back to work in September she acted like everything was ok. She had been spending all her time with her brother and she started drinking again. I only saw her at work and never heard from her outside of work. I finally told her she could have a relationship with me or her brother. She got made and I didn't hear anything from her for two weeks. After about three days I decided i was done and its about time I move on with my life. Six years of the same crap over and over... .let's face it nothing is going to change. I have to tell you the last two weeks I have had some pinpoints nutrients most part I am really happy and it shows. People even tell me I look really happy.

So the other day I got a text from her saying how sad it was that I am now avoiding her after all these years. I wrote back that avoidance and running away was her her thing and that I just don't want negative people in my life. I want people who are going to life me up and enrich me and that I know my value and worth now and I am an incredible person. I didn't hear any response.

Today I got a text that said "I miss you."  I simply responded that I want positive people around me and she chose her life... .Her dysfunctional brother and alcohol. I also told her that I learned her saying I miss you or I love you means ... .I need something from you. I told her I am worth so much more and I deserve so much more and I will never settle for less. She wrote back that she didn't miss "her and I"  She is happy we are not together... .much less.stress. She just misses talking to me.

I wrote her back saying I really didn't miss anything. And that I am incredible. She replied by saying I have to tell people I am incredible a lot. I responded... .I am incredible and told her to take care. I didn't hear anything after that.

My question is why contact me if she is so happy?  Is she happy?  Cuz honestly as happy as I am I hope she realizes what she gave up even though I am aware she never will realize it. I also know she probably has bills due... .sorry bank is closed.  Is she hoping I would say I miss her?  When I didn't say I missed her is that why she said she didn't miss "us?"  Could she possibly miss us?  I am aware it doesn't matter. I am never going back to her but I am curious. I wonder w her mind works.

[freedom33]

My question is why contact me if she is so happy?  Is she happy?  Cuz honestly as happy as I am I hope she realizes what she gave up even though I am aware she never will realize it. I also know she probably has bills due... .sorry bank is closed.  Is she hoping I would say I miss her?  When I didn't say I missed her is that why she said she didn't miss "us?"  Could she possibly miss us?  I am aware it doesn't matter. I am never going back to her but I am curious. I wonder w her mind works.

There could a million reasons why all of them selfish. The whys asked about a BPDs behaviour are cries in the wilderness. If you are trying to understand madness in the end you will understand it by becoming mad yourself. I had to stop ask whys about her and try to ask more hows, whens and whats about me i.e. how do I get out of this? What do I need? When can I start doing something positive for my life?

[willtimeheal]

Thanks Freedom... .

I know the asking the whys can drive a person crazy. I am actually proud to say I am in a good place. Therapy is going well and I finally "see" the part that I played and she played in this dance. I loom at my life now and although I may hit a bump here and there I am looking forward to my future. I am excited about it.

I just had to laugh today when I got that text. I will be honest it gives me some satisfaction knowing that I am where I am and happy and she is miserable. Throughout the entire relationship I was told I made her miserable. So the fact that she might be miserable or upset right now because I am not in her life does give me some satisfaction. I hope to get to the point of happiness for her. But right now I am working on me.

[willtimeheal]

Ok a step backwards today or maybe forward. I am not sure. I am now pissed she sent me that text three days ago telling me she missed me. How dare she!  Hasn't she messed with my life and my feelings enough. I am in a good place. I am moving forward and I will not be brought back to the miserable place. Where do these people get off thinking they can just screw with us whenever they want. I am done with this bull!

[tim_tom]

There could a million reasons why all of them selfish. The whys asked about a BPDs behaviour are cries in the wilderness. If you are trying to understand madness in the end you will understand it by becoming mad yourself. I had to stop ask whys about her and try to ask more hows, whens and whats about me i.e. how do I get out of this? What do I need? When can I start doing something positive for my life?

This site needs a like button. LMAO

love posts like this, and spot on. The more I ask why, the more I try and understand by reading/thinking/analyzing... the more unstable i become...

And need to accept that it just is and freaken forget about

[fromheeltoheal]

She wrote back that she didn't miss "her and I"  She is happy we are not together... .much less.stress. She just misses talking to me.

Mine used to do the same thing; it's the borderline push/pull dance.  Too close and she feels engulfed, too far and she feels abandoned, so she's trying to find that happy place on the fence between the two, only it's always moving and any contentment is short lived and unsustainable.  The upside is she really does like you, or she wouldn't try, and she's doing the best she can from inside the disorder.  Best to not try and apply logic our common courtesy to anything she does, she's stuck in that dance but you have a choice.  And it will never change.  Take care of you!

[Blimblam]

My question is why contact me if she is so happy?  Is she happy?  Cuz honestly as happy as I am I hope she realizes what she gave up even though I am aware she never will realize it. I also know she probably has bills due... .sorry bank is closed.  Is she hoping I would say I miss her?  When I didn't say I missed her is that why she said she didn't miss "us?"  Could she possibly miss us?  I am aware it doesn't matter. I am never going back to her but I am curious. I wonder w her mind works.

There could a million reasons why all of them selfish. The whys asked about a BPDs behaviour are cries in the wilderness. If you are trying to understand madness in the end you will understand it by becoming mad yourself. I had to stop ask whys about her and try to ask more hows, whens and whats about me i.e. how do I get out of this? What do I need? When can I start doing something positive for my life?

Lol this is so funny.  If you want to know why be prepared to go mad seriously.  Then become a philosopher. 

[willtimeheal]

She wrote back that she didn't miss "her and I"  She is happy we are not together... .much less.stress. She just misses talking to me.

Mine used to do the same thing; it's the borderline push/pull dance.  Too close and she feels engulfed, too far and she feels abandoned, so she's trying to find that happy place on the fence between the two, only it's always moving and any contentment is short lived and unsustainable.  The upside is she really does like you, or she wouldn't try, and she's doing the best she can from inside the disorder.  Best to not try and apply logic our common courtesy to anything she does, she's stuck in that dance but you have a choice.  And it will never change.  Take care of you!

Thanks heel to heal... .and I don't mean this in a rude way you just got me thinking so now I am venting... .

I have to say thou, of course she likes me.  Heck I bought her fabulous gifts, took her on vacations, paid her bills, took her to dinner, movies, concerts, and shopping, and I let her talk down to me, belittle me, emotionally, and verbally abuse me... .I was  Her F'in doormat for six years. And now I am gone. I would miss that too!  I am pissed. But I guess that is a good thing.

[fromheeltoheal]

I have to say thou, of course she likes me.  Heck I bought her fabulous gifts, took her on vacations, paid her bills, took her to dinner, movies, concerts, and shopping, and I let her talk down to me, belittle me, emotionally, and verbally abuse me... .I was  Her F'in doormat for six years. And now I am gone. I would miss that too!  I am pissed. But I guess that is a good thing.

Yes, those things were nice, and in BPD-land they meant an attachment was still in place, she still had you, and once she had you she could dump all the negative crap she was feeling on you; you served a purpose.  Unfair as hell, but such is the disorder.

And yes, being angry is a very good thing, it's you standing up for yourself and saying enough is enough, and it's also an important part of healing.  It will go away, and maybe be replaced with another emotion it's time to work through, but know you're on the right path.  Take care of you!

[enlighten me]

She wrote back that she didn't miss "her and I"  She is happy we are not together... .much less.stress. She just misses talking to me.

Mine used to do the same thing; it's the borderline push/pull dance.  Too close and she feels engulfed, too far and she feels abandoned, so she's trying to find that happy place on the fence between the two, only it's always moving and any contentment is short lived and unsustainable.  The upside is she really does like you, or she wouldn't try, and she's doing the best she can from inside the disorder.  Best to not try and apply logic our common courtesy to anything she does, she's stuck in that dance but you have a choice.  And it will never change.  Take care of you!

This is something ive read a bit about lately. The fact that they cant do relationships is what I don't miss us refers to. The fact that they miss you means just that. It seems from what Ive been reading that when in a relationship the expectations are so high that it is impossible for the non to meet them. This causes the pwBPD to start the destructive behaviour. They realise they are doing it and realise their expectations are too high but just cant help themselves as the fact you cant meet their expectations falls nicely into the abandonment issues. In other words if you loved me you would be who I want you to be but your not so you don't love me.

They want a relationship but know that they can never have one as they will sabotage it whereas if you remain friends they can still be a part of your life but without the fallout that a relationship will inevitably bring.

[fromheeltoheal]

They want a relationship but know that they can never have one as they will sabotage it whereas if you remain friends they can still be a part of your life but without the fallout that a relationship will inevitably bring.

Yes, that's the goal, although even a 'friendship' is unstable, and what is a friendship anyway?  A relationship based on trust and respect; did anyone really have that with your ex?

And of course the other side is us partners have our own agenda, we usually want something more, but are tempted to 'settle' for a friendship, whatever that is, for our own reasons.  That's really where the juice is, digging into why we would want a friendship with someone who treated us the way we were treated, and why we want something more, that addictive feeling, the yearning for something we're not getting and know on some level could never get.  The reasons for that may be very old, a dearth of affection or supportive mirroring in our youth perhaps?  The unearthing of all of that can be seen as the gift of the relationship, after the dust settles.

[enlighten me]

The problem we all face here is that we care too much. We get emotionally attached too easily.

With regards to friendship we can never be friends with them because as you so rightly say we want more than friendship. Our definition of friendship and a BPDs are two totally different things. To a BPD a friend is someone they know who doesn't hate them.

[tim_tom]

The problem we all face here is that we care too much. We get emotionally attached too easily.

With regards to friendship we can never be friends with them because as you so rightly say we want more than friendship. Our definition of friendship and a BPDs are two totally different things. To a BPD a friend is someone they know who doesn't hate them.

!

So true. My ex used to be obsessed if she suspected people didn't like her even if they were on the margins of her life. For instance, someone we both knew, who she met 2x, and found creepy, said something funny about her, not really insulting just describing something she did as her being too new yorky. This is someone who completely embraced her NY'ness and trashed pretty much every other state. So i told her, she was obsessed... what did he mean, why did he say that... I tried to come her down and say what do you care, you don't like him and you love your new yorkyness. Didn't matter, kept bringing it up and worrying about it.

[thereishope]

There could a million reasons why all of them selfish. The whys asked about a BPDs behaviour are cries in the wilderness. If you are trying to understand madness in the end you will understand it by becoming mad yourself. I had to stop ask whys about her and try to ask more hows, whens and whats about me i.e. how do I get out of this? What do I need? When can I start doing something positive for my life?

This site needs a like button. LMAO

love posts like this, and spot on. The more I ask why, the more I try and understand by reading/thinking/analyzing... the more unstable i become...

And need to accept that it just is and freaken forget about

DOUBLE LIKE! 

[fromheeltoheal]

The problem we all face here is that we care too much. We get emotionally attached too easily.

Humans are hardwired to care and become emotionally attached, in fact in the end it's all that matters.  The issue I faced, and I'm not alone here by any stretch, was hanging around long after it was clear my caring and healthy attachment was not, could not be reciprocated, and what I got instead was the complete opposite.  If I'd had my head on straight we never would have made it past the second date, but why did I keep chasing that fantasy, that addiction, in the face of crap?  Answering that question is the most important work I've done in the last year, and makes me grateful for the relationship.

[willtimeheal]

The problem we all face here is that we care too much. We get emotionally attached too easily.

Humans are hardwired to care and become emotionally attached, in fact in the end it's all that matters.  The issue I faced, and I'm not alone here by any stretch, was hanging around long after it was clear my caring and healthy attachment was not, could not be reciprocated, and what I got instead was the complete opposite.  If I'd had my head on straight we never would have made it past the second date, but why did I keep chasing that fantasy, that addiction, in the face of crap?  Answering that question is the most important work I've done in the last year, and makes me grateful for the relationship.

I chased the fantasy too. I chased it for six years. And I finally realized it was a fantasy and walked. But then I get a note like I miss you and it makes me think maybe it wasn't a fantasy... .those are the hardest times. Remembering  those moments it's all just a fantasy.

Yesterday she pissed me off again.  Now she is talking to my friends.  When we were together she put them all done now she is all buddy buddy with them. These people are crazy... .I am not going to bite. 

[willtimeheal]

Just a really hard day today. I hate working with her and having to see her  everyday. Most of the time I can handle it but today it was too much. I had to go to my office I was shaking. The hardest part is realizing that she doesn't even think or care about me and probably never did. That is what hurts the most. She doesn't go home and cry or miss me. It seems so inhuman to be that disconnected from people and the world. I will never understand it.

[fromheeltoheal]

Just a really hard day today. I hate working with her and having to see her  everyday. Most of the time I can handle it but today it was too much. I had to go to my office I was shaking.[/color]

i worked with my ex too, after we stopped seeing each other and she started seeing many other men.  Hell on earth for a while, I empathize, and the day she got fired was a godsend; the weight just lifted from my shoulders and work got very, very good.  So how far are you willing to go?  Problem solved if she were to get fired or leave, but how about you?  Would it help your situation to change jobs?  I know, there's a pride there, but our own sanity has to be the priority.

The hardest part is realizing that she doesn't even think or care about me and probably never did. That is what hurts the most. She doesn't go home and cry or miss me. It seems so inhuman to be that disconnected from people and the world. I will never understand it.

We were everything to our exes, absolutely everything, white knights in shining armor, until we were nothing, which has everything to do with the disorder and nothing to do with us.  And that disconnection is a highly refined tool; think about it: if you didn't have the skills to soothe, to temper, your emotions, so everything you felt was on full blast all the time, you would look for ways to not feel that since it's exhausting and painful.  Compartmentalizing, denying, cognitive distortion, dissociation, whatever it is and whatever it takes, the motivation is to avoid a pain that can't be dealt with any other way.  And of course us, caring about them, become distraught because not only can't we fix it, we get blamed as the cause.  Sucky place to be, but we can leave it, a borderline can't; best to wish them the best with their struggle and focus on ours.  Take care of you!

[willtimeheal]

So today I am just angry. I absolutely hate her but miss her at the same time. Crazy. She owes me some money and I haven't said anything about it. I feel like taking her to court and suing her for it. That would hit her where it hurts. She can't afford it. I am angry for feeling this way. But then i think she should be held accountable for something. Uggh. Just want her out of my head!

[fromheeltoheal]

So today I am just angry. I absolutely hate her but miss her at the same time. Crazy. She owes me some money and I haven't said anything about it. I feel like taking her to court and suing her for it. That would hit her where it hurts. She can't afford it. I am angry for feeling this way. But then i think she should be held accountable for something. Uggh. Just want her out of my head!

Anger is a good thing, just channel it in ways you won't regret later.  Moving forward, the anger will wane with time and another emotion might show up, a normal process of detachment, and in the process you will miss her less and less.  Hang in there, and take care of you!