boundary setting and where I'm at

[caughtnreleased]

I thought it might be good to do a bit of a summary of where I've come since I firmly set some boundaries, and what changes, if any I have observed since then. 

About a year ago, for the first time, when I visited my family in their town, I stayed elsewhere than the family home. It was a direct result to a family crisis where again someone (this time my sister) lashed out at me only because I asked for certain needs to be met.    Then at Christmas, I was back again, and again got picked on by my mother, and after telling her in no uncertain terms I wasn't going to take it anymore, I walked out of the house,  to be NC with her for the next four months and LC for the next four months.

What I find is rather interesting that has happened since then is that each member of my family has actually sought me out to spend one on one time with them.  First it was my dad, maybe he was trying to pull me back in, but we went on a weekend trip together.  He seemed rather moody during that trip, couldn't stop talking about my mother, and in general he was distant. But it was simply interesting to experience this with him.

A few months later, my sister seeks me out, wanting to book a trip with me because she wants to escape the hell of her own family.  I agreed.  At the last minute, she tried to bring her family along, and I firmly told her I wasn't going to go if they came (her family is chaos x 100 and I am not going to be a tag along babysitter).  So she dropped the idea of hubby and kids coming too, and we actually had a rather enjoyable trip, where finally after a few days, she was able to have a relaxing moment (I also sent some of the pictures of this trip to my mother).

Three months later, here we are.  My mother, for the first time addresses me directly in an email, and in her own rather limited way offers to spend a day with me (on her terms, in her time, etc, etc... but she did "offer" to spend the time with me).  Who knows what will happen, but I don't imagine a big breakthrough with her either... .probably something similar to what I experienced with my dad... .but at least, it's allowing me to see them for who they truly are and they me... .perhaps.

I must also say, that I have actually mentioned BPD and mental illness to all of them at different points and in different ways.  My sister, I told about my BPD ex... .and connected dots with my mother, which she agreed with. To my parents, I mentioned a "friend" who had BPD and I explained the symptoms and how it results from neglect,  after my mother complained of being neglected in her childhood. Her immediate reaction?  "Oh that's not me - my grandmother loved me very much".

Anyway... .maybe they still think I'm the weird-o in the family BUT it's harder to pick on someone when you are just one on one.   I also thought it would be useful to take stock of the various events that have happened.  My contact is quite a bit more limited with them, and I must say I'm enjoying it... .I am really no longer hoping that they will change and become the loving supportive family that I want, but at least I am perhaps seeing them more clearly for who they are, and they me... .? to me that is a positive step, I think... .

[jmanvo2015]

Hi Caughtnreleased,

Thank you for sharing about boundary setting.  I like that you know you can't change your family, but happy to have found a better way to manage your relationship. 

I'm also in a family dynamic where I get ganged up on by my BPD/NPD mom and my NPD stepdad.  I'm living with them right now for a variety of reasons and am strategizing ways to make it work. I have finally accepted that my parents will never meet my needs for intimacy, affection, unconditional love and acceptance.  They will always undermine my self-esteem. 

However, I'm here for my own reasons and I've also been setting boundaries.  One is to absolutely refuse to argue.  I'm using JADE.  Don't Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain.  I just let them rant.  "Oh, I'm so sorry.  I will fix that... .etc." 

Another boundary is my refusing to speak to them the way they speak to me.  Their tone is mean, critical and miserable.  But, no matter how awful, I reply with courtesy and respect.  I will not let their cruelty make me someone I'm not.  I'm kind and I'm good. 

Yesterday, my mother actually snapped at me for being nice.   "Well, you don't have to be so rude... .!"     She thought I was being sarcastic.  She was spewing hate and venom and when I replied with courtesy she got angrier.  I had a good laugh about that.    Why?  Because I can't win.  No matter what I do my mother will find something not to like or criticize. 

Now, I'm just hoping and praying for the best. My stepfather is 80.  Maybe God will bring him home soon.  He's a miserable person.  I'm trained in CPR/AED, but he's told me he wants a ":)NR"    So, the day he goes, if I'm home, I'm not moving a muscle.  This man has been so cruel to me.  The combination of the two of them - my BPD/NPD mom AND him ganging up on me is so hard.  It's hard to realize that the two most abusive people in your lives are the ones that were supposed to be your biggest champions. 

So, I'm inspired by your boundary setting.  Glad it's working out for you and will be doing more of it myself.  It's great to see that when you start respecting yourself, your family had no other option than to follow suit.   

[caughtnreleased]

Hi jmanvo2015,

glad you are finding that some of the techniques are working for you.  I found that I could not properly work on myself in their presence, and while going NC with my mother for a while was really difficult (it felt like I was rejecting them, leaving the family, unable to cope, etc... .) I now realize that this is a normal thing to do.  JADE is a really good tool - I had managed a lot of them, but sometimes I do get pushed to the edge, and... .I just let lose.  Sometimes it's better that way because at least i set boundaries.  The more and more I do it, the easier it gets... .I'm starting to do it in other places in my life as well while building my own autonomous life, which of course is slow and hard... .but I'm hopeful I will get to where I want to be. 

Personally,  don't know your circumstances, but it probably is best if you are not dependent on people who abuse you, so maybe that is a goal you might want to work towards while using the various tools that you are currently practicing?  I know I could never have gotten to where I am if I were living with my family.  The enmeshment, and poison would have just dragged me down, and made me incapable of having energy towards more positive endeavors. 

Best of luck to you.

[jmanvo2015]

Hi Caughtnrelease,

This is probably the best advice I've ever been given:

"... .but it probably is best if you are not dependent on people who abuse you... ."

I am just realizing now at 45 how true what you are saying is.  That is definitely my new goal.  I am doing everything possible to raise my own self esteem and combat my own BPD tendencies (impulsivness in work and finances) so that I can become a fully self-supporting and autonomous adult 

THank you for reaching out.