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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Feeling confused about my exBPDbf's manufactured reality  (Read 833 times)
Suspicious1
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: On/off at any point in the cycle of dating, living together, engaged and 'silent treatment'
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« on: September 15, 2014, 04:44:52 AM »

After about four recycles during an 18 month relationship, I finally walked away from my exBPDbf at the end of May. After calming down a bit, I did attempt to talk to him a couple of times but was always rejected. Meanwhile he was doing the push-pull thing on social media.

It seems as if he's manufactured this illusion that he's getting on with a wonderful new life, when in reality none of it is happening. He's told a mutual friend of mine that he has a new house, that he's moving to a different location, that he's looking for a new relationship. He's putting on his social media page that he's going to all these social events, and yet... .

Mutual friends say he never turns up to the events he says he's going to. He says he's going, arranges to meet them there, and never shows. I have to drive past his mum's house sometimes, which is where he was staying when we were together as he had no home of his own, and his car is permanently parked outside. That means he doesn't have this new house as he's claimed, and he's still not working. It's as if his life has stalled, and he's become quite reclusive, while telling my friends the opposite is happening.

I know we all like to put on a brave show of things when relationships end, but his show is quite a contrast to reality. I'd have thought he'd be out there now, making new connections like crazy. He seems to have shut himself off from the world.

This isn't usual BPD behaviour as far as I can tell. Does it sound familiar to anyone?
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Take2
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« Reply #1 on: September 15, 2014, 06:25:39 AM »

Actually my ex has always been pretty reclusive.  He has his own home but even before we got involved and he would talk to me as a friend as he dated his prior gf, I remember he always being home.  He didn't make up grandious (can't spell that word) stories about his life though.  He seemed to be quite the opposite and has 2 friends.  That's it.  He is very, very private about his life in general to others.  Manufactured reality?  Well, that part yes is no doubt true.  Who knows... .  Maybe he was always really going out when he claimed he was home being a recluse... .  my ex has changed so much over the past year, I have no idea what to believe anymore.  He lies about his lies!

That's not even a joke.   
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SpringInMyStep
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« Reply #2 on: September 15, 2014, 03:52:18 PM »

They are NEVER doing as well as they want us to think. Seriously. I admit to reading my uBPD soon-to-be-ex wife's online dating profile just to see what bs she's trying to sell this time. It's laughable and it actually helps me to stay mad. Mad in a good way.

We have to remember that we are just a blip in their lives... .the BPD will be with them always and just because we're not around, doesn't mean they're doing any better. They're still doing the same old things, same old patterns, always on the prowl for some new "meaningful" connection. My wife is very very highly sexualized and constantly seeks out new partners. The thing with her is that she calls them all "relationships" and says she doesn't like casual sex. But she falls in love with people on the 3rd date and calls it a relationship pretty much right away.

It's nothing to envy. We are all doing ok... .we are moving on and we will eventually stop wondering what they're doing.
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Suspicious1
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Relationship status: On/off at any point in the cycle of dating, living together, engaged and 'silent treatment'
Posts: 296



« Reply #3 on: September 16, 2014, 03:50:10 AM »

Excerpt
We have to remember that we are just a blip in their lives... .the BPD will be with them always and just because we're not around, doesn't mean they're doing any better.

It's amazing what an effect this realisation has had. Just by driving past his mum's house and seeing that he's still there has sparked this huge realisation in me. I'd secretly feared that what he said was true - I was the reason for his depression and his issues, and the fact that he couldn't pull himself out of the rut he was in. I part-believed that story he'd put out that he was living it up now, finally free and happy, making exciting new connections, moving on successfully with life.

But I've suddenly seen it's all BS. I've realised that far from being the cause of problems for him, I may have well been one of the only positives in his life. This is a big turning point for me. In a way I feel really sad for him, but... .I don't know. Odd feelings.
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Infern0
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« Reply #4 on: September 16, 2014, 03:57:39 AM »

I had no contact with mine for approx 2 months,  while she was off in dreamland and "doing great"

I reopened comms as I was painted white and felt the need to go in using S.E.T to smooth things over and guess what... .she's got the exact same issues and problems,  NOTHING has changed for her, NOTHING.  That 2 months was complete b.s

Don't pay any attention to it.
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Take2
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« Reply #5 on: September 16, 2014, 05:31:39 AM »

You know what is a difficult concept for me to let go of is thinking/hoping that my ex will somehow come to this same realization when he is apart from me.  That I really wasn't the reason for all his problems.  A hope that I guess keeps me stuck in pain even long after my r/s with him is over. 

Excerpt
We have to remember that we are just a blip in their lives... .the BPD will be with them always and just because we're not around, doesn't mean they're doing any better.

It's amazing what an effect this realisation has had. Just by driving past his mum's house and seeing that he's still there has sparked this huge realisation in me. I'd secretly feared that what he said was true - I was the reason for his depression and his issues, and the fact that he couldn't pull himself out of the rut he was in. I part-believed that story he'd put out that he was living it up now, finally free and happy, making exciting new connections, moving on successfully with life.

But I've suddenly seen it's all BS. I've realised that far from being the cause of problems for him, I may have well been one of the only positives in his life. This is a big turning point for me. In a way I feel really sad for him, but... .I don't know. Odd feelings.

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SpringInMyStep
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: divorcing
Posts: 213



« Reply #6 on: September 22, 2014, 10:05:38 AM »

It's amazing what an effect this realisation has had. Just by driving past his mum's house and seeing that he's still there has sparked this huge realisation in me. I'd secretly feared that what he said was true - I was the reason for his depression and his issues, and the fact that he couldn't pull himself out of the rut he was in. I part-believed that story he'd put out that he was living it up now, finally free and happy, making exciting new connections, moving on successfully with life.

But I've suddenly seen it's all BS. I've realised that far from being the cause of problems for him, I may have well been one of the only positives in his life. This is a big turning point for me. In a way I feel really sad for him, but... .I don't know. Odd feelings.

Exactly! And you're not alone... .I do the same thing... .try to figure out how she's doing so I can feel satisfied somehow that she's doing terribly without me. I guess in the long run it doesn't matter. What matters is how WE are doing. How WE are moving on with our lives and being happy. If we were so worried about them, we'd still be with them, wouldn't we?
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Bak86
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« Reply #7 on: September 22, 2014, 10:13:55 AM »

My exgf is a complete mess at the moment. I see her every day as i work with her at the same department. Doesn't seem to shower, doesn't put any makeup on, avoids people like the plague, seems to lose weight, looks like she's about to cry sometimes, argues with coworkers etc. etc. However, she always seems to put a fake smile on, her Facebook always shows cheery photo's of herself and she always tells stories to coworkers how amazing her life is right now. It's pretty funny and sad at the same time to watch.
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