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Author Topic: Questions for ourselves are you really ready?  (Read 3721 times)
hergestridge
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« Reply #30 on: September 21, 2014, 11:36:03 AM »

How did you feel after being intimate again a few months ago?

I know that could never happen with us, unless I was will to start the abuse all over again for myself! (Which I am not! ) I will never forget the excruciating pain that I felt after the pleasure. I will not allow that to happen again! It's way too high a price for myself.

We broke up in june and we made love just a few days prior to that. That's what I meant. I have not had sex with my xwife or anyone else after the breakup.

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Panda39
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« Reply #31 on: September 21, 2014, 11:41:03 AM »

Rifka,

This is a great thread.  I'm a non dating a non with an uBPDexw.  We first got together during his separation and even though he was very committed to leaving he was still in the FOG. 

It has been a journey of rediscovering that he was lovable, that he has his own power, that it's not "selfish" to care for yourself, doing what is best for the kids, understanding what BPD is and how it manifests itself in his ex, developing strategies on how to keep her interactions to a minimum (like email only communication), creating boundaries, recognizing when she is projecting her own behaviors and not getting defensive. 

4 years later he is free... .he is low contact with the ex because there are children involved but it really is minimal at this point.

With regard to "Hope" keep it for yourself and your future don't look back.

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Rifka
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« Reply #32 on: September 21, 2014, 12:34:51 PM »

Rifka,

This is a great thread.  I'm a non dating a non with an uBPDexw.  We first got together during his separation and even though he was very committed to leaving he was still in the FOG. 

It has been a journey of rediscovering that he was lovable, that he has his own power, that it's not "selfish" to care for yourself, doing what is best for the kids, understanding what BPD is and how it manifests itself in his ex, developing strategies on how to keep her interactions to a minimum (like email only communication), creating boundaries, recognizing when she is projecting her own behaviors and not getting defensive. 

4 years later he is free... .he is low contact with the ex because there are children involved but it really is minimal at this point.

With regard to "Hope" keep it for yourself and your future don't look back.

Thank you Panda!

Thanks for posting your success story! I can see how two nons with BPD exes could bond and work out great! Two caring loving people!

Glad to see that you two are proof of that!

It probably is quite bonding that you get each other and don't have to get frustrated because the other non knows what you're talking about and feeling.

A healing together process!

Maybe we need a non dating site! It's sounds funny, but I believe it could work if the people have no want to go back and have limited contact according to each individual's family situation.

Good luck to you both!

Rifka
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Lion Fire
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« Reply #33 on: September 21, 2014, 02:12:59 PM »

yes I'm ready!

I have blocked her. 90 days NC

I've blanked 8 varied attempts from her to reconnect

I've instructed mutual friends not to mention her to me and not to relay messages from her anymore

I see my part in the mess. This has helped me to move ahead.

I went to therapy for 10 weeks and continue to log a daily journal on my progress

I am in a healthy relationship now.One with intimacy, respect, kindness and reasonable expectations

I have moved 2 countries since we split (not running away, it's been family and work related)so there is distance.

All pics and messages are off my phone, laptop etc.

She still dwells in my head, I still think of her way to much but the pain gets less every day.

I'm proud of myself for walking away and staying away. It's been so hard at times but the most empowering process ever.

I have my self respect back  Smiling (click to insert in post)



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Rifka
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« Reply #34 on: September 21, 2014, 02:23:39 PM »

yes I'm ready!

I have blocked her. 90 days NC

I've blanked 8 varied attempts from her to reconnect

I've instructed mutual friends not to mention her to me and not to relay messages from her anymore

I see my part in the mess. This has helped me to move ahead.

I went to therapy for 10 weeks and continue to log a daily journal on my progress

I am in a healthy relationship now.One with intimacy, respect, kindness and reasonable expectations

I have moved 2 countries since we split (not running away, it's been family and work related)so there is distance.

All pics and messages are off my phone, laptop etc.

She still dwells in my head, I still think of her way to much but the pain gets less every day.

I'm proud of myself for walking away and staying away. It's been so hard at times but the most empowering process ever.

I have my self respect back  Smiling (click to insert in post)


Lion fire! High five my friend! Yes you got it back!

So happy to hear that!

You sound fantastic and like you are walking the walk!

You are empowering yourself everyday, not only to go forward with your past, but working on your future!

Everything that you are doing sounds so healthy!

Keep up the great work and enjoy your relationship with your s/o!

I LOVE GREAT, POSITIVE SUCCESS STORIES THAT SHOW US ALL THAT THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE AND THE OTHER SIDE OF THE BEAUTIFUL RAINBOW IF WE PUT THE WORK IN!

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kc sunshine
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« Reply #35 on: September 22, 2014, 08:35:09 AM »

Still ready over here!

Day 3 of the Rifka plan-- get rid of her emails in my inbox! My email account is with gmail not BPDmail!

Here I go!
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kc sunshine
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« Reply #36 on: September 22, 2014, 08:39:30 AM »

I did it! And without reading one of them before I deleted it! Bye bye BPD!
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Rifka
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« Reply #37 on: September 22, 2014, 08:48:51 AM »

Still ready over here!

Day 3 of the Rifka plan-- get rid of her emails in my inbox! My email account is with gmail not BPDmail!

Here I go!

KC,

I am so excited for you!  It really does work! It is so empowering! It charges you up and cleans up a possible mess of a back slide.

I'm glad that you have fouls the power and strength to do it!

You are stronger than you think!

Keep going KC!

These are proactive steps to cleaning your plate! To healing you, for you!

Rifka
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kc sunshine
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« Reply #38 on: September 22, 2014, 11:09:13 AM »

It really is amazing how hard it is to contemplate getting rid of stuff, but how fine it feels when you actually do it. I couldn't imagine getting rid of some of those emails (the poems, the love, the pictures), but now they are g.o.n.e. and I am okay. More than okay Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Rifka
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« Reply #39 on: September 23, 2014, 01:53:47 PM »

It really is amazing how hard it is to contemplate getting rid of stuff, but how fine it feels when you actually do it. I couldn't imagine getting rid of some of those emails (the poems, the love, the pictures), but now they are g.o.n.e. and I am okay. More than okay Smiling (click to insert in post)


It was hard for me too, but harder to stay attached and have excuses that kept me yearning.

High five KC! 

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kc sunshine
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« Reply #40 on: September 23, 2014, 02:52:23 PM »

Still ready! Day 4 of the Rifka plan: out to the trash go the sweet love cards (trash pickup is tomorrow!)
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Rifka
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« Reply #41 on: September 23, 2014, 11:52:39 PM »

Still ready! Day 4 of the Rifka plan: out to the trash go the sweet love cards (trash pickup is tomorrow!)

You really are doing great KC and moving forward!

How do you feel after each move and step forward?

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kc sunshine
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« Reply #42 on: September 24, 2014, 06:47:11 AM »

Day 5 of Rifka plan: get rid of traces of her on my computer (pictures, saved early text messages, etc). Things are feeling rough today but I'm trusting in the process, and trying to move forward.
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tim_tom
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« Reply #43 on: September 24, 2014, 06:55:34 AM »

Day 5 of Rifka plan: get rid of traces of her on my computer (pictures, saved early text messages, etc). Things are feeling rough today but I'm trusting in the process, and trying to move forward.

Congrats man. How long post BU.

I can not bring myself to do this yet. I still love her and as long as I do, I think it will hurt me more to get rid of it all. I understand the intention, that by keeping it, it means I am holding up hope that I will open the door one day and she will be there telling me how I am the only one for her and she wants to get emotionally healthier. I know it's a pipe dream, but it's one I'm just not ready to let of yet.
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Rifka
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« Reply #44 on: September 24, 2014, 10:24:56 AM »

Day 5 of Rifka plan: get rid of traces of her on my computer (pictures, saved early text messages, etc). Things are feeling rough today but I'm trusting in the process, and trying to move forward.

Congrats man. How long post BU.

I can not bring myself to do this yet. I still love her and as long as I do, I think it will hurt me more to get rid of it all. I understand the intention, that by keeping it, it means I am holding up hope that I will open the door one day and she will be there telling me how I am the only one for her and she wants to get emotionally healthier. I know it's a pipe dream, but it's one I'm just not ready to let of yet.

How long do you want the pain to continue?

How long do you want to love somebody who can never love you the same or close?

How long do you want to be used for what she wants to take from you? Your money, your heart, your soul?

Only to chew you up, spit you out and screw the next guy?

You are on a long list of leftovers, you are not the first, last or anywhere near the middle!

She will not be healed, fixed, or run to you with open arms or anything real to ever offer you!

It's only a fantasy that we dream of, but it is not real!

We have to stop thinking rationally about them, like we think of healthy people in healthy relationship, this is a mentally ill person with a serious personality disorder.

Why would you sign up for staying with this if there are no real attachment ( children together)

Honestly I would even leave if I had children and rather have them live in a room with nothing than to mess up their future accepting this behavior and screwing up their heads as well for their lives.

This is a mental disease that they leach on and suck you dry and then move to the next host.

They will not care unless you have more blood to give them, that is their love, then they will leave you again when they have sucked you dry again.

I THINK KC IS CORRECT IN THINKING WE NEED TO TAKE THE BPD OUT OF OUR LIVES, SO THAT MAKES IT EASIER TO DETACH MENTALLY!

DETACHING FROM THE HUMAN IS DIFFICULT, DETACHING FROM THE DISORDER IS MUCH EASIER!

THROWING STUFF AWAY IS DONE WHEN ITS DONE, THERE IS NO TURNING BACK! I HAVE NOT REGRETED GETTING RID OF EVERYTHING FOR ONE SECOND! I GOT MY POWER BACK DURING THE PROCESS. EVERY DAY I DUMPED AND DELETED SOMETHING ELSE UNTIL THERE WAS NOTHING LEFT EXCEPT IN MY MIND!

FOR MY MIND, I STOPPED THE GOOD THOUGHTS THE MINUTE THEY CAME AND FOCUSED ONLY THE BAD, THE PAIN, THE LIES, THE DECEPTION, THE ABUSE!

Rifka

Why would we want to live in a fantasy anymore when we know the truth and the reality!

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kc sunshine
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« Reply #45 on: September 24, 2014, 10:56:15 AM »

you are amazing Rifka, thank you!
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Rifka
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« Reply #46 on: September 25, 2014, 12:02:00 AM »

you are amazing Rifka, thank you!

Thanks KC!
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kc sunshine
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« Reply #47 on: September 25, 2014, 07:31:40 PM »

Hey timtom-- about 2 months BU, but 6 days NC (longest ever). How about you? It's hard to think of getting rid of, but actually getting rid of it is not too bad. I don't really think I could have gotten rid of anything until last week though (when I hit my own personal LC rock bottom). Today on my Rifka plan: I brought back the last of her stuff at her house, and resisted even peaking in the doorway (last time I looked, there were two wine glasses on her table OUCH-- I won't be looking again!)

Wow, and I'm running out of stuff to get rid of. Coming to the final days of it.

Congrats man. How long post BU.

I can not bring myself to do this yet. I still love her and as long as I do, I think it will hurt me more to get rid of it all. I understand the intention, that by keeping it, it means I am holding up hope that I will open the door one day and she will be there telling me how I am the only one for her and she wants to get emotionally healthier. I know it's a pipe dream, but it's one I'm just not ready to let of yet.

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Joseph54
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« Reply #48 on: September 25, 2014, 08:21:00 PM »

Good post. it is not necessary to understand them. It is necessary to understand why we put up with abuse. I do not want it any longer. I want to be treated with respect.

Joe Smiling (click to insert in post)
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tim_tom
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« Reply #49 on: September 25, 2014, 09:28:26 PM »

Hey timtom-- about 2 months BU, but 6 days NC (longest ever). How about you? It's hard to think of getting rid of, but actually getting rid of it is not too bad. I don't really think I could have gotten rid of anything until last week though (when I hit my own personal LC rock bottom). Today on my Rifka plan: I brought back the last of her stuff at her house, and resisted even peaking in the doorway (last time I looked, there were two wine glasses on her table OUCH-- I won't be looking again!)

Wow, and I'm running out of stuff to get rid of. Coming to the final days of it.

6 weeks post BU, we've gone as long as 16 days NC due to me ignoring her contact attempts, and just broke 7 days today.

I am not sure why I am not ready to chuck stuff. Maybe I am still clinging to hope, or maybe I am hoping that someday,in the not to distant future, I'll be able to look back at this experience, not with anger or with regret, but maybe with a hint of appreciation for intense emotional ride of highs and lows that it was.  I know for a good portion of this relationship, I was happier and more fulfilled then I ever had been in my life. Maybe i can learn to focus my thoughts there, accept the bad,  and accept that the bad was caused by an illness. If so, I might regret discarding these things.

Food for thought, if she had a heart attack and dropped dead instead of leaving to be with someone else would I be tossing her stuff? If her leaving was caused by heart disease instead of a personality disease, is it really that different?

I don't know. I am really hoping to truly accept what has happened, my role in it and that it could only end the way it did. It was transient, like life, but on a smaller scale.
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Blimblam
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« Reply #50 on: September 25, 2014, 09:32:17 PM »

Good post. it is not necessary to understand them. It is necessary to understand why we put up with abuse. I do not want it any longer. I want to be treated with respect.

Joe Smiling (click to insert in post)

Good for you man!

It took me a long time to get to this point of just accepting that there is no possible outcome with my ex that doesn't result in me getting abused.  The conditioning to never abandon her is always triggered though.  Realizing that she's in my heart and I'm not abandoning my heart for the disorder is sort of where I'm taking this.  The disorder won't allow me access to that part of her anymore that's just how it is.
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Rifka
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« Reply #51 on: September 25, 2014, 10:42:24 PM »

Hey timtom-- about 2 months BU, but 6 days NC (longest ever). How about you? It's hard to think of getting rid of, but actually getting rid of it is not too bad. I don't really think I could have gotten rid of anything until last week though (when I hit my own personal LC rock bottom). Today on my Rifka plan: I brought back the last of her stuff at her house, and resisted even peaking in the doorway (last time I looked, there were two wine glasses on her table OUCH-- I won't be looking again!)

Wow, and I'm running out of stuff to get rid of. Coming to the final days of it.

6 weeks post BU, we've gone as long as 16 days NC due to me ignoring her contact attempts, and just broke 7 days today.

I am not sure why I am not ready to chuck stuff. Maybe I am still clinging to hope, or maybe I am hoping that someday,in the not to distant future, I'll be able to look back at this experience, not with anger or with regret, but maybe with a hint of appreciation for intense emotional ride of highs and lows that it was.  I know for a good portion of this relationship, I was happier and more fulfilled then I ever had been in my life. Maybe i can learn to focus my thoughts there, accept the bad,  and accept that the bad was caused by an illness. If so, I might regret discarding these things.

Food for thought, if she had a heart attack and dropped dead instead of leaving to be with someone else would I be tossing her stuff? If her leaving was caused by heart disease instead of a personality disease, is it really that different?

I don't know. I am really hoping to truly accept what has happened, my role in it and that it could only end the way it did. It was transient, like life, but on a smaller scale.

Tim Tom,

Somebody who has heart disease or a heart attack does not usually turn vicious, fall into bed with others, or talk disrespectfully to you when they are your partner.

Just saying that's not the same and of course you would keep things.

Physically unhealthy and mentally unhealthy are very different things.


If you feel the need to keep things, then you should. If you are never ready, then so be it.

If you really want to heal and move forward and stop breaking contact, you will do whatever works for you when it's that time. Everybody has their own time when they break, hit the wall, hit the floor and decide it's really time to fix themselves, move on and get healthy again.

Rifka
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kc sunshine
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« Reply #52 on: September 26, 2014, 06:16:33 PM »

Rifka plan day 7! I'm scraping the bottom of the relationship memorabilia barrel here though  . Today: out to the trash goes some things we bought together.

The one thing I haven't been able to contemplate doing is to block her (I erased her contact info on my phone though). I'm still checking my phone a lot, each time hoping that there would be a message there from her so the phone is definitely a problem. Maybe I'll try blocking her for tomorrow and see if I do better on that front.

Sending love and support out to everyone on this Friday night! The weekend looms large & kind of lonely in front of me, but I'm gonna think of it as a BPD-free weekend.  
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« Reply #53 on: September 26, 2014, 08:33:08 PM »

Tim Tom,

Somebody who has heart disease or a heart attack does not usually turn vicious, fall into bed with others, or talk disrespectfully to you when they are your partner.

Just saying that's not the same and of course you would keep things.

Physically unhealthy and mentally unhealthy are very different things.

Different in a behavioral sense sure, but I am talking about causation. The person with a congenital heart problem is no more responsible for dropping dead then the BPD is for relationship destroying behavior. They are wired for it.

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kc sunshine
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« Reply #54 on: September 27, 2014, 11:59:18 AM »

Okay gang, day 8 of the Rifka plan and the biggest thing yet: blocking her on my phone. This one I tough but I'm gonna experiment and see how I feel.
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Rifka
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« Reply #55 on: September 27, 2014, 12:18:31 PM »

Okay gang, day 8 of the Rifka plan and the biggest thing yet: blocking her on my phone. This one I tough but I'm gonna experiment and see how I feel.

KC a block can be unblocked if needed.

Only do what won't stress you out!

Somebody had said that they just changed the ringtone so if a text or call came through they would know that was them. It was different from the others.

This way you possibly would not keep checking and upsetting yourself.

If you can block peacefully, then go for it, if not don't!


Rifka
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Rifka
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« Reply #56 on: September 27, 2014, 12:41:40 PM »

Tim Tom,

Somebody who has heart disease or a heart attack does not usually turn vicious, fall into bed with others, or talk disrespectfully to you when they are your partner.

Just saying that's not the same and of course you would keep things.

Physically unhealthy and mentally unhealthy are very different things.

Different in a behavioral sense sure, but I am talking about causation. The person with a congenital heart problem is no more responsible for dropping dead then the BPD is for relationship destroying behavior. They are wired for it.


Tim Tom,

I guess it's what we are willing to accept. If mine died, which I would never wish on him ( I wish him health and happiness) because we all deserve peace, it would feel pity for his health issues that were affecting him.

BPD made him an abusive man, he mentally, physically, and sexually tortures every woman that he becomes intimate with. He is aware of what he does, but chooses to do it anyway and then moves to the next victim. Yes I know he is searching for the love that can never be, but there are many damaged people that have been thrown under the bus and left there to die, when all they did was love him.

I am in no means mad or angry at him, all I feel is pity for this life he will endure without a healthy two sided relationship.

I never want him back, or to contact me or to think there is a possibility to be friends, WE CANT be friends!

I decided to move forward from the day I arrived here, full of pain, confusion and questions, but never once did I want to recycle because it was done! I had enough! I didn't know who I was anymore, I was screwing up at work, neglecting my friends, my children, my responsibilities, basically everything to try to make him happy.

Like somebody said on another post, Trying to fit a square peg onto a hole slot. It's impossible!

We all have to do whatever we have to do to survive, to move on or not is a choice (Our choice alone) do we want to take control of that responsibility, some do, some don't some can, some can't. We are all different and moving at our own paces or not at all.

Peacefulness feels wonderful!

Whatever he is doing, whoever he is with, or is not with is not my concern.

He is not allowed to call, text, contact, drive by, be in my space those are my boundaries that I placed in front of him, with the warning of an op.

His stuff, our stuff, gifts, his phone number, his email, his Facebook acct are not anything that I want taking anymore time or space in my life, that's me! It over by me!

That is how I move on, not saying it is good for everybody, just me.

I killed the beast before the beast killed me!

Rifka

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