Do you feel less emotionally available now?

[Springle]

Hi everyone, I have yet another question.

Did anyone find after their relationship/run in with a pwBPD that they were considerably less emotionally available? Perhaps a bit of a commitaphobe?

I have found it really hard to be truly open to the even the idea of a new relationship after my break up over a year ago and incidents with a pwBPD. I was actually asked out a few days ago by a guy I have been chatting to for a while, we'd been getting along really well but it was sort of out of blue and I completely froze up. I just can't picture being with anyone long term anymore, I feel like anyone else now is just filling time. I pick flaws in people, make really small molehills into mountains to justify break ups/not seeing someone anymore. I am pretty terrified of solidifying any kind of relationships as more than just 'seeing' someone.

On the other hand though I have became perhaps a little egotistical. I make friends with guys really easy, never used to bother me, I can be quite masculine. But now any guy I talk to I slowly but surely get weirded out by, thinking they fancy me, and then getting really worried I am leading them on by simply talking/chatting to them. I worry I'm coming off as a tease, a seducer, a snake and then they will perceive me as 'turning' when I turn down an offer or get offended by any forward comments they may make as I 'started it'. I just feel like I am walking on eggshells with all new relationships/friendships in my life.

I am so wary of people and cautious about allowing them into my lives, likewise I am really worried about how I am perceived and if I'll hurt someone. I suppose I just feel very very very vulnerable ever since I became single again.

[Xstaticaddict]

I was actually asked out a few days ago by a guy I have been chatting to for a while, we'd been getting along really well but it was sort of out of blue and I completely froze up. I just can't picture being with anyone long term anymore, I feel like anyone else now is just filling time.

I'm noticing many on this forum seem to be a little long term relationship obsessed. Why jump from a guy asking you out to being in a long term relationship? Is there any room in your world to date casually? There's a whole catch and release process to dating that can be pretty fun and empowering.

If you really feel like spending time with someone that wants to spend time with you is just filling time, then maybe you just don't want to date at all right now.

We've had super intimate and toxic relationships with people and called it love. The process of learning about a person slowly and without all in commitment will probably seem bland and/or unnatural but it's way more likely to become something worth investing in. I've found that 9 months out of my BPD relationship i'm way more cautious about caving to my desire to attach or idealize a person based on their good points.

I actually had a super cool experience the other night where i got to set a really harsh feeling boundary with a girl that i am dating that has been pressuring me to rush into a relationship and was expecting me to just be enthralled with her because she wanted that fantasy.

It was interesting because i got to see the difference between my approach now vs when i met my ex 6 years ago. I bought in to our connection (and her attention) right away then, and didn't take my time to address my reservations, but now connections don't have that delusional velocity, but it's really ok to let things happen at a slower pace for me. Like me, you may just be in the process of setting higher standards for yourself in the future and now just need to figure out how to communicate your boundaries once you figure out what they are.

For instance if you're surrounding yourself with guys that want to date you, you should probably be really clear with yourself and them about where you're at and what your connection with them is all about.

Also if you worry about how you're coming off to these people, ask them if they feel that way. Could lead to a lot of clarity for all involved. 

Dating is weird and time consuming and interesting and disappointing and sometimes sexy and exciting. I'm 37 and this is the first time i've really embraced the idea of dating just for fun, which is what it should be anyway right? I don't need to find "the one", especially since i'm finally realizing i'm not totally sure what i'm all about and what i have to offer someone else.

Don't know if any of that was useful to you, but thank you for your question. It was something that helped put a few things into perspective for me.

[tim_tom]

I have been thinking on this a lot. Part of me feels like in order to get over this, I am going to need to kill the part of me that was susceptible to it... I do not know your story, but assuming it's similar to others and intense in terms quickness and strength of the words used/commitment made, I can see why you lock down.

if someone left me so easily that was professing loving me forever nearly every day, if they treated me so poorly despite giving every indication of me being thier world and wanting to be with me every second of every day. What will the person do who is almost certainly going to be less in love with me then every ounce of my being thought my BPD was

[myself]

Hi, yes, I feel like this. Here's an example. Someone I'm interested in has flirtingly invited me to her house "anytime", but I've been holding myself back. I know I'd be open with her, the more we got to know each other, but feeling comfortable taking that chance again... .I'm still warming to it. Wanting to be more sure. We'll see. Getting over feeling committed to promises I'd made with my ex is part of it. Still letting go of some of those.

"I don't want to say too much. To expect too much. To think we're closer than we really are." Second guessing myself before much of anything has even happened. Yet we might not be as close because I'm not extending myself as much as could be. Remnants of what happened last time I did (the ex).

It comes down to honesty and trust, and honestly, I'm not sure how much I trust either of those anymore. Having just been in a r/s where I was caught up in a game of constantly proving myself to the other person, the irony is, whoever is in my life now, especially new people, they're having to prove themselves to me more than they would have had to in the past. A welcome sign of growth within these boundaries, but also frustrating because not as many people step up for that as would be appreciated. Needing to keep the focus on my own steps, finding they're more hesitant than they used to be.

[Mr Hollande]

I wanted to meet someone who would be my return to love and a normal (whatever that means) relationship when having stayed single for nearly ten years after my first BPD girlfriend. Someone who'd help me finally overcome the pain and put a final nail in the coffin of that nasty experience. For a while it seemed like it was happening. Then the BPD rollercoaster started and 5 years later I was thrown off for the last time.

So here I am, 14 years passed since I walked from the warzone that was my first BPD relationship, shell shocked by the experiences from another warzone that was my second BPD relationship. I am now in my 40's. The last relationship was supposed to have been forever or at least not like the first one. While it wasn't exactly like that it was of course close enough. My existence now is joyless. I go through the motions because I can't allow myself give up on myself but the joy is gone from my life.

The first time around I was late 20's and late 20's is easy. I chased women everywhere and had zero interest in staying with any of them. I had a great time but that was then. I am older now. I am different now. I want someone to share my life with but I have no idea what that looks like. I have no concept of that anymore. Dating is fine but somewhere the date will have an anticipation (why else would anyone do it?) but do I have the right to use someone's time and feelings when or if I have no intention or ability to reciprocate their needs and desires? I have wasted so much of my time and I have no idea what I have left to give anymore. I want to be with someone but how? I really have no idea.

[freedom33]

do I have the right to use someone's time and feelings when or if I have no intention or ability to reciprocate their needs and desires?

There was a woman that I saw casually a couple times in between one of our NC break-ups with my xBPDgf. It was fun but I was thinking the same as you and I stopped seeing her. I explained to her that I was not emotionally available. She said she wasn't either and that in her mind there wasn't anything wrong with two people having a bit of fun while being in a transition period. This seems healthy to me now.

I ask my self now 'what right do I have again to think about and manage someone else's time?' They are grown ups and they can take full responsibility of their actions. If they sense that I am not emotionally available and they don't like it they can walk away. I started realising that I am not here to father any woman and second guess their needs. That's what got me hooked to my xBPDgf in the first place. Second guessing her needs to the point of madness. I am done.

[Mr Hollande]

All good points F33. Thank you!

[Flora73]

Springle,

Absolutely, I can't imagine a long term relationship with anyone.

Im on then constant look out for    and really its a shame.

Is as if I have a new filter installed that is stopping me from even thinking about committing to a new relationship. I'm almost phobic to the idea.

Have a dinner tonight with a beautiful woman, but when I last was with her I had to usher her out of the house as I was overwhelmed by a sense of letting someone to close.

Ive only been out of my exBPDgf relationship 3 months and can't really se it changing.

Maybe its a new way of life and looking at things, they say personal growth comes from a BPD relationship.

Just maybe we all need more time to adjust 

[Chasing_Ghosts]

I personally think that as long as im comparing other women to my ex that im nowhere near ready to consider even the thought of dating. Ill find im only checking out girls that look like my ex which is extremely unhealthy. But i cant help it... its like she set the standard for my attraction through all the mind games and manipulations warping it to encompass all that is her and her only. Its going to be a while...

[blissful_camper]

Yes.  After the r/s, I was really closed down to sharing my feelings with anyone outside of a few close friends and family.  I still need time to myself to heal and feel like I can be emotionally available to a prospective partner.  I'm just not there yet. 

Recently, I've begun noticing men who I find attractive.  That's a start.  However, I'm not ready to date, not even close.  I'm okay with that.  I'm enjoying not being in an r/s.  I'm 14 months out of the r/s, I'm 48-years-old, and I sometimes wonder if I'll meet anyone.  It used to worry me.  Not anymore.  If I meet the right person, terrific.  If not, I'd rather be alone. 

[Xstaticaddict]

do I have the right to use someone's time and feelings when or if I have no intention or ability to reciprocate their needs and desires?

I ask my self now 'what right do I have again to think about and manage someone else's time?' They are grown ups and they can take full responsibility of their actions. If they sense that I am not emotionally available and they don't like it they can walk away. I started realising that I am not here to father any woman and second guess their needs. That's what got me hooked to my xBPDgf in the first place. Second guessing her needs to the point of madness. I am done.

Totally agree with this. I've heard often these days that you can't be a woman's lover and her therapist, you have to pick one. One is way more fun anyway, but puts a lot more of the burden of being awesome on you, which may be what we're running from trying to "Fix" them.

[Suspicious1]

Quote from: freedom33 on Today at 02:56:47 AM

Quote from: Mr Hollande on Today at 02:28:02 AM

do I have the right to use someone's time and feelings when or if I have no intention or ability to reciprocate their needs and desires?


I ask my self now 'what right do I have again to think about and manage someone else's time?' They are grown ups and they can take full responsibility of their actions. If they sense that I am not emotionally available and they don't like it they can walk away. I started realising that I am not here to father any woman and second guess their needs. That's what got me hooked to my xBPDgf in the first place. Second guessing her needs to the point of madness. I am done.

Totally agree with this. I've heard often these days that you can't be a woman's lover and her therapist, you have to pick one. One is way more fun anyway, but puts a lot more of the burden of being awesome on you, which may be what we're running from trying to "Fix" them.

I totally agree too. I'm still healing but I've dated here and there. Up till now it's cause me anxiety and none of the dates have ever gone further than a coffee, but just the experience of going out and making the decision who and who not to have in my life has been valuable. I'm slowly learning to implement boundaries.

I've just recently met a guy who Ive been out with THREE times now so this is getting serious! (Lol). I Have no idea if it'll be long term or not but to my way of thinkign no one knows if something is going to be long term until it becomes long term.

As for other people I've stopped worrying or second guessing how they might feel or think. My new motto is "other people's feelings are not my responsibly". Actually it's ok to flirt a little but change my mind. Flirting is not a commitment. That said I wouldn't knowingly lead someone on and I don't make false promises. What others make of that is up to them.

So these days I'm just taking it mega slow, one day at a time. If I think about commitment I seize up so I'll just keep dating and if days turn in to months turn in to years, so be it.

[Mr Hollande]

The first date I went on after my BPD r/s crashed was great. I sat in an Italian restaraunt with an elegantly dressed woman who was not crazy and had control over her life. She had a good job and invested in property on the side. Same thing I want to do. I also realised that she had picked the restaurant for being safe for her. Imagine that? A female who can look after herself. I found it extremely attractive. That side of the date was great. I also realised how soon I'd put myself out there and how what she was looking for wasn't anything I could provide just yet. I was not going to play games with her so I never saw her again. It's a shame because she was great and I was very turned on by her.

[Springle]

The first date I went on after my BPD r/s crashed was great. I sat in an Italian restaraunt with an elegantly dressed woman who was not crazy and had control over her life. She had a good job and invested in property on the side. Same thing I want to do. I also realised that she had picked the restaurant for being safe for her. Imagine that? A female who can look after herself. I found it extremely attractive. That side of the date was great. I also realised how soon I'd put myself out there and how what she was looking for wasn't anything I could provide just yet. I was not going to play games with her so I never saw her again. It's a shame because she was great and I was very turned on by her.

This is interesting, I have been on two dates with a guy I really did like and was very attracted to. Sadly he was going through a job change and it was all a bit hectic for him, he eventually was honest with me and told me he had decided it wasn't the right time to meet new people because his work life balance was currently to chaotic. I was really gutted as we were getting on like a house on fire  and he had made me start to forget my ex which made me feel really good.

I try my hardest to take it as a sign that there is another guy/s out there for me somewhere though.

[tim_tom]

What i find sad... .Is that the non's are supposed to be the healthier people, emotionally. But all I read are stories like this, we don't trust people again, have a hard time entering new relationships. Meanwhile, our ex's with BPD have no problem jumping into a new relationship. Like they aren't fazed at all.

I feel like the unbalanced one, and her the healthy one.

Even on the topic of strength, when we were together, she couldn't handle the slightest bit of stress or disappointment... over anything. I was always the rock that made her feel better. Now, I am a weak mess, and she is out there living her life while I sit home, unable to even go out without falling apart.

Feels like I am the weak one, and her the strong one. How'd that change so suddenly? How'd she move forward so easily while I am stuck in a ditch too deep to climb out of, and too confined to move forward or back? Why am I so weak right now!

[Mr Hollande]

What i find sad... .Is that the non's are supposed to be the healthier people, emotionally. But all I read are stories like this, we don't trust people again, have a hard time entering new relationships. Meanwhile, our ex's with BPD have no problem jumping into a new relationship. Like they aren't fazed at all.

I feel like the unbalanced one, and her the healthy one.

Even on the topic of strength, when we were together, she couldn't handle the slightest bit of stress or disappointment... over anything. I was always the rock that made her feel better. Now, I am a weak mess, and she is out there living her life while I sit home, unable to even go out without falling apart.

Feels like I am the weak one, and her the strong one. How'd that change so suddenly? How'd she move forward so easily while I am stuck in a ditch too deep to climb out of, and too confined to move forward or back? Why am I so weak right now!

The reason for that is that you are in touch with your feelings enough to realise that you are hurt and need to heal before you involve yourself with another human being as opposed to your ex who has compartmentalised her feelings enough to think nothing of inflicting her illness onto the next unassuming victim.

Your ex's new relationship is no more healthy than the one she had with you. It's the same old sh#t with a different man. She'll crash again. And again, and again... .

With that in mind you aren't doing badly at all.

[tim_tom]

The reason for that is that you are in touch with your feelings enough to realise that you are hurt and need to heal before you involve yourself with another human being as opposed to your ex who has compartmentalised her feelings enough to think nothing of inflicting her illness onto the next unassuming victim.

Your ex's new relationship is no more healthy than the one she had with you. It's the same old sh#t with a different man. She'll crash again. And again, and again... .

With that in mind you aren't doing badly at all.

If i had given in to her demands I would be married today, maybe the next guy will? I saw a future with her that was unhappy, so I dragged my feet until she bailed. Maybe the commitment of marriage will settle her down I often wonder, or at least prevent her from up and leaving so quickly and forcing her to work on her. When I brought up therapy, she got so angry "I AM NOT CRAZY". Maybe the prospect of divorce will force her into some self realization.

Maybe it's wrong of me, but I hope what you say is true. I really hope that 7-8 years from now I hear that she is still single and still unhappy. I don't want her to be happy after all the devastation she created here. I know I am culpable in it as well, but i also know she preyed on my weakness like a lioness does to a wounded water buffalo. I hope the universe repays her.

I don't think I'll ever get over that, she hurt me, she hurt my children. Left so coldly and with 0 willingness to work on it. With kids involved, you'd think she'd at least try. I wish nothing but sadness for her.

[Mr Hollande]

Maybe it's wrong of me, but I hope what you say is true. I really hope that 7-8 years from now I hear that she is still single and still unhappy. I don't want her to be happy after all the devastation she created here. I know I am culpable in it as well, but i also know she preyed on my weakness like a lioness does to a wounded water buffalo. I hope the universe repays her.

I feel the same way about mine. I wouldn't bank on yours being single at any given time but the unhappiness has been burned into her flesh and she will never be free from it. Be absolutely assured of that.

[tim_tom]

I feel the same way about mine. I wouldn't bank on yours being single at any given time but the unhappiness has been burned into her flesh and she will never be free from it. Be absolutely assured of that.

The ability to compartmentalize is what is making this unbearable for me. I just don't get it, the words she said, the way she behaved, on my case to buy a big home and marry her, planning our wedding... And then I am just instantly nothing to her, not even worthy of the slightest bit of warmth, like all the things she said, promises she made never happened

[Mr Hollande]

I feel the same way about mine. I wouldn't bank on yours being single at any given time but the unhappiness has been burned into her flesh and she will never be free from it. Be absolutely assured of that.

The ability to compartmentalize is what is making this unbearable for me. I just don't get it, the words she said, the way she behaved, on my case to buy a big home and marry her, planning our wedding... And then I am just instantly nothing to her, not even worthy of the slightest bit of warmth, like all the things she said, promises she made never happened

Probably because it was a game to her the way children play family in a tree house. Maybe the seriousness of the game eventually dawned on her and lacking the tools to deal with it as a grown up she bailed. Put yourself in her shoes. Impossible because you are not crazy but imagine this anyway. How would you deal with the knowledge that you had betrayed someone's trust in such an appalling way? Could you live with the shame of that for the rest of your life or would you put it under lock and key in a box deep into the murky ground never to be unearthed again? Maybe that is what they have to do to maintain some warped form of sanity because if they came face to face with the fall out of their destructive actions they would not be able to live with themselves.

[tim_tom]

Probably because it was a game to her the way children play family in a tree house. Maybe the seriousness of the game eventually dawned on her and lacking the tools to deal with it as a grown up she bailed. Put yourself in her shoes. Impossible because you are not crazy but imagine this anyway. How would you deal with the knowledge that you had betrayed someone's trust in such an appalling way? Could you live with the shame of that for the rest of your life or would you put it under lock and key in a box deep into the murky ground never to be unearthed again? Maybe that is what they have to do to maintain some warped form of sanity because if they came face to face with the fall out of their destructive actions they would not be able to live with themselves.

Yep. The day she left me she was emotionless and cold. She started to pack, and I went downstairs, unable to watch. I hear it get quiet for a bit, so I go up there and she is sobbing uncontrollably. Finally! Some emotion. Turns out she was crying because she felt like a bad person, that she did the same thing to her last boyfriend and felt bad about hurting both of us. The only tears or emotion I got was completely self centered, and included her last BF. Wonderful

I know that she doesn't want to hear or know about the devastation she left in her wake, I get it, but I don't understand how that would stop her from feeling any warmth for me or warm feelings toward the intense relationship we had. How can I suddenly be looked at and treated like a minor acquaintance from her past. How does a human stop loving another so quickly and completely absent any abuse.

[Mr Hollande]

She's an emotional retard. What remorse she showed you is probably the best she can give. More than that is like asking a paraplegic to get up and walk around the block.

My ex left me for a drug dealer. He's an orphan who suffered plenty of abuse in various foster homes. And there she is with her BPD, messed up son and her crippling debts. Quite a pair, eh? I sometimes imagine both of them in wheelchairs with a mountain in front of them and neither is capable of getting up to push the other.

[Rifka]

What i find sad... .Is that the non's are supposed to be the healthier people, emotionally. But all I read are stories like this, we don't trust people again, have a hard time entering new relationships. Meanwhile, our ex's with BPD have no problem jumping into a new relationship. Like they aren't fazed at all.

I feel like the unbalanced one, and her the healthy one.

Even on the topic of strength, when we were together, she couldn't handle the slightest bit of stress or disappointment... over anything. I was always the rock that made her feel better. Now, I am a weak mess, and she is out there living her life while I sit home, unable to even go out without falling apart.

Feels like I am the weak one, and her the strong one. How'd that change so suddenly? How'd she move forward so easily while I am stuck in a ditch too deep to climb out of, and too confined to move forward or back? Why am I so weak right now!

The reason for that is that you are in touch with your feelings enough to realise that you are hurt and need to heal before you involve yourself with another human being as opposed to your ex who has compartmentalised her feelings enough to think nothing of inflicting her illness onto the next unassuming victim.

Your ex's new relationship is no more healthy than the one she had with you. It's the same old sh#t with a different man. She'll crash again. And again, and again... .

With that in mind you aren't doing badly at all.

Mr Hollande,

I totally agree with what you stated, I feel it's normal healthy moving forward thinking to be guarded and accept that it may be too soon.

It will happen! I felt that way the first month after the break up, now everyday feels a little different.

I have a great time, socialize, let the guys know where I stand on me, not them.

Many saw me and my ex together constantly because I run social groups and he was always by my side. He would freak if he didn't know where I was for a second. He was socially uncomfortable in groups and crowds. I am the ringleader, so it was quite a challenge!

I have connected with a man who also is not emotionally ready for anything. We keep company often, talk, dinner, dancing and enjoy each other.

I am emotionally detached as he is and honestly we are both fine with that until we are ready to commit to others. We are not right for each other for the long term ( different places in our lives) it's good, we know each other as friends only for at least 8 months and he met my ex and even called me on the fact that he was beginning to not know who I was.

He said he saw my light going out months ago!

I recycled with my ex one more time after that conversation.

I have been asked out numerous times in the last month, I'm ready now to accept an offer from somebody that I might feel an interest in, when that happens.

Until then I'm good having my friend to hang with.

Look out guys, I'm out here again, just a little more cautious.

I'm going to be 52 next month, but feel 21!

If I meet somebody great, that's great, if not it's ok!

I am totally fine with myself and whatever might come into my path!

I am strong, I am woman!   Thanks Helen reedy!

[2014]

What i find sad... .Is that the non's are supposed to be the healthier people, emotionally. But all I read are stories like this, we don't trust people again, have a hard time entering new relationships. Meanwhile, our ex's with BPD have no problem jumping into a new relationship. Like they aren't fazed at all.

I feel like the unbalanced one, and her the healthy one.

Even on the topic of strength, when we were together, she couldn't handle the slightest bit of stress or disappointment... over anything. I was always the rock that made her feel better. Now, I am a weak mess, and she is out there living her life while I sit home, unable to even go out without falling apart.

Feels like I am the weak one, and her the strong one. How'd that change so suddenly? How'd she move forward so easily while I am stuck in a ditch too deep to climb out of, and too confined to move forward or back? Why am I so weak right now!

This. Yes. After a NPD and now a BPD i have become the 'damaged' one, too scared to even kiss a new guy, while both are in a new relationship (both my replacements). Even though i rationally know better, i feel like the loser, the outsider, the joke of the town.

I know i am not going to be ready for dating for a long while… and am not happy about it.

[tim_tom]

This. Yes. After a NPD and now a BPD i have become the 'damaged' one, too scared to even kiss a new guy, while both are in a new relationship (both my replacements). Even though i rationally know better, i feel like the loser, the outsider, the joke of the town.

I know i am not going to be ready for dating for a long while… and am not happy about it.

Totally. I feel like I need to kill off the nice guy in me, the sensitive side that wears his heart on his sleeve. I absolutely hate that I am home every night wallowing in pain, and she is off enjoying her life. I feel weak, damaged... I never want to let this happen again.

The other option I feel I have is to never trust a women again, run from intimacy and commitment whenever it's presented. Someone told me everyday for 16 months "forever", I trusted her completely and always thought she'd love me. A week later, during dumping i asked her what about forever and she coldly said "things change". Not in a week, not for healthy people

[Springle]

This. Yes. After a NPD and now a BPD i have become the 'damaged' one, too scared to even kiss a new guy, while both are in a new relationship (both my replacements). Even though i rationally know better, i feel like the loser, the outsider, the joke of the town.

I know i am not going to be ready for dating for a long while… and am not happy about it.

Totally. I feel like I need to kill off the nice guy in me, the sensitive side that wears his heart on his sleeve. I absolutely hate that I am home every night wallowing in pain, and she is off enjoying her life. I feel weak, damaged... I never want to let this happen again.

I understand completely! I've felt like a right nasty piece of work since my BU and I despise it but sometimes it's happened before I realise. People will be emotionally available to me and I will be mistrusting and so will become defensive and sometimes angry! It's awful, these people are only have my best interests at heart, care about me or want to possibly get to know me more. Not everyone has a hidden agenda but I feel like it is all I can think of now, 'why are they talking to me?' 'why do they want to know all this info about me?'.

I have got a bit better now but my self esteem is still quite shot, I expect most guys who talk to me, whom I actually may like, to become bored of me and drop me like a stone the moment they realise there are better people out there. One's without mental health issues, one's that are not damaged. I expect to be abandoned essentially! I never felt that way before, I felt desirable and charmed by a guy asking me out, want to know more about me.

[MidKnightsun]

Absolutely. I'm six months out of an 8 year roller coaster ride with an NBPD boyfriend (he was a husband for 5 months midway through the 8 years... .yes, I know... .why did I let him back in for another 4 years?). Now I have a very nice man interested in me. He has showered me with compliments in person and in texts. I have a hard time with the compliments and don't respond with his same enthusiasm. I told him I felt I was capable of sharing my feelings, but needed some consistency from him. Lately, I think he is cooling off. I feel like I don't even know how to date anymore. Pre-BPD boyfriend, I could jump in with both feet.

[Blimblam]

I don't feel emotionally available to others anymore. Like all of my energy must go into healing. That all I really do have to offer is insight into the unconcious mind.

[freedom33]

Have you ever thought that maybe some of us were too emotionally available and that this might be a more balanced position and a new norm for the better?

I am personally tired being emotionally available and caretaking other people's feelings and moods. Time for a role reversal.

[fred6]

Absolutely. I'm six months out of an 8 year roller coaster ride with an NBPD boyfriend (he was a husband for 5 months midway through the 8 years... .yes, I know... .why did I let him back in for another 4 years?). Now I have a very nice man interested in me. He has showered me with compliments in person and in texts. I have a hard time with the compliments and don't respond with his same enthusiasm. I told him I felt I was capable of sharing my feelings, but needed some consistency from him. Lately, I think he is cooling off. I feel like I don't even know how to date anymore. Pre-BPD boyfriend, I could jump in with both feet.

My exBPD had such low self esteem that she would get mad when I called her pretty or beautiful. She couldn't take complements at all.