I started questioning myself and kind of realized, I'm so fracked up that I see this disorder everywhere I look. I'm on the lookout for it, and perfectly normal things will now trigger BPD fear...
yeah i see what you mean now. In the latest woman's case i had gotten a lot of red flags regarding things that I've read that BPD do and that my ex did, (idealization, huge sense of victimhood, highly agitated when stressed), but i wanted to make sure that i wasn't seeing all women through BPD colored glasses, so i stuck around but didn't get too attached and it was a fascinating month.
This is a little in depth but i think it's pretty on topic and i'd love to hear whether this was legit BPD fear or just paranoia and bad choices on my part. (i did have fun with her)
-slept with her on the first day we hung out when i helped her move(i know, not smart but she was hot and it was the first great sex i'd had in 9 months)
-had intense week of her ferociously trying to attach and make me feel good
-experienced her highly reactive emotional responses with me, first hand towards her mom, and hearing about the same kind of blame casting on co-workers (she was always in some drama with some girl who's fault it was)
-she got super triggered when i suggested she had anger issues and in her mind "she was over me" although it was more like me saying that i don't want to be with someone that had so much emotional volatility and stopped communicating with her in a dating way
-next 2 weeks we didn't talk much, during which time she snagged a guy outside a club and had a similar sounding "relationship" to the one she tried to have with me only it took a few dates to f her
-she reconnected with me letting me know she had gotten a job she was going for and i showed her a nugget of positive attention about it and we slept together again right away (i didn't know she'd slept with the other guy yet btw) (she got off, and i didn't mainly because she kept saying word for word stuff my ex used to "i love your c@*K", and "you read my body like a book". Might have been true but it killed my enthusiasm as i didn't think it was authentic.
-that same evening we examined our potential as far as any further connection, and i asked her about who else she's sleeping with and she got way emotionally triggered (it was clearly caused by the stress and shame she had around sleeping with the other guy and potentially risking me walking and abandoning her and her losing her supply. This happened mostly when i insisted that she own her emotional state instead of blaming me for causing it)
-after her revealing a lot of her abandonment issues and admitted to being messed up and came as close as one can to saying they need help/therapy yet not (because she had some once and it didn't help, ugh). She then would switch gears and try to say that if i just had a different approach to her emotions it would all be ok and she'd be an amazing partner.
I got a little fed up eventually and exited stage left and have chalked it up to a successful (yet semi stressful) encounter with another BPD woman.
What do you think? I'm a bit down because she was very cute and fun and we shared a passion for dancing, but I'm fine if i don't hear from her again too.
So again as far as that main question of being more or less emotionally available, i guess less, but it doesn't manifest as running from intimacy, but rather as looking at reality as it is and making the tough choice to give up the good when the bad is possibly disordered bad.
P.S. any theories on what i might be putting out that makes me appealing to these types or is just being available enough and they just cast a wide net?