Broke NC - Must be out of the FOG

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It was about 3 months zero contact. Well, I made the mistake of checking my blocked messages on my Iphone on Friday night. And lo and behold there was a message from her about 2 weeks ago. I'm sure on any other day I would have just discarded the message, but I just so happen to be at an Oktoberfest event so I was under the influence. The message was not what I was expecting. I expected some sort of apology with her talking slowly and sadly like she would do when she knew she had messed up. The message talked about getting some of her stuff back and the fact that I reached out to one of her friends and she didn't like it. She was actually a mutual friend of which she would talk nothing but trash about. Again, I wouldn't have responded but I couldn't help myself at the time. On the cab ride home I began to construct the most hateful email I could, which is totally out of character for me. I wrote that I regret ever listening to the message and that has some nerve asking for anything considering how much she took from me. My reply (paraphrased) "Any evidence of your existence in my apartment has been erased. I have never hated anyone in my life, but you are the closest I have come to hate. I know much more than you think I do about the incidents leading up to our breakup; however, I will keep those to myself as they only help me despise you. I feel sorry for the next person you drag into your life which consists of nothing but lies and deceit."

Of course she replies within minutes a message talking about how I am delusional and a psychopath and I don't know what I'm talking about. She ended it with a "F you." About what I expected.

Again I wrote back while still in the cab, but a little more calmly - "It was heartbreaking to hear your message with zero apologizes and its unbelievable that you don't get it. You ever thought that maybe the problem is with you? Or is that too much to handle? I have never in my life had anyone question my sanity or my character. I know I am good person that has a lot love to give. Can you say the same? I hope that one day you can realize that your actions have consequences and those consequences are devastating to the people you pretend to love. I am going against my better judgement by even talking to you, but if I don't tell you nobody else will. And I am happy now. I am back to the guy you first met. The guy you destroyed and made into your puppet. I wish I could say I wish you all the best, but I would be a liar. I just can't be nice to you knowing you are going on with zero remorse for what you have done."

I go home and wake up to 2 blocked messages - I listen. They are her talking really slowly about how her initial message was mean and addressing the fact that she worked out all her issues with her friend. What the heck? The second message tried to clear up the main point of her first message.  She says that she has a lot of issues that she needs to work on and that she is making progress. She knows that I think she is nothing but a liar, but hopefully we can be friends in the distant future. She just wants me to be happy because I deserve it. 

The silver lining is that I am not really bothered. I have zero interest in getting back with her. I wouldn't recycle if she showed up naked on my front doorstep. I guess I'm out of the FOG.

[robert4574]

It was about 3 months zero contact. Well, I made the mistake of checking my blocked messages on my Iphone on Friday night. And lo and behold there was a message from her about 2 weeks ago. I'm sure on any other day I would have just discarded the message, but I just so happen to be at an Oktoberfest event so I was under the influence. The message was not what I was expecting. I expected some sort of apology with her talking slowly and sadly like she would do when she knew she had messed up. The message talked about getting some of her stuff back and the fact that I reached out to one of her friends and she didn't like it. She was actually a mutual friend of which she would talk nothing but trash about. Again, I wouldn't have responded but I couldn't help myself at the time. On the cab ride home I began to construct the most hateful email I could, which is totally out of character for me. I wrote that I regret ever listening to the message and that has some nerve asking for anything considering how much she took from me. My reply (paraphrased) "Any evidence of your existence in my apartment has been erased. I have never hated anyone in my life, but you are the closest I have come to hate. I know much more than you think I do about the incidents leading up to our breakup; however, I will keep those to myself as they only help me despise you. I feel sorry for the next person you drag into your life which consists of nothing but lies and deceit."

Of course she replies within minutes a message talking about how I am delusional and a psychopath and I don't know what I'm talking about. She ended it with a "F you." About what I expected.

Again I wrote back while still in the cab, but a little more calmly - "It was heartbreaking to hear your message with zero apologizes and its unbelievable that you don't get it. You ever thought that maybe the problem is with you? Or is that too much to handle? I have never in my life had anyone question my sanity or my character. I know I am good person that has a lot love to give. Can you say the same? I hope that one day you can realize that your actions have consequences and those consequences are devastating to the people you pretend to love. I am going against my better judgement by even talking to you, but if I don't tell you nobody else will. And I am happy now. I am back to the guy you first met. The guy you destroyed and made into your puppet. I wish I could say I wish you all the best, but I would be a liar. I just can't be nice to you knowing you are going on with zero remorse for what you have done."

I go home and wake up to 2 blocked messages - I listen. They are her talking really slowly about how her initial message was mean and addressing the fact that she worked out all her issues with her friend. What the heck? The second message tried to clear up the main point of her first message.  She says that she has a lot of issues that she needs to work on and that she is making progress. She knows that I think she is nothing but a liar, but hopefully we can be friends in the distant future. She just wants me to be happy because I deserve it. 

The silver lining is that I am not really bothered. I have zero interest in getting back with her. I wouldn't recycle if she showed up naked on my front doorstep. I guess I'm out of the FOG.

[tim_tom]

I hope so man, my experience with this kind of communication is that you get a momentary high or feeling like hey I am alright with this, followed analyzing what you said, what she said... how you might of said something differently. Followed by anxiety and depression.

Please update this thread in a few days, I sincerely hope this doesn't cause a setback for you and will be on the lookout for confirmation

[robert4574]

I hope so man, my experience with this kind of communication is that you get a momentary high or feeling like hey I am alright with this, followed analyzing what you said, what she said... how you might of said something differently. Followed by anxiety and depression.

Please update this thread in a few days, I sincerely hope this doesn't cause a setback for you and will be on the lookout for confirmation

It's been a week and nothing has really changed in terms of how I feel about the situation. She reached out one more time with a short email just letting me know that she left voicemails and that she hopes I will listen to them. Of course, I didn't respond. I've come to terms with the fact that she is not special. A few months ago I would read this forum religiously and see undeniable similarities between posts, but would somehow always convince myself that she was somehow different than all the rest. She wouldn't act that way. Not her, not MY ex. Turns out that she would because she has BPD. The girl I loved wasn't real. She was a fantasy. I understand that now. I still have so much love and hate for her, but I believe I have cleared the biggest hurdle. I'm find myself not even thinking about her until I come on this forum.

[Indyan]

I go home and wake up to 2 blocked messages - I listen. They are her talking really slowly about how her initial message was mean and addressing the fact that she worked out all her issues with her friend. What the heck? The second message tried to clear up the main point of her first message.  She says that she has a lot of issues that she needs to work on and that she is making progress. She knows that I think she is nothing but a liar, but hopefully we can be friends in the distant future. She just wants me to be happy because I deserve it. 

That's something that's always puzzled me. Whenever I got angry and sharp (not my type normally) my BPDbf would come back in a submissive way, apologizing etc. As if being angry to them touched them more that showing our sadness.

[Algae]

Sounds to me like she's just trying to be nice now... so that you'll stick around in case she needs another backup guy in the future to run too.

People with BPD HATE The thought of being abandoned... even if its by an EX they have N/C with.  They'll stalk or look at your facebook wall wondering what youre doing.  Sounds like she's just trying to set you up like a bowling pin

[tim_tom]

It's been a week and nothing has really changed in terms of how I feel about the situation. She reached out one more time with a short email just letting me know that she left voicemails and that she hopes I will listen to them. Of course, I didn't respond. I've come to terms with the fact that she is not special. A few months ago I would read this forum religiously and see undeniable similarities between posts, but would somehow always convince myself that she was somehow different than all the rest. She wouldn't act that way. Not her, not MY ex. Turns out that she would because she has BPD. The girl I loved wasn't real. She was a fantasy. I understand that now. I still have so much love and hate for her, but I believe I have cleared the biggest hurdle. I'm find myself not even thinking about her until I come on this forum.

Good for you, and yeah, that is the major hurdle, thinking your situation is somehow different. Even in the face of hearing the same story told over and over and over on this forum. It's very sobering to accept that what happened to me was just a pattern she's been playing out for years with other guys, one in which most BPD's play out with thie significant others. Nothing unique, nothing special, just a plain old mass produced widget sitting in every Walmart stockroom from here to china