How to not leave your BPD and waste your life and energy for nothing

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Im an older guy, fit, lively, but age has caught up... .and my BPD... .was never really mine. For the past year and 4 months and 7 recycles, untold damage to my once solid ego, lying, cheating, stealing, smearing my name, ruining a relationship with someone else when I tried to move on... .etc etc etc... .And yet... .at the same time... .being vulnerable, begging for my help financially, saving her from homelessness a dozen times, sex off the charts when shes wants... .all at the end of the day mean nothing to her.

Ive moved away, started fresh with a new career in a new state, it was all good, going well, withdrawal was manageable BUT I ... .had to go back thousands of miles to deal with my unsold properties... .and I saw her again, called her. We met... .I had four days... .it was a whirlwind of sex and partying, dinners, walks in the mnts, apple picking, and some real breakthrough talking, that lasted for several days, and then it was like it never occurred ... .then just like that, like all the dopamine and endorphins vanished and her brain chemistry rocketed her into cruelness, along with my cash... .telling me how unattractive I was to her anymore... .( didn't stop her from sex bombing me day and night)... .just basically nasty, demeaning, uncaring, abusive things... .said she felt obligated because I helped her out.

I left a day ago, she didn't see me my last nite in town, said she had enough of split black time ... .we spoke on the phone today now that Im back away... .she said she could never love me... .for me to find someone else that will adore me ( like I need her idiotic advice and quite frankly have no problem in this dept) So what is my problem?  I know what it is on an intellectual level. I know Im in denial about my age, I KNOW my own mother could not be physically affectionate with me, I craved her attention and never got it, I know this is my core trauma... .I know I have had and probably still do have narcissistic tendencies because of all that AND... .I am so inexorably drawn to her rejection, trying to find love where I KNOW its impossible to find I KNOW im drawn... .to her youth, to her wildness... . 

She cuckolds me... .a thing Ive never tolerated ever in my life but do with her because if I don't... .she will walk.   She has a parade of exes... .and decides who is worthy of her time... .Ive told her I care about her... and that I miss her... .shes says STOP it... .you make me feel uncomfortable, saying that ___ to me pushes me away... .and yet during the year when Ive walk away she would cry come back, you win, you win... .like a 4 year old. Shes fallen asleep on my chest, my fingers massaging her soft blond curls... .she does want to be held... .and shes held on to me so tightly I thought I would be crushed... .and then she doesn't, like she doesn't remember it. She lives so totally in the moment... .unless you're painted black, unless you have done something she deems to be a crime to herself.  So insane.

She is the mayor of silent treatments... .you can not beat her at this... .if she goes silent, you just have to give up immediately because its a futile exercise to ask why BUT if... .I go NC... .she couldn't care less... .replacements keep her body fully eh busy. There is NO WINNING... .there is no rational thinking. You cant win with someone who just doesn't care about you. Or who has defensive so ingrained in survival nothing, absolutely nothing you say or do, or explain, will matter one bit. Your words are dead to a heart that cant feel... .or hyper feels ... .   Yet she has friends, holds down a job, and goes out and has fun... .her life revolving around the pursuit of Pain killers, cocaine, weed, wine and anxiety meds. Everyday... .how she functions I have no idea. She cant sleep. Shes up all night... .every night... .sleeping with her is exhausting beyond words. Shes going to die young. And this breaks my heart but I cant help her. She manipulates my help. Uses it against me.

She has one ex... .who she seems to need... .but who is so damaged himself he doesn't care what she does. He ignores her.  He gives her chances... .she betrays him... .they break up... .and go back... .over and over for 4 years. Crazy.

Anyway... .Im far away again... .shes not hating me... .we left on relatively decent terms... .but she once again made it bluntly clear that our age difference turns her off. And for me to give up. So I do for months... .and it seems that If I decide to go back to my town for thanksgiving she will be there and probably see me... .

I spent the day on the beach among other things... .thinking... .wondering who I was... .who I am now... .and how the ___ did this happen ... .and why did I let it... .and it doesnt matter... .  what matters is... .recreating a new life and eliminating boredom. Wish me luck... .I need it.  Peace.

[Split black]

Im an older guy, fit, lively, but age has caught up... .and my BPD... .was never really mine. For the past year and 4 months and 7 recycles, untold damage to my once solid ego, lying, cheating, stealing, smearing my name, ruining a relationship with someone else when I tried to move on... .etc etc etc... .And yet... .at the same time... .being vulnerable, begging for my help financially, saving her from homelessness a dozen times, sex off the charts when shes wants... .all at the end of the day mean nothing to her.

Ive moved away, started fresh with a new career in a new state, it was all good, going well, withdrawal was manageable BUT I ... .had to go back thousands of miles to deal with my unsold properties... .and I saw her again, called her. We met... .I had four days... .it was a whirlwind of sex and partying, dinners, walks in the mnts, apple picking, and some real breakthrough talking, that lasted for several days, and then it was like it never occurred ... .then just like that, like all the dopamine and endorphins vanished and her brain chemistry rocketed her into cruelness, along with my cash... .telling me how unattractive I was to her anymore... .( didn't stop her from sex bombing me day and night)... .just basically nasty, demeaning, uncaring, abusive things... .said she felt obligated because I helped her out.

I left a day ago, she didn't see me my last nite in town, said she had enough of split black time ... .we spoke on the phone today now that Im back away... .she said she could never love me... .for me to find someone else that will adore me ( like I need her idiotic advice and quite frankly have no problem in this dept) So what is my problem?  I know what it is on an intellectual level. I know Im in denial about my age, I KNOW my own mother could not be physically affectionate with me, I craved her attention and never got it, I know this is my core trauma... .I know I have had and probably still do have narcissistic tendencies because of all that AND... .I am so inexorably drawn to her rejection, trying to find love where I KNOW its impossible to find I KNOW im drawn... .to her youth, to her wildness... . 

She cuckolds me... .a thing Ive never tolerated ever in my life but do with her because if I don't... .she will walk.   She has a parade of exes... .and decides who is worthy of her time... .Ive told her I care about her... and that I miss her... .shes says STOP it... .you make me feel uncomfortable, saying that ___ to me pushes me away... .and yet during the year when Ive walk away she would cry come back, you win, you win... .like a 4 year old. Shes fallen asleep on my chest, my fingers massaging her soft blond curls... .she does want to be held... .and shes held on to me so tightly I thought I would be crushed... .and then she doesn't, like she doesn't remember it. She lives so totally in the moment... .unless you're painted black, unless you have done something she deems to be a crime to herself.  So insane.

She is the mayor of silent treatments... .you can not beat her at this... .if she goes silent, you just have to give up immediately because its a futile exercise to ask why BUT if... .I go NC... .she couldn't care less... .replacements keep her body fully eh busy. There is NO WINNING... .there is no rational thinking. You cant win with someone who just doesn't care about you. Or who has defensive so ingrained in survival nothing, absolutely nothing you say or do, or explain, will matter one bit. Your words are dead to a heart that cant feel... .or hyper feels ... .   Yet she has friends, holds down a job, and goes out and has fun... .her life revolving around the pursuit of Pain killers, cocaine, weed, wine and anxiety meds. Everyday... .how she functions I have no idea. She cant sleep. Shes up all night... .every night... .sleeping with her is exhausting beyond words. Shes going to die young. And this breaks my heart but I cant help her. She manipulates my help. Uses it against me.

She has one ex... .who she seems to need... .but who is so damaged himself he doesn't care what she does. He ignores her.  He gives her chances... .she betrays him... .they break up... .and go back... .over and over for 4 years. Crazy.

Anyway... .Im far away again... .shes not hating me... .we left on relatively decent terms... .but she once again made it bluntly clear that our age difference turns her off. And for me to give up. So I do for months... .and it seems that If I decide to go back to my town for thanksgiving she will be there and probably see me... .

I spent the day on the beach among other things... .thinking... .wondering who I was... .who I am now... .and how the ___ did this happen ... .and why did I let it... .and it doesnt matter... .  what matters is... .recreating a new life and eliminating boredom. Wish me luck... .I need it.  Peace.

[Blimblam]

Good luck dude.  Being an emotional trash can sucks

[Split black]

Thanks bro... .feeling better today... .

[Blimblam]

Thanks bro... .feeling better today... .

Glad to hear it. Does it feel better to have te distance?

[Waifed]

Im an older guy, fit, lively, but age has caught up... .and my BPD... .was never really mine. For the past year and 4 months and 7 recycles, untold damage to my once solid ego, lying, cheating, stealing, smearing my name, ruining a relationship with someone else when I tried to move on... .etc etc etc... .And yet... .at the same time... .being vulnerable, begging for my help financially, saving her from homelessness a dozen times, sex off the charts when shes wants... .all at the end of the day mean nothing to her.

Ive moved away, started fresh with a new career in a new state, it was all good, going well, withdrawal was manageable BUT I ... .had to go back thousands of miles to deal with my unsold properties... .and I saw her again, called her. We met... .I had four days... .it was a whirlwind of sex and partying, dinners, walks in the mnts, apple picking, and some real breakthrough talking, that lasted for several days, and then it was like it never occurred ... .then just like that, like all the dopamine and endorphins vanished and her brain chemistry rocketed her into cruelness, along with my cash... .telling me how unattractive I was to her anymore... .( didn't stop her from sex bombing me day and night)... .just basically nasty, demeaning, uncaring, abusive things... .said she felt obligated because I helped her out.

I left a day ago, she didn't see me my last nite in town, said she had enough of split black time ... .we spoke on the phone today now that Im back away... .she said she could never love me... .for me to find someone else that will adore me ( like I need her idiotic advice and quite frankly have no problem in this dept) So what is my problem?  I know what it is on an intellectual level. I know Im in denial about my age, I KNOW my own mother could not be physically affectionate with me, I craved her attention and never got it, I know this is my core trauma... .I know I have had and probably still do have narcissistic tendencies because of all that AND... .I am so inexorably drawn to her rejection, trying to find love where I KNOW its impossible to find I KNOW im drawn... .to her youth, to her wildness... . 

She cuckolds me... .a thing Ive never tolerated ever in my life but do with her because if I don't... .she will walk.   She has a parade of exes... .and decides who is worthy of her time... .Ive told her I care about her... and that I miss her... .shes says STOP it... .you make me feel uncomfortable, saying that ___ to me pushes me away... .and yet during the year when Ive walk away she would cry come back, you win, you win... .like a 4 year old. Shes fallen asleep on my chest, my fingers massaging her soft blond curls... .she does want to be held... .and shes held on to me so tightly I thought I would be crushed... .and then she doesn't, like she doesn't remember it. She lives so totally in the moment... .unless you're painted black, unless you have done something she deems to be a crime to herself.  So insane.

She is the mayor of silent treatments... .you can not beat her at this... .if she goes silent, you just have to give up immediately because its a futile exercise to ask why BUT if... .I go NC... .she couldn't care less... .replacements keep her body fully eh busy. There is NO WINNING... .there is no rational thinking. You cant win with someone who just doesn't care about you. Or who has defensive so ingrained in survival nothing, absolutely nothing you say or do, or explain, will matter one bit. Your words are dead to a heart that cant feel... .or hyper feels ... .  Yet she has friends, holds down a job, and goes out and has fun... .her life revolving around the pursuit of Pain killers, cocaine, weed, wine and anxiety meds. Everyday... .how she functions I have no idea. She cant sleep. Shes up all night... .every night... .sleeping with her is exhausting beyond words. Shes going to die young. And this breaks my heart but I cant help her. She manipulates my help. Uses it against me.

She has one ex... .who she seems to need... .but who is so damaged himself he doesn't care what she does. He ignores her.  He gives her chances... .she betrays him... .they break up... .and go back... .over and over for 4 years. Crazy.

Anyway... .Im far away again... .shes not hating me... .we left on relatively decent terms... .but she once again made it bluntly clear that our age difference turns her off. And for me to give up. So I do for months... .and it seems that If I decide to go back to my town for thanksgiving she will be there and probably see me... .

I spent the day on the beach among other things... .thinking... .wondering who I was... .who I am now... .and how the ___ did this happen ... .and why did I let it... .and it doesnt matter... . what matters is... .recreating a new life and eliminating boredom. Wish me luck... .I need it.  Peace.

Well your situation is very similar to mine. I'm 17 years older and became pathetically infatiated. I was obsessed about our age difference. She used it against me when emotionally abusing me, but when I mentioned she was too young for me it crushed her every time.

I think your situation is pretty simple as complicated as it is. Read "Facing Love Addiction" by Pia Mellody. She is probably Avoidant (fears engulfment) and your relationship has saturated to the point that you have been tamed and she resents your weakness. You trigger her so badly because she senses your desperation and it sends her engulfment thru the roof. When she gets away from you it neutralizes as her fear of losing you kicks in. Then she misses you again and the cycle continues. The problem is every time she sees you and feels your neediness she is drawn away more quickly.

The reason she might still have a strong attachment to the other guy is because he is indifferent towards her. He does not threaten her engulfment as badly. You are  probably right about one thing, it is a dead end with her if you ever expect to have a normal relationship. One other thing. I believe that the fact that you were heading back home far away could have really triggered her fear of abandonment and she pushed back by being ugly. She is not happy. All of her addictions are her way of soothing to get through life.

I lived out the last couple of months just as you described and it was beyond painful to see someone I loved become indifferent toward me one minute and latched on to me like glue the next. It ___ed my head up so badly I still try and process it at times a year later. I feel your pain and I am so sorry you are suffering. Be kind to yourself and take life one day at a time. You are suffering from loss of self esteem. I promise you are not the person you see in the mirror right now. I know you have been NC before and you were getting stronger. You will get back to that point. You will fall in love again and you will get over your ex. It took me over 8 months to think anyone would want or be attracted to me. I'm finding out that I wasn't the ugly dude I saw in the mirror . You will too. You will get back the mojo that attracted your ex to you in the first place. Keep your head up and fake your way through it for a few months. Concentrate on doing things for yourself. You are just a few months from kicking azz and taking names again!

BTW, after dating exBPD for three years I never felt she was mine either. It hurts but I now realize that it is her issue. I gave her my best and that is all I could do. My shame of embarrassment for being a fool all along has slowly subsided. It was not our fault.

[Split black]

Im an older guy, fit, lively, but age has caught up... .and my BPD... .was never really mine. For the past year and 4 months and 7 recycles, untold damage to my once solid ego, lying, cheating, stealing, smearing my name, ruining a relationship with someone else when I tried to move on... .etc etc etc... .And yet... .at the same time... .being vulnerable, begging for my help financially, saving her from homelessness a dozen times, sex off the charts when shes wants... .all at the end of the day mean nothing to her.

Ive moved away, started fresh with a new career in a new state, it was all good, going well, withdrawal was manageable BUT I ... .had to go back thousands of miles to deal with my unsold properties... .and I saw her again, called her. We met... .I had four days... .it was a whirlwind of sex and partying, dinners, walks in the mnts, apple picking, and some real breakthrough talking, that lasted for several days, and then it was like it never occurred ... .then just like that, like all the dopamine and endorphins vanished and her brain chemistry rocketed her into cruelness, along with my cash... .telling me how unattractive I was to her anymore... .( didn't stop her from sex bombing me day and night)... .just basically nasty, demeaning, uncaring, abusive things... .said she felt obligated because I helped her out.

I left a day ago, she didn't see me my last nite in town, said she had enough of split black time ... .we spoke on the phone today now that Im back away... .she said she could never love me... .for me to find someone else that will adore me ( like I need her idiotic advice and quite frankly have no problem in this dept) So what is my problem?  I know what it is on an intellectual level. I know Im in denial about my age, I KNOW my own mother could not be physically affectionate with me, I craved her attention and never got it, I know this is my core trauma... .I know I have had and probably still do have narcissistic tendencies because of all that AND... .I am so inexorably drawn to her rejection, trying to find love where I KNOW its impossible to find I KNOW im drawn... .to her youth, to her wildness... . 

She cuckolds me... .a thing Ive never tolerated ever in my life but do with her because if I don't... .she will walk.   She has a parade of exes... .and decides who is worthy of her time... .Ive told her I care about her... and that I miss her... .shes says STOP it... .you make me feel uncomfortable, saying that ___ to me pushes me away... .and yet during the year when Ive walk away she would cry come back, you win, you win... .like a 4 year old. Shes fallen asleep on my chest, my fingers massaging her soft blond curls... .she does want to be held... .and shes held on to me so tightly I thought I would be crushed... .and then she doesn't, like she doesn't remember it. She lives so totally in the moment... .unless you're painted black, unless you have done something she deems to be a crime to herself.  So insane.

She is the mayor of silent treatments... .you can not beat her at this... .if she goes silent, you just have to give up immediately because its a futile exercise to ask why BUT if... .I go NC... .she couldn't care less... .replacements keep her body fully eh busy. There is NO WINNING... .there is no rational thinking. You cant win with someone who just doesn't care about you. Or who has defensive so ingrained in survival nothing, absolutely nothing you say or do, or explain, will matter one bit. Your words are dead to a heart that cant feel... .or hyper feels ... .  Yet she has friends, holds down a job, and goes out and has fun... .her life revolving around the pursuit of Pain killers, cocaine, weed, wine and anxiety meds. Everyday... .how she functions I have no idea. She cant sleep. Shes up all night... .every night... .sleeping with her is exhausting beyond words. Shes going to die young. And this breaks my heart but I cant help her. She manipulates my help. Uses it against me.

She has one ex... .who she seems to need... .but who is so damaged himself he doesn't care what she does. He ignores her.  He gives her chances... .she betrays him... .they break up... .and go back... .over and over for 4 years. Crazy.

Anyway... .Im far away again... .shes not hating me... .we left on relatively decent terms... .but she once again made it bluntly clear that our age difference turns her off. And for me to give up. So I do for months... .and it seems that If I decide to go back to my town for thanksgiving she will be there and probably see me... .

I spent the day on the beach among other things... .thinking... .wondering who I was... .who I am now... .and how the ___ did this happen ... .and why did I let it... .and it doesnt matter... . what matters is... .recreating a new life and eliminating boredom. Wish me luck... .I need it.  Peace.

Well your situation is very similar to mine. I'm 17 years older and became pathetically infatiated. I was obsessed about our age difference. She used it against me when emotionally abusing me, but when I mentioned she was too young for me it crushed her every time.

I think your situation is pretty simple as complicated as it is. Read "Facing Love Addiction" by Pia Mellody. She is probably Avoidant (fears engulfment) and your relationship has saturated to the point that you have been tamed and she resents your weakness. You trigger her so badly because she senses your desperation and it sends her engulfment thru the roof. When she gets away from you it neutralizes as her fear of losing you kicks in. Then she misses you again and the cycle continues. The problem is every time she sees you and feels your neediness she is drawn away more quickly.

The reason she might still have a strong attachment to the other guy is because he is indifferent towards her. He does not threaten her engulfment as badly. You are  probably right about one thing, it is a dead end with her if you ever expect to have a normal relationship. One other thing. I believe that the fact that you were heading back home far away could have really triggered her fear of abandonment and she pushed back by being ugly. She is not happy. All of her addictions are her way of soothing to get through life.

I lived out the last couple of months just as you described and it was beyond painful to see someone I loved become indifferent toward me one minute and latched on to me like glue the next. It ___ed my head up so badly I still try and process it at times a year later. I feel your pain and I am so sorry you are suffering. Be kind to yourself and take life one day at a time. You are suffering from loss of self esteem. I promise you are not the person you see in the mirror right now. I know you have been NC before and you were getting stronger. You will get back to that point. You will fall in love again and you will get over your ex. It took me over 8 months to think anyone would want or be attracted to me. I'm finding out that I wasn't the ugly dude I saw in the mirror . You will too. You will get back the mojo that attracted your ex to you in the first place. Keep your head up and fake your way through it for a few months. Concentrate on doing things for yourself. You are just a few months from kicking azz and taking names again!

BTW, after dating exBPD for three years I never felt she was mine either. It hurts but I now realize that it is her issue. I gave her my best and that is all I could do. My shame of embarrassment for being a fool all along has slowly subsided. It was not our fault.

Your situation rings true... .that mojo I used to have... that swag... .  obliterated. I get plenty of attention... .and I thought I would be immune to her inconsistent behavior... .I convinced myself that I didn't care... .Id just have sex... .and feel nothing. At the end of the day, I was becoming more and more like her... .and not able to be my best self.  And then theres that part we know  only too well... .checking your phone for texts and calls... .   I even got a throw away phone, thats the only number she has of mine. I will check it at the end of the day, and feel disappointed. Addiction... .even a negative response is better then  none... .  Its not like she is in hate mode... .shes just totally indifferent because shes with a parade of other newbies and exes... .and Im not available to be used for rent or cash to by drugs... .

In a sick pathetic way I guess I exploited her... .she made every sexual tryst transactional. It is not what I wanted at all... .but it was the only way to spend time with her... .truly pathetic of me. If I told her how I felt she would get angry and tell me in no uncertain terms how NOT into me she was... .  which was ludicrous considering the amount of time we did spend together doing things and going places... .but she used sex to control me. AND she totally knew I was hooked.

Its not that I have any problem at all dating or being with someone... .  its that I have a reverse dysmorphia going... .Im finding it hard to feel attracted to other women. Im convinced time will heal that... but it does suck fighting this internal battle.

[Split black]

Thanks bro... .feeling better today... .

Glad to hear it. Does it feel better to have te distance?

Yeah man... .the distance is the end game. It truly helps

[Infern0]

I can understand that thing about not being attracted to other women.

I've had girls who by all accounts are better looking than my sickly, frail bulimic BPD ex, but I dunno I find it hard to be interested.  It's like even flirting is a massive effort, and I'm a very flirty person, I usually love it.

[Infared]

There is a song about this.

Bad Co.

"Good Lovin Gone Bad"... .

Run... .fast... .and don't look back.

[Waifed]

I can understand that thing about not being attracted to other women.

I've had girls who by all accounts are better looking than my sickly, frail bulimic BPD ex, but I dunno I find it hard to be interested.  It's like even flirting is a massive effort, and I'm a very flirty person, I usually love it.

Trauma bonding? Feel like you're betraying your ex? I had that problem for almost a year after the breakup/NC.

[maxen]

Trauma bonding? Feel like you're betraying your ex? I had that problem for almost a year after the breakup/NC.

this is a very hard thing to counter. i'm 15 months since i was blindsided, and i've had to be more than once assured that divorcing my wife is a proper moral approach. even my parish priest thinks so. yet until about 6 weeks ago it was like a pebble in my subconscious, that i was divorcing her and not she me.

the distance and the time really do help. that's a little frustrating, because you can't hurry time. somehow, very early after the betrayal i took some decisions based on rationality and not on emotion, and now it's clear these were the best decisions i made: i filed first, which gave me control of the clock, i waited for my emotions to catch up with me, i got a good (i think) lawyer, i cleared away the other things that were impinging. i'm not sure where i got the strength to do this. perhaps we can look at our situations from the outside: what if this happened to a friend of ours, and not to us? how would we advise that fellow? could we act on the advice we'd give?

[goldylamont]

Split black, i think you should make it your mission to fall in love with another woman. Of course you want to wait until you're ready--but for me being ready didn't mean that i waited (years) before completely processing the buffoonery of my r/s with my ex. to me i just wanted to make sure that i could be honest and clear with the partner i was with. now, there was some foul-play on my part here--full disclosure, i ended up breaking things off with the woman i was dating to try and recycle the ex. which was painful for her i know, yet i did this before being fully committed with the bf/gf vows. still, i was extremely fortunate to patch things up a month later... .i digress.

what i mean is this. physical attraction played a big part in my attachment to xuBPDgf as well. and for four years i literally trained myself to only have eyes for her, out of respect for our r/s. so it was very hard shedding this bad case of "one-itis". however, when i finally got my head on straight i started to question everything about what i found attractive. what i decided for myself was this--i was currently seeing a healthy woman who treated me nicely. so, if i was capable of caring for the beast of a woman my xBPDgf was then i for damn sure could show love and respect to the person i was with who respected me (and herself, very much).

first, i swore off any and all contact with exBPDgf as this had already caused issues for me. there was no way in hell i was going to hurt my new gf again due to my own issues with the ex. so ex got cut off.

then, i decided that i would align my actions with how the woman i was seeing treated me. i was attracted to her, and sex was off the charts, but alas i was still dealing with some of the aftermath of aforementioned one-itis-ness. so the more respectful and nice my current gf was, i gave it back to her in droves (at least tried my best). all the sweet sht i wished i could do for the undeserving ex, i poured this into my new r/s. so i just pushed forward and didn't allow myself to succumb to the "what could have-beens" with the old bag, and converted these drowned dreams into a reality with my current gf. i always wanted to go to a particular national state park with ex, but she was too stupid so we never went. so, i went with gf and had a blast. i missed making home cooked meals and sharing them with someone, so my new gf got a personal chef maybe once a week. for some reason my ex hated going to movie theaters, so me and new gf would do the old school movie night with popcorn and kissing that i was missing out on... .

and with this gf i remember saying to myself at first "oh, i like her a lot... .but i'm not falling in love... ." >> BULL&^%$! I totally fell in love with her after a couple more months together. and it was restorative. and it was healthy.

underlying all of this was my belief that i needed to be responsible with my love. i have a lot to give but not enough to dump down a bottomless pit of ungratefulness. i'd rather live wounded and righteous than be wounded whilst longing for a trollop. give me pain, anger, depression and freedom any day over pain, anger, depression and me being an orbiter and enabler to some mentally disordered person. that's just the line i drew in the sand. i remember i used to have these rolling depressions that would creep up and last a few days at a time. and i remember one time becoming aware i was depressed (i wouldn't become aware until after a couple of days wondering why i was eating take out and watching Netflix all day and i just told anger and depression, you know what? you can kiss my ass honestly. i've done this before. you keep visiting me but i've done this before and i know i'll be fine if i waste enough time--is this all you got? because i'm not changing a damn thing and i'm not going back to that craziness. i can survive *years* on take out and Netflix you idiots! just try me! ... .but of course, all of this started to go away and happen less frequently.

i digress, but back to my original point of falling in love with someone else. question your motives, challenge what you find attractive. just as we know we have to judge our exes by their actions and behaviors, on the same token judge the next person you are with who treats you well and reflect their wholesomeness.

she was young and hot and exciting. but, that's really all she has going for her. so that's all you have to really address within yourself. devalue your need for this. reevaluate your attraction and attachments, and challenge them. try giving only to those who give back to you what feels right, just for a while as an experiment. and i think for me it's bringing me closer to finding what i really want.

[LettingGo14]

underlying all of this was my belief that i needed to be responsible with my love. i have a lot to give but not enough to dump down a bottomless pit of ungratefulness. i'd rather live wounded and righteous than be wounded whilst longing for a trollop. give me pain, anger, depression and freedom any day over pain, anger, depression and me being an orbiter and enabler to some mentally disordered person. that's just the line i drew in the sand. i remember i used to have these rolling depressions that would creep up and last a few days at a time. and i remember one time becoming aware i was depressed (i wouldn't become aware until after a couple of days wondering why i was eating take out and watching Netflix all day and i just told anger and depression, you know what? you can kiss my ass honestly. i've done this before. you keep visiting me but i've done this before and i know i'll be fine if i waste enough time--is this all you got? because i'm not changing a damn thing and i'm not going back to that craziness. i can survive *years* on take out and Netflix you idiots! just try me! ... .but of course, all of this started to go away and happen less frequently.

Goldylamont -- thank you for writing this.  This is the hard, grinding, day-to-day work of recovery.  Your awareness of your internal state, and your willingness to accept it, hold it, and confront it is a factor of recovery that cannot be understated.  Indeed, I think it's the engine of recovery.

Split --  I'm glad you have distance.   The old zen saying applies, "Fall down 53 times, pick yourself up 54."

[Split black]

underlying all of this was my belief that i needed to be responsible with my love. i have a lot to give but not enough to dump down a bottomless pit of ungratefulness. i'd rather live wounded and righteous than be wounded whilst longing for a trollop. give me pain, anger, depression and freedom any day over pain, anger, depression and me being an orbiter and enabler to some mentally disordered person. that's just the line i drew in the sand. i remember i used to have these rolling depressions that would creep up and last a few days at a time.


she was young and hot and exciting. but, that's really all she has going for her. so that's all you have to really address within yourself. devalue your need for this. reevaluate your attraction and attachments, and challenge them. try giving only to those who give back to you what feels right, just for a while as an experiment. and i think for me it's bringing me closer to finding what i really want.

Ungrateful... .and me a total orbiter and enabler to someone that has the attention span of a butterfly.  And im old enough to realize that her being young and hot was more a reflection of my own loss of youth... .and trying to find love with someone just hard wired to suffer thru life using and abusing an endless supply of beta chumps... .a group im now a member of.

Im depressed. And I usually never succumb to it. Ive always responded to the challenge and faced life's adversity head on. This adventure... .the sex bombing, her path to oblivion via copious amounts of substances and drinking, the relentless come here go away, having to endure ridiculous criticisms, from awesome to an aging skin bag in her eyes ( after Ive helped her out each month of course)  This last tryst, last week, she grabbed my cell phone and saw numbers from women, she accused me of being a liar and that she didn't trust me, ... .  I said show me yours, to which she said ___ off, Im in my 20's and single, and I don't care who is on your phone ( unreal)   ... . Ive had friends over the decades that have not survived... .I see it in her. Shes killing herself but thinks shes invincible. I tried and tried to help her out. In the beginning when she was enamored with me she would listen. Now I just annoy her and she tells me to stop being her father ... .( she spent her first 7 years in various foster homes. Her birth mother tracked her down and continually asks her for money via facebook... .sick)

Anyway whats the point in ruminating... .Im here, shes there... .and shes very much preoccupied. Im joining a local golf club, just joined a great gym... . new career is enjoyable and very interesting. My young son is here and Im spending days after school on the beach teaching him how to surf... .his mother and I are going to dinner and a movie on the weekend... .and the opportunity to live with them again.

I appreciate your experience and thank you for sharing it with me.

[Split black]

Split --  I'm glad you have distance.   The old zen saying applies, "Fall down 53 times, pick yourself up 54."

Yes, reminds me of something a 70's tennis champ said after a match, Vitas Gerulaitis said... ."And let that be a lesson to you all. Nobody beats Vitas Gerulaitis 17 times in a row."

    – after beating Jimmy Connors at the January 1980 Masters. Gerulaitis had lost their previous 16 matches.

So shes not going to knock me down 54 times!

[freedom33]

give me pain, anger, depression and freedom any day over pain, anger, depression and me being an orbiter and enabler to some mentally disordered person.

Well said!

We can overcome anything as long as there is hope and trust and free will. Being with a pwBPD is imprisonment - you are captured, chained and brainwashed to a state of learned helplesness. A promethean punishment.

[Split black]

give me pain, anger, depression and freedom any day over pain, anger, depression and me being an orbiter and enabler to some mentally disordered person.

Well said!

We can overcome anything as long as there is hope and trust and free will. Being with a pwBPD is imprisonment - you are captured, chained and brainwashed to a state of learned helplesness. A promethean punishment.

More true a sentiment there is none. It feels like instead of my liver being eaten while chained to a rock just to regenerate every day... .its my Will, soul, and mind... .with every recycle... folks... .it doesn't ever get better, like ever, and I have yet to read one post from the thousand on this board where two people live happily ever after... .and while the sex is sometimes great, it isn't always... .and the price, the cost you pay is your SELF. In hind sight if I had known what was in store for me... .i would have walked after the first session... .which looking back is what it was... .a sexual session.  Shes a splinter in my mind... .one day at a time... .

[goldylamont]

give me pain, anger, depression and freedom any day over pain, anger, depression and me being an orbiter and enabler to some mentally disordered person.

Well said!

We can overcome anything as long as there is hope and trust and free will. Being with a pwBPD is imprisonment - you are captured, chained and brainwashed to a state of learned helplesness. A promethean punishment.

More true a sentiment there is none. It feels like instead of my liver being eaten while chained to a rock just to regenerate every day... .its my Will, soul, and mind... .with every recycle... folks... .it doesn't ever get better, like ever, and I have yet to read one post from the thousand on this board where two people live happily ever after... .and while the sex is sometimes great, it isn't always... .and the price, the cost you pay is your SELF. In hind sight if I had known what was in store for me... .i would have walked after the first session... .which looking back is what it was... .a sexual session.  Shes a splinter in my mind... .one day at a time... .

what has been working for me is diving into my fears, and it does get scary sometimes, but good scary. to get to my fear i look at my strongest attachments and then i imagine living a life without those attachments fulfilled... .then i ponder on how bad it actually would be? maybe that wouldn't be so bad? maybe not having this attachment at all would be good--or perhaps maybe all that's needed is that i need to make this attachment less important (rather than throw it all away).

this is embarrassing stuff. but here's some free flow pondering i do to explore my desires and fears for not quenching them: how important is it for me to have a very physically attractive woman (the 'hot' girl)? and by this i only mean my own personal preference not anyone else's. while still recognizing my idea of this is often shared. so, going in the opposite direction, what if for the rest of my life i never was with a woman meeting my current criteria of physical attractiveness. could i do this and be happy? how bad would it be to not have this? maybe it wouldn't be so bad. maybe i would be just fekking fine on my own or being with someone i was attracted to without putting so much emphasis on physical attraction. there is freedom here, more choices in partners, less stress of feeling i haven't obtained some stupid elusive goal. finding fulfillment in the moderate and soaking up the same, more happiness than the energy spent in constantly seeking.

the attachment is mine and mine only. i can say this about something i learned from my ex. she is able to fall in 'love' with someone even though to the outside (ignorant) bystander she would be way out of his league. in this case she doesn't really care what others think or how her attachment looks. because momma needs an attachment and compliance is a bit easier with someone a bit more malleable. ok, so i don't want it like this, i don't need or want this much control in a r/s. so i don't need to lower my standards so far just to have an attachment as i don't have such a deep need for one. i can be more patient and wait for a better opportunity--still, it does make me question how much power i'm giving into being with someone of a certain level of physical attraction. i think there's at least something to be gleaned from experiencing how physical attraction means so little to someone, even if the situation isn't one i would want to be in.

good sex i don't have to bend on though. i've been more than fulfilled with healthy women in this regard so i don't feel the need to question this.

i dunno. i just imagine being with a woman purely on how she makes me feel and less about how i'd feel by others looking at us. by writing this i feel like i'm making myself vulnerable to criticisms of being shallow. i really don't feel like i am, i don't think my friends or exes think this of me. still, i think i need to challenge this attachment in me for some reason. i don't have to give up all of my attachment but i'm at a stage right now where i'm questioning how much freedom i am giving up by having it. at the same time i respect and actually enjoy my tendency to want to be surrounded by beauty. i don't need to throw it all out. i know there is no answer. and balance is the only reality. somehow repeatedly thinking over it i think brings me closer to my truth of what this balance is, for me.

[tired-of-it-all]

I know this is tough; however, No Contact Is The Answer. Fill your mind and time with things and people that are good for you and good to you. Move on. It is painful but if you put one foot in front of the other, you eventually walk away from the hell.

[tim_tom]

Ungrateful... .and me a total orbiter and enabler to someone that has the attention span of a butterfly.  And im old enough to realize that her being young and hot was more a reflection of my own loss of youth... .and trying to find love with someone just hard wired to suffer thru life using and abusing an endless supply of beta chumps... .a group im now a member of.

if you don't mind, what was the age difference? Mine was over 10 years, me late 30's her middle/late 20's. Seems like I see this a lot on here

[myself]

the attachment is mine and mine only.

Really good posts, Goldy. The quote above sums it up for me. Where I am is what's left over from such intensity, such supposed closeness, and so much promise. It's what I feel, where I am. Doesn't matter if anyone else even knows about it. I saw things the way I saw them, feel them in the way only I feel them. The ways I connected to her were the ways I connected to her. The ways I'm still hooked are mine to deal with. The ways I've already detached are very personal. She and I together were never really "one". That was mostly a dream, a lie, trying to make the puzzle pieces fit when it wasn't naturally possible. It's inspiring to see that others have made it through their mazes, and continue doing so. Thank you. Hopefully more of us will.

[Split black]

give me pain, anger, depression and freedom any day over pain, anger, depression and me being an orbiter and enabler to some mentally disordered person.

Well said!

We can overcome anything as long as there is hope and trust and free will. Being with a pwBPD is imprisonment - you are captured, chained and brainwashed to a state of learned helplesness. A promethean punishment.

More true a sentiment there is none. It feels like instead of my liver being eaten while chained to a rock just to regenerate every day... .its my Will, soul, and mind... .with every recycle... folks... .it doesn't ever get better, like ever, and I have yet to read one post from the thousand on this board where two people live happily ever after... .and while the sex is sometimes great, it isn't always... .and the price, the cost you pay is your SELF. In hind sight if I had known what was in store for me... .i would have walked after the first session... .which looking back is what it was... .a sexual session.  Shes a splinter in my mind... .one day at a time... .

: how important is it for me to have a very physically attractive woman (the 'hot' girl)? and by this i only mean my own personal preference not anyone else's. while still recognizing my idea of this is often shared. so, going in the opposite direction, what if for the rest of my life i never was with a woman meeting my current criteria of physical attractiveness. could i do this and be happy? how bad would it be to not have this? maybe it wouldn't be so bad.

. at the same time i respect and actually enjoy my tendency to want to be surrounded by beauty. i don't need to throw it all out. i know there is no answer. and balance is the only reality. somehow repeatedly thinking over it i think brings me closer to my truth of what this balance is, for me.

This has been a huge problem for me, If I was brutally honest I lose my sexual appetite with women that don't fit my own personal twisted criteria. Its pathetically shallow. Its painfully narcissistic. My BPD isn't perfect... .and she has flaws (  not many) ... .but I don't see them like I do with other women that Ive ended relationships with... .or just didn't allow relationships. Her combination of rejection, and needing me had my ego bouncing like I was on a trampoline. Ive never walked on egg shells with anyone... .ever... .until now... .I would bite my tongue till i drew blood for fear she would ruin the night or day or whatever we were doing... .and ultimately withhold sex. I became as crazy as she is.

Ultimately it is all about balance.

[Split black]

I know this is tough; however, No Contact Is The Answer. Fill your mind and time with things and people that are good for you and good to you. Move on. It is painful but if you put one foot in front of the other, you eventually walk away from the hell.

My longest period of NC was from last Jan until mid April... .  it was brutal. She reached out a couple of times. I ignored it... .then I couldn't. Then she lashed out and went on a smear campaign. Then we hooked up again... .then NC... .then another hook up... .all driven by a desperate predicament, like cant pay rent... .or owed some drug dealer money. Im the only idiot in her rotation that gave her cash, to help her, enable her... .all her other exes or whomever wouldn't or she wouldn't ask. That made me somewhat valuable to keep around. She could not care less about me unless she needed something... .and I would suffer anything after awhile to be intimate with her... .such is the hold she has/had on me. Ive been banished and recycled at least 7 or 8 times in the past year and 3 months.

[Split black]

Ungrateful... .and me a total orbiter and enabler to someone that has the attention span of a butterfly.  And im old enough to realize that her being young and hot was more a reflection of my own loss of youth... .and trying to find love with someone just hard wired to suffer thru life using and abusing an endless supply of beta chumps... .a group im now a member of.

if you don't mind, what was the age difference? Mine was over 10 years, me late 30's her middle/late 20's. Seems like I see this a lot on here

Shes 26... .  Im... .older then dirt.

[Split black]

And just like that... .I had my cell turned off last night. This morning I looked at it. Two texts from her... Not how are you doing... .not I miss you... .  one said "how would you like to western union me some money".  Four hours later she said... ."its getting cold I need some new boots"

Those texts were VERY sobering. But it fits the pattern... .in the past... .in my post traumatic stress disordered mind I would twist that into thinking it was her way of reaching out and telling me she missed me. Im actually shaking my head and laughing.

Does she really actually think I would wire her money?  Probably... . 

[tim_tom]

And just like that... .I had my cell turned off last night. This morning I looked at it. Two texts from her... Not how are you doing... .not I miss you... . one said "how would you like to western union me some money".  Four hours later she said... ."its getting cold I need some new boots"

Those texts were VERY sobering. But it fits the pattern... .in the past... .in my post traumatic stress disordered mind I would twist that into thinking it was her way of reaching out and telling me she missed me. Im actually shaking my head and laughing.

Does she really actually think I would wire her money?  Probably... . 

Yeah, that is bad and very transparent. Shows how she views you at the moment. Disgusting really. I guess I should be glad mine has folks with money to spoil her, or I'd be getting the same.


I am sorry you are going through this

[Infared]

And just like that... .I had my cell turned off last night. This morning I looked at it. Two texts from her... Not how are you doing... .not I miss you... .  one said "how would you like to western union me some money".  Four hours later she said... ."its getting cold I need some new boots"

Those texts were VERY sobering. But it fits the pattern... .in the past... .in my post traumatic stress disordered mind I would twist that into thinking it was her way of reaching out and telling me she missed me. Im actually shaking my head and laughing.

Does she really actually think I would wire her money?  Probably... . 

for boots? LOL. What a selfish B(word).

[Split black]

And just like that... .I had my cell turned off last night. This morning I looked at it. Two texts from her... Not how are you doing... .not I miss you... .  one said "how would you like to western union me some money".  Four hours later she said... ."its getting cold I need some new boots"

Those texts were VERY sobering. But it fits the pattern... .in the past... .in my post traumatic stress disordered mind I would twist that into thinking it was her way of reaching out and telling me she missed me. Im actually shaking my head and laughing.

Does she really actually think I would wire her money?  Probably... . 

for boots? LOL. What a selfish B(word).

Yes, boots. Oh and later today... .several more texts and two calls I didn't answer... .to be texted " this is a rare occurrence, be assured I wont call you again"   Followed by more texts telling me not to ask her to come for a vacation because she never will and doesn't know why shes bothering texting... . huh? .  I finally responded... .told her I went surfing today with my son... .ignored her inane other texts and changed the subject... . she texted back... . " great, Im bored"   Well... .at least Im thousands of miles away and the contact is very low... . and I feel a bit better each day... .Withdrawal gets just a little easier.

[goldylamont]

Yes, boots. Oh and later today... .several more texts and two calls I didn't answer... .to be texted " this is a rare occurrence, be assured I wont call you again"   Followed by more texts telling me not to ask her to come for a vacation because she never will and doesn't know why shes bothering texting... . huh? .  I finally responded... .told her I went surfing today with my son... .ignored her inane other texts and changed the subject... . she texted back... . " great, Im bored"   Well... .at least Im thousands of miles away and the contact is very low... . and I feel a bit better each day... .Withdrawal gets just a little easier.

it's possible that even the request for money and boots was sent more to get on your nerves or devalue you... .who knows, maybe she thought it would work. the other stuff about her not coming to visit you, etc, to me it's pretty obvious this is a threat. she knows she controls things through sex and (false) companionship so she's threatening you by withdrawing this if you don't comply.

below i will leave you a fantasy response that i would text back; in a perfect world with infallible strength... .basically i don't know if i'd actually have the balls to do it but you know... .

>> you seem angry about something. the next time you contact me, you need to have a better attitude. i'm taking some time for myself so i'm going to block your number for 4 days. if after this time, and only if you are in a good mood, then i may respond. if you don't feel like talking after 4 days, that's on you. bye.

 que huevos grandes

[Infared]

Split black, I think that you need to turn off your phone and go surfing with your son more often... .oh... .and you don't need to tell her anything.