I need help trying to locate resources

[habitat]

I am finding it so depressing to see that 87 people will read a post, while only THREE people will comment.  If we are here for help, support and guidance, WHERE IS IT?  I truly appreciate the comments those three people have made, but I'm worn out and exhausted.  Surely someone out there has some experience with SPECIFIC resources available to help with this situation.  I've no experience researching the subject, but I've spent HOURS and come up empty.  I NEED HELP.

Re my previous post, I cannot enter into a situation where I am the sole financial support of my Mother who refuses to believe she has BPD.  I have been no contact with her for 17 months, and CAN'T reestablish any sort of communication with her.  At the same time, she has nowhere to go, $1000/mth in social security, and I am feeling OVERWHELMED and torn between doing the "right" thing by trying to help her financially to at least have a roof over her head, versus continuing to "feed the dragon" by continuing to support someone who has shown NO progress, DOESN'T even acknowledge the obvious pattern of going through people like pieces of gum, and who can still reap emotional havoc on me if there is any sort of contact whatsoever.

I NEED HELP.  

I have TRIED to find ANY resources I can in her city in TX.  I have come up with NOTHING.  Texas received a grade of ":)" for mental health resources, as well as resources for the aging.  

IS THERE ANYONE OUT THERE THAT CAN HELP ME with a contact number? SOME agency that I can call?  

I have had the overwhelming instinct to absolutely NOT be alone with my Mother ANYTIME, especially when having any type of discussion about her welfare, treatment or support.  I just can't argue with someone who accepts no responsibility for her actions, and who has no other weapon than to try manipulating every situation by throwing herself into such an emotional state that communication becomes impossible.  The BPD "victim" role rears it's ugly head each and every time.

I NEED HELP TRYING TO LOCATE RESOURCES.  PLEASE.

[Harri]

Hi habitat.  It sounds like you are feeling pulled to take some kind of action here.  I am not familiar with services in Austin.  I did do a search on elder services in austin tx and came across this pdf: www.agingservicescouncil.org/documents/ASC_Agencies_2014ServicesMatrix.pdf

It is not clear from your post if you did online searches or actually phoned the various agencies to speak with a real human    If you have not done the latter, I strongly suggest you call and keep calling places until you come across someone who is willing to help (I don't think it will take that many calls either!)  At this point you would just be finding out what, if anything, is available for your mom.  Once you find that out, you will know if you have some type of support from the agencies and then you can decide if you want to be more directly involved.  Right now, I imagine the stress and anxiety must be at least partly due to the fact that so much is still unknown.  Take the 'unknown' out of the equation and hopefully stress levels will decrese.

I wish i could be of more help. 

The first link specifically states help for elders who self-neglect, which is how I would approach your situation.  Look up each service and make calls and see if someone in Austin who is familiar with the states programs and resources can offer a suggestion.  I would make it clear that you had helped in the past but due to her abusive and damaging behaviors, you are unwilling and unable to be directly involved in her care.  

Other potential options would be to call the police and possibly have her picked up for vagrancy, though I would research that thoroughly before doing so.  

BTW, I was on a mobil last night when I read your post and was not in a position to reply.  I think I had to click on the link at least 4 times to resize and whatnot, so the actual read count is a bit lower that it appears.    

[yogibear60]

Call the Dept of health and human services for the state of TX.  Ask for the resources, ask for the agency that handles elder issues.  There are also private case management agencies who handle adults.  I found a case manager for my mother by doing an internet search.  I called a home health care service.  I asked them for recommendations and they gave me the name of the case management service.  I tapped in on the knowledge of services that I knew worked with the elderly and picked their brains until I found the service that I needed.

[yogibear60]

I was a little shocked at your statement about the lack of services in your area.  I did a quick net search.  I found  this site:

www.capcog.org/divisions/area-agency-on-aging/

I also found so many more options than I had in North East.  I just kept at it.

I sorry that you feel that having only three people respond was Insufficient  for your liking.    I am one of those three.  Needless to say I wouldn't be back

[HappyChappy]

Hi

Just posting to give you moral support. Sounds like you have identified it’s not good for your health to deal with your BPD issues. I share you exasperation over the fact BPD just don’t and won’t change.  Your mom is unlikely to ever accept she has BPD or change her behavior.

But in addition to the links to support in Texas others have given (I’m not from America) have you considered getting support for yourself ? Not sure any child can escape unscathed if reared by a BPD. You do sound understandably frustrated.

You should never do anything for a BPD, that they can’t do themselves. Is your BPD incapacitated in some way? Is she not able to dial a phone number?  If you don’t plug your mom into social services, would someone else not do this? 

[jmanvo2015]

Hi Habitat,

I am just here to give you moral support because I don't know anything about Austin, or about finding resources to help your aging BPD mother.

I'm in a situation right now where, at 45, I've had to return home to live with my undiagnosed BPD/NPD mother and NPD stepfather.  It has been very difficult for me.  I have finally had to come to the realization that I need to practice "radical acceptance" in relation to both of them.  I just have to accept the constant criticisms and put downs and try very hard to focus on what's good.  For me, there is still good in both of them.  They are both very responsible, financially responsible and generous.  However, I have finally realized that they will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, be able to give me the acceptance, unconditional love, encouragement and true intimacy that all human beings need for happiness.  And, further, their behaviors and words will always undermine my self-esteem and erode my self-efficacy.

So, when you say you don't want your mother, who doesn't acknowledge her illness the same way mine doesn't, to live with you - I can really understand!   

I am hoping that this situation will work out for you, but yes, if the worst-case scenario happens and you must take your mother in because the only other option is for her to live on the street, then I hope as someone above me recommended that you will find support for yourself.  I have been getting great help from this board and also from attending meetings for Adult Children of Alcoholics.  They don't just support people that had alcoholic parents but also "children of dysfunction" and many people in the group also had BPD parents and relate well to what I share.  Another good group is Codependents Anonymous because many of us with BPD parents have codependency issues.

[P.F.Change]

Hi, habitat,

I really hear you when you say you're feeling worn out, overwhelmed, and exhausted. So many people here have felt that way when dealing with our parents who have BPD, myself included. It can be really hard to decide what to do when we care what happens to them and also need to make sure we're taking care of ourselves.

I can understand you're frustrated; still, this board is not set up with a database of social services resources. And many times people won't reply if they don't feel they have a relevant answer--and that is okay. You have gotten a couple of responses from people who went out of their way to do a web search for you anyway.  Have you also tried dialing 3-1-1? They are up-to-date on resources and local nonprofits that might be able to help you.

Nothing says you have to rescue your mother personally. I think HappyChappy is right that it's important to let people come up with their own solutions and not do things for them that they can do for themselves. It sounds like you also want to continue maintaining some emotional distance from your mother. What do you think of yogibear60's suggestion about putting her in touch with social services so that she can get the guidance she needs?

How are you taking care of yourself? Are you able to mentally take a few days off so that you can really recover from your surgery? Sometimes I tell myself things like, "I don't have to solve this problem right now. I will think about it on [Day]. In the meantime I am going to look after myself." Do you think this might be a time to check back in with your therapist?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[habitat]

Thank you all for your responses, suggestions and resources.  I dropped off the grid for a few weeks because I just couldn't handle thinking about this any longer. 

I have chosen to not respond at all to my Mother's call.  I realized that I closed the door 17 months ago to this relationship, and the fact that she decided to ring the bell doesn't mean I have to answer.  Funny how we're all programmed to jump in and try to solve whatever crisis there may be just to feel like we've "done the right thing."  It isn't about getting validation for doing the right thing anymore.  I've realized that nothing I've ever done has been "enough," and while I may feel some remorse about my Mom living in ways I would rather she not have to live, anything I do would simply expose me to additional suffering. 

I think back on all of the times in my life that I moved heaven and earth to make her happy, anticipate her needs, and try to make up for whatever was lacking in her life.  I felt uplifted and appreciated at the moment, but I've always only been as good as my last good deed.  The fact is that I CAN'T make up for whatever she lacks, and it's high time I plant my feet firmly, stop trying, and maintain no contact.  I will have regrets and remorse regardless.  The only way to minimize the effects of those regrets and remorse is to take comfort in the fact that I did the best I could, and that in the end, I chose to take care of myself. 

It's really about survival, self preservation and nurturing the child she abandoned in favor of her own self preservation a long time ago. 

Thanks again.

[Jema]

Hi habitat,

I am in a similar position as you. I am 53 yrs. old (planning for life's next frontier) and my uBPDm has serious financial issues due to her own very poor decisions and lack of planning. We have been NC since she walked out of our T session a few months ago. I have made it clear to her that I am only willing to deal with her through T. (Recently, she started a [victim/villain] disinformation campaign against me with her friends--so now I get e-mails from them imploring me to treat her better... .)

NC has been great for me and my wife. Still, I am ever vigilant for FOG, and I am trying to stay focused on the fact that I cannot and will not be responsible for M's sorry, self-imposed situation.

So I know how difficult it can be to stay unconnected. In my last few solo T sessions, T repeated very often that everyone has a responsibility to ensure their own soul's tranquility. This should always come first. She also stated that enforcing boundaries is prerequisite to such, and so, is of prime importance.

These boundaries were the major conflict in our joint T sessions. I am fortunate that T was unwilling to compromise on that. But, M was unwilling to compromise on that or anything else, so she made the choice to exit.

Hope you (and all others in NC) can hang in there and take care of your "self" first.  Let's all do it together... .


Cheers,

Jema