Ex BPDbf broke NC via online dating site

[RedDove]

Well it happened, my ex BPDbf broke NC. Honestly, after not hearing from him on my birthday a week ago, I thought I never would hear from him again. I blocked him on my phone, email and Facebook.

Through the urging and support of my friends, I decided to join an unpaid online dating site. I feel I'm in a better place now understanding about BPD, my FOO issues, and why I was attracted to my ex BPDbf. Also wanted to join the land of the living again. Thought I'd at least give it a try to get out and at a minimum, begin meeting new people. My best friend helped develop my online Profile and photos.

This morning I logged onto my online dating account and received a message from my ex BPDbf. He showed up as an Ultra Match  . When I discovered his cheating and lies back in June, this is the very same dating site he revealed he had a "hidden" profile and met the OW he was cheating on me with for 1-2 months prior to me ending our encounter and initiating NC. so obviously after 4 months (magic BPD encounter number) he's devalued &discarded the other woman. OR, more likely scenario, deceiving and cheating on her.

Here's the message: "Holy ___, what a great profile! And your pictures are absolutely gorgeous! You're going to get scooped up so fast! Well I'm giving this one more try, obviously, LOL! Wish me luck!"

Seriously, wish him luck? After how deeply he hurt me? Wish him luck to go and destroy yet another innocent soul! I wish I could put a "warning label" on his online dating Profile!    And the cavalier tone clearly shows he dissociated and really just has no clue how he demolished my heart and treated me with cruelty and contempt! This just really confirms for me without question, without a doubt (if I still harbored any) that he is borderline!

BTW, everyone here was right! Just when you begin thinking you are doing well and the FOG and clouds are lifting, they have some sort of "sixth sense" and reappear.

[RedDove]

P.S. I need some encouragement and support to be strong and not respond to him and break NC. Thanks!

[walksoftly]

Well, mine was on a dating site, was looking for potential partners and finally found one while she was married to me.

I saw her on a dating site(the same one I was on) this was while she was with her new partner.

You are normal. You have normal emotional attachments to this person who you used to love, maybe still do.

Think about this: Do you think his actions are normal? Do you think his actions represent some sort of empathy or real consideration for your feelings? If you find his actions confusing then you are dealing with someone who may be emotionally immature or maybe a mental illness.

Its normal to feel conflicted - stay no contact.

[tim_tom]

P.S. I need some encouragement and support to be strong and not respond to him and break NC. Thanks!

yes... that message was completely insensitive and self centered. It should only make you more convinced that this jerk is not the person for you.

Nothing good will come of responding, I promise you that. You'll only get sucked back in deeper

[Mr gaga]

Mine found a way to email me a few months ago and when I told her to leave me alone, she replied saying she didn't send me anything and that I need to move on and I was losing my mind. I had the email in my inbox with the time it was sent and the time I received it and she told me she didn't send me anything. I really hate that girl  

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

Please don't be tempted.  It is all about control to them.  NC keeps the control in your hands and IMHO they really don't like that at all.  My exuBPDgf pleaded for me to break NC saying her kids really wanted to see me.  Ofcourse as soon I suggested a meet up with kids present she quickly backtracked.  Keep control in your hands.  Keep your self esteem intact.

[Compassion14]

Hi Red dove,

Your subject title says it all - you are trying to move on, he's contacting you on an online dating site - and as you say, being offensively flippant about the pain he's caused you.

My ex did the same one of the time we had broken up - I was moving on and he joined the same online site and started 'winking' and emailing me - moronic, emotionally unaware stuff trying to get my attention and distract me from dating others.

Just before we broke up for the LAST time (wippee!) recently, he sneaked onto my facebook page via my own sign in he had gotten hold of, read my private messages to and from all my friends (nothing I needed to worry about, but he say threats in everything), noted that I had a date last valentines from the online dating site and had been chatting about it to a friend privately on facebook - and he went in a huff? Started trying to challenge me on the fact that I'd had a date - to which I promptly reminded him that HE':) blown it 2 months prior and I was SINGLE at that point and perfectly within my rights to date whomever I wished. He still attempted to guilt trip me on it! Unbelievable!

I know it warms a little bit of your heart that he's  communicating and wants to be loved and have this person validate you, but... .he is ill. He is not going to be what you need him to be. He might scoop you up again, make you feel great for a while (if you're 'lucky' but the devaluation would just be waiting round the corner - guaranteed!

I understand it totally - I am still checking my phone, hoping my ex will communicate (though this is as much to do with the fact that he owes me thousands of pounds and I want him to come good and man up about it)... .but I get it. We are in pain and they have (temporarily) eased that in the past. But it is temporary... .and ultimately painful. Very painful.

Do you really want to do that to yourself?

Be strong - keep walking away from the madness. He doesn't deserve the gift that is you.

C14 x

[RedDove]

Thank you so much for your words of warning, support, encouragement and wisdom. It's only been 2+ months since I walked away and initiated NC. I've read everything (books, blogs, BPD family posts) I could get my hands on like a fiend for the last two months. I know everything you are all saying is true and deep down I really do understabd it (BPD). But, you all also know that when they break NC, it really pokes that still sensitive and open wound. It also brings the feelings and pain back up to the surface. I guess that means I still have some work to do on myself.

I'm posting my response to his message here, instead of sending it to him: "You are no longer a part of my life. You lost that priviledge. Get some professional help. Go back to therapy, work on your troubles and issues and stop hurting innocent souls."

[walksoftly]

When I realized my ex had BPD I told her to check into therapy... the response?  " ____ off idiot

[tim_tom]

When I realized my ex had BPD I told her to check into therapy... the response?  " ____ off idiot

wish the site had a like button, that made me literally laugh out loud

[RedDove]

Thanks Walksoftly and just like Tim Tom, it made me laugh a bit too! I needed to hear that, shook me back to BPD reality and gave me some humor in what happened.

His user I'd and tag line made me want to barf   as well. Are you ready for this? User ID: MyLooksWon'tScareYourDog! He was always texting me photos of himself. Gave me an 8 1/2 x 11 framed photo of himself on our 3rd date! Oh, yeah the profile tag line: "Guaranteed 5x more funny than your ex." He has "no" sense of humor! Wow, now that says it all, BPD=mentally ill!

[freedom33]

Hi Red dove - mine also broke contact again today in a spectacular way with a fb message that had everything... .sexual seduction, slight suicide threat and ending with expressing genuire care and generosity of heart along with her 'feelings' for me... .

It's here if you care to have a look... .https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=233705.0

I am massively triggered by her audacity. Seriously, though where do they find the nerve these people?

Speechless.

[freedom33]

His user I'd and tag line made me want to barf   as well. Are you ready for this? User ID: MyLooksWon'tScareYourDog! He was always texting me photos of himself. Gave me an 8 1/2 x 11 framed photo of himself on our 3rd date! Oh, yeah the profile tag line: "Guaranteed 5x more funny than your ex." He has "no" sense of humor! Wow, now that says it all, BPD=mentally ill!

He sounds like the biggest douche bag that has ever walked this year.

[RedDove]

Freedom, I'm sorry you received that FB message from your ex BPDgf today. You are exactly right, where do they find the nerve (=dissociation into their imaginary world where they are all "good". Ditto! I'm Speechless as well!

WOW, well I'm a bit old fashioned so can't bring myself to type it out. Lol! But, the Dbag comment just made me    ! Thanks, I so needed that!

[goldylamont]

hah! you guys are hilarity 

and RedDove, i think we all know the best response is no response  still, if i ever slipped up and gave any response i think it would be to agree with the idealization and shove it back in their face, . don't ever share how they were able to hurt you or your personal pain... .he'd love to hear this stuff. if i sent anything back, it would simply be:

"Thanks. I do look gorgeous, don't I!" 

[walksoftly]

Red Dove

If that made you laugh then I have a thousand more!

Thank-you for laughing too tom tom, because those comments did in fact hurt but seeing your reaction was great, thank-you.

Since my divorce from her Im a new man- I have more energy to care about other people- I was constantly involved in her drama and chaos-there was always something! I realize now that she needed chaos to keep her mind occupied. people with BPD are like chili, a little bit of this and a little bit of that; a bot f narcissism, traces of sociopathy, histrionics, etc.

Sociopaths are truly bored because they lack emotion. Imagine how you would feel if you couldnt feel love, guilt, have empathy, shyness, etc. The disordered individual must fill their days with external issues to make them feel alive. The emotions we feel can fill our minds our days our years.

So glad talking with you all here

[RedDove]

Yup, you are right responding would be giving him attention and revealing my pain would be his gain (of control). I do love you're idea of a response! Lol!

WalkSoftly, yup, been there, and done "with" that... .the drama, confusion, anxiety, stress and confusion of it all, oh my! Love the chili reference! Toxic and repulsive! I'm so glad to be rid of it. My life is so much calmer and drama free.

[freedom33]

"Thanks. I do look gorgeous, don't I!"  

This attitude reminded me my good old me before I met her and right after my first date with my ex. I wasn't that into her and she called me the morning after our first date. She was all happy and clingy and I said look I am recently out of a long relationship and I am not into anything serious. She said "what's up with me and threesomes?"     I am like 'what do you mean?' She says 'I always end up with guys that are just out of long relationships'   . Me: 'Hmmm - I don't know what to tell you about this probably something to take to your therapist, gotta go bye!'

I think that's the moment that she promised herself that she will capture me and then bring me down to my knees. She did later admit that that comment of mine completely pissed her off. Kind of insensitive of me which makes me proud at this point in life.

[Compassion14]

Red dove

Great response to him message. Make it your mantra!

"You lost that privilege."

Yes!

[walksoftly]

Almost two years now, I called my replacement and said what are you doing with my wife? He responded " I couldnt belive she went after me!" And yes, most people dont belive it either- hes not well liked and hes 12 years her senior- but what a weird response from the guy.

At the time I thought, theres no way this guys going to get away scot free-Im going to let him know that he played a big part in this deceit. Hes on his third messy divorce, has three kids under sixteen from two different marriages---wow! what a winner she picked!

I kept thinking he was better than I was- but realize now that any man that gets involved with a married woman isnt better ... .

[walksoftly]

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