Care to Read My ExBPDs Apology?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello BPD Family,

I'm feeling broken and lonely beyond words today.

I had finally hit a very strong stride and was loving starting to get some of my self confidence and resilience back.  Then NC was broken and what we exchanged via email this past weekend sent me over the edge.  20 steps back, at least.  When I reached for compassion and an apology about him allowing me to walk into the house months ago (I was still moving out) and finding him in bed with another woman, he wrote back that I ruined his lay and actually said, "Bravo".  I responded with insults and he responded with even worse.  After I thought it was all done, he sent me his version of an apology - minus the "I love you's" and "you're the best thing that ever happened to me…" etc etc. that were routinely the case over the years.  I was always expected to just get past his sick rages as if they never happened.  What he wrote this weekend was was deeply reminiscent of things he had said over the years that I forgave, soothed, and ultimately welcomed myself to being the recipient of over and over again.  I did know about his BPD while in the relationship, so I was able to read this latest email with such distinct clarity…and utter nausea…somehow more disgusted with myself than him. 

Here's what he wrote and I can't wait to hear what you have to say because I can't stop crying:

"One day I will stop losing my mind.  I am a psychopath.  I said some of the most hurtful things to you that a person can say.  I don't expect you to believe me but I'm being sincere.  My anxiety level goes up and I lose my mind.  It will never be ok.  I want to apologize for wasting 7 years of your life.  You could have had the family you always wanted and I took that away from you. If I could go back and do things all over I would have walked away before we ever got started because I knew you deserved so much better than me."

He mentions the family thing because I desired to have children but couldn't commit to moving forward with him due his irrational behavior and erratic ways.  It is bittersweet that I am moving forward, childless. 

Only you survivors of a BPD r/s will see the manipulation, lack of sincerity, and complete omission of a genuine "I'm sorry" within these words.  I've read many times over about their empty apologies and see it so clearly now.  Mind you, the email that was sent within hours of this one let me know that a document was dropped at my attorney's office for me to hurry and sign so he can access his annuity. 

[Hope0807]

Hello BPD Family,

I'm feeling broken and lonely beyond words today.

I had finally hit a very strong stride and was loving starting to get some of my self confidence and resilience back.  Then NC was broken and what we exchanged via email this past weekend sent me over the edge.  20 steps back, at least.  When I reached for compassion and an apology about him allowing me to walk into the house months ago (I was still moving out) and finding him in bed with another woman, he wrote back that I ruined his lay and actually said, "Bravo".  I responded with insults and he responded with even worse.  After I thought it was all done, he sent me his version of an apology - minus the "I love you's" and "you're the best thing that ever happened to me…" etc etc. that were routinely the case over the years.  I was always expected to just get past his sick rages as if they never happened.  What he wrote this weekend was was deeply reminiscent of things he had said over the years that I forgave, soothed, and ultimately welcomed myself to being the recipient of over and over again.  I did know about his BPD while in the relationship, so I was able to read this latest email with such distinct clarity…and utter nausea…somehow more disgusted with myself than him. 

Here's what he wrote and I can't wait to hear what you have to say because I can't stop crying:

"One day I will stop losing my mind.  I am a psychopath.  I said some of the most hurtful things to you that a person can say.  I don't expect you to believe me but I'm being sincere.  My anxiety level goes up and I lose my mind.  It will never be ok.  I want to apologize for wasting 7 years of your life.  You could have had the family you always wanted and I took that away from you. If I could go back and do things all over I would have walked away before we ever got started because I knew you deserved so much better than me."

He mentions the family thing because I desired to have children but couldn't commit to moving forward with him due his irrational behavior and erratic ways.  It is bittersweet that I am moving forward, childless. 

Only you survivors of a BPD r/s will see the manipulation, lack of sincerity, and complete omission of a genuine "I'm sorry" within these words.  I've read many times over about their empty apologies and see it so clearly now.  Mind you, the email that was sent within hours of this one let me know that a document was dropped at my attorney's office for me to hurry and sign so he can access his annuity. 

[tim_tom]

Very sorry that you are going through this and experienced a set back because of it. The note is a painful reminder of what he cost you, rather then an apology. I can empathize

I've learned NC is the best... .  in a game of emotional chicken, the BPD will win every single time against their mark

[Blimblam]

I think them recognizing tier behavior is the best they can do unless they got pretty far into treatment.

I'm sorry you had been through so much though.

[Infern0]

Wonderful.

Yes once again not an apology but a cry for sympathy of the kind it is very easy to fall for.

Disregard.

[Loveofhislife]

Hope--thank you for sharing this. I doubt I'll receive that much of an apology or that much self reflection from exbfBPD. Awesome that you didn't fall for it--shows you are progressing. With where I am, I would have fallen right into his trap.

[fromheeltoheal]

I don't expect you to believe me but I'm being sincere.

People who are being sincere don't have to tell you.  Buncha crap really, but you know him, and to me it does show a pretty good amount of self reflection and awareness, sans 'I'm sorry' and out of context, although you may see it as just carefully phrased manipulation.  My ex never uttered anything near that self-aware, but had she I would have assumed she just heard it somewhere and was parroting it and/or using it as part of an agenda.

Best to cry all the way when we cry, get it all out.  I'm sorry you're feeling broken and lonely.  Stay here and keep posting.  Take care of you!

[irishmarmot]

With my exBPD, her actions did not match up with her words.  For me the best gift she ever gave me was leaving for good.   And that is said without bitterness or anger. 

[Hope0807]

fromheeltoheal,

Thank you for that!  It's so true, and I've always known that people who feel the need to announce what/who they are regularly…are essentially searching and hoping for that truth to actually manifest.  The self-awareness you and a few others notice in his email is so much of what kept me hanging in for as long as I did.  After much prodding, he did visit a few professional over the years, each was short lived for one reason or another.  You might find this next bit quite interesting:  in the last year that he completely unraveled he found a local "Life Coach".  Just days before he found this life coach online and met with them in person his touching, tear-filled words to me were…"This isn't a Sarah problem, or a marriage problem, this is Max problem.  I have to get help once and for all for what I've been experiencing my whole life and fix me for good.  I cannot and will not lose the best thing that's ever happened to me because I can't control myself.  Please, please I beg of you to be patient and give me another chance."  HOW'S THAT FOR SELF-AWARE?

He was ELATED after meeting with this life coach.  Felt she and her wisdom were life altering…even compared her advice and views on life to that of my own and said how much I would love her approach to healing and wellness.  He brought home ginger root, starting putting chlorophyll drops in his water, and a wide variety of other extreme health options were being tossed into the mix with fervor.  All of those attempts were inconsistent.  Several months and visits later to this Life Coach, he began coming home with an unusually inflated sense of self demonstrated through increased amount of rages with heightened sensitivity, accusing me of wanting me to be his boss, and screaming the importance of his right to be SELFISH.  I'm shaking my head just writing and remembering what was going on.  So insane.  I also saw some recaps of sessions that the Life Coach sent him encouraging him to "step away from misery…"  "find peace in knowing that it's better to be alone that to be with someone who makes you miserable…" and SO MUCH MORE that left me with my jaw completely on the floor.  It was first sign that distortion of some kind was clearly taking shape.  In hindsight, This Life Coach and a few others who adored his mask were key components of the "triangulation".  Fast forward to the last few months, I've uncovered enough street & prescription drugs and hypodermic needles to supply a local clinic.  "BPD" has been actualized, and I am reeling more than I'm healing…but only barely some days.  I hope the tides shift toward much, much better days.  I want the shock of this all to wear off and let me be whole again.  I know I can't rush that process, but really wish I could.

I don't expect you to believe me but I'm being sincere.

People who are being sincere don't have to tell you.  Buncha crap really, but you know him, and to me it does show a pretty good amount of self reflection and awareness, sans 'I'm sorry' and out of context, although you may see it as just carefully phrased manipulation.  My ex never uttered anything near that self-aware, but had she I would have assumed she just heard it somewhere and was parroting it and/or using it as part of an agenda.

Best to cry all the way when we cry, get it all out.  I'm sorry you're feeling broken and lonely.  Stay here and keep posting.  Take care of you!

[crookedeuphoria]

Mine had that self aware thing going on too. He knew he was "crazy", he knew that he raged every time he "felt rejection" from me, he knew he had false thoughts, he knew he would go into a spin. It is most defintely what kept me hanging on so long. We talked about his issues endlessly. He never blamed me unless he was in a rage and even then it was sort of non specific. BUT. Self awareness is pretty meaningless unless you actually do something about it.

[JRav59]

I'm right there with you. If it makes you feel any better, this is the manipulative message I got from my ex:

"I will always be sad about us. And I will never forget anything we did together. No matter what happens, I'll never forget the love and how special you were to me. I'll always care about your family. I hope to see them again. And I hope to have you in my life. I will always love you. I'm happy your mom has Smooch (our dog)."

At first, I completely fell for this. It was everything I wanted to hear. That maybe she was really trying to better herself and heal. This after no contact for 2-3 months. My friend told me somethings up and she didn't hear any sincerity. Come to find out she's been in a relationship with some girl that she just met for the last 2+ months. Totally found another supplier. WHY CONTACT ME WITH THIS MESSAGE?

I was so sick and livid. I called her sick, a liar and a total manipulator to never contact me again. She responded by telling me I was being unreasonable and was just being crazy and mean. That I would regret saying those things. I have completely blocked her since that day. I have no remorse, but I feel sick to my stomach that she still has some control over me.

I feel your pain. This page helps so much and we will get through it. We showed ourselves that we are healing and unfortunately there are bumps along the way, but we know we can do this. We are survivors and growing stronge reach day! Big hugs!

[Hope0807]

JRav59,

Thanks for sharing your message.  My ex could have easily written it.  What's so incredibly bizarre is how clear it is now…and I'm hoping an indication that the clouds of darkness are beginning to shed light…and that is what your friend saw that WE wouldn't have in the past…"something's up" and that it lacked sincerity.  Whenever my ex sends me a message like that I'm now fully aware he's having his emotional flames quelled by a supplier in one form or another (a woman, a fan, drugs…) OR he needed or was gearing up to need something from me.  Manipulation, Insincerity.

I'm right there with you. If it makes you feel any better, this is the manipulative message I got from my ex:

"I will always be sad about us. And I will never forget anything we did together. No matter what happens, I'll never forget the love and how special you were to me. I'll always care about your family. I hope to see them again. And I hope to have you in my life. I will always love you. I'm happy your mom has Smooch (our dog)."

At first, I completely fell for this. It was everything I wanted to hear. That maybe she was really trying to better herself and heal. This after no contact for 2-3 months. My friend told me somethings up and she didn't hear any sincerity. Come to find out she's been in a relationship with some girl that she just met for the last 2+ months. Totally found another supplier. WHY CONTACT ME WITH THIS MESSAGE?

I was so sick and livid. I called her sick, a liar and a total manipulator to never contact me again. She responded by telling me I was being unreasonable and was just being crazy and mean. That I would regret saying those things. I have completely blocked her since that day. I have no remorse, but I feel sick to my stomach that she still has some control over me.

I feel your pain. This page helps so much and we will get through it. We showed ourselves that we are healing and unfortunately there are bumps along the way, but we know we can do this. We are survivors and growing stronge reach day! Big hugs!

[tim_tom]

I'm right there with you. If it makes you feel any better, this is the manipulative message I got from my ex:

"I will always be sad about us. And I will never forget anything we did together. No matter what happens, I'll never forget the love and how special you were to me. I'll always care about your family. I hope to see them again. And I hope to have you in my life. I will always love you. I'm happy your mom has Smooch (our dog)."

At first, I completely fell for this. It was everything I wanted to hear. That maybe she was really trying to better herself and heal. This after no contact for 2-3 months. My friend told me somethings up and she didn't hear any sincerity. Come to find out she's been in a relationship with some girl that she just met for the last 2+ months. Totally found another supplier. WHY CONTACT ME WITH THIS MESSAGE?

I was so sick and livid. I called her sick, a liar and a total manipulator to never contact me again. She responded by telling me I was being unreasonable and was just being crazy and mean. That I would regret saying those things. I have completely blocked her since that day. I have no remorse, but I feel sick to my stomach that she still has some control over me.

I feel your pain. This page helps so much and we will get through it. We showed ourselves that we are healing and unfortunately there are bumps along the way, but we know we can do this. We are survivors and growing stronge reach day! Big hugs!

Heh... i just got the same kind of message after 6 weeks of coldness.

[fromheeltoheal]

in the last year that he completely unraveled he found a local "Life Coach".  Just days before he found this life coach online and met with them in person his touching, tear-filled words to me were…"This isn't a Sarah problem, or a marriage problem, this is Max problem.  I have to get help once and for all for what I've been experiencing my whole life and fix me for good.  I cannot and will not lose the best thing that's ever happened to me because I can't control myself.  Please, please I beg of you to be patient and give me another chance."  HOW'S THAT FOR SELF-AWARE?

He was ELATED after meeting with this life coach.  Felt she and her wisdom were life altering…even compared her advice and views on life to that of my own and said how much I would love her approach to healing and wellness.  He brought home ginger root, starting putting chlorophyll drops in his water, and a wide variety of other extreme health options were being tossed into the mix with fervor.  All of those attempts were inconsistent.  Several months and visits later to this Life Coach, he began coming home with an unusually inflated sense of self demonstrated through increased amount of rages with heightened sensitivity, accusing me of wanting me to be his boss, and screaming the importance of his right to be SELFISH.  I'm shaking my head just writing and remembering what was going on.  So insane.  I also saw some recaps of sessions that the Life Coach sent him encouraging him to "step away from misery…"  "find peace in knowing that it's better to be alone that to be with someone who makes you miserable…" and SO MUCH MORE that left me with my jaw completely on the floor.  It was first sign that distortion of some kind was clearly taking shape.  In hindsight, This Life Coach and a few others who adored his mask were key components of the "triangulation".  Fast forward to the last few months, I've uncovered enough street & prescription drugs and hypodermic needles to supply a local clinic.  "BPD" has been actualized, and I am reeling more than I'm healing…but only barely some days.  I hope the tides shift toward much, much better days.  I want the shock of this all to wear off and let me be whole again.  I know I can't rush that process, but really wish I could.

Yeah, my ex did a lot of 'personal development' stuff too, and would always come away parroting the new 'wisdom' like she'd found the holy grail and all of her problems were solved, a converted disciple, along with a healthy dose of condescension because I just didn't 'know'.  Vomit.  I do give her credit though; at least she was trying to better her life when there're plenty of folks self-medicating in some bar.  And of course, one day she'll announce she's a 'couch', out to save the world, now there's scary.

So I can imagine what it must have been like with your ex.  "Life Couches" are in business to make money, primarily, usually have all the tools to 'empower' someone, and can be good; having a couch in your life, like pro athletes do, will usually increase your performance.  But what about when the couchee has a personality disorder?  Think about it: someone who earns money by pumping sunshine up someone's ass, combined with an expert mirrorer; I bet there was some true nirvana produced in that room, and of course anyone outside it was an infidel.  Problem is 'life couches' don't have any formal psychological training usually, so anything produced is surface, and can work for a while if it provides enough focus shift, but the underlying issue is never addressed; that takes years of intensive therapy.  And in your case it seems he turned to chemicals when the buzz wore off, no surprise.

But that's them.  We can benefit from life couching and therapy too, if we need or want it, at a minimum it will probably increase the quality of our lives, but first we need to stop the dysfunction, remove the dysfunctional influences, stop engaging and contributing to the dysfunction ourselves.  And the increased focus we get, motivated by the pain of these relationships, can be very beneficial, and is actually the gift of the whole ordeal; let's make tomorrow a whole lot more empowering than yesterday.  Take care of you!