Tips on forgiveness, letting go ?

[HappyChappy]

I’m finding it nigh impossible to forgive, what I perceive to be the gross injustices my BPDm and NPD actions towards me.  I was the scapegoat and my BPD & NPD were both very aggressive in their behaviour  . I still have bad PTSD.

I had taken the forgiveness approach with my NPD bro, and let him back into my life a few times (after serious pressure from my BPDm). But each time he used the access to do something quiet horrendous. He’s technically a Covert Nark, which means he plans his attacks to be well hidden. He’s the smiling assassin. I will be NC with him forever now, but I hope you can see my reticence to forgives. It allows them back in.

The only reason I need to forgive my BPD is that I want to re-connect with my dad and sis. But each time I think of this, I see myself battling with the false image my BPD projects of me and my family. Through my life I’ve kicked myself for always being by the book, straight and honest. I’m just no good a lying, which makes me ideal prey for a BPDm who bombards me with questions every time she gets access.

The advice I’ve had form my friends is that I’m too loyal and honest. They say if I were to lie then I would not get as angry when someone else lies to me. Then it would be easier to forgive. But that’s just not me (or am I lying ). Ironically the only historic heroes I have are Gandhi and Martyn Luther, and they’re both expert forgivers. So how do you forgive a BPD ? 

[jmanvo2015]

Morning HappyChappy,

I'm very sorry to hear that your family is such a source of pain and disappointment, and i understand.  I'm at the beginning of my journey learning about my mom's uPBD and stepfather and father's NPD.  I found this board about one week ago, read the information about BPD then looked up more online and all the lightbulbs began going off about my mom's behavior.

When you say, "I’m finding it nigh impossible to forgive, what I perceive to be the gross injustices my BPDm and NPD actions towards me." I can relate completely.  I have been the victim of my uPBDm and NPDd's bad behaviors for many years, and also likely suffer from PTSD.  I'm also painted a certain way in my FOO and nobody has ever believed how bad my parents are behind the curtain because they are an attractive and successful couple and we live in a world that judges people on surface appearances.  There has been no pain greater in my life than the lack of validation for the abuse.  So, I understand.

For me forgiveness comes in spurts.  My uPBDm is not all bad at all.  There's that other 50 percent that's great.  I mean, really great. When she's good she's my best friend, so that makes it easier for me to find forgiveness for when she's bad.  Does your BPD have any good qualities that you can focus on when you are having difficulty forgiving?  For me, with the NPDs it's a big tougher.  I have finally, after 35 years, really realized that my uNPD stepfather doesn't love me at all, not even a little.  In fact, not only doesn't he love me but he resents and dislikes me vehemently.  I don't know why.  I doubt I'll ever fully understand.  He loved my mother's mother and he loves my uncle, but with me, there's nothing but contempt.

So, I also struggle with forgiving my NPD stepdad.  I don't even know that it's about forgiveness any more.  There's just this deep shame that I have that is associated with my relationship with him that I work each day to let go of and realize that it's his shame projected onto me.  I am not sure if I'll ever be able to forgive, but I have finally come to a place of radical acceptance.  I have accepted that this man will never love or like me and that there's nothing I can do to change that.  And, further, that it's his loss.

With my biological NPD there are some saving graces.  He calls to check in on me.  He has flown me to where he lives with his new family.  He has moments that allow me to see humanity in him.

So, wow, forgiveness is a very tough topic. It's not clear to me if the BPDs and NPDs are parents or siblings. I once read a book by Wayne Dwyer called "My Greatest Teacher" about a man's struggle to forgive his alcoholic father - I think it may even have been about Dwyer's own father, but I can't recall. 

I don't have any advice for you but just wanted to tell you you're not alone in your struggle with forgiveness. 

[Harri]

HappyC!  Hello there 

I have a few questions for you if you don't mind.

Why do you "need to forgive" to be able to reconnect with your father and sister? 

I do not see how forgiving your mother and brother are requirements for a closer relationship with the rest of your family.  You would have to deal with them and be around them, but forgiveness is not required.   

But each time I think of this, I see myself battling with the false image my BPD projects of me and my family. Through my life I’ve kicked myself for always being by the book, straight and honest. I’m just no good a lying, which makes me ideal prey for a BPDm who bombards me with questions every time she gets access.

Then don't lie.  You can say things like :  I prefer not to discuss that with you.  That is personal and I do not feel comfortable sharing that with you.  While I am here, I would like to focus my attention on Dad so lets not talk about that right now.  There are a bunch of possibilities for deal with the bombardment of questions and nosiness.  If she flies off the handle and starts raging at you, you can say something like "I am going to leave and I will come back to visit with my father and sister when you can control yourself better" <--- and then run like hell!     Okay, not really, but I would be prepared to make a quick exit.  I would also have the first few interactions be by yourself and keep keys and phone on you.  I always felt better when I knew I could make a quick exit. 

Regarding her projections about you and your family, are you worried about what she will say to you or to others?  Her projections *are* lies, but the worst thing you can do is try to reason or defend yourself against them.  What helped me was to imagine a shield around myself so that when my moms projections came at me, I could see them bounce off and go back to her all the while telling myself "this is not about me.  She can't even see me.  I am seeing her own internal reality, not mine." etc.  You *can* try saying things like "stop speaking to me like that" "I do not deserve that" or whatever you feel is appropriate to your situation.

HappyC, I am still working on forgiveness.  It is something that comes in layers. For me it was important to realize that forgiveness is not about letting them back into my life, or opening myself to them as if they were family I actually liked.  I think sometimes forgiveness is a conscious choice.  It may be one I have to make every day or it may be that I have to remind myself to forgive every once in a while when my past starts to haunt me.

What do you think?

Oh, and Turkish has a thread on forgiveness and there are some quotes that may apply.  I have not had the head space to be able to concentrate enough to read them, but I thought I would mention them to you if you had not already seen the thread. 

[clljhns]

Hi HappyChappy,

I think you ask a reasonable question and one that everyone can relate to. I can tell you that I finally forgave my uBPDmom and uNPDdad after I made the decision to get emotionally healthy. I could see how revisiting past transgressions were keeping me caught in the past and unable to enjoy the present.

The only reason I need to forgive my BPD is that I want to re-connect with my dad and sis. But each time I think of this, I see myself battling with the false image my BPD projects of me and my family. Through my life I’ve kicked myself for always being by the book, straight and honest. I’m just no good a lying, which makes me ideal prey for a BPDm who bombards me with questions every time she gets access.

 

I was really intrigued by what you said here. Has there been a condition set by dad and sis that you cannot have contact with them unless there is also contact with mom and brother? Is there a possibility that you can meet with dad and sis without mom and brother? I can definitely understand you anticipating more drama and pain if you have an unhappy history with mom and brother. Is there the possibility that you feel guilty if you do not have contact with mom and brother in order to have a relationship with dad and sis? Could this guilt be what drives the feeling to forgive them?

What are your thoughts?

Peace and blessings.  

[HappyChappy]

clljhns (I hope I've spelt your name right. )

Has there been a condition set by dad and sis that you cannot have contact with them unless there is also contact with mom and brother?

Basically my BPD mom has always controled all communication. She steems other peoples letters open. When I've insisted I will only speak with my dad, she listens in on the phone extension etc... .When we complain she says "I'm worried, I have a right as your mother".

jmanvo2015 thank you for the validation. Harri great advice as always. I’ll hunt out the Turkish thread, maybe it’s a delight ? You also asked “Why do you "need to forgive" to be able to reconnect with your father and sister? “. Well because the book I read said you get eaten up if you don’t forgive. Also because I tend to fight rather than flight, and just know there’s no benefit in getting this all out on the table as my BPD won’t change. But that’s my impulse right now, to explain to my dad what happened when he wasn’t around – but he doesn’t want to believe it. He was hoodwinked back then, why would he believe it in his twilight years.

So any more tips on forgiveness ? For now I’ll use humour "How many BPD does it take to change a light blub ? Just one to hold the bulb, whilst the world revolves around them". Clearly I need more tips.

[clljhns]

HappyChappy,

For now I’ll use humour "How many BPD does it take to change a light blub ? Just one to hold the bulb, whilst the world revolves around them". Clearly I need more tips.

Love this! I laughed so hard when I read this. I really needed some humor today, so thank you!

What does it mean to forgive? I read somewhere that it is more important to forgive the self. I found this a really curious quote and spent a lot of time thinking about this. For me it meant that I had to stop being so hard on myself for the healthy choices I made. I was so caught up in the FOG, that I didn't separate myself from my FOO until I was almost 40. A lot of years of pain in those years. Years of believing that it was my obligation to my family that mattered and not me. I had to give myself permission to say I was a valuable person who deserved to be treated better and forgive myself for having feelings of anger towards them. So, forgiveness was more for me than for them. I don't hate them, nor do I wish them harm. But I do leave them to themselves in their unhappy place.

I will say that there is one person that I have never forgiven because he hurt my child. I don't offer forgiveness to anyone who hurts my child. Perhaps, it is you FOO who needs to ask for your forgiveness, and knowing it probably won't happen, puts in a frame of mind that you must forgive them. I am not sure if this makes sense, just some thoughts.

I hope today is a good day for you and that you find some peace.

Peace and blessings. 

[MyLifeNow]

I think the important thing is that forgiveness doesn't mean giving someone another opportunity to hurt you. It's about you and your feelings and learning to say, "I won't let you do this to me again because I know that you have a problem that is difficult to solve" rather than "I won't let you do this to me again because I hate you".

I'm NC with my uBPD father, but I've forgiven him. Mostly  There are times that memories about what I went through bubble up and create negative emotions when I dwell on them, but those don't affect how I react to him. I went through a few cycles of him ignoring my boundaries before I started LC, and NC came not from anger or hate but a simple recognition that he wasn't in a place where he wanted to change his life and that I couldn't change it for him. I set very clear conditions on contact starting again - he has to go to therapy, find out what is wrong (I didn't tell him about BPD, but I get the impression he's though he has bipolar for a long time) and start getting a handle on his emotional state. It isn't about how I feel. Just what needed to be done to protect myself and get the kind of life for myself that I want.

Every once in a while he tests those boundaries, often feeling like this is all because I'm holding on to anger. So I restate my reasons and the conditions for contact, and tell him that I do love him. Because I do.

[imataloss]

I struggle with the issue of forgiveness also. It would be easier to forgive my uBPD mother if her current words and behaviors didn't bring back memories (flashbacks?) of her past behaviors. Thankfully, at the age of 91 her extreme behaviors have tempered and occur less frequently. But that is probably due to the fact that I have LC with her. It's definitely easier to feel forgiveness when I'm not in her presence or haven't been around her for awhile. All it takes is an unpleasant encounter with her and I'm back at square one.

I've worked hard to establish boundaries with her, even though I feel guilty at times that the boundaries are there. I feel that complete forgiveness would make it difficult for me to maintain those boundaries, though I realize that doesn't need to be the case.

I've wondered if it will take her death, the ultimate in NC, to experience true and complete forgiveness. Or will I regret that I was unable to attain forgiveness while she was alive? I'd be interested in hearing from others whose pwBPD is deceased, as to how the BPD's death affected them. Did it bring a sense of relief and freedom, or has it led to more inner turmoil and guilt?

[Harri]

Hello imataloss!  Good to see you here again.  If you or someone starts a thread about forgiveness and dead BPD parents (I am sure there is better wording for that!)  I would be more than happy to chat with you and others about my experience.  (Haha, I do call my case the ultimate no contact situation!)  I will say here that all death does is prevent new episodes from damaging us.

I have been thinking about this thread a lot and I realized that I do not understand your definition of forgiveness HappyC.  What does it look and sound like to you?

[Harri]

I just came across this thread over at the Leaving: Detaching board.  there are some interesting responses that you may find helpful HappyC.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=233937.0;all

[sparrowfarfrom home]

My BPDM would say throughout my entire life," you need to apologize  to your (BPD) sister. You have hurt her so badly, bla bla bla bla bla.

I did so many many times, to get them off my back.

Did it help anything?   Nope.

Those 2 caused me unending pain and sorrow.

So,I think, forgiveness?

For me, there is acceptance. That they are  the sick ones and not me as they asserted.

How do you forgive a loathsome disease?

For me it's just about acceptance. Doesn't mean you endure their abuse,just that you get why they are acting that way.

It comes down to  whether  they  are responsible or not for what they do. Technically they are. Do they get that? No. Our boundary setting makes  them actually  see what is acceptable and what  is definitely  not.

I don't  forgive the sickness. BUT... .If I get a glimpse of the small fearful, enraged child within

them, I feel the urge to forgive.

Yet this only lasts until the next knife is stuck in your back

Then it goes back to acceptance.

They are changeable and so must I be.

I am a forgiving person to many  in my life. Interestingly, my sister does not forgive anyone.

[mywifecrazy]

This thread is very interesting and thought provoking for me. I'm struggling with what forgiveness means to me as it relates to my uBPDxw.

After reading all the posts above it came to me that forgiveness for me means (A) radical acceptance of who she is and (B) no longer letting her actions hurt me or make me angry.

(A) she has a mental illness... .BPD. There's nothing I could have done about it in the past and nothing I can do to prevent it in the present or future. It is what it is. She is who she is!

It doesn't mean that I put myself in situations to let her disorder hurt me. I still need to maintain my boundaries of extreme LC (Kids) to protect myself and keep my sanity.  I can't feel sorry for her to the point that I want to jump into the water to try to rescue her again

(b) I have to let go of her past actions (lies, cheating, distortion campaign about me). I can't let them hurt me anymore. I can't dwell on them. I can't use them as an excuse to harbor JUSTIFIABLE anger. I must give it all up to God and let him deal with it. I have to let it all go.

If I'm not able to let it go I will be stuck and forever controlled by her.

Forgiveness TRUELY is about US! How WE handle the past, present and future!

What a wonderful thread. Thanks for starting it.

MWC... . 

PS. How will you know when I've gotten to that place? ... .I will probably change my username