Tell me your Story in 1-2 paragraphs

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hey!  I've been reading hundreds of stories, many very similar to mine.  So similar that they feel like exact copies of my relationship in EVERYway.  I usually end up bookmarking them but by doing so, I now have about 30 bookmarks of random threads and stories!

I would love if you all could possibly tell me your story, in a summary.  Or Basically what happened to you with your BPDrelationship.  So it's easy to scroll and see everyones story and relate to it 1 at a time.

So whats your story?

[Algae]

Hey!  I've been reading hundreds of stories, many very similar to mine.  So similar that they feel like exact copies of my relationship in EVERYway.  I usually end up bookmarking them but by doing so, I now have about 30 bookmarks of random threads and stories!

I would love if you all could possibly tell me your story, in a summary.  Or Basically what happened to you with your BPDrelationship.  So it's easy to scroll and see everyones story and relate to it 1 at a time.

So whats your story?

[OutOfEgypt]

Ok, I'll bite.  Here's my attempt at rolling it all up into 2 paragraphs.

I was young, naive, and a virgin.  She came on like gangbusters and I was everything she always wanted.  She was my first and was so kind and understanding and the sex was amazing.  I noticed she always had screwed up relationships with family and that she couldn't get along with almost anybody at her job or at church.  But I always believed it was the other person.  I believed her.  She was only months (or a year) of our a relationship with a guy she almost married.  She told me he said she was 'insatiable.'  I learned over the next 14 years what that meant.

Once we tied the knot, nothing was ever good enough.  The sex wasn't good enough.  I didn't last long enough.  I wasn't learning fast enough.  I wasn't affectionate enough.  I wasn't holding her hand enough.  Meanwhile, she is supposed to be at home taking care of the kids (she had a child already, and we had our first together soon after married) while I work, but it wound up being that she would dump her responsibilities on anyone who lived with her.  My mom, then me, and then when we got older it was our teenage daughter, and still is to some degree.  She had many affairs, told me no woman would ever want me, and I spent years seeing probably 10 different counselors trying to "fix" myself to be what she wanted.  I felt like a deer in headlights, but I constantly tried to give her what she wanted.  Eventually, I was cheated on too much and I was sick of having her dump everything on me for our family while she slept all day, had her next phone sex relationship she hid from me (but blamed me for), or engaged in her next person-project (some loser friend that she would completely latch onto and "help" somehow, in order to feel like a hero).

So, anyway, I gave her an ultimatum to get professional help or I was done.  We had already almost divorced twice before that, both times with me rightly filing for full custody of the children, so this time she made sure she had control.  She filed first and eventually got a restraining order by lying in order to get me kicked out of my own house and have control of the kids and the divorce.  We finally decided to handle things amicably and have joint custody with 50/50 parenting time.  After the divorce I started dating, and it really upset her.  She told me she wanted to do therapy and try again.  Foolishly, I bit.  Within 2 months she moved back in and within 6 months after that, she stopped going to therapy or even believing she needed to be there.  I, on the other hand, "would probably never get better" (her words).  It went the same way.  She was sleeping with the other guy that she was using again, and she even fooled around with one of her son's 18 year old friends.  Long story short is I told her I was done completely... .no 'being friends and we'll see how things turn out'.  Just done.  Period.  That set her off to doing everything from crying and calling me at work or in the middle of the night to breaking sentimental things I've given her over the years.  It took me four months of cajoling, bribing, and legal threats to get her to move out of my house.  Now she lives with a family member and we share our kids, even though in reality I get them more than 50% of the time, which I am happy with.

Very hard to put the whole thing into two paragraphs, so there's three.  Even with this, there is so much I left out.  Porn, naked pictures on the home computer, neglecting the kids, never having any extra money in spite of me having a very good job, alienation from friends and family once she decided she hated them because they were 'fake and never loved her', complete disrespect and disregard for the fact that I have feelings, a job, etc.  It was years of a dark cloud over the home.

[Bak86]

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=230844.msg12474912#msg12474912

you can read it here.

[walksoftly]

I could write a novel!

[tim_tom]

My story is similar to many...

late 30's guy, recently out of a toxic loveless marriage to a diagnosed bipolar women (although exhbits low functioning borderling traits out the wazoo), meets mid 20's pwBPD who pursued him. Wounded self esteem behind a veneer of confidence and status (good job) falls quickly and deeply for idolization. Soulmates, love of life, going to be married. I bought it all and reciprocated. It was the happiest I've ever been in my life, and felt it was my chance at redemption. To start again, do it with someone I loved completely, do it right and have a family of my own, which my ex wives drug and alcohol abuse and rampant cheating prevented. I carried around a lot of guilt/shame/regret, for the 7 years I lost in this marriage, and the impact it had on my children. This is exactly what BPD #2 honed in on and started to eat away at my entire being.

The first devaluation occurred because of my marriage. How could you be with a women like that, what is wrong with you, why would you stay so long, how could you have children with someone like her... .yadda yadda. It hit where it hurt, in the worst way. There were other issues, she was controlling, insanely jealous, impulsive and demanding with with money (I spent over 100k on her projects/vacations the past year) , couldn't handle criticism or me having needs, was insanely demanding of my time, attention and affection, viewed everything as negative at times, other times all positive. I was forced to "walk on eggshells" and keep silent. Ultimately the friction in my subconscious, someone who I loved so deeply, and I thought loved me the same, could not accept this part of me who made me the man she thought she fell in love with. She was fine with the kids, was good to them... at first, it was my marriage that bothered her, she was obsessed that I thought ex wife was prettier then her, that I loved her more.  It was painful in ways I didn't realize and manifested itself in self medication, namely increased alcohol consumption. Had i resorted to more healthy means like therapy, I'd have dumped her 9 months ago... but I digress... Relationship was manageable at first, everything ok, ups/downs... push pulll. we know the story. Then I had an opportunity to take a more prominent job, that would require more work and travel, in return for more opportunity and compensation. My subconscious was screaming at me not to take it. I even told her, this will be tough on me and us, you will be with the kids alone frequently, I don't think this is a good idea. She assured me she loved them and this was best for OUR future.

As predicted, and almost immediately, the wheels come off. She devalues the children cause they have the audacity to talk favorably about their mother. Saying things like, I do more for them then her, how can they do this to ME (wow they mention their mother!). Always about her. Starts complaining about them incessantly, nitpicking, requiring perfection, snapping at them. I sink further into alcoholism and depression. The whole time she is on my case in the worst way to buy her a ring and senses my lack of enthusiasm for it. I withdraw, begin to detach, requests for sensitivity and help from her are met with anger. I owed her because she was watching my kids alone occasionally, meanwhile she wasn't working at all and I was supporting her completely. She ends up leaving after 2 months of this, abruptly, coldly, blaming me entirely. I quit alcohol as it was causing me suicidal thoughts, and descend into the pits of despair for awhile. Get into therapy, learn about BPD and end up here where it's helping me to understand the dynamics at play, and ultimate accept that it was what it was always going to be. There was no other possible ending. I have been feeling ok for the past 2 days, and am really hoping it sticks this time. Only a week ago I was ready to jump off a bridge.

so, 3 paragraphs, but as brief as possible, there was all sorts of other dysfunction from her and us... too much to list in explicit detail

[walksoftly]

Tim Tom !  Your story is very similar to mine... especially the despair so I wanted to share something positive with you my brother;

For the last 18 months her words echoed in my mind. She told me she didnt love me anymore... screamed it at me over the phone, this was 18 months ago and she was with my replacement at the time. Every morning I would get up, make a cup of coffee, sit on my patio and those words would enter my mind.  But... .today was different; I got up, made a cup of coffee, sat on my patio and my mind said " I don't love her anymore."

I turned a corner albeit at 5km/h. I am healing and I thank this site and therapy for assisting me!

Take care brother.

[tim_tom]

Tim Tom !  Your story is very similar to mine... especially the despair so I wanted to share something positive with you my brother;

For the last 18 months her words echoed in my mind. She told me she didnt love me anymore... screamed it at me over the phone, this was 18 months ago and she was with my replacement at the time. Every morning I would get up, make a cup of coffee, sit on my patio and those words would enter my mind.  But... .today was different; I got up, made a cup of coffee, sat on my patio and my mind said " I don't love her anymore."

I turned a corner albeit at 5km/h. I am healing and I thank this site and therapy for assisting me!

Take care brother.

What i have learned is that it isn't just losing the girl, all mixed up in patchwork of emotions was that I also lost my dream (delusion) of youth, vitality and virility. Almost 2 years after all this started, I am about to turn 40, and have serious self reflection/healing to do before ever entertaining the concept of falling in love again. The kids I thought i'd be having 6 months ago will likely never come. This one told me she is an old soul and wanted a young family, and she seemed to be... .at first.  I will never buy that again. In a very real way, with the end of the relationship came the end of my dream of doing the family thing right this time.

[thereishope]

Tim Tom !  Your story is very similar to mine... especially the despair so I wanted to share something positive with you my brother;

For the last 18 months her words echoed in my mind. She told me she didnt love me anymore... screamed it at me over the phone, this was 18 months ago and she was with my replacement at the time. Every morning I would get up, make a cup of coffee, sit on my patio and those words would enter my mind.  But... .today was different; I got up, made a cup of coffee, sat on my patio and my mind said " I don't love her anymore."

I turned a corner albeit at 5km/h. I am healing and I thank this site and therapy for assisting me!

Take care brother.

What i have learned is that it isn't just losing the girl, all mixed up in patchwork of emotions was that I also lost my dream (delusion) of youth, vitality and virility. Almost 2 years after all this started, I am about to turn 40, and have serious self reflection/healing to do before ever entertaining the concept of falling in love again. The kids I thought i'd be having 6 months ago will likely never come. This one told me she is an old soul and wanted a young family, and she seemed to be... .at first.  I will never buy that again. In a very real way, with the end of the relationship came the end of my dream of doing the family thing right this time.

Good grief, tim-tom... .you're not dead yet!  Don't give up on your dreams just because a woman with BPD wreaked havoc on your soul!  You're only 39! You're still young!  I have made the decision that as many moments as my h's BPD has stolen from me, I'm not going to allow it to steal anymore! Enough is enough!  I'm in the throes of trying to figure out what is best = leaving/staying... .but even here, I can't allow BPD to destroy any more of ME! 

I just want to encourage you to stop for a second and not give away anything more to the black hole you just escaped.  You are still allowed to have dreams, and they are STILL possible!  Just take some time to rest and heal first!   

[tim_tom]

Good grief, tim-tom... .you're not dead yet!  Don't give up on your dreams just because a woman with BPD wreaked havoc on your soul!  You're only 39! You're still young!  I have made the decision that as many moments as my h's BPD has stolen from me, I'm not going to allow it to steal anymore! Enough is enough!  I'm in the throes of trying to figure out what is best = leaving/staying... .but even here, I can't allow BPD to destroy any more of ME! 

I just want to encourage you to stop for a second and not give away anything more to the black hole you just escaped.  You are still allowed to have dreams, and they are STILL possible!  Just take some time to rest and heal first!   

well, likely it will be the brady bunch thing for me. I have 2, if the women I end up has 1-2, that gets us to 4.  As my hanging around the BPD proves, I am a glutton for punishment, but even I can't imagine 5-6 kids

[thereishope]

Good grief, tim-tom... .you're not dead yet!  Don't give up on your dreams just because a woman with BPD wreaked havoc on your soul!  You're only 39! You're still young!  I have made the decision that as many moments as my h's BPD has stolen from me, I'm not going to allow it to steal anymore! Enough is enough!  I'm in the throes of trying to figure out what is best = leaving/staying... .but even here, I can't allow BPD to destroy any more of ME! 

I just want to encourage you to stop for a second and not give away anything more to the black hole you just escaped.  You are still allowed to have dreams, and they are STILL possible!  Just take some time to rest and heal first!   

well, likely it will be the brady bunch thing for me. I have 2, if the women I end up has 1-2, that gets us to 4.  As my hanging around the BPD proves, I am a glutton for punishment, but even I can't imagine 5-6 kids

[thereishope]

Good grief, tim-tom... .you're not dead yet!  Don't give up on your dreams just because a woman with BPD wreaked havoc on your soul!  You're only 39! You're still young!  I have made the decision that as many moments as my h's BPD has stolen from me, I'm not going to allow it to steal anymore! Enough is enough!  I'm in the throes of trying to figure out what is best = leaving/staying... .but even here, I can't allow BPD to destroy any more of ME! 

I just want to encourage you to stop for a second and not give away anything more to the black hole you just escaped.  You are still allowed to have dreams, and they are STILL possible!  Just take some time to rest and heal first!   

well, likely it will be the brady bunch thing for me. I have 2, if the women I end up has 1-2, that gets us to 4.  As my hanging around the BPD proves, I am a glutton for punishment, but even I can't imagine 5-6 kids

[AlwaysForgiving]

Here's my story (brief version):

I was friends with my exBPD for 10 years before I got into a relationship with her. I met her when we both were married to other people, but I fell in love with her (but never acted on it) the day we met. We worked for the same company and a few years ago, I got transferred to her department and we worked side by side every day. At that point, both of our marriages were pretty much over and I admitted to her how I felt about her. To my surprise, she admitted to having the same feelings for me this whole time too.

We got into an affair together and we both went through divorces. Like I said, I have known her 10 years up to this point, but it wasn't until a few months after I got romantically involved with her, that I noticed that something was "wrong" with her. She became very unstable and broke up with me ALL THE TIME, but would come back to me the next day or later that same day.

We had a very intense, very rocky, on and off relationship for 3 years and she left me devastated and confused all the time. A mutual friend suggested I look up BPD relationships and I was shocked to see much it reflected my relationship.

Now, I have been painted black since New Year's, she has been with at least 3 other guys since then, and my friend of 13 years is now my worst enemy. We used to be incredibly close (like we almost had a psychic connection with another) and now she won't even speak to me. I still deal with the grief every day.

[Algae]

My story  (might be longer than usual)

Anyway, I'm 23 and my EX is 19.  We've been dating for 4 years and no it's not a Long distance relationship.  Throughout the 4 years, she's had habits of DEEP depression where she cuts herself, ignores everyone, (including me), and ends up blaming me in the end for everything, which causes her to usually cheat on me to see if it makes her happier.  She's cheated on my about 5 times.

She's also left me about 5-6 times, and each time she does... it happens so sudden.  One night we're talking and she acts so obsessed with me to the point where I'M HER WORLD, and she would LITERALLY cry in front of me just from seeing my face and say, "I can't believe you love me so much <3".  Then the next morning, I'm usually blocked from all Social media like I never existed.  Let me explain:  She'll Make me gifts for WEEKS (huge gifts), and give them to me just to see my face light up.  She'll beg me to skype with her and talk to her while we're falling asleep in our own homes, so that It's like I'm there next to her all night.  She even MOVED FROM HER MOMS house into her Aunts JUST for me, because her mom Hates me and constantly lies to her.  Then the next day she wont even message me.  NOT 1 MESSAGE.  She'll just immediately block me and act like I never existed and never respond to me... ever.

It usually happens EVERY Janurary and EVERY August.  So It happens in patterns.  She usually ALWAYS comes back in December and May.  I don't know if this is an illness or not, but she does go to counseling and she does take Melatonin for depression.

Recently she just stopped talking to me again, right after moving into her Aunts house just for me.  She came back from Church camp where she was gone for a weekend and never messaged me.  I then found out that she Met a guy there who She's only known for 9 days and started dating him. (And please don't tell me, "Maybe she's known him longer?".  Trust me... I'm 1000% sure it's only been 9 days and I have proof).  She's already giving him pet names and obsessing over him JUST FROM 9 DAYS.  9 DAYS?  REALLY?  NINE DAYS... ? AS IN NUEVE?  Wow.  We dated for a whole year before we even kissed (it was my first kiss).  Thats how serious we were about love.

So now, she's doing things that she doesnt normally do.  Shes pretending to LOVE country music, and to be a christian just because this Boy does both of those.  She Doesnt believe in God, and She only listens to Post-Hardcore/screamo.  She's also pretending to LOVE Disney, when the week before she told me that, ":)isney was old, lame, and for pedos."  She's basically faking her whole self to impress somebody, and the sad thing is that she's done this before.  Last time she faked herself and her music to make friends.

[SpringInMyStep]

Hi, here's mine:

Met my ex not even a year after splitting with my ex-husband. My current ex is MtF transgender and it turns out I'm gay. Long story, but she used to say she was my "gateway drug". Haha. When I met her, she was like no one I had ever met. She said she had multiple personalities and instead of seeing that as a red flag, I just thought it made her unique and kinda cool. It didn't seem to impede her ability to function and she even graduated law school at the top of her class. When we met, she was about to start her first job at the law firm. She seemed to have her stuff together... .or at least I thought. We became attached very quickly (another red flag). She told me no one ever stuck by her, people always leave, no one understands her, etc. (more red flags!) I thought I would be the one person who did not disappoint her. I loved her and wanted to take care of her. I wanted to support her in her transition and her recovery from trauma (trauma I now believe does not exist), and figured this "crisis mode" would be a temporary thing.

She ended up getting fired from her job for ethical violations and she's lucky they didn't bring up charges. She told me she had PTSD from her "inner trauma", such as her "personalities" raping each other. I now know this is ridiculous and not possible. It's called self-harm. But at the time, seeing her after this happened repeatedly, I believed her. I continued to support her through her transition and everything else. I couldn't see at the time that she was getting worse and worse and I was slowly losing myself in taking care of her. Fast forward several months - we actually got married - and her symptoms got worse. She brought up BPD and wondered if she had it, but her therapist doesn't believe in it. After I researched more about it, I realized that this situation was not temporary and I was giving up my entire life and not getting anything in return. All of the clues started to add up and things came to a head one day, I got her a taxi down to her place (she lived with me but still has her own condo), and she hasn't lived here since. Divorce proceedings are underway. She is trying to remain friends but I just can't... .for my own well-being that's not possible. I feel sad, angry, betrayed. I feel like our entire relationship was a lie on her part. Anyway... .two paragraphs is up, but I could go on and on!

[walksoftly]

Always Forgiving:

I read that you had an affair.

People who marry their affair partners have a 5 to 7% chance of making it.

My ex left me for her affair partner and I consider them both as having absolutely no integrity.

Its never ok to leave a relationship for an affair partner.

[purpleavocado]

Met online in my mid-20s, lead to a long distance relationship and I moved to be with her about 1.5 years in. Ignored red flags such as controlling who I talked to/interacted with, completely irrational fights that ended with me groveling for forgiveness over something completely nonsensical, and intense highs and lows. A few months after I moved all hell broke loose and she basically worked around the clock in order to avoid me, disappeared from morning til late at night with friends, occasionally forgoing her active social life in order to stalk and spy on me to make sure I was "actually at the gym," demanding to read my email and texts and taking them out of context just to yell at me, calling me a cheater, yelling and raging at me over nothing, double standards (I wasn't allowed to do things she did regularly, etc... .), expecting me to wait on her hand and foot and yelling that I didn't care if I didn't... .hated my family and actively tried to cause problems between me and them... .this isn't even the half of it, but that's it in a nutshell.

After 3 years of living together we finally broke up and when I left (and moved back across the country because I had nowhere else to go) she groveled for months, picking fights with me for not visiting her (so she could ignore me like she always did), texting and calling drunk, etc.

[AlwaysForgiving]

Always Forgiving:

I read that you had an affair.

People who marry their affair partners have a 5 to 7% chance of making it.

My ex left me for her affair partner and I consider them both as having absolutely no integrity.

Its never ok to leave a relationship for an affair partner.

Thanks. I thought this was a support group... .

[thereishope]

Always Forgiving:

I read that you had an affair.

People who marry their affair partners have a 5 to 7% chance of making it.

My ex left me for her affair partner and I consider them both as having absolutely no integrity.

Its never ok to leave a relationship for an affair partner.

I may step into a hornets' nest right now but I believe it is worth it. I, for one, have found this message board to be extremely supportive and encouraging. Once in a great while I read something that doesn't fit in with all the other helpful things I read here everyday.

I understand we are a community of extremely hurt people, each with extreme sensitivities because of the horrible things we have experienced with BPD. There are people here who have been cheated on who are hurting, abs there are people here who may have made a poor decision to cheat on someone and are hurting. In spite of this, we are all here for one thing. ... To heal from the horrors of BPD.

I just want to encourage us all to NEVER permanently judge anyone, especially when we haven't walked in their shoes. To say that anyone is completely without integrity is a harsh, critical comment. None of us are perfect, and by God's grace, hopefully we learn from our mistakes and do not repeat them.

In the meantime, we each come here, trying to strengthen ourselves, and trying to muster up enough strength to strengthen each other. Let's leave the dark, negative, accusatory, devaluing stuff to our BPD SOs.

Grace and peace.

[walksoftly]

Always Forgiving

My apologies... .

[thereishope]

Always Forgiving

My apologies... .

[AlwaysForgiving]

Always Forgiving

My apologies... .

Apology accepted.

I'm not proud that my relationship started with an affair. I got caught in the hurricane that is my exBPD. But, affair or not, that doesn't change the fact that I dealt with that hurricane for 3 years, or the fact that I love her, or that I lost my friend of 13 years.

Yeah, it sucks being the "other guy", but most of can agree, there are ALWAYS going an "other guy". I'm sure a lot of guys here are that also whether they know it or not.

[walksoftly]

Always Forgiving... .

Your experience is probably somewhat similar to mine in some ways and I am sorry for your loss.

Infidelity is another issue  - I would never cheat on my spouse - never- and maybe you'll have to come to terms with the fact that you started a relationship while you were already in one -  surely not a good foundation to build trust with one another - never a good idea.

Please find help and assistance on this site, re BPD issues but do not expect me to condone infidelity and to expect that many couples participate in infidelity is misguided.

!

[kc sunshine]

Thank you for these wise words, there is hope, and thanks to everyone for their honesty and for their stories.

I may step into a hornets' nest right now but I believe it is worth it. I, for one, have found this message board to be extremely supportive and encouraging. Once in a great while I read something that doesn't fit in with all the other helpful things I read here everyday.

I understand we are a community of extremely hurt people, each with extreme sensitivities because of the horrible things we have experienced with BPD. There are people here who have been cheated on who are hurting, abs there are people here who may have made a poor decision to cheat on someone and are hurting. In spite of this, we are all here for one thing. ... To heal from the horrors of BPD.

I just want to encourage us all to NEVER permanently judge anyone, especially when we haven't walked in their shoes. To say that anyone is completely without integrity is a harsh, critical comment. None of us are perfect, and by God's grace, hopefully we learn from our mistakes and do not repeat them.

In the meantime, we each come here, trying to strengthen ourselves, and trying to muster up enough strength to strengthen each other. Let's leave the dark, negative, accusatory, devaluing stuff to our BPD SOs.

Grace and peace.

[Vatz]

I'm 26 and my ex is 24 now. We broke up a few months ago, she stayed with me for 2 months even after the breakup. It was awful, because even though it's probably best for me that she's gone, I still wanted the relationship to keep going. I longed for her every day, she'd be in the room with me but she may as well have been miles away. I had plans for us, I had plans to help work out our issues. But they required she pull just a bit of weight. I did the math and her monthly checks would have covered her expenses, I was even willing to help her with other necessities should she have needed them. I wanted to over time find a place for us, go to counseling, and get it together. Hell, I was even working on lining up a little r-rated surprise for her birthday, something she'd often think of and I figured with the right set-up we could try and both have a good time. Anyway, yeah. She broke it off because every thing I had planned had to be on HER timetable. She had no job, a pill addiction, and her abuse was getting worse. But I wasn't fast enough, and the last year I wasn't doing anything. I wanted to take her to the aquarium, she said "you had 3 years to do that." She was right. Something always got in the way, and it was probably me.

It started in spring 2010. She asked me out. Within a few months some problems emerged. Then for a while, things were great. Then some months later still, for weeks she'd start raging, until one day while visiting her, I left. While she was in the shower, I sneaked out of her house. I still feel horrible about it to this day, imagining how she walked out and saw I was gone, my phone off and everything. I know now that what I did was the worst possible thing. 2 weeks later, we patch things up, but something told me it was only going to get worse. I opened pandora's box when I left. I spend the next 3.5 years trying to prove that I would never abandon and hurt her like that again. After a few emotional affairs, and a physical one, I couldn't leave. I invested so much time, care, and felt like if I did more it could work. She stayed with me for a while and it was bliss... .for a while. Eventually she became unstable again, stopped taking meds, had seizures, and emergency after emergency. I tried to help, but I started to withdraw. I'm still disgusted at myself for how I withdrew, the person I became. She had every good reason to dump me. I stopped caring about my life. I was no good for anyone, least of all her.  She may have been abusive and unstable. But the last year I was a lazy bum. Can't say I didn't deserve at least a little bit of her contempt.

I miss her.

[Loveofhislife]

One year after 25 year marriage was final and on the heels of finding out exbfNPD was cheating, I met guy online; good chemistry; met for the first time at a bookstore and spoke in depth about my work. He was needy, VERY focused on me, eager to please but brilliant and "sparkly." I wrote in my journal afterward, "WOW!" Days after, I went out of town to a conference; he called and texted incessantly (embarrassingly), but somehow it felt good to have someone crushing on me so much (I am not a spring chicken; he is 5 years younger, and my self esteem was low post NPD break-up). I return from conference; go on 2nd date and that's when the trauma/drama starts: he tearfully and trembling tells me of a nightmare story where he was divorced from his wife while being victimized by family and friends and even legal counsel, and he was living in a halfway house.   He can't bear playing this charade with me; he had to let me know! (It's us against the world).   He knew I had worked in "the system"; can I help him? This is a lot to lay on a girl on the second date . Cue the music--first kiss at the condo he was moving into, and the rescuer in me told him everything would be ok; "I don't judge. I will help you."

Third meeting, I go by his work where he begins making requests for errand running--wants me to meet and tour his probation officer at the new condo:  after all, he can't deviate between work and the halfway house. I comply with all requests--almost feeling a Bonnie and Clyde thrill. (I don't even have a speeding ticket on my "record". Fourth meeting: at his work, he takes me out in an SUV which he says he wants to buy; would I lend him the money?   He can't count on his family and he has no friends   . I evidently insulted him by using a two-letter word: "NO." He looked shocked, hurt, and angry    I quickly drove off determined never to see him again. I thought to myself, "HE IS PLAYING ME!" I couldn't believe I fell for it. I felt like a dupe--I'd been running errands for him for two weeks, when it was all about the money.

Days passed; I would not return his calls or texts, and I began to feel bad about leaving with no explanation. He had me hooked that quickly! I finally gave in and called to say I needed to return his legal case binder to him: a rationalization to see him once more and attempt to explain why the request for money to buy a car was offensive, scary, and wouldn't be tolerated. He had "inadvertently" left a very personal, 3- ring binder with me on our second date.    Out of his apartment, he walked to my car like a wounded animal: truly, the abandoned child (or a damn good con artist)? I told him I needed to talk to him, and I went into his apartment, and (cue lights). I fell in love. But what/who did I fall in love with? The excitement? The intrigue? The seeming innocence? His hurt? I believed no one could help him or understood him but me.

Even though the r/s lasted a year, all you need to know to guess the ending happened in those first few meetings. It didn't take long at all before the intense jealousy, possessiveness, control, and ongoing NEED for money continued. Little by little, he broke through my boundaries until I found him indiscriminately using my credit cards and emotionally extorting me for money. In that time, he was fired twice, reassigned once; evicted, sued twice (eviction and child support) and was constantly ailing from one thing or the other. He is now very highly compensated and does not "need" me or feel compelled to pay me back.

When he did pay back increments, he called it "helping" me.   Several times, he would tell me how good it made him feel to "help" me--but you could tell it pained him and he resented it greatly.   And he did help in other ways. I was supporting him nearly 100%, along with supporting my three kids ( who he constantly criticized), and he "helped" doing handy man and tech/information tasks. He always said he didn't want to work outside the home, because he knew I would "hook up" with my business partner during the day while he was working.   He made frequent, unannounced, unwelcome, and uninvited visits to my office, work and family- related functions.   

Right before the holidays, he was fired from another job, presumably because a "key informant" called his work and alerted them to his legal record. He was giddy happy--he didn't have to work anymore! It was creepy  He quickly began putting ever increasing demands on my finances. With A LOT OF DRAMA, I begged to go see my brother ALONE in January; days after I left town, I began receiving fraud alerts from credit card companies--HE WAS SPENDING $$$thousands on a credit card I had left him to buy gas, as he had driven me to the airport. He began the incessant calling AGAIN--sure that I was cheating--I erupted at him over the phone about using my credit card, and as always he said, "I'll pay you back." After increasing arguments and discussion with legal counsel, I was told to call law enforcement to report what amounted to grand theft with no ability or assurances that he would pay. I made the first of two police reports that included his unlawful entry into my home, where my 17 year old daughter lived with me.

Somehow, that storm blew over, he landed another high paying job, as he continued to make promises to pay me back. All the while, he tortured me daily (and nightly) about my amicable r/s with my ex husband and business partner. Ranting and raving for no reason. He did make a few payments in May but never paid for anything despite 3 expensive trips and 3 beach vacations. My first ST was when I desperately needed repayment in May when one of my children ran into legal trouble. ExbfBPD had concurrently bought not one but two cars (keeping the one he already owned. and he was in BIG TROUBLE legally and financially, and at risk of violating probation. I learned he had gone to prison for financial fraud. 

So relieved that ST had been lifted, he caught me at a weak point in June and began robbing Peter to pay Paul (I would be Peter). He eventually paid off a car loan using one of my credit cards in July after a blissful weekend at the beach: our closest ever! When confronted about repayment, he swore on his grandmother's grave and on his children's lives to pay me. He never did. Instead, he went ST on August 1 and abandoned me. With legal counsel, I was advised to make claims on all his unauthorized spending. I have spent the past few weeks doing so... .knowing that I will never hear from him again; I am split black forever--just like all the other exes, close friends, and family who have "betrayed" him