Advice on Boundary with uBPD Mom?

[jmanvo2015]

Can anyone be kind enough to provide advice or opinions on my current dilemma?

As some of you know, I'm living with my uBPDm and uNPD stepfather. I didn't entirely realize my parents were uBPDm and uNPD until I found this site and others, but now my therapist and me are focusing on this dynamic.

Living with them was my choice, out of loneliness, and in hindsight a foolish one.  Doing so, however, has caused me to finally firmly comprehend that I've spent my life grasping at straws.  I'll never get the love, approval and intimacy I need from these two people, but I'm trying to focus on what's good about them.  After I arrived, some money and work problems set in and they've been very generous.  The downside is the hefty emotional price for that generosity.  There's a great deal of criticism and shame thrown my way and it's always been two against one, which wears me down and makes me defensive.

Last Saturday, the three of us had a horrible fight.  They ganged up on me.  I got angry and defensive.  I left to stay with my alcoholic uncle.  That was not a good idea. At my uBPDm's request, I returned.  She said as soon as they sell a condo on the market, they'll fund my own place. She seethed with anger from Saturday until Weds, but yesterday returned to baseline and started speaking to me again.  My parents are good and responsible providers. But their unspoken expectation is that I hero-worship them and never express any dissatisfaction or criticism.  They have the emotional maturity of teenagers and they validate each other's abuse, so there's never been any reason for either to be held accountable.

Now that the storm has settled, I gently asked my uBPD mother, "are we OK now?"  To which she responded, "Well, no, we still need to have a talk."  I froze.  A "talk" for my uBPD mother means her and my stepfather sitting me down and throwing criticisms and "rules" at me.  The talk will be a mental game to prove that I'm "wrong" and "crazy." If I try to give even the gentlest criticism of their aggressive and abusive behavior, or defend my own, they will pounce.  I've learned it's really all about shame, shame, shame, shame.  When I defend myself against their verbal and emotional abuse and bring their attention to it, they respond by shaming me.

OK, so what to do?  I don't want to have this discussion and fear another blow up.   What do you suggest? 

I have thought of two possible scenarios.  With either, I have been, and intend to continue, staying almost entirely out of their way.  I am doing everything possible not to disrupt their normal routine, including being gone most of the time.  I am also very actively job searching so that I have some $ coming in again soon. I'm attending 12 step support groups, such as ACA, Al Anon and CoDa to develop some supportive friendships and tools for coping.

Scenario A.

I let them sit me down and I absorb all of their criticism and abuse.  I tell them how right they are.  I admit that I'm bad and crazy and need medication and all the other things they will tell me, and have always told me about myself.  I agree to whatever terms they express.  Then, I just bide my time until I can move out.

or

Scenario B

I lie and tell them that my therapist has advised me that, because of our family dynamic and the fact that it's two against one, having a discussion is not a good idea.  They can either agree to meet with me with my therapist (so that I have a person on my side), or they can put their demands in writing and I'll adhere to them until it's feasible for me to leave.

What do you think? I am so ashamed that I am in this situation.  I am embarrassed, humiliated, overwhelmed and questioning God as to why I have to have parents like this and still be so emotionally needy and dependent on them in my middle age.  It's like they destroyed my self-esteem and self-efficacy with their behavior and now I'm stuck.  But I don't want to be stuck.  I want to use this current experience to propel myself to new understandings and to develop more fulfilling relationships and coping mechanisms.

I realize that for many of you that are on your own or have gotten past your BPD parent's abuse, my situation may sound stupid.  But, really, I had such a small family and no support for most of my life other than my uBPD mom and uNPD stepdad (my mom pushed my biological father out of my life).  Because of this, I thought their behavior was normal and am only now, at 45, realizing how destructive and dysfunctional it has been.  Also, for most of my life, I was just afraid.  My mother made me afraid of everything and that fueled my co-dependency with her.

[clljhns]

Hi jmanvo2015,

Wow! I am sorry that you are in such an unhappy situation! I don't think what you said is stupid at all! I can really relate to being dependent on my parents and feeling that I could never make it without them. I agreed to their terms and conditions just to have a relationship with them. I also had to move back in with them as an adult with my daughter. While I was grateful to have a place to go, it was not the best place for me or my daughter.

I continued contact with them and still believed my uBPDmom that I couldn't make it on my own. I understand having your parent tell you how incompetent and incapable of taking care of yourself you are. I think my mom did this to keep me dependent on her. She would tell me how stupid I was and immature I was because I wanted to stay in the same town and not move near my uNPD sister after my divorce. It was a ridiculous suggestion since I had a great job and wonderful support system in that town. I had lived there for more than 15 years at that point. My mom's thought was to get me closer to oldest sis so that sis could report back to mom on me.

I feared the loss of the relationship with my parents because they made it clear that I couldn't live without them. Once I came to trust and believe in myself, things changed. I continued to move forward without them in my life and found a freedom that I had never known before. I am also proud that I discovered how capable and competent I am in taking care of myself. Still on my own at this point and learning to nurture myself. My therapist told me that I can be my own parents and learn to provide those needs myself. It is true. It just took some time to understand what that meant and learning how to practice taking care of myself.

I don't know that I have any advice for your situation, mostly encouragement and support.   I read your scenarios, and wondered if you would consider not justifying, arguing, defending, or explaining (JADE) yourself? Have you read the articles on this site about JADE and communicating with a BPD? Very insightful and helpful information. What would it look like if you were to have a discussion with your parents from a place of believing that you are an adult, and not a dependent child?

What do you think?

Wishing you all the best!

[jmanvo2015]

Thank you so much for your response clljhns.  I've read posts you have put on other threads and I believe you have amazing insight and wisdom.  I really like what you suggest about viewing myself as an adult.  I am trying to do this, though my parents infantanalize me constantly.  I am not sure if I got that word right?  However, I do feel like an adult.  I have had a relatively successful career and am also a published writer.  Yet, they never speak to me like I'm an adult, or with any respect or admiration.  It's just always putdowns and criticism.

I have been using JADE, so thank you for reminding me about that.  After I wrote this post early this morning, I went ahead and went with my gut.  I wrote my mother an email that she'll read when she arrives at work.  In it, I explained that I won't be having any "talks" with them unless a mediator, conflict resolution specialist or therapist is also there.  I said if this wasn't good and there were specific rules or request while I live in their home, to please write them down and I will follow them.  I said I'd like to have  a relationship with her and that perhaps once a month we can have a mother-daughter night, but that other than the respect needed to co-habitate I no longer want a relationship with my stepfather and that, for as long as I'm in their home, I'll do my best to not disrupt their normal routine - will work outside the house on my job search, buy my own food, stay in my room and just generally will be gone and out of their way.  I told her I love her and appreciate her generosity in providing a beautiful home for me to stay in. 

So, yep, I gotta work on that no "explaining" thing. Ha.

[clljhns]

Hi jmanvo2015,

I know how difficult it is to remember to use the tools we have at our disposal. For me the problem was, and still is, I have an emotional reaction to the event. At that point, I have lost sight of what I need to do.

Really like that you set the parameters for future discussions and outings with mom. Kudos to you! What an accomplished person you are! A published author? Wow! I am impressed and would like to know what you have written, if you don't mind. I would like to check out what you have written.

Thank you for your kind words and respect of my thoughts. I am glad to know that something I have said has been of help!

Have you and your therapist done any work around cognitive therapy? Any work on changing the internal messages? I found this very helpful for me, as I had a constant script running in my head of my mother's rants and tirades. I don't know if this might be part of what you are experiencing when you talk with mom, but if it is, this will certainly keep you off kilter and make it difficult to use JADE.

Hope all is well with you.

Peace and blessings. 

[goingtostopthis]

Jman,


      Boy can I relate to what you are feeling.  My situation is a bit similar. Ive left a home that I owned with all the independence that I could have dreamed of, including alone time which I like,  to move to my Aunts farm in another state because she has suffered several strokes.   

                      My mother and sister are taking care of her at their house just next door.  I came here for two reasons,  1) Because they needed help taking care of this women and this big farm she left with some horses and something like 14 cats and 3 dogs.  and

                     2)  I was tired of being alone which I was aloner then alone fending for myself got to be too much, and also this is 77 acre place with grass for my 2 horses to last 2 life times. My Aunt told me personally she wanted me to have this place when she was in her right mind,at one time they were both witness to it,  but my sister and mom denie this to me as if it never happened. Both my name and my sisters name was suppose to be on the deed.  My sister only signed her name. I asked her why once and I only got a bunch of lame excuses.  My feelings for her totally changed after that.      Im sorry but family members can be such as - wholes.  I know that this place belongs to all of us,  but it was just the principle of the thing and an insult to my dignity.

             But that's all my sister been doing ever since I moved here. Insulting my dignity, underminding me, pushing me around, shame basing me, etc.

Ive all ways been a smoker and they have all ways know this,  but when I got here they both cornered me in my room and shamed me and told I could NOT smoke in this house.  They dont live here, I do now. Half the house has all ready been ruined from cat spray they cant get rid of(I swear it is really bad in the kitchen) and 3 dogs left inside all day and night in the kitchen they smell and bark really loud all the time.

They take up half the house.    I was never told this before I came.

There were many many things they promised or told me would be going on for me when I arrived. All bunk.    Manipulation  just to get me here after I left everything I worked for , for the last 15 years behind. 

This is a pattern with them and it just goes on and on. They lie.  Once here, after the movers and horse transport people I couldnt very well turn back.  All I wanted was to be able to smoke in "my" room, that's all, no where else except out side of course and they wouldnt have it and ganged up on me in my room. The two of them.   Sounds like a song title doesnt it?   I am not a violent person but in that moment I felt so cornered and so powerless that I lost it and started yelling at my sister and told her to leave the room.  She wouldnt,  she just stood there because shes a bully.  I kept on yelling get out of my room! and they wouldnt go so I lost it and threw a coffee cup down onto the floor and it smashed into a thousand pieces flying every where.   I shocked myself because it was a pretty well constructed cup.

                Well, after that they got out my way sure enough. They left me alone. I was so emotionally exhausted from the drive through 3 states and then starting to unpack with boxes every where and on top of this my sister bossing me at every turn and making put out down comments right and left. Its no wonder I didnt blow the house up.

Anyways,  things are getting  bit better now, but my problems with my sister are not over. She is really bizarre.      So youre not alone thats for sure.

[Turkish]

Do your patents know you are in therapy? My Machiavellan sense is to go with A, short of being forced to to something so outrageous as to go on medication.

It sounds, however, that you have a good T. But can you imagine the three of you being in a session and expecting change? If they agree to go, will it be worse when you get home? In my experience as little 13 year old Turkish it didn't change anything. You're an adult, though, with a relationship with a T who seems to understand...

You are correct that most of us here have time and distance to help us heal, but you've been thrown back into your childhood of abuse. What does your gut tell you, not the child jmanvo2015, but the woman?