Worst case of oneitis ever

[Blimblam]

Despite how badly I got hurt by the devaluing.

I realize I was and am an addict. Addicted to her.

She's moved on even deleted me on fb because I was to weak to keep nc. An sent her stupid messages about how she hurt me and to appologize.

This all makes me think though of course I know she won't apologize this is all about me not accepting her for who she is.

I didn't know how to deal with a borderline and maybe with my new found wisdom once I fully heal it might possibly work?

After all my ex wasn't severely borderline she didn't cut and she never raged. She was a quiet borderline and before the devaluing I was "needy" stressed with work and placed grown up expectations on her she didn't understand.

This has been the roughest time of my life. Yet after everything at the end of the day I want her back someday

I could have recycled if I healed enough and let go of my own expectations and accepted her how she is and just set limits.

But maybe this is just my addiction. Maybe my codependency and expectations triggered the disorder and if i had known better would have been able to manage it.

I really don't know but damn I still miss her despite everything.

[Ihope2]

Sorry to hear it is so rough at the moment, Blimblam.

If I may humbly suggest:  get rid of the "someday", "one day", "maybe if this, then that" thinking.  It keeps you stuck.

Focus on your healing and move forwards, not sideways or backwards. 

Why should you have to learn to deal with a borderline as a romantic partner?  Why should any of us?  At what cost to ourselves?

Blessings,

Ihope2

[tim_tom]

I didn't know how to deal with a borderline and maybe with my new found wisdom once I fully heal it might possibly work?

I think we all struggle with this one. But i think the reality is that the desire to have a healthy relationship with an unhealthy individual is folly. You will quickly fall back into the state when your relationship paradigms do not fit hers. Worse yet, the trust has been irrevocably broken. Suddenly you will be the one fearing sudden detachment, jealously, things you probably didn't experience on the first go round.  Your new found neediness will probably trigger more problems, more quickly

As my T told me, do you want to go through life "managing" her.

imo, more time would need to pass, and in that time, she'd have to self reflect and actually make a committed effort to healing old wounds through therapy. To grow as an emotional person, instead of staying in suspended adolescence. Not likely.

[OutOfEgypt]

Hey man,

It sounds like you are struggling.  I'm so sorry to hear that.  To me it sounds like you are going through a lot of tough feelings and, because of that, spending way too much time ruminating and thinking.

I didn't know how to deal with a borderline and maybe with my new found wisdom once I fully heal it might possibly work?

I understand, but why on earth would you want to do that?  I used to think that I could be bullet-proof, that if I healed myself enough and found my way through everything I could be like superman -able to take anything.  I realized, first, that such an idea is a fantasy.  There is no such thing as a person who is bullet-proof and impervious to manipulation, lying, head-games, and someone who basically is demanding constant attention either through pulling us in or pushing us away.  The second thing I realized is... .even if I could, in some alternate reality, find a way to "take it", why would I want to?  What a way to live!  I'm all for sacrificing myself for those I love when it brings about something good and beneficial for them, but throwing myself back into a relationsip with a destructive person under the guise that I'm somehow strong and powerful enough to handle it differently is not a good idea.  It certainly would not help her, and it would not help me or my kids.  What will happen is that you will put yourself in a situation that is constantly chipping away at all of the strength and healing you accomplished.

My ex told me over and over how "codependent" I was.  And it was true in itself, but she used it.  She exploited it as a way to pass blame and get the focus off of her.  In a sense, that is what makes the relationships "the perfect storm."  We are looking for someone to rescue -which simultaneously means someone who will control us and punish and blame us.  They are looking for someone to control and blame and validate their warped sense of being a victim.  In that sense, isn't it a perfect recipe for disaster?  

And suddenly becoming a person who isn't looking for someone to rescue, someone control us and punish and blame us... .well if you really did get to the place, would you really want to go back to a relationship with a person who was constantly trying to do that?   No.  And you would realize that no amount of "strength" from you would stop her from being that way.  It doesn't work that way.  If I was where I am today back 15 years ago, things would not have gone differently.  They just would have ended sooner.  I would have felt her pressure, her idealization, then her condemning, controlling words, her complete invalidation of my feelings, and I would have dumped her so fast her head would have spun.

[ajr5679]

My ex did not cut or rage. but for me I was very addicted to her . and I took mine back thinking I could do this. well I could not . and it just sits you back more. it is like telling your self only one drink or only one hit of the crack pipe. it is never enough. my ex has BPD and she know it. she uses it as a excuse to do the sociopaths things that she did to me and is doing to her kids and the replacement.

[NorthLight]

I understand you some day want her back, because you miss the good times and maybe the fantasy you felt you lived in. I too miss that every single day, and can't really imagine the rest of my life without my ex. I have not moved on haha. Anyway:

No matter how much you heal yourself, how much knowledge you get about BPD, and how good you think you can handle a new rs with her, you need to remember that SHE won't be stable / be healed from a personality disorder, no matter how good of a boyfriend you are to her... .

So get rid of the thought that you can become so healthy that you can actually make it work. If you ever got into a new RS with her, it would end sooner or later anyway because of her disorder - No matter how good of a person YOU are!

You can't help her, and you know that after reading all the stories here. Its good that you can see that you was addicted etc, but stop fooling yourself and think that if you just heal you can make it work, because it takes "two to dance" and she will never heal, so the rs is doomed from the start anyway. And your body and soul doesn't deserve getting through the period you have had last months, over again in some years when the RS again fails. 

So do try to heal, thats good and be happy with yourself, and maybe one day you will be in a stable RS and see how much healthier and stable that is... .But don't go back, deep inside you know its the best for you, even tho your emotions tells you that she is the only one for you (I feel the same way). Good luck

[Mr Hollande]

I didn't know how to deal with a borderline and maybe with my new found wisdom once I fully heal it might possibly work?

I didn't know either and for the short time we had left after I'd found out about her illness I thought I could be there while she got better. After the final discard, which was the most callous and brutal one, I knew at that very moment there was no going back. After five years I finally gave up on her. If there is one blessing in this joyless existence it's the knowledge and full acceptance of the fact that she is a lost cause and that I am never going back. Not in ANY capacity. I still have revenge/justice issues to deal with but taking her back is not on the list. Never!

I am a very resourceful person. A man of action. I'm a mover and shaker with a never ending stream of ideas and solutions. I really am the guy to make things happen. In that respect I am mentally very strong and tireless. I have achieved things that should not have been achievable through total bloodymindedness. But with her, with BPD, I admit defeat. She/It sure made a chump out of me.

[OutOfEgypt]

I had a pleasant chat with my ex recently about the kids.  She talked about her job, too.  Believe me, it was much better than the drama-fest that can sometimes occur.  And I thought to myself, "That was nice."  But then I remembered all the garbage.  I remembered that she is not like that once you are in a relationship with her.  And even still, I could see her BPD leaking out in small ways... .a comment that I could tell made her very defensive, the way she talks about dysfunctional relationships in her life as if the problems are completely external to her, etc.

I'm a different person than I was during the relationship.  I've worked very hard to get there with a top-notch therapist, and with my girlfriend I am a very different person.  Anyway, my point is that I would NEVER go back.  With as much work as I've done, that would be just about the dumbest thing I could ever do.  And I noticed it when I went through our final recycle after the divorce.  It was like all the work I put in was eroding.  People with BPD (to varying degrees) are a force to be reckoned with.  Thankfully, I dropped the fantasy romance-novel idea that if I was just strong enough, just healed enough, I could "love her right" and make a difference.  Quite the opposite would happen.  It's like being a tug boat tied to a sinking ocean liner.  You either cut the cord and save yourself, or they will take you down to the bottom of the ocean with them.  No two ways about it.

[thereishope]

 Anyway, my point is that I would NEVER go back.  With as much work as I've done, that would be just about the dumbest thing I could ever do.  And I noticed it when I went through our final recycle after the divorce.  It was like all the work I put in was eroding.  People with BPD (to varying degrees) are a force to be reckoned with.  Thankfully, I dropped the fantasy romance-novel idea that if I was just strong enough, just healed enough, I could "love her right" and make a difference.  Quite the opposite would happen.  It's like being a tug boat tied to a sinking ocean liner.  You either cut the cord and save yourself, or they will take you down to the bottom of the ocean with them.  No two ways about it.

Good wording... .I need to wrap my head around it f'real... .I'm still playing in the FOG, apparently, believing in smoke and mirrors.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Blimblam,

This is a really honest post and I commend you for working hard at processing your feelings. Your comments remind me of the "repetition compulsion" that brings so many people to a therapist. Trying to finally, finally change the outcome in our childhood parental relationship(s) that was so painful.

"If I could only be a better little boy or girl, do it right, give them what they want, then my parent(s) would love me." If we can change the outcome in our current relationships, we can avoid feeling the abandonment depression that we couldn't cope with as a child. But as adults, we have wisdom and new tools to deal with it. I think we have to radically accept that our parents weren't capable of giving us everything that we needed—it had nothing to do with us. Once we really accept this, and feel the anger, anxiety, sadness, and pain that that truth brings up in us, we can begin to free ourselves from the repetition compulsion. Hard work. 

We may never get rid of the "wound," but we can embrace the feelings that comprise it, with compassion for the child that didn't understand, the one who tried so hard to be "right" and "good." Losing hope can be so painful, but it can be so freeing, too. 

Keep up the great work, Blim.

heart

[bunnysc]

Hey BlimBlam, be strong mate, I went through the same thing ''Quite'' BPD's are Killeres, you are EVERYTHING for them, until devaluing starts, generally because they have a new replacement.

Be strong! My situation was hell. I was the one always ending the relationship with her because deep inside I knew she was a big    but I always took her back because I cared about her. But in the end she just painted me black and went with a random guy and I was the one suffering now. I should have set my limits and end the RS when all the    's started but I was not strong to do it, hell I didn't even knew i was dealing with a BPD ''WAIF''

I could have recycled if I healed enough and let go of my own expectations and accepted her how she is and just set limits.

But maybe this is just my addiction. Maybe my codependency and expectations triggered the disorder and if i had known better would have been able to manage it.

I really don't know but damn I still miss her despite everything.

Maybe you could have set limits but just for a short period of time, and I guarantee you that by doing this its just a waste of time and energy for you. If you set limits or you don't either way at some point she well paint you BLACK and move on to the next one.

I know how it feels and I know you miss her I do as well miss my EX. Actually the only part I miss is the time, moments we had together. (Which I guess it was a fake living not a true reality, she was only doing her work for not feeling alone, just using me, its sad)

For the rest I actually feel GREAT not having to deal with her constant lying, manipulation and secret plans, or if she was actually doing what she told me or just cheating on me living her miserable life

Keep moving forward Blim Blam! 

[Blimblam]

Thank you all.

This pain is incredible. I feel awful. I pushed her away completely by not accepting her and I probably hurt her. It served me no useful purpose.  I regret it.

Even though she devalued me so badly and set this ball in motion. I still chose to send those messages.

It makes sense this is about my want to make things right with my family. I want to move past this pain.

I want to forgive myself my family and her

I actually hate losing her as a friend.  This girl I care about her profoundly and I think I always will.

The quiet borderline waif my kryptonite. 

Despite everything I'm not mad at her just the behavior.

The devastation.

[Blimblam]

At the end here my own weakness pushed her away

[tim_tom]

Thank you all.

This pain is incredible. I feel awful. I pushed her away completely by not accepting her and I probably hurt her. It served me no useful purpose.  I regret it.

Even though she devalued me so badly and set this ball in motion. I still chose to send those messages.

It makes sense this is about my want to make things right with my family. I want to move past this pain.

I want to forgive myself my family and her

I actually hate losing her as a friend.  This girl I care about her profoundly and I think I always will.

The quiet borderline waif my kryptonite.  

Despite everything I'm not mad at her just the behavior.

The devastation.

ehh, I am not so sure ... .you should let go of the guilt and shame.

My T told me very explicitly that there would be no making her happy, she'd always find something new to stress about, some new reason to create drama. I asked, and went down a list of things I would do and she was shaking her head no the whole time.

You were trying to have a normal relationship with an abnormal person. It doesn't work, unless they are willing to make a concerted effort at growth. And they aren't, generally

Enjoy the ride you had, accept that a normal or conventional relationship with this women was impossible, and move forward, wiser for the experience.

[thereishope]

Thank you all.

This pain is incredible. I feel awful. I pushed her away completely by not accepting her and I probably hurt her. It served me no useful purpose.  I regret it.

Even though she devalued me so badly and set this ball in motion. I still chose to send those messages.

It makes sense this is about my want to make things right with my family. I want to move past this pain.

I want to forgive myself my family and her

I actually hate losing her as a friend.  This girl I care about her profoundly and I think I always will.

The quiet borderline waif my kryptonite.  

Despite everything I'm not mad at her just the behavior.

The devastation.

ehh, I am not so sure ... .you should let go of the guilt and shame.

My T told me very explicitly that there would be no making her happy, she'd always find something new to stress about, some new reason to create drama. I asked, and went down a list of things I would do and she was shaking her head no the whole time.

You were trying to have a normal relationship with an abnormal person. It doesn't work, unless they are willing to make a concerted effort at growth. And they aren't, generally

Enjoy the ride you had, accept that a normal or conventional relationship with this women was impossible, and move forward, wiser for the experience.

!

[Blimblam]

She actually texted me in sorry.  But I think she meant in sorry we can't be friends not he behavior

[Blimblam]

I guess this means I'm beyond black and white to her just complete indifference

[freedom33]

It doesn't work that way.  If I was where I am today back 15 years ago, things would not have gone differently.  They just would have ended sooner.

Exactly. The stronger you get the less likely you are to stay with them (unless if you have children - I 'd never abandon my children with a PD person). During our 14 month rs, I broke up with her twice + the final break. Went NC for 1 month during each. She 'd call and charm me back during those breaks. I 'd come back as I felt pity for her, she was so helpless and I also made promises to her to be by her side etc. and I considered myself a man of my word (that last bit will have to be re-evaluated along with 98% of myself... .).

After each break from her and the disorder, I was regaining my strength and coming back stronger and with new knowledge. The last time I had things well under control on my side. Don't complain, don't explain, no expectations, not thinking of her, going about my own business. Detached for the most part. She became even more dysregulated. She started clinging like in the honeymoon period. And also withdrawing suddenly. Only this time the clinging wasn't fun nor it felt secure - I knew now that it had nothing to do with me or how much she liked me. And on the other hand the withdrawal wasn't hurting much either - now it was clear to me that her behaviour was simply unacceptable, that it was not my fault and not in my powers to influence a 4 year old.

Eventually I realised that I don't want to spend the rest of my life managing a person with a very serious psychological disability. I am not going to save her nor the world. That helped.

So seriously blimblam - even if you have managed to do a little better ultimately the relationship is unlikely to have worked. Unless if you wanted to sacrifice your life for this person and be a martyr for no reason then give yourself a break. You have done the best you could. Take care of you now.

[Pingo]

I didn't know how to deal with a borderline and maybe with my new found wisdom once I fully heal it might possibly work?

After all my ex wasn't severely borderline she didn't cut and she never raged. She was a quiet borderline and before the devaluing I was "needy" stressed with work and placed grown up expectations on her she didn't understand.

I have had these thoughts as well.  But at some point we need to ask ourselves what did we truly get out of the r/s aside from fulfilling our caretaker role (which for me gave me a sense of value).  Were we ever the focus of the r/s? Were we ever nurtured?  I wasn't.  He was always at the center of the r/s.  His needs, his childhood trauma, his health issues, his values, his entitlement, these are what  ruled the r/s.  I gave and gave and gave.  I did so many amazing things for him, took him on trips, threw him a surprise 50th flying his family from out of province, so many thoughtful things.  What did he do for me?  Did he ever go out of his way to do special things for me to let me know that I mattered, that I was important?  Nope.  He just took and took and took.  And it was still never enough.  The sacrifice of my own happiness to save this marriage comes from my FOO issues which I am working hard to overcome.  I am now dreaming of a healthy r/s with a healthy man who wants to give to me as much as I give to him, who wants to invest in the r/s with caring and empathy.  Where in my childhood did I learn that I was unworthy and undeserving of unconditional love?  This is the question I am seeking an answer to.  I have read recently that you cannot have real intimacy when there is fear or mistrust.  I want the real thing!  I don't want to settle for some pseudo intimacy.  I am working on believing that I am capable and deserving of the real thing.

[Blimblam]

What I realize is because I opened my self completely to my ex like every boundary in me was open this allowed her projections to sink into me to my core and activated archetypes that exist within my unconcious mind and in these archetypes attempts to survive and defend themselves project outward.  I am dealing with them and their is no choice I have in the matter the projections I identified with set things in motion and now it is playing out.

The one I have been dealing with I would compare to two face from the dark knight and smeagal ️from lord of the rings.

[Blimblam]

When my ex projected the sinister impulsive child basically joker from the dark knight it turned my white knight into two face and the the dark knight has to arrive to handle things. 

In lord of the rings smeagal embodies two face and froto is the dark knight.

[ReluctantSurvivor]

Hello Blimblam,

  I can relate to your situation.  I was involved with a girl I would describe as a high functioning quiet pwBPD.  I loved this woman, and her son, with everything I had.  I still care deeply about her wellbeing.  However I know that no amount of care from me would have changed the end of our engagement.  Since the end I started remembering the forest of red flags I dismissed.  Each time I would give the benefit of the doubt.  I would tell myself we all make mistakes and people can grow.  Normal, emotionally developed people can.  A person with BPD is so deeply hurt that they arr only capable of repeating the same destructive relationship patterns over and over.

  The only thing that might help a pwBPD is years of therapy.  For that to occur the pwBPD has to acknowledge that they are disordered and want to help themselves.  No lover will ever help them heal.  At best we would be a crutch for a while until the weight of their disorder breaks us.  Then they will just find another crutch.

I have been away from my ex for two months.  She replaced me in 17 days after blindsiding me with the end of our 26 month relationship.  Even though she moved in with the new man after one date, my heart still hasn't let go.  My mind knows the whole situation is toxic.  For two years I was so busy addressing her constant issues (custody battle,  depression, unemployment, headaches, hairloss, fatigue, anemia, brittle nails, weight gain) that I stopped caring for my own problems.  Without her to focus on I am left with my broken down self.

I dear friend helped me this weekend.  She listened to my story and told me a bitter truth.  My ex is taking care of herself now, her new man is taking care of her.  I have to take the time and take care of me.  I have been lost with no map for two months.  If I keep looking for a relationship from the past I will never get home.

Take care of yourself.  Work on loving you.  Change your routine, find new things and new people to spend time with.  You will make it.  Letting go is so hard but you have to or you are going to drown.

You have made it through a relationship with the most corrosive type of human on earth.  You are strong enough to have made it here, you are strong enough to find your new life filled with stable love.

[Blimblam]

Thanks reluctant

I've been making progress.  Each time I hit a new wall of crapnin myself I seem to go through a cycle of incredibly intense emotions that seem like will once again break me and it brings me to my knees.  This is just what it takes.