Am I in the twilight zone? BPD mom influencing dad and brother.

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi Everyone,

Had a rough night last night. You know how sometimes everything just hits you all at once and you can't stop crying?

I went NC with my mom about a year ago, and, honestly, it was the best decision I ever made.  I have so much more peace in my life without her and I am finally feeling free of her guilt/rage/manipulation.  The problem is, my older brother (who still lives in the same city as my mom) and my dad (who is still, amazingly, married to my mom) have been completely cut off, too.  It's not because I've blocked their phone numbers or emails the way that I have with my mom... .it's just because I used to be the one that held everything together... .the one that reached out to them, that was the "sacrificial lamb" when my mom was rageful... .and now I'm not.  They "can't understand" why I am doing what I'm doing (which seems unbelievable to me because EVERYONE else can) and they think that I am being "vindictive" and "unreasonable."  I haven't cut them off - I haven't restricted their access to me... .to my husband... .to my daughter... .but we don't hear from either of them EVER.  No calls, no emails, no texts.  I'm not reaching out to them as often as I used to, obviously, but they are acting like the ball is only in my court and I am doing something to THEM by cutting my mom off.  I can't understand it.

Literally everyone else in my life understands what I've done.  Everyone.  I was abused for 30 years and I had a baby last year and decided that FINALLY... .I was done.  I decided I didn't want anything to do with her.  My dad has been married to her for 30+ years and she verbally abuses him regularly.  She berates him AND she constantly threatens him.  She has threatened to have him sent to jail, to murder him, you name it.  So I know my dad is stuck in a very very hard position because he is so abused and he doesn't know how to get out of the situation he is in, but I still don't think it's an excuse for not reaching out to me.  My brother is another story.  He could reach out to me whenever he wants to, but he doesn't.  He has always sort of been a hermit, anyway, and it's almost as though he's using this as an excuse not to talk to me.

Have any of you been in a similar situation?  Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy... .like I'm in the twilight zone because how... .HOW can they not understand what I've done? They've both witnessed and been the victim of so much of her abuse.  Am I missing something?  Am I doing something wrong?  But then I think that maybe they can UNDERSTAND it but it's just not what they WANT.  I used to be the one that kept things together and now they don't have that... .and they can't get out of the situation themselves so the only option they see is to make me come back to it... .and I don't want to.

I am so confused and I'm struggling to understand where they are coming from.  I know I haven't done anything wrong.

[lauren2013]

Hi Everyone,

Had a rough night last night. You know how sometimes everything just hits you all at once and you can't stop crying?

I went NC with my mom about a year ago, and, honestly, it was the best decision I ever made.  I have so much more peace in my life without her and I am finally feeling free of her guilt/rage/manipulation.  The problem is, my older brother (who still lives in the same city as my mom) and my dad (who is still, amazingly, married to my mom) have been completely cut off, too.  It's not because I've blocked their phone numbers or emails the way that I have with my mom... .it's just because I used to be the one that held everything together... .the one that reached out to them, that was the "sacrificial lamb" when my mom was rageful... .and now I'm not.  They "can't understand" why I am doing what I'm doing (which seems unbelievable to me because EVERYONE else can) and they think that I am being "vindictive" and "unreasonable."  I haven't cut them off - I haven't restricted their access to me... .to my husband... .to my daughter... .but we don't hear from either of them EVER.  No calls, no emails, no texts.  I'm not reaching out to them as often as I used to, obviously, but they are acting like the ball is only in my court and I am doing something to THEM by cutting my mom off.  I can't understand it.

Literally everyone else in my life understands what I've done.  Everyone.  I was abused for 30 years and I had a baby last year and decided that FINALLY... .I was done.  I decided I didn't want anything to do with her.  My dad has been married to her for 30+ years and she verbally abuses him regularly.  She berates him AND she constantly threatens him.  She has threatened to have him sent to jail, to murder him, you name it.  So I know my dad is stuck in a very very hard position because he is so abused and he doesn't know how to get out of the situation he is in, but I still don't think it's an excuse for not reaching out to me.  My brother is another story.  He could reach out to me whenever he wants to, but he doesn't.  He has always sort of been a hermit, anyway, and it's almost as though he's using this as an excuse not to talk to me.

Have any of you been in a similar situation?  Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy... .like I'm in the twilight zone because how... .HOW can they not understand what I've done? They've both witnessed and been the victim of so much of her abuse.  Am I missing something?  Am I doing something wrong?  But then I think that maybe they can UNDERSTAND it but it's just not what they WANT.  I used to be the one that kept things together and now they don't have that... .and they can't get out of the situation themselves so the only option they see is to make me come back to it... .and I don't want to.

I am so confused and I'm struggling to understand where they are coming from.  I know I haven't done anything wrong.

[jmanvo2015]

Hi Lauren,

I'm really very sorry for you for the situation your BPD mom has caused for you.  Really. Virtual hug.  When you say, "Have any of you been in a similar situation?"  Yes. Yes, I have and am in the same situation and often. 

My uBPD mom is very vengeful and rageful and has always controlled the family dynamics to the extent that others either aren't aware of how bad her behavior is, or they see it and make excuses for it.  My mother can literally and figuratively beat the crap out of me, and still people in my family, including her husband, my NPD stepfather, will say, "See what YOU made your mother do?"

I don't have any advice for you, but rather total sympathy and empathy because I could've written this post - change change the players in my family a little bit.  There is nothing in the world that has been more frustrating for me than the lack of validation regarding my mother's craziness.  I am 45 and still being used as the scapegoat for her rages and bad behavior.

So, yes, yes, yes, I have been in the same situation.  You are actually ahead of me, though, because I just two weeks ago found this board and other online resources and a T to work on the issues that I have as a result of my mom's uBPD.  Before this, I honestly didn't even really understand what is all making sense now.  It's still an awakening every day when I see posts like yours from others that have had and are having the same exact issues as me with a uPBDm.

So, I'm not really in a position to give advice, but I would like to give you some reassurance that I believe you are doing the right thing by going NC to take care of yourself and new child.  It's a shame your dad and brother don't understand and I 'hear' how painful this is for you.  I hope that others can give you some advice maybe for ways to help you either cope or resolve those relationships too.

But right now really just sending you the validation I never get when my crazy mom acts crazy and turns everyone against me.  IT'S NOT YOU - It's her!