I hate to admit this... but I am afraid

[WhoMe51]

It goes with that old saying that something is better than nothing.  I keep thinking that I will be happy again like I was in the past.  So I keep holding on believing that somehow, some way I will be content like I was in the beginning.  So I keep trying.  I keep trying because I love her.    I have been dancing for over 4 yrs now with my dBPDgf.  She refuses to go to counseling or to take meds.  She wants us to go to couples counseling.  We have gone once and she played the victim.  The therapist gave me a list of things to do, while he sympathized with her.  On some days, she isn't that bad.  She really seems to be normal.  I find myself dreading when the bad times will come.   I feel so confused.  I was going to therapy, but my therapist quit because she said that there wasn't much she could do for me.  The rest was up to me.  I know I am rambling and I'm all over the page with this post.  I am afraid to let go.  I am afraid to be alone.  I am afraid that she will be happy and I will still be wishing that we could have worked out.  She gave me an ultimatum.  Either we get married or we end it.  What do I do?  What choice do I have? I feel like my good years are running out.  I go back in forth on which board to post on.  I just wish I could determine what I wanted to do.

[WhoMe51]

WhoMe51,

Let me give you some encouragement.  I can tell you are confused.  You are the only one who can figure this out.  If she isn't going to get help or take her meds, there probably isn't a whole lot you can do.  And couples counseling rarely works.  Because as you saw, pwBPD never take responsibility for their actions.  Nor do they admit they have caused you pain.  You have to remember that you didn't cause this, you cant change this nor can you cure it.  It has to be up to the pwBPD to seek and want help.  Because as you have probably seen, everything is your fault.  You have become her trigger in her mind.  You have been taken off the pedestal and no matter how hard you try to go back to the beginning stages, you will never get there.  You are addicted to that high feeling that she gave you.  She probably studied and listened to you in the beginning.  She figured out what you wanted and needed by listening to you.  You have to figure out what keeps you in this relationship.  And only you can do that for yourself.  Hang in there.  I know it gets depressing at times but you will figure it out as you go.  Find a good therapist who won't drop you.  Surround yourself with positive people.  Go to the gym and work it out.  Do what you love to do.  And remember I am here for you.  Don't give up!