Any Success stories of forgiving your ex internally

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

A friend of mine recently said eventually I will have to forgive my ex not necessarily for her but for myself. My therapist said the same. Even had a technique for me to retrain my brain. The technique goes like this. When I'm feeling angry or furious or whatever I'm supposed to keep saying in my mind I forgive you. Supposedly it is supposed to be fake at first but eventually become real or genuine. This has not happened and actually makes me more pissed to be honest. I recently decided to just try to switch it in the meantime and just say I forgive myself when it happens. Doesn't make me feel better either but doesn't make me even more pissed so I guess I prefer my switch up of it for now. Anyone really truly internally forgive they're ex successfully? I can see the anger actually effects me and not so much her so I can definitely see why people say I need to eventually forgive. Also I've seen people on TV forgive criminals who have done horrible things to theyre family members like rape or murder or something like that. I just don't know how they do it.

[AG]

A friend of mine recently said eventually I will have to forgive my ex not necessarily for her but for myself. My therapist said the same. Even had a technique for me to retrain my brain. The technique goes like this. When I'm feeling angry or furious or whatever I'm supposed to keep saying in my mind I forgive you. Supposedly it is supposed to be fake at first but eventually become real or genuine. This has not happened and actually makes me more pissed to be honest. I recently decided to just try to switch it in the meantime and just say I forgive myself when it happens. Doesn't make me feel better either but doesn't make me even more pissed so I guess I prefer my switch up of it for now. Anyone really truly internally forgive they're ex successfully? I can see the anger actually effects me and not so much her so I can definitely see why people say I need to eventually forgive. Also I've seen people on TV forgive criminals who have done horrible things to theyre family members like rape or murder or something like that. I just don't know how they do it.

[tim_tom]

I am getting there through a similar technique. I know repetition and reinforcement of conscious thought can influence the subconscious where emotions lie. Why do i know this? Because it's through the same mechanisms her constant criticism, put downs  and devaluing made me into an emotional mess to begin with.

I think though that repeating "i forgive you" is putting the cart before the horse so to speak. The REAL first step is ACCEPTANCE of the true reality, forgiveness naturally follows.

When emotions rise... .I think to myself, over and over and over the below, until i feel better

I know that she is ill

I know I was trying to have a healthy relationship with an unhealthy individual

I know that this isn't, wasn't and is never going to be possible


A side benefit is it disrupts the flow of emotions into the thinking mind.

It's that simple. How silly of me, I was trying to fit a square peg into a round hole all of this time.  I actually chuckle a bit.

[SpringInMyStep]

Hi AG... .I know you responded to my "anger is gone" post. I wanted to say I don't think there was any special technique that I used. It just takes time. I was spending a LOT of time seething, somewhat involuntarily, blaming her, just going over what happened, saying things in my head that I wish I could say to her... .everything.

Something just clicked and I realized that I really don't think she, or any BPDs, do this stuff intentionally. Doesn't make it any less painful for us, but what calmed me down was the realization that my wife has a serious mental illness and she's not being treated for it. Heck, she won't even really admit that most of her behavior is because of BPD.

I feel sorry for her. It just suddenly switched from anger to pity... .I guess that might involve forgiveness.

I don't think there's a science to this... .we each go through this process at our own pace.

[Hopeless777]

This was a real tough one for me because we were married nearly 28 years and she's been full blown BPD for the last two years and we've been separated now for four very painful months. Over the last two years she's done a lot of really bad stuff to me, but I have forgiven her even though we're in the middle of divorce proceedings that will most likely ruin me financially forever. I think forgiveness is as much, if not more so, for ourselves so we can move on. I used to think that one had to be asked for foregiveness before deciding whether to grant it. Even though she's intentionally broken my heart so many times, I forgive her. Maybe it's because I love and adore her still, or maybe it's for me, or maybe because Jesus commanded it. I don't know. I just know that as frustrated as I may often become, I forgive her. It actually has brightened my heart a bit, even though I'm crushed to the core. No one promised an easy life. And mine has seen its shares of ups and downs, but I refuse to be bitter, and I choose to forgive.

[AG]

This was a real tough one for me because we were married nearly 28 years and she's been full blown BPD for the last two years and we've been separated now for four very painful months. Over the last two years she's done a lot of really bad stuff to me, but I have forgiven her even though we're in the middle of divorce proceedings that will most likely ruin me financially forever. I think forgiveness is as much, if not more so, for ourselves so we can move on. I used to think that one had to be asked for foregiveness before deciding whether to grant it. Even though she's intentionally broken my heart so many times, I forgive her. Maybe it's because I love and adore her still, or maybe it's for me, or maybe because Jesus commanded it. I don't know. I just know that as frustrated as I may often become, I forgive her. It actually has brightened my heart a bit, even though I'm crushed to the core. No one promised an easy life. And mine has seen its shares of ups and downs, but I refuse to be bitter, and I choose to forgive.

How long did it take you to forgive?

[fromheeltoheal]

I started with a desire for revenge, fueled by anger, and fortunately learned that the best revenge is massive success, however we define it, and I defined it as living a happy, centered, content life, far removed from the chaos.  And happiness is created by progress.  So that initial anger and desire for revenge motivated me to start living a life I chose to live despite her, and it eventually just became my life, one I'm very happy with.  I now see her as a sick person and not a bad one, and all of the emotional energy is gone; is that forgiveness?  I dunno, doesn't matter anymore.  It took me a year and a half to get here.

[Hopeless777]

This was a real tough one for me because we were married nearly 28 years and she's been full blown BPD for the last two years and we've been separated now for four very painful months. Over the last two years she's done a lot of really bad stuff to me, but I have forgiven her even though we're in the middle of divorce proceedings that will most likely ruin me financially forever. I think forgiveness is as much, if not more so, for ourselves so we can move on. I used to think that one had to be asked for foregiveness before deciding whether to grant it. Even though she's intentionally broken my heart so many times, I forgive her. Maybe it's because I love and adore her still, or maybe it's for me, or maybe because Jesus commanded it. I don't know. I just know that as frustrated as I may often become, I forgive her. It actually has brightened my heart a bit, even though I'm crushed to the core. No one promised an easy life. And mine has seen its shares of ups and downs, but I refuse to be bitter, and I choose to forgive.

How long did it take you to forgive?

Been a year and four months since she was arrested for DV on me. Recently I've found out about embezzlement and other things. But, you know, we're all imperfect... .maybe BPDs are just more so. After four months of separation and excruciating legal proceedings that are still early on, I just came to the forgiveness part today after pretty much lounging around for three days after my deposition. Maybe the quite time gave me more time for introspection, soul searching, and self examination. She's a lost soul. My anger whether internalized or externalized was just eating me alive. Perhaps my path out of the abyss is forgiveness. I'm not rolling over in the divorce proceedings, but now I can say I've released the hatred and bitterness and achieved a certain level of freedom in foregiveness.

[Blimblam]

Sometimes I think I'm not even forgiving her I'm forgiving what she projected into me that seems to have taken up a life of it's own.

[blissful_camper]

I had a difficult time forgiving him because we were best friends, and our friendship was a long one.  I was a mess, and after a while that grief turned into intense anger.  I validated myself when I felt waves of anger. 

I said things like "Hang on, this will pass" "It's natural to feel this way" "You're doing so well, Bliss" "I'm proud of you" "You'll get through this"

Forgiveness for him arrived unexpectedly. When it did it was like the sky opened up. I felt a huge sense of relief.  I think that forgiving him was a process in itself. Intellectually, I knew he was ill, and I accepted that. Yet when I searched my emotions and memory trying to retrieve something that would enable me to forgive, I kept coming back empty handed. It was frustrating because I knew I had to forgive so that I could continue moving forward.  The thing that allowed me to forgive was a lie, so unnecessary yet so profound, I was overwhelmed by sadness for him.  At that moment, I said to myself, "Oh wow, he's really, really ill." That's when I forgave him. I guess they call that Acceptance.

[AG]

Sometimes I think I'm not even forgiving her I'm forgiving what she projected into me that seems to have taken up a life of it's own.

Your preaching to the choir the feed of negative energy for so long definitely overtakes and takes up a life of its own for me.

[LettingGo14]

AG:

So much of what we suffer is emotional and psychological pain.  We feel injured, even broken.   I heard the Buddhist story of two arrows early on.   It says that, when we suffer such pain, it is often the result of "two" arrows:

When we encounter something that leads to pain (or even just dissatisfaction) we tend to then start up a whole bunch of mental processes that lead to more suffering — often adding more pain than there was originally. We experience aversion to the dissatisfaction, and then indulge in blaming, and criticism.  Often directed toward self. So it’s as if our response to being shot by an arrow is to shoot ourselves with another arrow.

Here's how I addressed the forgiveness issue --

When I stumbled upon this community, I realized that I was NOT alone in my suffering.  For whatever reason, it let me stop taking my suffering so personally.   We all suffer.   Every single person on the planet faces some sort of suffering -- whether health, career, relationship, or other.

Learning about BPD helped me "let go" of my ex-girlfriend.   I could not do anything to save her, or our relationship.  I could, however, "accept" my suffering as a teacher.   I consented to life as it is now, and I turned all attention to my internal pain.

Forgiveness, for me, started with self-forgiveness.  I stopped beating myself up for feeling such pain.  I learned to say "I consent" to the pain, and I began to lean into it without self-judgment.   One of the best books I read was "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chodron, a Buddhist nun.  She teaches "wisdom of no escape" from emotional pain.  That was followed, for me, by Tara Brach's "True Refuge" where she teaches RAIN technique -- "Recognize, Allow, Investigate, Non-Identification."

Oddly enough, we hold onto our pain so tightly, and it becomes part of our identity.  When we accept it as trying to tell us something, and we accept it, it starts to go away.   

Be kind to yourself, AG.   

[RisingSun]

I used to think that for me to move on and heal from the abuse that was inflected on me by my BPDxw, I had to forgive her. I am now feeling that forgiveness is only for those who come to terms with what they've done to hurt me and acknowledge the damage they've done.

You might find Alice Miller's work interesting. She writes about forgiveness as a part of poisonous pedagogy. Her feelings are-that while the theory of forgiveness is morally just, the actuality of it erases or minimizes the trauma that is kept in the body. Without the help of an enlightened witness, the repressed pain stays locked up and doesn't resolve itself.

Miller claims that preaching forgiveness is hypocritical, futile, and actively harmful. Harmful because the body doesn't understand moral precepts. She does add that one may rightly forgive someone else if that person realizes what they've done, though, and they apologize for the pain they've caused.

Check out this short article - www.kevinannett.com/2012/06/06/the-forgiveness-fallacy-standing-by-our-painful-truth/

I refuse to forgive my xw until she gives me an appropriate apology. I don't expect this to happen. So I will go on with my life and continue to heal from the pain and turmoil she inflected on me over the years. I in no way think that when I forgive her that all will be well and that I'll somehow move to a deeper level of recovery.

I look back on our 11 years together and realize that it was my ability to "forgive" that kept me stuck in the abusive cycle. Forgiveness gave me a false sense of hope that if I forgive this person they will somehow change if given another chance.

I feel forgiveness is over rated and there's no real proof that forgiveness frees us from the emotional damage abuse has inflected. Why would you want to allow the abuser to move on as a forgiven person and remain unaccountable? It may be best to work on moving on and processing the emotions you're feeling before you jump to forgiveness.

[tim_tom]

I think you forgive because it is their nature to do what they did. It's not easy, but focusing on their disorder, which is real and relationship killing allows your concurrently forgive and accept that there is no future with this person other then a painful one.

[Hawk Ridge]

I struggle with the forgiveness concept because I tend to go there before anger. My T is working on that with me as I have a tremendous amount of compassion for the painful journey my ex has been on.   We have been friends since we were kids so I am aware of her trauma.  That said, the practice I use is chakra driven.  I allow my heart chakras to open to hers as I imagine her at different phases i her life, starting with pics of her when she was very little. I approach each pic, looking into those eyes that had life and depth before the last few months when her eyes became vacant, and say to each with my heart chakras open, "I love you, I forgive you, and I release you and any negative things between us into the care of God."  I have a series of probably 10 different ages and stages in her life that I do this too.  Although I miss her greatly and each day remains a struggle, i find this exercise helps me as I feel a release and just better as I know she is in God's most capable hands, not my human ones. My human hands need to work on me, with God's help. 

[JRav59]

I am still in transition with all of this, but I definitely feel like I am making strides. I was fortunate enough to always kind of know that she had a history of issues. She had a few moments of crazy and we ended up in therapy. Things were tolerable until she went overseas and she regressed back to viciousness, not listening and crazy. I didn't tolerate it for very long.  I said my goodbyes and did my best to pick up the pieces. I have been holding onto quite a bit of anger. I took on her issues and made them mine. I have really gotten into guided meditation, visualization and therapy. I know that I need to cut these chords and remember that her issues with everything is not my problem to take on anymore. I have a much brighter future knowing she is not in my life anymore. When I get upset I remind myself:

This is a sick person

Trust your gut, it gets stronger each day

You got out and know your limits. I will be eternally grateful

You're stronger than you believe

I have been reoccurring dreams with her in them. Last night I followed her for a long time. I sat her down finally and said, "I can't do this anymore. I think you are a sick person. You have borderline personality disorder. You need help. No one can take this on but you. Please give yourself and future partners a chance."

She burst into tears and said she was so sorry, clung to me and I felt her fade away. (something I know she would never do) I woke up feeling like maybe I had just released something major. These dream are becoming frequent. I think I am finally releasing this.

It sucks to be so hurt right now. The good news is that we will no longer be bogged down by someone else's disease. We know the warning signs now. We have a very bright future ahead.  a future that no longer needs to be dictated by one person. <3

[Pingo]

I flip back and forth between anger and acceptance.  For instance, it was his birthday the other day and at first I had feelings like I hoped he had a miserable day because I was so pissed with him as he has a bunch of my stuff, owes me money, won't budge in giving it back, ignoring me altogether when I ask for my stuff... .But then when I voiced these feelings to my friend I felt that I really didn't want him to have a miserable birthday, I felt compassion for him.  Such mixed feelings!  Then I realised that being capable of mixed feelings is healthy!  Hating him and having compassion for him at the same time is me being emotionally mature!  It is those with BPD (and young children) that are unable to have mixed feelings therefore the black and white thinking.  I also realised that I am still engaging in this r/s by hating him and allowing him to control me by not giving back my stuff and feeling robbed.  So I have decided to let go of my stuff (even though some of it is very important to me) and in doing so let go of him and this r/s.  This is the only way for me to have a chance to heal and move on.  And my healing is more important than any 'stuff'!

For me, Forgiveness = acceptance and letting go. 

[Clearmind]

Nope I had to forgive myself - for putting myself in harms ways and not exercising boundaries and limits to protect myself. My ex didn't do anything to me. I stayed despite my mind and gut telling me otherwise.

I forgave me and healed from my own past that brought me to a very dysfunctional relationship. We both brought dysfunction to the relationship. I can't heal him but I sure can heal me so I don't choose another Borderline.

I know my reasons for choosing my ex! It took a whole but I found them. That's when I truly started to detach. Now I love him for what he has taught me because I could still be blind to my own issues.

[fromheeltoheal]

I know my reasons for choosing my ex! It took a whole but I found them. That's when I truly started to detach. Now I love him for what he has taught me because I could still be blind to my own issues.

Yep, the gift of the relationship.

[Blimblam]

When I hear forgiving my ex internally. I identify that as forgiving my internal ex. My internal ex is how I identified with what she projected into me. So what I am forgiving is within me. She projected into me and now those projections are a part of me. So when ever I think of my ex I am thinking of what she projected into me which is me. So I am forgiving myself really. So I can love myself. Because the love I projected was in me also and my love for that good part of her is in me also.

[Mutt]

I know my reasons for choosing my ex! It took a whole but I found them. That's when I truly started to detach. Now I love him for what he has taught me because I could still be blind to my own issues.

Yep, the gift of the relationship.

AG,

Baby steps. Dig through your own stuff. I'm grateful for my ex. If it weren't for her I think that I would of continued down a path of pain and suffering.

It took a very difficult personality disorder to stop. To take a very hard look at myself and dig through my own issues.

She changed everything. She changed my life.

[AG]

When I hear forgiving my ex internally. I identify that as forgiving my internal ex. My internal ex is how I identified with what she projected into me. So what I am forgiving is within me. She projected into me and now those projections are a part of me. So when ever I think of my ex I am thinking of what she projected into me which is me. So I am forgiving myself really. So I can love myself. Because the love I projected was in me also and my love for that good part of her is in me also.

Thats deep bro. Never thought of it that way before.

[AG]

Sometimes I think I'm not even forgiving her I'm forgiving what she projected into me that seems to have taken up a life of it's own.

Your preaching to the choir the feed of negative energy for so long definitely overtakes and takes up a life of its own for me.

I say internally btw because I do not see ever saying to her face to face that I forgive her especially being that she is not sorry for any wrong doing. I have no choice at this point to give forgivness on an internal level.

[Blimblam]

Ag

I really think the forgiveness will come one if two ways. The first being you just write her off as a bad person and move on. Or 2 by really digging through all of the projections and triggers and how you identified with a projection am how she identified with a projection. Then realizing that the drama is still playing out within you with all the same Charachters even though she's moved on. Therefore it is reconciling between these characters that exist within you. 

The second way would require one to really tune into the different energies at play and recognize them for what they are. It's not an easy path but.  If it was easy everyone would be doing it.

[AG]

Ag

I really think the forgiveness will come one if two ways. The first being you just write her off as a bad person and move on. Or 2 by really digging through all of the projections and triggers and how you identified with a projection am how she identified with a projection. Then realizing that the drama is still playing out within you with all the same Charachters even though she's moved on. Therefore it is reconciling between these characters that exist within you. 

The second way would require one to really tune into the different energies at play and recognize them for what they are. It's not an easy path but.  If it was easy everyone would be doing it.

Ur avsolutely right it def isnt an easy path at all. Thanks for the advice

[goldylamont]

You might find Alice Miller's work interesting. She writes about forgiveness as a part of poisonous pedagogy. Her feelings are-that while the theory of forgiveness is morally just, the actuality of it erases or minimizes the trauma that is kept in the body. Without the help of an enlightened witness, the repressed pain stays locked up and doesn't resolve itself.

Miller claims that preaching forgiveness is hypocritical, futile, and actively harmful. Harmful because the body doesn't understand moral precepts. She does add that one may rightly forgive someone else if that person realizes what they've done, though, and they apologize for the pain they've caused.

Check out this short article - www.kevinannett.com/2012/06/06/the-forgiveness-fallacy-standing-by-our-painful-truth/

I refuse to forgive my xw until she gives me an appropriate apology. I don't expect this to happen. So I will go on with my life and continue to heal from the pain and turmoil she inflected on me over the years. I in no way think that when I forgive her that all will be well and that I'll somehow move to a deeper level of recovery.

I look back on our 11 years together and realize that it was my ability to "forgive" that kept me stuck in the abusive cycle. Forgiveness gave me a false sense of hope that if I forgive this person they will somehow change if given another chance.

I feel forgiveness is over rated and there's no real proof that forgiveness frees us from the emotional damage abuse has inflected. Why would you want to allow the abuser to move on as a forgiven person and remain unaccountable? It may be best to work on moving on and processing the emotions you're feeling before you jump to forgiveness.

there is a lot of truth in this RisingSun. i've felt the word forgiveness is misused often in our society and i never could identify with the way that many friends/people were using it. it didn't feel right... .and then i read the definition of it that i quote below. this definition makes complete sense to me. Karla MacLaren (author of The Language of Emotions and an empath who experienced trauma herself) is the only person i've heard tie together forgiveness with anger, fear and sadness without disrespecting these other emotions; rather she shows how important all of them are in recovery.

me right now? i'm smiling while saying this--i truly do feel like i am able to forgive my ex, completely and totally. and not in a fake way that makes me feel like i am denying some part of myself. but, i'm not 100% there yet. i still have some things to work through (whilst i'm still on these boards), but i feel like i'm most of the way there. i even had another layer lift, another little breakthrough a few weeks ago after a stressful day of work. i was under a ton of pressure to get things up and running before monday morn for an office i do consulting for. what started out as a short maintenance project turned out to be an all night battle to get things back online so people could work the next day--i was able to get things working just in the nick of time before people showed up. i had a huge rush of gratitude, whew! and then for some reason unbeknownst to me i also felt better about this old r/s. i think being under such stress completely unrelated to my r/s past made me realize how small to me my issues with the past and the r/s now actually were. i just had some real stress, so any old r/s stuff was cake compared to that.

RisingSun I'm 2.5 years of a 4 year r/s. and i'm just getting here. you were together for 11 years, this is significant. i would only look at recovery in terms of years. you may need at least half a decade to really get your stride. also, i've tried all kinds of things along the way that i feel helped to push me towards forgiveness. including the book i quote below, plus meditation and other techniques i've picked up along the way. i think for me though, early on, i made a promise to myself that there was no way in hell i was going to let this woman control my life. i'm not going to pine for her, i'm not going to be pissed off at her ghost. there was no effin way i was going to let her sleazy ways define who i was or my happiness. i've just always had this as a challenge to myself. eff her, basically. and everything that was negative that she left in my psyche. ugh, i used to hate the thought of having to let go of the anger--because it wasn't time. you shouldn't try when it's not time. there will be a time when you will consult with yourself and realize that you simply don't want it anymore, so then you will naturally be open to ways to get rid of it.

i think it's important to start now by saying the opposite of "i will never forgive her" -- eff that! by whose law? how powerful is this woman really? this powerful? my ex may have acted like a spawned devil but honestly the only reaction she is getting from me now is that she's a pouty loser. damn RisingSun i am not one to judge as i do feel that there are plenty of cases of abuse out there that are unforgiveable. i would never shame someone or expect them to forgive because some people have been through much more than me. i understand this. at the same time i have a fighting spirit and i see any connection to my ex, even ruminations and justified anger as giving my power over to an insignificant loose little girl. eff that. not me. this was part of the path of my anger to forgiveness, now it feels much better.

forgiveness for me is a state where i know in my heart that neither this person, nor the image i have of them, can hurt me any longer. and i refuse to let them hurt me any longer, even if it takes years of me working on just me to get there.

also, i think it's extremely important for you to redefine forgiveness for yourself. if you don't get it from this post or the quote below, keep searching until you find something that fits with your personality and understanding. it should 'feel' right, not forced. what you were doing during your r/s with your ex wasn't forgiveness--it was compliance and should be seen as such. i wouldn't use the bad examples of forgiveness in the past when it didn't work out to define forgiveness in the future. i don't think you need to do the same thing again, this time better. i think you need a paradigm shift in the definition of forgiveness that feels complete and wholesome for you. for me, it means this person can never hurt me again (and that i refuse to allow myself to self-harm with thoughts of her as well).

[goldylamont]

below is a quote about forgiveness from one of my favorite books. i hope you enjoy. i've been rereading this a lot lately:

McLaren, Karla (2010-06-01). The Language of Emotions (p. 122). Sounds True. Kindle Edition.

Forgiveness is not an emotion, and it can’t take the place of one. It is a decision made by your whole self after your true emotional work has been done. You can’t move to forgiveness until your emotions move you consciously through stages one and two, because your emotions are the only things in your psyche that can move energies, memories, and imbalances into your awareness. Your body can hold your pain, and your mind and spirit can remember your pain, but until you know how you feel about your pain, you won’t be able to unearth it. If your pain is tucked very deeply into your unconscious (as traumas usually are), only strong and urgent emotions will be able to dislodge it. Therefore, the movement to the true forgiveness available in stage three often requires not just anger, but rage and fury; not just fear, but terror and panic; not just sadness, but despair and suicidal urges. Real forgiveness is not a dainty or delicate process—it’s a visceral and deeply emotive awakening from a trancelike state. It is, in essence, a return from the dead. Real, foundational forgiveness is a messy, loud, thrashing process of coming back from death into life. It looks on an empathic level like those animals I helped heal as a child. There’s shaking, kicking, grunting, trembling, and spitting—and then it’s done.

Real forgiveness isn’t a polite and teary gesture, made with a bowed head and demurely folded hands. Real forgiveness would never, ever say, “I see that you were doing the best you knew how, and I forgive you.” No! Real forgiveness has an entirely different take on the subject. Real forgiveness does not make excuses for other people’s improper behavior. Real forgiveness does not tell itself that everyone always does the best they know how, because that’s preposterous. Do you always do your best? Do I? Of course not! We all make mistakes, and we all do things we’re not proud of. Real forgiveness knows this; it doesn’t set itself up as an advocate for the tormentors in your life. It doesn’t make excuses for the disruptive behavior of others—because that sort of nonsense only increases your cycling between stages one and two.

Real forgiveness says, “I see that you were doing what worked for you at the time, but it never, ever worked for me!” Real forgiveness knows that real wounding took place; therefore, real fingers have to be pointed so that real movement through the underworld of suffering can occur. When that real movement has been made, real forgiveness raises you up off the ground, wipes off the spit, pulls the twigs out of your hair, and testifies, “You can’t hurt me anymore! It’s over and I’m free! You have no power in my life!” Real forgiveness is a process that creates true separations from torment and tormentors, and true separations require the proper application of boundary-restoring anger, or they won’t mean a thing. When your anger-supported boundaries are restored again, forgiveness will be as easy as falling off a log. Forgiveness naturally follows the honorable restoration of your sense of self. Anger and forgiveness are not opposing forces; they are completely equal partners in the true healing of your soul.

When people hear that forgiveness is good and anger is bad, they generally do that first kind of demure, head-bowing forgiveness. It looks very evolved and saintly on the outside, but it has very bad effects in the inner world. Forgiveness performed from the unconscious position of stages one and two does two things: it excuses the behavior of others, and it reduces our ability to be conscious and present with the pain we truly feel. When we rush to forgiveness, we lose our connection to our original wounds. Forgiving before we’ve fully engaged with our wounding only short-circuits the healing process. We tell ourselves we’re done because we’ve forgiven, but the wound and all of its attendant emotions only moves into the shadow. The pain goes underground—and then it goes haywire.

I’ve seen, for example, people forgive their fathers from stages one and two and then distrust all authority figures, or create insanely close relationships with people who behave just as their fathers did. The anger moves off the father and then oozes unchecked through their psyche and the world. I’ve seen people forgive their grandmothers before they’ve moved to stage three and then hate all women or all signs of the mature feminine, or enter into relationships and jobs that mimic exactly the emotional atmosphere of their early lives. Again, the grandmother is protected to a certain extent, but the individual and the world he or she inhabits becomes utterly toxic. When we forgive before we’re done feeling the effects of our initiatory experiences, we artificially remove our gaze from the actual wounding event or person. We lose our connection to our emotional realities and to the wounds we carry, and then those wounds careen and lurch unchecked throughout our lives and our culture. Forgiving from stages one and two creates nothing but more wounding.

In true forgiveness, we return to the original stage-one initiatory moment (to that sense or feeling) with the help of our boundary-defining anger and our intuition-restoring fear. Both emotions move us through imbalance and into understanding, and then they contribute the energy we need to move to blessed resolution. Working with our strong emotions (by learning their language and channeling them, rather than expressing or repressing them) restores our focus and our equilibrium. With the help of our emotions, our wounds become not never-ending tragedies, but specific portals through which we can discover our true resilience. Channeling our emotions properly allows us to arrive whole at the very center of our psyches—and from that place of restored equilibrium, forgiveness is a natural and simple thing.

Jesus said we should forgive seventy times seven times, and I don’t think he meant that we should find 490 people to transgress against us. I think Jesus was trying to tell us that deep wounds require more than just one pass through forgiveness before they are truly healed. Forgiveness, then, becomes a practice in itself. First, we might forgive after a bout of properly channeled fury, and we’ll get our boundaries back—our authentic and honored anger will help us rediscover our strength and separateness. Next, we might forgive after a bout of consciously welcomed terror, and we’ll retrieve our instincts—our honest and welcomed fear will help us become safer and saner in each day. Then, we might forgive after a bout of deep despair, and in awakening our crushed and broken hearts, we’ll become able to love again—even through pain and betrayal.

I’ve seen this process unfold many times in survivors of childhood trauma, whose wounds seem to wrap themselves throughout their psyches. I always suggest that these people go to the library and find books about the developmental processes that were occurring at the time of their traumas (such as the Your Two-Year-Old or Your Five-Year-Old books).[6] It’s fascinating reading, because early trauma insinuates itself into the learning and socialization processes of survivors. Depending on their age at the time of the trauma, people might have trauma responses swirled into their language skills (as I did), their hand-eye coordination, their eating behaviors, or their ability to attach and belong. Trauma at an early age can also predispose the brain toward learning and behavioral disabilities, and even ongoing depressive or anxiety disorders. For childhood trauma survivors, the process of forgiveness is quite lengthy (just as Jesus said it would be), because the trauma grows up with them. There’s not one decisive forgiveness episode; instead, forgiveness is a gradual process of strengthening and unwinding, strengthening and unwinding further, and so on. This gradual process helps trauma survivors separate their innate selves from their traumatic behaviors. Their authentic emotions lead them into their real troubles, and then help them restore themselves to wholeness. Their bodies can safely recall the trauma, while their minds translate freely, their emotions flow unencumbered, and their visions are welcomed. Sometimes this healing process requires the help of therapeutic tribes, while at other times it is a solitary movement, but the process is always totally original, deeply emotive, and stunningly beautiful.

Real forgiveness is an intense healing journey with no shortcuts, no magical techniques, and no road map—it is a soul-making and culture-healing process that requires the fullness of a village inside you. Real forgiveness frees people and shoots them forward in consciousness, and that sort of movement only occurs in a resourced psyche where the body, the multiple intelligences, the visionary spirit, and all of the emotions are allowed to move freely. Real forgiveness can’t exist without true anger, true despair, true fear, and true emotional integrity. Anger and forgiveness are not bitterly warring enemies; they are essential and irreplaceable aspects of the process of fully healing and restoring the entire self, and this process can only be undertaken in a soulful, and therefore emotive, way.

McLaren, Karla (2010-06-01). The Language of Emotions (p. 122). Sounds True. Kindle Edition.

[RisingSun]

Very insightful post goldylamont. Thank you for making me think deeper on the subject of forgiveness.

Before I read McLaren’s quote I wrote this in response to your first post.

I think we may be on the same page. The way I see it, often people use the word forgiveness as a verb, as though we have control over the act of “forgiving”. I understand forgiveness much the same way as love. Love is not something we have control over. Love is spontaneous and can’t be willed into existence. Same goes for forgiveness.

The way I have experienced true forgiveness is through the passage of time. For me forgiveness was the end result of consciously moving through and processing grief, anger, shame, etc. I wasn’t consciously trying to “forgive”, forgiveness was the byproduct of looking within and working on Self recovery.

Forgiveness to me is not a means to an end nor is it my main objective in the healing process. I will welcome forgiveness when it arrives, naturally. Until then, I’m content with feeling through all that arises within me, while holding my feelings in a kind space.

The “forgiveness” I was using while married to my xw is not what I would now understand as true forgiveness. That “forgiveness” was more like doubling down over and over again. This act of “forgiveness” brought with it a lot of resentment, which I repressed as best I could.

That’s the danger in not understanding what true forgiveness is and how it comes about in the natural process of healing. As I see it, forgiveness is not a tool, it’s a release.   

Funny how being freed from an abusive relationship opens your eyes to things you never really thought that deeply about. I’m starting to see the gifts pwBPD leave us with, even though they’re wrapped in flypaper and razorblades.


After reading Mclaren’s quote I'm understanding the true process and nature of forgiveness at a deeper level. Thank you for sharing.

[Blimblam]

Wow the last few posts were really insightful. One of the main things this relationship has taught me is what true forgiveness really is and like you stated it seems more like the byproduct of really deep inner work that is visceral and excruciating.

[Waifed]

AG:

So much of what we suffer is emotional and psychological pain.  We feel injured, even broken.   I heard the Buddhist story of two arrows early on.   It says that, when we suffer such pain, it is often the result of "two" arrows:

When we encounter something that leads to pain (or even just dissatisfaction) we tend to then start up a whole bunch of mental processes that lead to more suffering — often adding more pain than there was originally. We experience aversion to the dissatisfaction, and then indulge in blaming, and criticism.  Often directed toward self. So it’s as if our response to being shot by an arrow is to shoot ourselves with another arrow.

Here's how I addressed the forgiveness issue --

When I stumbled upon this community, I realized that I was NOT alone in my suffering.  For whatever reason, it let me stop taking my suffering so personally.   We all suffer.   Every single person on the planet faces some sort of suffering -- whether health, career, relationship, or other.

Learning about BPD helped me "let go" of my ex-girlfriend.   I could not do anything to save her, or our relationship.  I could, however, "accept" my suffering as a teacher.   I consented to life as it is now, and I turned all attention to my internal pain.

Forgiveness, for me, started with self-forgiveness.  I stopped beating myself up for feeling such pain.  I learned to say "I consent" to the pain, and I began to lean into it without self-judgment.   One of the best books I read was "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chodron, a Buddhist nun.  She teaches "wisdom of no escape" from emotional pain.  That was followed, for me, by Tara Brach's "True Refuge" where she teaches RAIN technique -- "Recognize, Allow, Investigate, Non-Identification."

Oddly enough, we hold onto our pain so tightly, and it becomes part of our identity.  When we accept it as trying to tell us something, and we accept it, it starts to go away.  

Be kind to yourself, AG.  

Great post. I think it takes processing and time to get there but we all get there if/when we truly want too

[Blimblam]

AG:

So much of what we suffer is emotional and psychological pain.  We feel injured, even broken.   I heard the Buddhist story of two arrows early on.   It says that, when we suffer such pain, it is often the result of "two" arrows:

When we encounter something that leads to pain (or even just dissatisfaction) we tend to then start up a whole bunch of mental processes that lead to more suffering — often adding more pain than there was originally. We experience aversion to the dissatisfaction, and then indulge in blaming, and criticism.  Often directed toward self. So it’s as if our response to being shot by an arrow is to shoot ourselves with another arrow.

Here's how I addressed the forgiveness issue --

When I stumbled upon this community, I realized that I was NOT alone in my suffering.  For whatever reason, it let me stop taking my suffering so personally.   We all suffer.   Every single person on the planet faces some sort of suffering -- whether health, career, relationship, or other.

Learning about BPD helped me "let go" of my ex-girlfriend.   I could not do anything to save her, or our relationship.  I could, however, "accept" my suffering as a teacher.   I consented to life as it is now, and I turned all attention to my internal pain.

Forgiveness, for me, started with self-forgiveness.  I stopped beating myself up for feeling such pain.  I learned to say "I consent" to the pain, and I began to lean into it without self-judgment.   One of the best books I read was "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chodron, a Buddhist nun.  She teaches "wisdom of no escape" from emotional pain.  That was followed, for me, by Tara Brach's "True Refuge" where she teaches RAIN technique -- "Recognize, Allow, Investigate, Non-Identification."

Oddly enough, we hold onto our pain so tightly, and it becomes part of our identity.  When we accept it as trying to tell us something, and we accept it, it starts to go away.  

Be kind to yourself, AG.  

Great post. I think it takes processing and time to get there but we all get there if/when we truly want too

If we do the difficult work of facing ourselves and working through our issues.

I know a guy that seperated from a borderline ex 3 years ago as that guy is on repeat still. I even pointed him to this site but he is stuck. He has like a entire book case of self help and Buddhist and other religious books. He joined support groups etc.  he still refuses to face himself he scape goats his exs and talked about his but struggle growing up.  Then he does this pep talk thing about all he's achieved in life. He has some pearls of wisdom but his pride keeps him stuck.