BPD and "attraction"

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Early in the stages of my rs my borderline admitted many of her issues and problems to me.

One of her admissions was that she had a problem with "attraction" and was not attracted to me.

My ego took this as a huge blow, now I'm a relatively good looking guy,  in shape etc I take pride in my appearance and was somewhat surprised at this,  especially seeing some of the guys she'd been with (and my replacement,  bilbo baggins). I've never been called unattractive before so was somewhat taken aback

But looking into it more I actually don't think it has anything to do with physical appearance.

On the BPD psych forums I was reading a thread and most of the borderlines were complaining that they were always attracted to sociopaths and narcs who ended up abusing them.

Kinda random thought but maybe something to that.

[Infern0]

Early in the stages of my rs my borderline admitted many of her issues and problems to me.

One of her admissions was that she had a problem with "attraction" and was not attracted to me.

My ego took this as a huge blow, now I'm a relatively good looking guy,  in shape etc I take pride in my appearance and was somewhat surprised at this,  especially seeing some of the guys she'd been with (and my replacement,  bilbo baggins). I've never been called unattractive before so was somewhat taken aback

But looking into it more I actually don't think it has anything to do with physical appearance.

On the BPD psych forums I was reading a thread and most of the borderlines were complaining that they were always attracted to sociopaths and narcs who ended up abusing them.

Kinda random thought but maybe something to that.

[fromheeltoheal]

A couple things:

Borderlines will try and control you, so you won't leave, and if she noticed your physical appearance was important to you, she might say she's not attracted to you to attack that, which will hopefully make you wonder if you're 'good enough' and cause you to work extra hard to keep her.  And once she notices you're trying really hard, she has you.  So you won't leave.

Another thing is if we show a lot of kindness and love to a borderline it can be triggering, because she knows she can't reciprocate, meet you on that level, and she feels a lot of shame as a result.  Someone who treats her poorly is more comfortable in a sense, the 'bad boys' won't cause her to feel that shame, and it may be reminiscent of earlier trauma too, so that feels strangely like 'home' too.

[Infern0]

If it was the former it certainly worked.  I've never hit the gym so hard in my life.  Kind of wish I could replicate that determination in a healthy way haha

[camuse]

Another thing is if we show a lot of kindness and love to a borderline it can be triggering, because she knows she can't reciprocate, meet you on that level, and she feels a lot of shame as a result.  Someone who treats her poorly is more comfortable in a sense, the 'bad boys' won't cause her to feel that shame, and it may be reminiscent of earlier trauma too, so that feels strangely like 'home' too.

What happens if a borderline gets into a relationship with someone who doesn't show her any kindness and abuses her/him? Are they happy then, or does it still collapse?

[Caredverymuch]

A couple things:

Borderlines will try and control you, so you won't leave, and if she noticed your physical appearance was important to you, she might say she's not attracted to you to attack that, which will hopefully make you wonder if you're 'good enough' and cause you to work extra hard to keep her.  And once she notices you're trying really hard, she has you.  So you won't leave.

Another thing is if we show a lot of kindness and love to a borderline it can be triggering, because she knows she can't reciprocate, meet you on that level, and she feels a lot of shame as a result.  Someone who treats her poorly is more comfortable in a sense, the 'bad boys' won't cause her to feel that shame, and it may be reminiscent of earlier trauma too, so that feels strangely like 'home' too.

I agree with much of this.  Looks really are not what attracts a borderline. Its your essence. Your giving nature. Your admiration of them. Your caring ways. Your listening ear. Your warm heart.

Many borderlines choose partners with great age discrepancy or obvious difference in looks. Additionally the r/s bcomes so unilaterally focused on only their needs that they dont tend to even "see" the other partner the way we would expect. 

When I met my borderline years ago, I was not in the best physical shape. He fell " in love" with that me.  Went above and beyond during idealization to compliment  me.  To woo me. He really saw my vulnerability back then. My physical appearance was secondary.

Subsequently, I trained very hard as a runner and defined my physique to a very sculpted athletic form. My friends continually commented on my transformation and I have never felt more attractive. He never gave any indication of notice. Never gave me a compliment while so many others were.  And ultimately, at my prime, dumped me.

Those he has since chosen as replacements are quite different  and in fact when I compare myself physically its almost alarming. I know why he is with them.  They are vulnerable like I was.  And soaking up all that idealization. Like I , too, did.

  Its not about looks with them.

[Bak86]

My ex once told me, "i don't care what a guy looks like, as long as he's not fat"  

[myself]

On the BPD psych forums I was reading a thread and most of the borderlines were complaining that they were always attracted to sociopaths and narcs who ended up abusing them.

PwBPD act like they're the victim, make stuff up, lie, project, and scapegoat, too, so who knows how many of the ex partners were really wonderful people who were discarded in the worst of ways? Abused/abandoned by the pwBPD.

[fromheeltoheal]

Another thing is if we show a lot of kindness and love to a borderline it can be triggering, because she knows she can't reciprocate, meet you on that level, and she feels a lot of shame as a result.  Someone who treats her poorly is more comfortable in a sense, the 'bad boys' won't cause her to feel that shame, and it may be reminiscent of earlier trauma too, so that feels strangely like 'home' too.

What happens if a borderline gets into a relationship with someone who doesn't show her any kindness and abuses her/him? Are they happy then, or does it still collapse?

Depends on the couple of course, but the key is whether the behavior is triggering or not; someone showing lots of genuine love and kindness, someone who likes themselves, someone who is genuinely happy, will just make a borderline feel worse, because they don't think they're any of those things, so the shame will show up, or they might overcompensate with some extreme narcissism, the possibilities are endless.  But at their core relationships with a borderline have a cycle, phases, maybe fast, maybe slow, but unavoidable, inherently unsustainable.  What a borderline wants more than anything is a parent-figure who won't leave, a replaying of that earliest attachment, so if someone is bossy and abusive, parental in a sense, but also shows a borderline they won't leave, I could see that working for a while, depends on the personalities involved.

[Confused?]

Mine used to tell me that I was the only good looking guy in the world. The only guy she was attracted to. It's funny now because she cheated on me twice that I know about. I guess she must have felt a deep connection with those guys the minute she met them. I'm sure she's feeding the same bs to the new supply 

Might I add since she never said anything differently to that, it would start an argument every time she asked me if I thought someone was good looking. Man I'm glad I don't have to deal with her anymore.

[drummerboy]

Totally agree with this. I was 19 years older, balding, greying, but in decent physical shape. We texted for a week on a very deep level before we met. She once said that she fell in love with me during the week of texting, before we even met! She had constructed a fantasy of me before we even met in person. On our first meeting she told me all about her mental health issues (that she had tried to commit suicide about 6 months prior) and that she had been in therapy for 10 years for anxiety and depression. I was the patient, caring listener and she loved that. She had probably bored to tears all of the people in her life with her constant talk about her issues. She never really seemed to care about me or how my life was going, 99% of her conversation was about her issues, her constant self created crisis. I have never met anyone as self absorbed as her.

I agree with much of this.  Looks really are not what attracts a borderline. Its your essence. Your giving nature. Your admiration of them. Your caring ways. Your listening ear. Your warm heart.

Many borderlines choose partners with great age discrepancy or obvious difference in looks. Additionally the r/s bcomes so unilaterally focused on only their needs that they dont tend to even "see" the other partner the way we would expect. 

[Caredverymuch]

Totally agree with this. I was 19 years older, balding, greying, but in decent physical shape. We texted for a week on a very deep level before we met. She once said that she fell in love with me during the week of texting, before we even met! She had constructed a fantasy of me before we even met in person. On our first meeting she told me all about her mental health issues (that she had tried to commit suicide about 6 months prior) and that she had been in therapy for 10 years for anxiety and depression. I was the patient, caring listener and she loved that. She had probably bored to tears all of the people in her life with her constant talk about her issues. She never really seemed to care about me or how my life was going, 99% of her conversation was about her issues, her constant self created crisis. I have never met anyone as self absorbed as her.

I agree with much of this.  Looks really are not what attracts a borderline. Its your essence. Your giving nature. Your admiration of them. Your caring ways. Your listening ear. Your warm heart.

Many borderlines choose partners with great age discrepancy or obvious difference in looks. Additionally the r/s bcomes so unilaterally focused on only their needs that they dont tend to even "see" the other partner the way we would expect. 

bauie, i was that caring person as well to my expBPD. My nature comes naturally so of course, likely as you, I most certainly cared about my ex and listened with nonjudgmental and kind ears to his litany of life sagas. At the time, it truly felt like listening to a warm , gentle, caring man who finally was able to open up safely in much. I also never doubted  that this very person would not do the same for me. 

Wow.  How I was very fooled.

I responded naturally to his EVERY emotional and physical ailing. Which bcame more and more " chronic."  I literally drove hither and yon to deliver support, food, medication to him when he was in need. I was always there for him. Bc I loved him and he reached out so often to " the only one that ever cared and loved him as deeply as I did." Often in distress and tears.

When he decided to split me black for good and abandon me overnight, the following subsequently was occurring in my life: massive  smear campaign and tainting of me w all mutual friends, my mother acutely ill in ICU, I was newly single and bc he isolated me I was now striped of many friends and nearly entirely alone ( thankfully later recovered) , my children in distress, and I on the verge of a nervous breakdown ftom all of the above.   

Never, ever did he acknowledge or reach back or even inquire in the most inherent way on how I was in any of those VERY real life issues.  The brief baitings thereafter were singularly ONLY about him.  Not one word about my life.

Truly, they are self absorbed emotional vampires.

[Loveofhislife]

Another thing is if we show a lot of kindness and love to a borderline it can be triggering, because she knows she can't reciprocate, meet you on that level, and she feels a lot of shame as a result.  Someone who treats her poorly is more comfortable in a sense, the 'bad boys' won't cause her to feel that shame, and it may be reminiscent of earlier trauma too, so that feels strangely like 'home' too.

This would explain a few things... .I think my exbfBPD may have returned to his ex who he told me was terribly unfeeling cold, addicted to drugs, driven my money, etc.--but then again, that was when she was painted black.

[Loveofhislife]

A couple things:

Borderlines will try and control you, so you won't leave, and if she noticed your physical appearance was important to you, she might say she's not attracted to you to attack that, which will hopefully make you wonder if you're 'good enough' and cause you to work extra hard to keep her.  And once she notices you're trying really hard, she has you.  So you won't leave.

Another thing is if we show a lot of kindness and love to a borderline it can be triggering, because she knows she can't reciprocate, meet you on that level, and she feels a lot of shame as a result.  Someone who treats her poorly is more comfortable in a sense, the 'bad boys' won't cause her to feel that shame, and it may be reminiscent of earlier trauma too, so that feels strangely like 'home' too.

I agree with much of this.  Looks really are not what attracts a borderline. Its your essence. Your giving nature. Your admiration of them. Your caring ways. Your listening ear. Your warm heart.

Many borderlines choose partners with great age discrepancy or obvious difference in looks. Additionally the r/s bcomes so unilaterally focused on only their needs that they dont tend to even "see" the other partner the way we would expect. 

When I met my borderline years ago, I was not in the best physical shape. He fell " in love" with that me.  Went above and beyond during idealization to compliment  me.  To woo me. He really saw my vulnerability back then. My physical appearance was secondary.

Its not about looks with them.

And that was REALLY attractive about him for me.  I'm a former model ya da ya da ya da.  My NPD LOVED me for my looks.  I was a trophy.  And frankly I got sick of that shi*  I started living life again after NPD cheated on me, and while I remained very attractive, I was no longer "model thin" and HOT.  More than one date had commented to me that I would be so beautiful, if... .But not exBPDbf.  He noticed my heart, my mind--was fascinated by my work.  How refreshing after NPD and a number of shallow guys I met in his wake.  It led me to write in my journal "WOW"!  Sadly, I think this is why I stayed in the relationship longer than I should have, thinking... ."no one will find me as beautiful as exbfBPD unless I go back to the "plastic" that I was with NPD." Yuk.  He SAW me for who I was on the inside, and then exploited it bit by bit... .:'(

[Loveofhislife]

Totally agree with this. I was 19 years older, balding, greying, but in decent physical shape. We texted for a week on a very deep level before we met. She once said that she fell in love with me during the week of texting, before we even met! She had constructed a fantasy of me before we even met in person. On our first meeting she told me all about her mental health issues (that she had tried to commit suicide about 6 months prior) and that she had been in therapy for 10 years for anxiety and depression. I was the patient, caring listener and she loved that. She had probably bored to tears all of the people in her life with her constant talk about her issues. She never really seemed to care about me or how my life was going, 99% of her conversation was about her issues, her constant self created crisis. I have never met anyone as self absorbed as her.

bauie, i was that caring person as well to my expBPD. My nature comes naturally so of course, likely as you, I most certainly cared about my ex and listened with nonjudgmental and kind ears to his litany of life sagas. At the time, it truly felt like listening to a warm , gentle, caring man who finally was able to open up safely in much. I also never doubted  that this very person would not do the same for me. 

Wow.  How I was very fooled.

I responded naturally to his EVERY emotional and physical ailing. Which bcame more and more " chronic."  I literally drove hither and yon to deliver support, food, medication to him when he was in need. I was always there for him. Bc I loved him and he reached out so often to " the only one that ever cared and loved him as deeply as I did." Often in distress and tears.

When he decided to split me black for good and abandon me overnight, the following subsequently was occurring in my life: massive  smear campaign and tainting of me w all mutual friends, my mother acutely ill in ICU, I was newly single and bc he isolated me I was now striped of many friends and nearly entirely alone ( thankfully later recovered) , my children in distress, and I on the verge of a nervous breakdown ftom all of the above.   

Never, ever did he acknowledge or reach back or even inquire in the most inherent way on how I was in any of those VERY real life issues.  The brief baitings thereafter were singularly ONLY about him.  Not one word about my life.

Truly, they are self absorbed emotional vampires.

Caredverymuch-I AM LITERALLY BLOWN AWAY. Yours and my stories... .WOW, as I first wrote about exbfBPD in my journal.  My children and my friends are horrified--perhaps more than I.  Tonight I broke down crying again in front of my 20 year old son--my three adult children are MORE than over this and cannot fathom why I am not.  My older brother and closest friends are ready to have me committed if I ever go near him again, and yet... .I continue to weep; for what?  I'm not sure... .2010 once wrote that I lost my voice, which had perhaps never been heard before exbfBPD... .:'(

[BlackandBlue]

Mine used to tell me that I was the only good looking guy in the world. The only guy she was attracted to. It's funny now because she cheated on me twice that I know about. I guess she must have felt a deep connection with those guys the minute she met them. I'm sure she's feeding the same bs to the new supply 

Might I add since she never said anything differently to that, it would start an argument every time she asked me if I thought someone was good looking. Man I'm glad I don't have to deal with her anymore.

My exBPDgf was the exact same way! She would always tell me how handsome and attractive I was and she doesn't even think about looking at any other men. She used to complement my appearance so much that it made me uncomfortable at times. Im not good at taking complements and im on the shy side. She liked my shyness because she worried excessively that I would cheat on her and being shy side there might be a lesser chance of that happening. She would always worry that I was looking at other women too. She would bait me into no win scenarios and huge fights would erupt. She needed constant reassurance that she was the MOST attractive woman in the world and NOBODY else could turn me on. The thing is, it didnt matter how much I told her she was beautiful, sexy, attractive, etc... .it was never enough and never sunk in. It was pretty obvious she had low self confidence and self esteem issues. I finally got her to make an appointment with a therapist because she was running me into the ground but she ended up canceling the appointment. In the end she ended up leaving me leaving me devastated. I honestly dont know if she was cheating on me or not.

[Caredverymuch]

Totally agree with this. I was 19 years older, balding, greying, but in decent physical shape. We texted for a week on a very deep level before we met. She once said that she fell in love with me during the week of texting, before we even met! She had constructed a fantasy of me before we even met in person. On our first meeting she told me all about her mental health issues (that she had tried to commit suicide about 6 months prior) and that she had been in therapy for 10 years for anxiety and depression. I was the patient, caring listener and she loved that. She had probably bored to tears all of the people in her life with her constant talk about her issues. She never really seemed to care about me or how my life was going, 99% of her conversation was about her issues, her constant self created crisis. I have never met anyone as self absorbed as her.

bauie, i was that caring person as well to my expBPD. My nature comes naturally so of course, likely as you, I most certainly cared about my ex and listened with nonjudgmental and kind ears to his litany of life sagas. At the time, it truly felt like listening to a warm , gentle, caring man who finally was able to open up safely in much. I also never doubted  that this very person would not do the same for me. 

Wow.  How I was very fooled.

I responded naturally to his EVERY emotional and physical ailing. Which bcame more and more " chronic."  I literally drove hither and yon to deliver support, food, medication to him when he was in need. I was always there for him. Bc I loved him and he reached out so often to " the only one that ever cared and loved him as deeply as I did." Often in distress and tears.

When he decided to split me black for good and abandon me overnight, the following subsequently was occurring in my life: massive  smear campaign and tainting of me w all mutual friends, my mother acutely ill in ICU, I was newly single and bc he isolated me I was now striped of many friends and nearly entirely alone ( thankfully later recovered) , my children in distress, and I on the verge of a nervous breakdown ftom all of the above.   

Never, ever did he acknowledge or reach back or even inquire in the most inherent way on how I was in any of those VERY real life issues.  The brief baitings thereafter were singularly ONLY about him.  Not one word about my life.

Truly, they are self absorbed emotional vampires.

Caredverymuch-I AM LITERALLY BLOWN AWAY. Yours and my stories... .WOW, as I first wrote about exbfBPD in my journal.  My children and my friends are horrified--perhaps more than I.  Tonight I broke down crying again in front of my 20 year old son--my three adult children are MORE than over this and cannot fathom why I am not.  My older brother and closest friends are ready to have me committed if I ever go near him again, and yet... .I continue to weep; for what?  I'm not sure... .2010 once wrote that I lost my voice, which had perhaps never been heard before exbfBPD... .:'(

My children were horrified. Saw their strong, logically ever present fun loving formerly fully satisfied mother weep uncontrollably in front of them for the very first time in their lives. Their rock solid Mom nearly catatonic and often wordless. A walking emotionless zombie. 

My family members outwardly expressing deep " concern" in response to my genuine expression of heartache and love and "concern" for this man,who was ruining every aspect of my well built strong life foundation.  And very realistically... .Did.

My truest friend on earth for decades who is entirely not intrusive in any way, wrote him a letter ( something I learned later) stating her immense concern for the incredibly devastating  emotional state he was putting me in.

My closest friends ( and ironically a few of HIS that I met by association) repeated advice: do NOT go anywhere near this man you "love" and who " loves you" ever again. Let him go.  STAY AWAY FROM HIM.  He is a very sick man.

 

I lost my voice and so much more. I am truly astonished yet... .this entire experience was SO not the me I have always been.  Imperfect but incredibly well balanced, and okay in life as I knew it. 

That me is a memory that I strongly work to regain.  Inner work included. I may not have been as intensively self aware as I am now... .But was in a MUCH better place before he ambushed and annihilated my sustaining foundation. 

Then just waked away. Like that is " normal".

[Loveofhislife]

Caredverymuch--I am so incredibly sorry, but thank you for sharing this with me.  My children, my extended family, colleagues, and friends feel exactly as yours expressed to you.  I've been the "strong one" for all, and it was very difficult for them to see a redwood tree fall.  But I can be transplanted :-)  I had been guardian for both parents who suffered for over a decade with Alzheimers (unthinkable, right?  Both natural parents had early onset)--then two kids who struggled with a lot of legal and substance use problems, a divorce from a 25 year marriage; the executor of my parent's estate, a terrible employment lawsuit:  I was unwavering.  But then came exbfBPD.  I've read members call them our kryptonite.  Maybe... .but since exbfBPD is a software developer, I think of it as he cracked my code.  It wasn't easy--it took an entire year, but he cracked it; hacked it; inserted a virus; uploaded it; and crashed my hard-drive. I  continue to try to reset back to my factory settings and restore my hard drive.  It ain't happened yet.

[Caredverymuch]

Caredverymuch--I am so incredibly sorry, but thank you for sharing this with me.  My children, my extended family, colleagues, and friends feel exactly as yours expressed to you.  I've been the "strong one" for all, and it was very difficult for them to see a redwood tree fall.  But I can be transplanted :-)  I had been guardian for both parents who suffered for over a decade with Alzheimers (unthinkable, right?  Both natural parents had early onset)--then two kids who struggled with a lot of legal and substance use problems, a divorce from a 25 year marriage; the executor of my parent's estate, a terrible employment lawsuit:  I was unwavering.  But then came exbfBPD.  I've read members call them our kryptonite.  Maybe... .but since exbfBPD is a software developer, I think of it as he cracked my code.  It wasn't easy--it took an entire year, but he cracked it; hacked it; inserted a virus; uploaded it; and crashed my hard-drive. I  continue to try to reset back to my factory settings and restore my hard drive.  It ain't happened yet.

I am so very sorry for all you have endured LoveOfhislife. Which is much, and very, very real life issues. I hope things are a bit better for the redwood now. As I have been also known to be. And, as I have always known myself to be. A strong woman.

A few more similarities in our experiences reading your earlier posts on this thread. I was also married to a pNPD for 25 yrs. His immense bragging right  . Bc I am not only attractive but i am intelligent and confident and capable and athletic and fun and entertaining and I have (had) a love of life attitude, which he lacked greatly.   I have also modeled. Yaddy yadda. NOT at all important in the big picture just sharing our very similar course.

My expBPD was everything yours was to you. I never knew a man like that existed and I am not naive. 

He came into my life as my pNPD marriage was crumbling. He was " fascinated" ( he said this word SO often to me as we got to know one another so fully ) about my work, my hobbies, my passions, my simple pleasures, my fun loving humor, essentially everything about me and he really was SO NOT PLASTIC. Was so gentle, natural, and genuine. 

He was the kind of man that would say "Lets meet for coffee tomorrow, no makeup, don't even brush your teeth" and he meant it ( I did brush my teeth ).  There was absolutely nothing that felt fake to me. In fact, it felt and forever will feel far deeper that words can describe of so real.  We were friends before the romantic r/s so it all just seemed like such fate taking further course. 

He love bombed me in every way. For months. In the most endearing ways and of course, his most often and repeated compliment was that he LOVED talking with me. Which we did. For hours and hours and hours on end.

I am not a fool. Yet I am now, admittedly.

Our conversations and all else were nothing but very real.  Not one moment did I feel a hair less.

This man was not only entirely genuine, he repeatedly,  in such deep ways,  went to lengths to prove his love for me.

He cracked my foundation. Over the course of a year he consistently chipped away at the pillar. The independent woman. Kept commenting on how strong and in control I was. Kept stating how I needed to let him in. To take care of me and love me in a way no one ever had. He chipped at every ounce of my control until he ultimately gained my full trust and i gave much over in faith, trust, and believe.

He was kryptonite. Bc he was my friend first for years, he knew where I was in life moving forward and where I wanted to go. Then he took me for the ride of my life for a long period of time. He exploited me. Hard. Constantly.

Got the win.

Then, just walked away.

[Loveofhislife]

Caredverymuch--I am so incredibly sorry, but thank you for sharing this with me.  My children, my extended family, colleagues, and friends feel exactly as yours expressed to you.  I've been the "strong one" for all, and it was very difficult for them to see a redwood tree fall.  But I can be transplanted :-)  I had been guardian for both parents who suffered for over a decade with Alzheimers (unthinkable, right?  Both natural parents had early onset)--then two kids who struggled with a lot of legal and substance use problems, a divorce from a 25 year marriage; the executor of my parent's estate, a terrible employment lawsuit:  I was unwavering.  But then came exbfBPD.  I've read members call them our kryptonite.  Maybe... .but since exbfBPD is a software developer, I think of it as he cracked my code.  It wasn't easy--it took an entire year, but he cracked it; hacked it; inserted a virus; uploaded it; and crashed my hard-drive. I  continue to try to reset back to my factory settings and restore my hard drive.  It ain't happened yet.

This man was not only entirely genuine, he repeatedly,  in such deep ways,  went to lengths to prove his love for me.

He cracked my foundation. Over the course of a year he consistently chipped away at the pillar. The independent woman. Kept commenting on how strong and in control I was. Kept stating how I needed to let him in. To take care of me and love me in a way no one ever had. He chipped at every ounce of my control until he ultimately gained my full trust and i gave much over in faith, trust, and believe.

He was kryptonite. Bc he was my friend first for years, he knew where I was in life moving forward and where I wanted to go. Then he took me for the ride of my life for a long period of time. He exploited me. Hard. Constantly.

Got the win.

Then, just walked away.

Caredverymuch--thank you for warming a dark, rainy Saturday night.   It's just so hard to understand; I can't wrap my head around it.  My ex also was so focused on "helping" me--and I would laugh, because I'm one of the last people on the planet (at least in my mind) that needs help. Even my NPDh said that frequently.  I now perceive exbfBPD words as meaning--"Helping you makes me feel less guilty and more entitled to do whatever I damn well please to you." 

If I had listened more closely to SO many projections--let's see: my adult children don't respect me and take advantage of me; my ex husband only "helps" me because of guilt; my business partner only cares about me because of money; his ex wife only cares about money... ."  I now recall the things he said about others and believe he was telling me about himself.  But in essence, he was communicating, "I'm all you've got--it's you and me against the world."

He only told me those things because he CARED about me and wanted to HELP me and wanted me to TRUST him.  Do you think they targeted us for some specific reason?  Back to ATTRACTION: I'm certain I was not his easiest catch but perhaps his most lucrative.  But maybe... .I reminded him of his mom?  My kids say he wanted me to BE his mom 

And because I am a business woman at my core, it's just SO bizarre that you are on the money train; you're getting back on your feet; you've been introduced into a loving family with incredible friends and colleagues, and you ditch it all out of the blue.

Tonight I read alot of threads that spoke to their fear of happiness.  That is my only guess--other than I expected a highly paid software developer to pay me back some of the money he owed for my supporting him for a year.

FOG indeed... .

[fromheeltoheal]

My kids say he wanted me to BE his mom

Smart kids.  At it's core, BPD originates from a failed detachment from a primary caregiver, usually mom, in infancy, and the subsequent failure to develop a self, which sets up a lifetime pattern of replicating that earliest attachment and fearing losing it.  So if a partner is strong, willing and tolerant enough to assume the role of parent in the relationship and also show a borderline that they are committed and won't leave, the borderline would be in hog heaven.  The partner?  Not so much.

[myself]

So if a partner is strong, willing and tolerant enough to assume the role of parent in the relationship and also show a borderline that they are committed and won't leave, the borderline would be in hog heaven.  The partner?  Not so much.

Many pwBPD were sexually abused as children.

The layers of the roles of 'parent' play a heavy part in this.

So even this path ultimately wounds them (and us).

[drummerboy]

This was certainly the case with my ex, she had a really unhealthy relationship with her mom, whom she was always finding fault with but would call her numerous times per day to consult her about her never ending life crisis. This 32 year old BPD would get her mom to come to her place to clean her room and the silly mom would drive 20 miles to clean her room! Her mom is not in great health but whenever my ex would call her it would always be to talk about her stuff, I never heard her ask her mum how she was doing. Talk about failed detachment!

My kids say he wanted me to BE his mom

Smart kids.  At it's core, BPD originates from a failed detachment from a primary caregiver, usually mom, in infancy, and the subsequent failure to develop a self, which sets up a lifetime pattern of replicating that earliest attachment and fearing losing it.  So if a partner is strong, willing and tolerant enough to assume the role of parent in the relationship and also show a borderline that they are committed and won't leave, the borderline would be in hog heaven.  The partner?  Not so much.

[yaryu]

Over time my exBPDgf developed a list of things she found attractive, needless to say none of them matched me in any way.  When she stopped seeing me as that kind loving person, the only thing left was my imperfections.  Easy targets.

I met my exBPDgf from a dating site.  There is one question about a match being overweight and she answered it was a dealbreaker.  So I said hey, about this question... I'm a little fat, probably overweight.  So she proceeded to change the answer and some other questions so our compatibility would go up, !  She agreed to meet me anyway.  To her I was the kindest, most considerate person in the world ready to hang on to her every word, help her out, care about everything.   Hell, I even loaned her a fat sum of money which she found as a sign of trust.  And when I didn't bail after she told me about her illnesses, boy did she launch my existence up on that pedestal.   

Over time looks became an issue, she once told me she wasn't even attracted to me in the first place because I was just too fat for her.  She said she forced herself to love me.   Gee thanks.   

[Blimblam]

When I met my ex I felt like I had known her my whole life. What happened is i identified with her projection of looking for the prince the white knight. I identified her as the princess the damsel in distress. Carl Jung calls this the anima. In alchemy the anima drags the ego down into the depths of the unconcious to make the transmutation from lead to gold.

My ex projected into me the punitive parent and the angry impulsive child. It turned the white knight aka Harvey dent from the film the dark knight into two face. And my desire to have her back invoked the archetype of smeagol from lord of the rings. This is what they would refer to as the dragon in alchemy. Basically the inner demons. All of this is within me now this is the lead that must be made into gold.

I found the princess I felt it so that's in me too that is my anima that wants to be rescued within. To do this the dragon must be tamed.

"The bravest men didn't slay dragons they rode them"- that targaryn chick from game of thrones

[Bak86]

I just remembered something she said. "Before we dated, i wanted to put you in the friendzone, but you were too fast". When she broke up she wanted to be friends. It's weird.