BPDs and abusive partners

[camuse]

We all know that BPDs are abusive, and project their abuse onto their partner. But what happens when a BPD ends up with another abuser, maybe a physical one? Do they stay with them, feeling comfortable in the relationship since abuse is what they know, and kindness pushes them away? Or do they still end up painting the partner black, this time maybe quite justifiably?

I read so much about BPDs doing the abusing, that I started to wonder what happens when the tables are turned. Or do they simple stay away from such people?

[enlighten me]

My exgf lived with a man who used to beat her up. He had awful jealous rages according to her. I often wondered why she stayed with him so long and have come up with the theory that it was because of three things.

Firstly she didn't have the courage to leave.

Secondly he was showing her how much he loved her (in a twisted way) and that is what they truly want. To be loved.

Thirdly she felt she needed to be punished.

Now I can see how a pwBPD would aggravate the situation if the person is a jealous type. Not that I am condoning this sort of thing. My exgf would go on about other men who where in her boyfriends band or that he taught and how much fun she had with them. I used to get jealous when she would behave in that way aswell but I wasn't prone to violence.

[camuse]

So the way to keep a pwBPD happy and with you is to be abusive towards them and not show any kindness or love?

[Bak86]

So the way to keep a pwBPD happy and with you is to be abusive towards them and not show any kindness or love?

Or simply don't have an intimate relationship with them. She was with her ex for 4 years. In that period, they were actually not in an official relationship, they simply used to have sex sometimes and have a casual date every once in a while. That made her happy. Being in an intimate relationship simply doesn't work for these people.

[tim_tom]

mine was a queen type... .came from money. I do not believe she would tolerate abuse cause she has so many other options/resources available to her.

I know I was never allowed to get upset with her without rage from her in return.

Is be curious to see how it would play out though

[enlighten me]

So the way to keep a pwBPD happy and with you is to be abusive towards them and not show any kindness or love?

I wouldn't say that as she ended up leaving him eventually. My point is that even though its a twisted way of showing someone you love them for a pwBPD it is a demonstration of it. My exgf would always say actions speak louder than words.

It also demonstrates (even though in the extreme) boundaries.

[enlighten me]

Another thing that springs to mind is I was once told that "the person who cares the least holds all the power in a relationship"

Maybe this is why they are drawn to people who treat them mean keep them keen.

[blissful_camper]

Sadly, maybe so.  My ex was intimidated and afraid of persons who were kind.  In our relationship, I believe he was acting out to provoke me into abusing him back. That didn't happen.  I handled it differently, in a way that was "off-script."  His current partner is abusive.  His 2nd wife abused back at his abuse.

[camuse]

Perhaps this is the advisable way to manage a pwBPD partner, treat them like rubbish and they won't abuse or discard you?

Mine once said something very odd, "I hate it when you meet someone who acts all tough, like they beat up women and stuff, but it turns out they have issues of their own." I had no idea what she was talking about at the time, but maybe she wanted me to beat and abuse her. I can't help wondering I brought everything on myself by treating her decently.

My replacement is a thugish muscleman, total opposite of me - maybe he beats her up and treats her like dirt, maybe that was what she wanted? It's all so very depressing.

[blissful_camper]

Perhaps this is the advisable way to manage a pwBPD partner, treat them like rubbish and they won't abuse or discard you?

Mine once said something very odd, "I hate it when you meet someone who acts all tough, like they beat up women and stuff, but it turns out they have issues of their own." I had no idea what she was talking about at the time, but maybe she wanted me to beat and abuse her. I can't help wondering I brought everything on myself by treating her decently.

My replacement is a thugish muscleman, total opposite of me - maybe he beats her up and treats her like dirt, maybe that was what she wanted? It's all so very depressing.

I think the best thing to do is to get out of their way. I know that's difficult for some due to co parenting children.  My ex was drawn to others who didn't treat him well. It was sad. That's what was familiar to him.  I think he saw an opportunity to create something different with me, but decided he was more at ease with the alternative.  That was when his behavior escalated, and a few months later (seeing no improvement) I walked.  After I left, he went back to what he knows: having an r/s with an abusive partner. 

It's sad, yes, and I understand why you're asking.  That's part of the healing process, and wanting to understand what you experienced.

[Popcorn71]

I always thought my exBPDh wanted to be with somebody who treated him badly.  His ex wife had been horrible to him, from what I can gather they had more or less separate lives and she spent all his money.  They began married life by her aborting his child.  But their marriage lasted 21 years!

I can honestly say that I treated him well and the better I treated him, the worse he became.  Now I have the feeling that the replacement he is with will treat him badly.   For various reasons, she has the upper hand in the relationship and if she so chooses she will easily be able to bully him into anything she wants.  Maybe he will be happy now!

[Loveofhislife]

I always thought my exBPDh wanted to be with somebody who treated him badly.  His ex wife had been horrible to him, from what I can gather they had more or less separate lives and she spent all his money.  They began married life by her aborting his child.  But their marriage lasted 21 years!

I can honestly say that I treated him well and the better I treated him, the worse he became.  Now I have the feeling that the replacement he is with will treat him badly.   For various reasons, she has the upper hand in the relationship and if she so chooses she will easily be able to bully him into anything she wants.  Maybe he will be happy now!

So, is it any wonder we feel confused?  We should be the "supportive parent"; then we should be setting boundaries and holding them accountable; then we should love them unconditionally and assure them we won't abandon them, but then... .THEY CHOOSE PEOPLE WHO ABUSE THEM?  I don't doubt it, but WOW!

[ajr5679]

Mine told me about the abuse that she took from her ex, but she left me and went back to her. i was never abusive to her and she told me that she did not know how to handle me being nice to her. so she abused me and i took it because i was addicted to her. what a mess. i really feel that my ex was more psychopathy than BPD. so i don`t even know if her exs abused her.

[blissful_camper]

Ajr, they go back to abuse if that's what they know.  How she treated you is a window into her past.