outside the "typical BPD" framework

[shineonandon]

Whew... .not sure if anyone can relate... .I can bet there are a few... .

I have been a member of this site for over a year... .mostly as an onlooker... .clicking on people's situation to see if it... .in the slightest way... .mimicked mine... .

Marriage... .24 years... .to someone I just thought was "controlling" and in a sense... ."not able to grasp true reality" especially when referring to situations that are loaded with high emotions... .

Here I sit... ... still looking for someone who has had the same experiences... .and while I have found many who have had similar... .I am still left to wonder... .does my husband (whom I am currently not living with) have BPD?  While I have come to the conclusion that BPD is somewhat like Autism (comparing it only to that of which I am familiar as I am an elementary school teacher)... .so it appears as though BPD has a spectrum... .you can be full blown BPD... .textbook style and have all the characteristics right down to the self harm.  My husband... .(maybe wusband) has many traits... .marriage of 24 years have punctuated some undeniable traits and wounds that I can relate to as him having BPD traits... .never self harm... .only some threats as intense situations have arisen.

We have gone to therapists individually, ... .I can only speak for my sessions... .therapist wondering what was actually going through my spouses thoughts to have evoked such irrational responses... .

Anyone who has known us personally for many years... .wonders how I am able to put up with the nonsense... .I ask my self the same sometimes... .So... .BIG question for anyone who can relate... .Does Therapy... .marriage therapy work?

Most of me... .95% doesn't even want to give it a try... .feeling very peaceful without the constant feeling "is this going to upset him?" Should I tell him... .is he going to mistrust me and my intentions... ."

Guess it could be guilt... .knowing maybe I didn't check everything off the list before I call it quits... .We have two children... .there will never be NC... .I'd like to be just his friend... .he's a decent person until we bring all the emotional baggage in... .don't think he'll bite for the "friends only"  approach... .

Just putting itall out there... .I read someone's post about... ."will I ever be able to completely walk away" wondering the same... .also wondering ... ."will I ever be able to reveal to him what is truly in my gut... .or will I continue to spare his emotional disparity and punish myself... .I know one thing for sure... .I will ALWAYS love him... .he offers the world to me and the kids when I leave... .It just doesn't last... .I may have to love him from a distance... .you can love someone and not like them... .

[Mutt]

Hi shineonandon,

I'm sorry. 24 years is a long history.

You are correct. BPD is a spectrum disorder.

Marriage counseling in my experience was absolutely frustrating. Ex would triangulate, project and dissociate. I didn't understand it then nor did I know anything about BPD. Countless sessions and zero progress.

I looked like I was an incompetent insensitive husband to the T's. Every session I was confused because everything was twisted around.

Marriage counseling works when both people are willing to work on themselves. Change has to come from working on ourselves. When one can't or won't it doesn't work.

A pwBPD have the emotional equivalent of a young child. Arrested development. They project negative feelings, actions on other people. They don't like to feel shame and guilt. You're the one to blame for everything.

I did the same with my ex. I care from a distance and prayed to god to watch over her and help her.

Let go. Let god.

PS. Thanks for having the courage to share with us after lurking  

[Tibbles]

Our situations sound similar in some ways - together 30 yrs, very controlling,  I moved out, we tried marriage counselling - didn't work at all. My exh is uBPD and is high functioning. I wondered at the start if he did have it, or just showed glimpses - after reading more I realised he is definitely on the spectrum!

With regard to counselling -  since we weren't living together I lost some of my fear of how he would react to things and I went in with the all or nothing approach - total honesty to try to move forward. He couldn't cope with not being in control of the counselling sessions. Tried to get agreements about what we would discuss before we went in, talked alot about behaving with dignity etc. Always wanted us to go in the same car to show united front etc. All about getting control of a process that the therapist was in control of. After every session he'd state we were over etc. I'd keep stating this is our only hope etc. After the last one it finally hit me (thanks to what I have learnt from this site)  I was the one re-cycling our relationship, so I stopped. Just said OK we are done and have gone NC. That's my experience with couple counselling.

I too will always love him. I used to think we could be friends, that I would want him as a friend but I am not so sure now. I will always be on edge, thinking I will upset him. Old habits die hard. I need a fresh life, to put the past behind me. That's the healthy option. It will be too unhealthy for me to have him in my life. That may change but that's where I am at now.