Wow, this has been a big week for processing

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Ok so all in one week I lost the anger and then got to where I am today. This may sound silly, but I was watching the last season of How I Met Your Mother (big spoiler alert here! - Ted finally meets his future wife, Tracy) and got super emotional at the end. I wrote a journal so I'll paste a part of it here:

... .The thing that got me was when Ted flashed back to meeting Tracy and all the awesome times they had together... .basically he said that even though she died (she got a terminal illness), being with her was totally worth it and he wouldn't give it up even if he had known ahead of time that she was gonna die.

WOW I lost it. I think because I'm done hating her, I can now be sad for what I thought we had. Most people are sad during a breakup but I never had a chance to be... .the anger had been building for months and months now and it finally was unleashed and there was no room for sad. I'm now free to remember some of the good things about being with her and not end on a "she's totally mentally ill and has BPD" note. Which she is and she does. But I don't want that to be the only thing I remember her for. It's like the person I thought I loved has died and I don't know who this new person is. But it's ok to be sad and have fond memories of the old person.

At one point, I really thought she was the coolest, bestest, most beautiful girl ever. Now I don't even recognize her. So I'm sad about the loss of that... .but I'm happy being single and not in any rush to manufacture some fairy-tale future romance stuff. Like I'm totally happy just living life.

I know she's trying to be friends with me, but for my own emotional and mental well-being, I'm not able to do that. I'll never be able to tell her the real reason why we can't be together, because she is in such denial about her illness. I just have to leave her to whatever her life is going to be. I can't fix her.

[SpringInMyStep]

Ok so all in one week I lost the anger and then got to where I am today. This may sound silly, but I was watching the last season of How I Met Your Mother (big spoiler alert here! - Ted finally meets his future wife, Tracy) and got super emotional at the end. I wrote a journal so I'll paste a part of it here:

... .The thing that got me was when Ted flashed back to meeting Tracy and all the awesome times they had together... .basically he said that even though she died (she got a terminal illness), being with her was totally worth it and he wouldn't give it up even if he had known ahead of time that she was gonna die.

WOW I lost it. I think because I'm done hating her, I can now be sad for what I thought we had. Most people are sad during a breakup but I never had a chance to be... .the anger had been building for months and months now and it finally was unleashed and there was no room for sad. I'm now free to remember some of the good things about being with her and not end on a "she's totally mentally ill and has BPD" note. Which she is and she does. But I don't want that to be the only thing I remember her for. It's like the person I thought I loved has died and I don't know who this new person is. But it's ok to be sad and have fond memories of the old person.

At one point, I really thought she was the coolest, bestest, most beautiful girl ever. Now I don't even recognize her. So I'm sad about the loss of that... .but I'm happy being single and not in any rush to manufacture some fairy-tale future romance stuff. Like I'm totally happy just living life.

I know she's trying to be friends with me, but for my own emotional and mental well-being, I'm not able to do that. I'll never be able to tell her the real reason why we can't be together, because she is in such denial about her illness. I just have to leave her to whatever her life is going to be. I can't fix her.

[Loveofhislife]

HUGE CONGRATULATIONS! I hope to meet you there soon!

[drummerboy]

I know exactly how you feel. Even though it was a bs fairytale in the idealisation phase, those 3 months were the best. I've never felt like that with anyone and I wouldn't have missed it for anything. I'm starting to look back on the BPD relationship as a great thing that happened, push the ending out of my head and now look forward to the next chapter in my life. The relationship caused me to start therapy doing inner child stuff which is addressing long overdue issues so in a way, the BPD relationship was a good thing. I feel sorry for her. Her life is constant chaos and up and down cycles. Never any stability, never any just "enjoying the moment". I would hate to live her life.

But as I wrote in my last email to her. I will carry the memories of our time together forever. Of course, now it's time to get back to reality.

[SpringInMyStep]

HUGE CONGRATULATIONS! I hope to meet you there soon!

Thanks! I think you will. And I feel sorta bad posting such a positive development, but I really want others to know that you will feel better at some point. We're all going through things at our own speeds, probably based on how long we were with our BPDs. I totally understand if it takes some people longer... .I was only with her for barely 2 years. But some of you have a lot more to unravel.

I just wanted people to know that it is possible to feel better. 

[SpringInMyStep]

I know exactly how you feel. Even though it was a bs fairytale in the idealisation phase, those 3 months were the best. I've never felt like that with anyone and I wouldn't have missed it for anything. I'm starting to look back on the BPD relationship as a great thing that happened, push the ending out of my head and now look forward to the next chapter in my life. The relationship caused me to start therapy doing inner child stuff which is addressing long overdue issues so in a way, the BPD relationship was a good thing. I feel sorry for her. Her life is constant chaos and up and down cycles. Never any stability, never any just "enjoying the moment". I would hate to live her life.

But as I wrote in my last email to her. I will carry the memories of our time together forever. Of course, now it's time to get back to reality.

Yes! I do agree, it's also bringing up issues for me and now I'm finally dealing with them. Setting boundaries, knowing myself better, etc. So I think remembering the good parts is definitely part of the healing process.

[myself]

So I think remembering the good parts is definitely part of the healing process.

Yes. Because that's who we really are.

The good was part of living it, as was the bad.

All of it. As is the healing and changing, now.

[SpringInMyStep]

myself... .exactly!

accepting both parts.

[drummerboy]

I've just thought of a great metaphor. We've all gotten drunk or high and had a great time, sure the morning after hangover can be rough but boy the high was good while it lasted! That's how I'm thinking about my BPD episode now. Great sex and total adoring from a woman 19 years younger. The end was horrible but it was great while it lasted, and the best thing, the hangover will pass but she'll stay in her tormented world forever.