Drained. What Now?

[Depression = 72% of members]

It's my third week here.  I have gotten more from this board then I ever could've possibly imagined.  I now know, without a doubt, that my mother is uBPD.  I will soon be seeing a new T with DBT/BPD experience.  I recently order the book, "Surviving A Borderline Parent" from my library.

However, I am so drained from all of this?  Have others had the same reaction?  Absorbing and digesting and coming to terms with this has been exhausting.  These past 3 weeks have been overwhelming for me.  I am a writer on deadline for tomorrow, and I'm totally blocked.  I can't seem to do anything right now other than read about BPD and try to understand as much about it as I can.  The more I read, the sadder I get.  WOW.  I can't believe how much this illness has stigmied my life.  Being the only child of a BPDm and adopted child of a NPD stepdad has been such a traumatic experience.

So, I guess my question to all of you is: where do I go from here?  What now?  How long does it take to heal from the damage?  Will I ever heal?  How did you heal?  How did you heal your relationships?  Because right now I'm realizing that I've been processing and reacting to the world through my mother's horrible negative filters.

I'm just really overwhelmed right now by all of this information and what to do with it.

[jmanvo2015]

It's my third week here.  I have gotten more from this board then I ever could've possibly imagined.  I now know, without a doubt, that my mother is uBPD.  I will soon be seeing a new T with DBT/BPD experience.  I recently order the book, "Surviving A Borderline Parent" from my library.

However, I am so drained from all of this?  Have others had the same reaction?  Absorbing and digesting and coming to terms with this has been exhausting.  These past 3 weeks have been overwhelming for me.  I am a writer on deadline for tomorrow, and I'm totally blocked.  I can't seem to do anything right now other than read about BPD and try to understand as much about it as I can.  The more I read, the sadder I get.  WOW.  I can't believe how much this illness has stigmied my life.  Being the only child of a BPDm and adopted child of a NPD stepdad has been such a traumatic experience.

So, I guess my question to all of you is: where do I go from here?  What now?  How long does it take to heal from the damage?  Will I ever heal?  How did you heal?  How did you heal your relationships?  Because right now I'm realizing that I've been processing and reacting to the world through my mother's horrible negative filters.

I'm just really overwhelmed right now by all of this information and what to do with it.

[Shelle]

It seems we are having the exact same feelings right now.  I'm getting tension-headaches from trying to write this cursed cover letter.

Hang in there!  I know that we're moving toward better days.  I'm in the middle of Surviving a Borderline Parent.  It's been pretty good so far.  If you haven't already read Stop Walking on Eggshells, I think it's the best.

I had a light bulb moment  a couple of days ago, and I'm using it was a mantra... .

"I will never be able to control what happens to me, but I have a hack of a lot more than I did as a child, and even as a teenager."

[Shelle]

"I will never be able to control what happens to me, but I have a heck of a lot more control than I did as a child, and even as a teenager."

Sorry.  I had to edit the typos.  *Must proofread more closely.*

[Barbara Smith]

I wish you the best in your healing process.  I have been feeling overwhelmed by all of the good information as well and from reading "Stop Walking On Eggshells".  It is draining. I'm still unsure what to do about certain relationships.  I just find it so beautiful and encouraging that you are realizing things about yourself and your reactions. As you change the way you react to life, I believe your relationships will only get better.  I think the process is a slow one. I can't help but feel hopeful as I read your post because your new understandings are the beginning of healing I believe.

[Woolspinner2000]

Good to hear from all three of you!

I'm so glad you continue to find helpful information to educate yourselves as well as camaraderie and help here at the site.

When I first picked up 'Surviving a Borderline Parent,' I was overwhelmed and could only read a few pages at a time. Seems each time I pick up the book, I learn something more, especially as my understanding increases. The discovery, learning, understanding, and growing are all a part of the process, like layers of an onion. I was in a great hurry to "get there" wherever that was, but it was/is ultimately to a place of healing. Last week I was reminded of something: this is a process, not a destination. Hmm... .I've been thinking of it the opposite way. As I've slowed down and allowed myself time to absorb what I'm learning, I only have to look back over my shoulder and realize I've come a long way in the past 2 years. Do I still have process in front of me? Yes, but it's okay. I've gotten over the hump of needing to arrive, and I'm working hard but getting better all the time. Just remember it took us years to get to where we are today, and it will take some time to undo the abuse we experienced. Have patience with yourselves.

I think the length of time for each person is different. If someone had told me it would only take a few months, I'd be upset with myself for taking longer. If the time frame was projected to be years and years, I'd get discouraged and not be able to keep going. We are all unique and learn in different ways and at different speeds. However long it takes you is what is just right for you! What is important is that you begin and continue on the journey to healing. We are all cheering you on-keep up the good work!

Hugs to all of you! 

Woolspinner

[Lise]

I'm glad that you've found the information on this site helpful. Regarding the feeling of being overwhelmed, I for one can certainly relate to that. I don't really know why this is, but I think that it has to do with all the "mental rewiring" that has to be done.

For me, it's been very staining to try to make sense of everything. It's like I have two different films playing in my mind at once: One is the way I've always been taught things work, the memories I've grown up with, the view of the world I was forced to adopt growing up. The other is the new way of seeing things, all the pieces falling into place, the sadness, frustration and anger related to what I was subjected to, all the memories I've tried to block because they didn't make sense.

The result is a mess, my brain's sorting through it all, trying to resolve the paradoxes. At times, it's seemed like it was easier when I was living in the fog, accepting the world as presented by my BPD mother.

There are oh so many painful feelings ... .but also lots of good feelings: Feeling empowered, feeling love, feeling contentment (is that a word?), feeling that I'm okay, that I'm allowed to be here, to want, need and do things because they're important to me.

If this is in any way familiar to you, then wouldn't it be a wonder if you weren't feeling drained?   In my experience, the feeling of being overwhelmed will subside, it won't stay like this. But if you've had your entire foundation removed, it'll take some time to cast a new one. It'll be worth it, though - imagine living with a foundation of love, acceptance, and equality in stead of what you used to have.

I wish you all the best.