I finally snapped

[Tater tot]

I've finally had enough. I'm tired of caring about someone who either doesn't truly care, or doesn't know how to cope with/relate to/understand traditional care, compassion and concern.  I snapped. After going NC for 3 weeks, I caved and tried to initiate a friendship. I thought I was over it or above it, I can care about him when everyone else has walked away, I can be a friend and not take personally how he reacts or responds to me, because that's the disorder, and I care about the person. That attitude lasted a week... .I can not handle the aloofness, the disregard for me, the indifference.

I had enough. I send a FB message- I didn't say anything spiteful, or that I regret, but that he had a knack for making people feel like ___, that I cared about him as a person, like everyone else in my life, and that I was tired of his lack of genuine interest in me and my life (after he wanted to be friends) and that his feelings for me were never about me, but always him. I made sure he saw it and then immediately blocked him. Childish I know.

I received a text over an hour later, nonchalantly responding to an earlier text message I sent (no reference to my FB msg), I responded to not reach out to me again unless it's with an apology or a real interest in my life. I'm sure he doesn't want anything to do with me, but at the same time doesn't want me to hate him.

Ugh, I'm so over him and his disorder and more importantly I'm so over caring about someone who clearly could care less. It makes me mad at myself that I just haven't moved on, that I keep giving him the benefit of the doubt, that I ignore all my friends/family/gut/instincts/etc and put myself in a position to be hurt over and over again. I can only blame myself for that. I'm hoping that finally becoming angry with him, and not lashing out and saying something I regret, but lashing out in standing up for myself, that I won't cower and cave in and reach out to him in the future.

Thanks for listening, as I needed to get this out and off my chest.

[jayboy336]

     Hello there Tater tot! Thank you for sharing your feelings. I understand where you are coming from. I myself am battling with many feelings regarding my failed relationship with my exBPDso. I find myself blaming myself all the time on how I could be so stupid to believe that I could beat this disorder by being more loving and forgiving.

     The truth of the matter is, the entire relationship was doomed from the start. It was destined to be dysfunctional with many intrinsic flaws that you had no control over. Ultimately, you have to forgive yourself and forgive your ex for everything that has happened and move on. It will be a challenging road, but you can do it. You deserve so much better! One day, you will find a stable, healthy relationship. If it is one thing we can take from these types of relationships, its the warning signs of a dysfunctional one.

Hang in there

[Tater tot]

     Hello there Tater tot! Thank you for sharing your feelings. I understand where you are coming from. I myself am battling with many feelings regarding my failed relationship with my exBPDso. I find myself blaming myself all the time on how I could be so stupid to believe that I could beat this disorder by being more loving and forgiving.

     The truth of the matter is, the entire relationship was doomed from the start. It was destined to be dysfunctional with many intrinsic flaws that you had no control over. Ultimately, you have to forgive yourself and forgive your ex for everything that has happened and move on. It will be a challenging road, but you can do it. You deserve so much better! One day, you will find a stable, healthy relationship. If it is one thing we can take from these types of relationships, its the warning signs of a dysfunctional one.

Hang in there

Thanks JayBoy. I hope you are applying your own advice, in that you are forgiving yourself and your ex. You have a big heart, in finding the best in a person by opening your heart and be willing to forgive someone that you love. The right person will value that and not take advantage of it.

I find that I'm there, forgiving the ex, however I get clouded with forgiveness and compassion and it makes me want to reach out and "be there" for him. I'm going to try and practice forgiveness and forgetting - or forgiveness and just caring from afar.