My exBPD claims to be working on herself and not with a rebound BF

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I am not sure I believe her, but if she is telling the truth, what does that mean? Is she trying to get better? Is she not BPD, despite hitting every other criteria besides self mutilation? Was there a chance that the rapid and deep connection and professions of life long love were not just mirroring and idealization, and actually real? 

Am I getting my hopes up needlessly?

[tim_tom]

I am not sure I believe her, but if she is telling the truth, what does that mean? Is she trying to get better? Is she not BPD, despite hitting every other criteria besides self mutilation? Was there a chance that the rapid and deep connection and professions of life long love were not just mirroring and idealization, and actually real? 

Am I getting my hopes up needlessly?

[jayboy336]

     Hey there Tim_Tom. Im not sure exactly what she means but I can tell you from my experience, my exBPDso told me on many occasions that she would get therapy and not focus on finding a replacement. In some instances, she did actually go to therapy for a bit to attempt to work on her problems. It never lasted. The longest she could be without being in a relationship was a week. No matter how much she tried, she had to replace me to fill in that void.

     In clinical diagnoses, They only have to meet most of the criteria to be diagnosed. So chances are, she is BPD if she exerts most if not all the traits. Its easy to be in denial and cling on to hope that things will change and you can go back to that honeymoon stage. All I can tell you from my experience is that no matter what, If you pursue this, you will have that honeymoon stage again and no matter what, it will ALWAYS end badly. I have done this dance with my exPBDso for a a year and two months and I am finally ready to say enough is enough.

     You deserve better. Just focus on yourself and your healing. Work on adaptive, healthy means to detach from your ex and realize that you are better off and that you WILL get better and can one day, be in a healthy, meaningful relationship that you truly deserve.

[tim_tom]

    Hey there Tim_Tom. Im not sure exactly what she means but I can tell you from my experience, my exBPDso told me on many occasions that she would get therapy and not focus on finding a replacement. In some instances, she did actually go to therapy for a bit to attempt to work on her problems. It never lasted. The longest she could be without being in a relationship was a week. No matter how much she tried, she had to replace me to fill in that void.

    In clinical diagnoses, They only have to meet most of the criteria to be diagnosed. So chances are, she is BPD if she exerts most if not all the traits. Its easy to be in denial and cling on to hope that things will change and you can go back to that honeymoon stage. All I can tell you from my experience is that no matter what, If you pursue this, you will have that honeymoon stage again and no matter what, it will ALWAYS end badly. I have done this dance with my exPBDso for a a year and two months and I am finally ready to say enough is enough.

    You deserve better. Just focus on yourself and your healing. Work on adaptive, healthy means to detach from your ex and realize that you are better off and that you WILL get better and can one day, be in a healthy, meaningful relationship that you truly deserve.

Yeah, i know. My T is the one who told me she likely was, and after researching it, she is BPD out the wazoo... She's potentially lying cause she wants to get into my house to make sure she didn't forget anything. Plus I caught her in a lie not to long ago, not to mention many lies during the relationship

Was just surprised to hear that.

[Caredverymuch]

I am not sure I believe her, but if she is telling the truth, what does that mean? Is she trying to get better? Is she not BPD, despite hitting every other criteria besides self mutilation? Was there a chance that the rapid and deep connection and professions of life long love were not just mirroring and idealization, and actually real? 

Am I getting my hopes up needlessly?

I read a quote once that said when a pBPD says they are working on themselves, they are becoming more narcissistic. I don't mean to over generalize, and perhaps in your case that may not ring true.  It resonated with me as my expBPD could never be alone or truly 'work on himself' in an adult way.  To me, it was more of him pushing me away.

He was never without supply.  That's not working on anything but patterns.

[myself]

Not asking for the answers here, unless you want to post them.

Just saying, tim_tom, remember where this is coming from.

How was she when she was with you? What were her actions like?

Whether it was BPD or a bad cold, why did you break up?

Does she have a history of these kinds of patterns?

Those other times she lied, but maybe this time... .   

[tim_tom]

I read a quote once that said when a pBPD says they are working on themselves, they are becoming more narcissistic. I don't mean to over generalize, and perhaps in your case that may not ring true.  It resonated with me as my expBPD could never be alone or truly 'work on himself' in an adult way.  To me, it was more of him pushing me away.

He was never without supply.  That's not working on anything but patterns.

Yeah... I buy it. This is the same person that showed up with some guy at my house 2 weeks ago to get some stuff, without telling me or warning me, or for any good reason whatsoever

[BlackandBlue]

I know it is tough to accept, but I think it is wishful thinking on your part. I know that if I was in contact with my undiagnosed ex and she started telling me stuff like that my head would be spinning. These people are compulsive liars and scam artists. Have you ever tried NC? I remember when I was trying to talk to my ex it was a lost cause because all it did was upset me. Hang in there.

[tim_tom]

I know it is tough to accept, but I think it is wishful thinking on your part. I know that if I was in contact with my undiagnosed ex and she started telling me stuff like that my head would be spinning. These people are compulsive liars and scam artists. Have you ever tried NC? I remember when I was trying to talk to my ex it was a lost cause because all it did was upset me. Hang in there.

Longest was 16 days, had two 8 day periods as well... 6 weeks post bu

[goldylamont]

she's continuing to lie to you as she has done before. the "i'm working on things and taking time to myself" is one of the most common lies a pwBPD tells their ex after breaking up. i agree with another what another poster said in that now you are starting to see her more narcissistic side.

[tim_tom]

Not asking for the answers here, unless you want to post them.

Just saying, tim_tom, remember where this is coming from.

No problem!

How was she when she was with you? What were her actions like?

instant deep devotion/idolization... loved me more then anyone ever < 1 month, soulmates, marry me... . mirroring, my personality, sense of humor (i can tell because she doesn't have it anymore)

Controlling

push/pull - frequent threats to leave/move out/breakup

extreme jealousy + clinginess (text bombed whenever we were apart), always thought i was flirting with other girls (I wasn't), got mad if a girl was nice to me

physical abuse... not in a rage way, more in a controlling way... like punch me hard to get me to stop biting your nails... i did tell her it hurt and she'd say stop being such a vagina... also caught her kick on of our dogs and punch the other one

isolated me from friends

walking on egg shells... i was never allowed to be upset or critical of her in anyway without anger, lived in fear of her anger

silent treatment... .very frequent

always made mention of other guys hitting on her to get a reaction out of me

impulsive spending, lack of boundaries

yo yo diet... eat like a pig for a bit, then starve herself

grand sense of self/arrogant... even lied about past to support it, thought she was better then most

never happy, always found something else that needed to be done, or another vacation to she needed to go on

occasional distortions of reality, something I know happened 1 way, she would insist it happened another and get mad at me

told me she didn't like to hear the word no, and meant it... would pout/silent treatment if I said no

there's more I am forgetting, but you get the picture... this was all wrapped around some wonderfully caring and sweet behavior... although I've come to realize alot of the caring was about control

Whether it was BPD or a bad cold, why did you break up?

long story short, relationship was going down hill. I was dragging my feet about buying a ring, which pissed her off even more. She amped up all of the negative behavior, and was basically mad at me constantly, just impossible to deal with. Compounded by me taking a big promotion at work that is very stressful. I withdrew, detached, stop going to bed with her at night or hanging out with her, started abusing alcohol and gained a bunch of weight. She left and went dead cold instantly, like I didn't exist

Does she have a history of these kinds of patterns?

She's late 20's and lived with 4-5 guys, always dates older men, is now on her 4th major career switch. Claims she never had anything like she felt for me, but week after B/U she told me there was 1 other guy

Those other times she lied, but maybe this time... .   

[blissful_camper]

I am not sure I believe her, but if she is telling the truth, what does that mean? Is she trying to get better? Is she not BPD, despite hitting every other criteria besides self mutilation? Was there a chance that the rapid and deep connection and professions of life long love were not just mirroring and idealization, and actually real? 

Am I getting my hopes up needlessly?

I read a quote once that said when a pBPD says they are working on themselves, they are becoming more narcissistic. I don't mean to over generalize, and perhaps in your case that may not ring true.  It resonated with me as my expBPD could never be alone or truly 'work on himself' in an adult way.  To me, it was more of him pushing me away.

He was never without supply.  That's not working on anything but patterns.

Cared, that's interesting. Can you elaborate on how it's narcissistic?

I heard that from my ex as well.  

[tim_tom]

she's continuing to lie to you as she has done before. the "i'm working on things and taking time to myself" is one of the most common lies a pwBPD tells their ex after breaking up. i agree with another what another poster said in that now you are starting to see her more narcissistic side.

Yeah, i am realizing that. She's probably got supply, I don't think she's ever been alone for more then a week.

Oh well

[BlackandBlue]

My ex told me that she doesn't want to be in a relationship because she wants to focus on school. When she called it off she was on summer break which made absolutely no sense! Now that the fall semester has started she has a new boyfriend... .she is a walking contradiction!

[Infern0]

I got a three page letter about her needing to go and work on herself etc. It was wonderfully written and incredibly convincing.  She adressed most of her issues,  and expressed desire to change in order to have a truly happy life and hoped that we could be together in the future once she was ready.

2 days later she was instagraming pics of my replacement to our mutual friends

[tim_tom]

I got a three page letter about her needing to go and work on herself etc. It was wonderfully written and incredibly convincing.  She adressed most of her issues,  and expressed desire to change in order to have a truly happy life and hoped that we could be together in the future once she was ready.

2 days later she was instagraming pics of my replacement to our mutual friends

Well, she did a 180 with me on Thursday, went from cold and treating me like a stranger to sending me a couple of warm emails... I am thinking that w/e new supply she had must of soured

[Infern0]

I got a three page letter about her needing to go and work on herself etc. It was wonderfully written and incredibly convincing.  She adressed most of her issues,  and expressed desire to change in order to have a truly happy life and hoped that we could be together in the future once she was ready.

2 days later she was instagraming pics of my replacement to our mutual friends

Well, she did a 180 with me on Thursday, went from cold and treating me like a stranger to sending me a couple of warm emails... I am thinking that w/e new supply she had must of soured

Yeah I'm back in contact with mine too,  it went from me being the worst person in the world to having nice talks and possibly meeting up. The BPD adventure continues.  If you can stay away,  do it. Looks like I'm going back in and I know I'm going to regret it but I feel almost out of control.  I have to see her.

[tim_tom]

Yeah I'm back in contact with mine too,  it went from me being the worst person in the world to having nice talks and possibly meeting up. The BPD adventure continues.  If you can stay away,  do it. Looks like I'm going back in and I know I'm going to regret it but I feel almost out of control.  I have to see her.

welp, just saw her. Cold as heck. I can only deduce that it was all a lie to get me to do things her way in terms of getting her stuff, rather then when it's convienant for me...

Also she accused me of lying about three different things, claimed I threw away some of her stuff, only to find out she had left them in my trunk. Never even said sorry for that. Projection

Duped again

Back to hate/anger stage for me

[rickdeckard]

I got the "need to work on myself". Cuddling on the couch, she got a couple of texts. Turned cold. Got up and said she needed to go home. No reason given. O texted her asking why, she answered a few hours later saying she needed some space, needed to work on her issues, wasnt ready to be in a relationship (after having already stated we were in a relationship). Next morning I drove by her house, her ex boyfriends truck was in the driveway. Guess she needed some "assistance" working on her issues. Believe it or not, I still kept trying. Denial isnt just a river in Egypt.

Im sorry she keeps doing this, Tim. It hurts really bad. We really do want to believe the person we love is coming back. The hope would be better invested in your own bright future. That is something you actually have control over.

[tim_tom]

I got the "need to work on myself". Cuddling on the couch, she got a couple of texts. Turned cold. Got up and said she needed to go home. No reason given. O texted her asking why, she answered a few hours later saying she needed some space, needed to work on her issues, wasnt ready to be in a relationship (after having already stated we were in a relationship). Next morning I drove by her house, her ex boyfriends truck was in the driveway. Guess she needed some "assistance" working on her issues. Believe it or not, I still kept trying. Denial isnt just a river in Egypt.

Im sorry she keeps doing this, Tim. It hurts really bad. We really do want to believe the person we love is coming back. The hope would be better invested in your own bright future. That is something you actually have control over.

We lived together, under no circumstances would I want her to move back in. Sure, I'd like to date and do things with her, just fun... But what kills me is the coldness, she's like an empty shell with me, cold cold cold... It's so unbearably painful that she's moved on with a flip of the switch.

And worse yet, I told her I wanted 1 final move out, today was the 5th time she's taken stuff out. I stood my ground on 1 final move out, she got warm for the first time post BU, and I allowed her another partial move out. Now I am the one that is hurting, duped!

[rickdeckard]

We lived together, under no circumstances would I want her to move back in. Sure, I'd like to date and do things with her, just fun... But what kills me is the coldness, she's like an empty shell with me, cold cold cold... It's so unbearably painful that she's moved on with a flip of the switch.

And worse yet, I told her I wanted 1 final move out, today was the 5th time she's taken stuff out. I stood my ground on 1 final move out, she got warm for the first time ever, and I allowed her another partial move out. Now I am the one that is hurting, duped!

The flipping the switch is one of the hardest things, it doesnt make sense to us because we cannot do it. Be careful if you get to hang out or date in the future, hearing stories about having fun with replacement will not be pleasant to hear. I couldn't be friends and listen to that.

Yeah, it does sound like you have been duped. A back-up just in case. Or, at least, free storage. Sorry, that's harsh, but its the way I see it. Try to reestablish your boundary about her stuff being removed.

Do you think, maybe on some level, you are allowing this because it keeps you connected in some way? As a reason for her to keep you in her life and stay in contact?

[mitchell16]

in my experience, they will say whatever the need to say to get you back for a recycle or keep you hanging on hoping for the recycle. Ive did it, ive heard and it always ended the same way. I wasted 3 years and I think of it as a big waste of my time and life. Not only the cost it did to my mental and physical health.  Even if she was working on herself from what have read, it takes years. after one of our many, many, many breaks up. one of the thing she promised was to get therapy if i would too. I thought great we are fixing to start moving in a postive direction. First session went great, the therapist gave us some homework to complete before our next session. I completeed mine in a few days, weeks later she still hadnt did hers. When I said something to her about it she said I guess you got yours done already. I said yes, she said thats what I figured. I asked what that meant, she said well your so obssessed with me and us, I figured you did it the first day. She never went back to therapy this was like 5 break ups back. She did just enough to get me back into the loop and that was it. we recycled for about 3 or 4 weeks and broke up again.

in my opinion by wishful thinking you are just going to keep doing this dance forever. I wish you luck I know its hard but NC is really the way to go.

[tim_tom]

Do you think, maybe on some level, you are allowing this because it keeps you connected in some way? As a reason for her to keep you in her life and stay in contact?

A little of that, and a little of not being mean.

I try and treat people like I would want to be treated. Everyone tells me, including my T to just take all her stuff, put it in my driveway under a tarp and tell her she has a week to get it.

For me... that seems like a crappy thing to do to someone. And yeah, a bit of thinking I'll burn my ridges with her... both combined force me not to do it... but meanwhile, I am the one that keeps having setbacks, and prolonging my own misery.

I mean, this is the fifth freaken time she came to get some of her stuff. Each time with disastrous results for me, and she acts like it's no big deal, just cold... .I told her I can't handle it, but she acts like she's hurting real bad too, and she'll always love me, and I get sucked right back in... Only when she needs something though.

It's so transparent, but I keep getting sucked back in

[myself]

It's so transparent, but I keep getting sucked back in

Then you really have to look into why this happens for you. She can push and pull all she wants, but if you have solid boundaries and resist her attempts, which you know are going to be disordered/painful, you won't fall for it. Because you'll be looking after yourself more than worrying about being 'mean' to her. Which, I agree, get the rest of her things together, let her know in a businesslike way that she can come get it all on such and such weekend or whatever, and be done with it. She won't have to come inside, you won't have to interact with her, and it will be less stressful/ confrontational/ emotional for you. She's already had her chances. This one's yours.

I try and treat people like I would want to be treated.

How are you being treated? You don't have to do the same to her, but you also don't have to continue taking it, or setting yourself up to be affected by it. Detach. Be free of this. Remove yourself from the vicious circle.

[tim_tom]

Then you really have to look into why this happens for you. She can push and pull all she wants, but if you have solid boundaries and resist her attempts, which you know are going to be disordered/painful, you won't fall for it. Because you'll be looking after yourself more than worrying about being 'mean' to her. Which, I agree, get the rest of her things together, let her know in a businesslike way that she can come get it all on such and such weekend or whatever, and be done with it. She won't have to come inside, you won't have to interact with her, and it will be less stressful/ confrontational/ emotional for you. She's already had her chances. This one's yours.

She told me she doesn't mean to be cold, but she's just able to shut off emotions when she needs to. Is that like a BPD confession?

Aannd ... I bought it... "Awww, she's really hurting and just can't deal with it... she must really love me". Even knowing all that I know about BPD now, something short circuits logical reasoning when I here from her. And she takes advantage of it.

How are you being treated? You don't have to do the same to her, but you also don't have to continue taking it, or setting yourself up to be affected by it. Detach. Be free of this. Remove yourself from the vicious circle.

Like poo. I am being treated like poo, and all it took was a little warmth for me to say, yes please... give me more

[Aussie0zborn]

Was there a chance that the rapid and deep connection and professions of life long love were not just mirroring and idealization, and actually real?

No, they were all lies. She would have said the same thing to any guy who stood there long enough to listen to it. You just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. She said the same things to the guys before you and will say the same to the guys after you. Some of those guys were smart enough to move on so she needs to make a fast, deep connection so that you don't leave when the first sign of trouble appears. None of those guys who moved on are here on this forum - they're out enjoying their lives.

Am I getting my hopes up needlessly?

Yes, and foolishly too.  Needlessly because you don't need BPD grief in your life. Foolishly because this forum will give you a million and one reasons you need to take stock and move on.

[rickdeckard]

@Tim,

Have you considered moving it yourself? If you can afford it you could rent a storage area for one month (NO LONGER!), put her stuff in it and hand her the key. That way, you have been nice enough to not leave her possessions in the elements, you will not have to see her on any terms other than your own. It becomes her responsibility to either pay for more storage or pick up the items. You are not the bad guy there.

[goldylamont]

put it in the tarp in the driveway like your T and other people have suggested. you know there is a big problem when you cannot listen to the advice of the many people who are on your side with this.

also, you could pack it up and ship it to her. done deal. or put it in boxes and leave it on her doorstep, then send a text when you're done. done deal.

you're missing the final chances here to do something for yourself before the final break. you don't have to, you can give her control of everything like the rest of the r/s, but, you do have the option to take matters into your own hand. i left my ex's stuff in a bag outside her door while she was at work and sent a text because she kept playing games. and glad i did.

thinking that being nice to her now will keep you in her good graces is the opposite of reality. unbeknownst to us we fell from grace a long time ago. she doesn't care about you or have feelings for you anymore, like you said, she admitted she can just turn off her feelings. this is the narcissistic side. you only will have a couple more chances to stand up for yourself, i suggest you take it.

[shellbent]

My ex has been in a rs since the age of 18. In her last one that lasted 5 years she was a ghost. New job, hard time adjusting. Now that I think back at her she was like a frightened child. The thing is I think she is a good person with integrity and a whole lot of compassion for others in general. I do not think she is a liar. In all truth I think she is really honest. Maybe she was one of a kind, maybe just like all others, but it can only be considered a lie if they are trying to deceive you.

In reality my ex had a distorted view of others, herself and reality in general.

So she was telling the "truth" her own truth. Some things she was unable to say, like her emotions that she thought would be ridiculed, or her opinions of things in fear of being rejected. So when my ex told me she needed to be alone so she can work on her co-dependency I really believed her. Yes for some reason she didn't see our relationship fit for her anymore, but I think this all started from her fear of getting too close to me and then her fear of being abandoned.

She wants to be independent and possibly felt anxious about what she would do if she was left broken hearted.

She felt she has issues that caused her anxiety. She said she wanted to work on herself, but just always had a problem in making changes in her life. She constantly struggled with change. Couldn't quit smoking, and that was just one thing she couldn't do (which in itself is pretty common)

I felt like she really wanted to work on her emotions/anxiety but eventually found someone else and just took the "easy" way out.

For weeks she was always hanging out with girlfriends and going out every night for drinks. She even admitted going thru a phase like she was 16 again. Always kept posting these events to FB as if she wanted someone to follow her moves.

She was so desperately trying to hang on to her girlfriends and use them for support. I think eventually she started meeting new guys in the process.

This is where I lost track of what was going on. She told me she was a r/s addict and she needed to get over that. So maybe in her efforts she started idealizing some guy, but from what I can tell he is not someone she would feel comfortable with. In this time (i have every reason to believe) she was guilty of leaving her ex and tried recycling him. That didn't seem to go well, so another distortion and she said he was trying to go back to her after allegedly dating someone else already.

She has been going on dates with this other dude, but I don't know if they are in a rs or what. She still seems super clingy to her friends at work and rarely ever is seen going anywhere alone. At this point I am in the dark as I have not tried contacting her at all. I only see her at work and she does seem to be happy again.

So in the while she is "working on her issues" she might have just thought "oh well this guy seems nice what could be the harm?"

This is where I have no clarity on what is going on. She still avoids me so I have no clue. All I am saying is they are weak and full of distortions so I don't think they mean to harm anyone they are just very "selfish" and cannot see what they do to others. (maybe she is first a pwNPD and then a pwBPD too hard to tell for sure)

[tim_tom]

No, they were all lies. She would have said the same thing to any guy who stood there long enough to listen to it. You just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. She said the same things to the guys before you and will say the same to the guys after you. Some of those guys were smart enough to move on so she needs to make a fast, deep connection so that you don't leave when the first sign of trouble appears. None of those guys who moved on are here on this forum - they're out enjoying their lives.

Yes, and foolishly too.  Needlessly because you don't need BPD grief in your life. Foolishly because this forum will give you a million and one reasons you need to take stock and move on.

Haha! Thanks! I appreciate tough love... I really do... .

She is guilt tripping me about my kids, saying they miss me so much, you should let me be in their life somehow. The do miss her, but I told her 2 weeks ago that it would only prolong their pain. This was a common thing she did during the relationships (guilt trips), and they work cause I am second guessing myself once again. This is the same person that said "i hate that you have kids", and "I left cause of the kids! what don't you get about that" a month ago, now suddenly she wants to see them? I'm told this is just to keep my dangling, on the end of that leash in case she ever needs to pull it.

ugh...

[shellbent]

One more thing, when she started dating me, she did not want her ex to know about it as it would probably be even more painful for him.

The same seems to be happening with me, she tells me it is redundant to put on FB that you are in a rs with someone so quick. Her status said she was single up until a few days after she told me this. After that the status was hidden. So she would be hiding a new bf from me. (?)

Also when she put on her status that we were in a rs she only let a few of her friends see that. She is really the avoidant type, or don't know what that is all about.