Giving Us Time to Heal

[FigureIt]

A little background first... .  I was at the end in August.  I finally had all out had it and said I was done, moving out, etc.  My uBPDbf said he would get help, counseling, etc.  He did and has.  He has been better, although still has a drinking problem on the weekends.  But, he has not been nasty, etc. 

I dealt with all his ups/downs, nastiness, etc. for 3 years.  Now he expects that I should just let it ALL go and start fresh.  I know he is trying and working at things, but it has only been 1 1/2 months and he thinks ALL my wounds should be healed.

Thoughts?

Also, on Friday my aunt died suddenly.  He was supportive on the phone when I spoke with him around noon.  But, he chose to go out drinking with friends after work.  I did have to take my D8 to a sport, but he could of come with me, he could of taken us to dinner.  So, it's not at all about me... .ever!

Then when he was going to be on his way home, he texts me that he is bringing his boss home.  So, I rush home, clean up the house, etc.  And he shows up an hour later then he texted with NO boss.  I was soo pissed!

So, then he wants to talk about info. on my aunt.  I had had a few glasses of wine, and things did not go well.  He tried comparing the death of his aunt a couple months prior, who was 85+ & had been sick, to the death of mine, which was sudden & she was 60 as the same.  Then he also said that because I wasn't in the hospital (with him, his sister & his mother) when his aunt passed, I am cold!

He frustrates me!

Oh, and in his opinion I have no reason to be "mean" to him when I am drinking.  You know since everything he has done in the past is "over"

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Indyan]

A little background first... .  I was at the end in August.  I finally had all out had it and said I was done, moving out, etc.  My uBPDbf said he would get help, counseling, etc.  

I'm there too. He's starting therapy on his own, and we're going to MC starting Saturday.

He's been staying at his parents' house for 3 months... .

Seeing the T seems to have done him good as he hasn't been nasty (threatening about the house or baby's custody) since he saw him on Monday.

But I wonder how he could maybe expect me to forget and forgive all the horrible things he's done and said to me?

In fact the reason we are separating is because I couldn't do as if nothing happened after a horrible summer.

[FigureIt]

Mine hasn't been "nasty" as he was before.  But, what he seems to believe is fixed just isn't there.  He now actually believes that after going to counseling bi-monthly for 2 months, that he is almost done.  And that I am the one who needs to work on things. 

I have tried to explain that I went through 3 years of his nastiness and crap and I should be all good now that he's believes he's fixed.  It's not even worth saying anything anymore.

And now he's back on how I'm too friendly with my ex-husband.  I have a child with my ex-husband so am trying to be sortof amicable.  I know my ex is a narcissistic ass and only does what suites him.

[Indyan]

He probably feels very different, and has now a different look at your relationship (and you).

You're lucky, I wish I was there. Don't blow it up, he seems to really trying.

From what I've read here, I don't think we can expect them to aknowledge the pain they have caused. And yeah, that's hard.

[FigureIt]

I am trying very hard to let it go.  Sometimes it is just tough.  Twice I drank a bit too much in these 2 months and have really let go as to how I felt.  He didn't like that too much... .

Also, last week I was mourning my aunt that passed away and had a tone of errands I was running, it all seemed to bother him because "I wasn't there for him."  I get frustrated that he can't recognize that he's almost 50yrs. old and I'm not his mother.  That an 8yr. old is going to come before him.

Ex. at the Funeral Luncheon we were at a large table with a number of my family members.  Everyone is talking, etc.  After eating he says to me that "3 times I turned away while he was talking to me."  I didn't even realize cause I was conversing with everyone at the table.  But, he needed to be focused on... .  At these times I want to say "are you kidding me."  Heck, when I try to talk to just him he doesn't even give me eye contact, he's either watching tv, reading the paper, or looking at his phone.