Maybe its my Fault?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Been thinking alot about the B/U. Still no contact now 4 days. B/U almost 4 weeks. Maybe it was my fault. Maybe Im not lovable. Maybe Im not capable of love as she said. Maybe the reason she's with another man the day after breaking up with me is my fault. Maybe Ive failed. Sad.

[Deeno02]

Been thinking alot about the B/U. Still no contact now 4 days. B/U almost 4 weeks. Maybe it was my fault. Maybe Im not lovable. Maybe Im not capable of love as she said. Maybe the reason she's with another man the day after breaking up with me is my fault. Maybe Ive failed. Sad.

[BlackandBlue]

What you are feeling now is part of the healing process. We all have beat ourselves up and question things after the BU... .including myself.  I'm notorious for beating myself up but when I really thought about everything that went on in my relationship I know that I did my best for my ex and it wasn't enough... .no matter what I did it would never be enough. I'm still new to this whole BPD thing, but I want you to know it gets better. Hang in there.

[myself]

Sorry you're going through this, but don't feel too sorry for yourself.

Ask yourself these questions for real. Dig deep. Be honest.

Are you lovable? Are you capable of love? (We ALL are. Exes, too.)

Is it your fault the r/s ended? That she ran off with someone else?

Did you make her do what she did, or were those her choices/actions?

Did you do your best at the time? Can you do your best right now?

It's good to face this stuff, and find the truth of it for ourselves.

Don't take on what isn't yours, though, it'll continue weighing you down.

Scratch this itch. Chip away at it. You'll find out who you really are.

[fred6]

Been thinking alot about the B/U. Still no contact now 4 days. B/U almost 4 weeks. Maybe it was my fault. Maybe Im not lovable. Maybe Im not capable of love as she said. Maybe the reason she's with another man the day after breaking up with me is my fault. Maybe Ive failed. Sad.

I've been thinking of my failings in the r/s also. Is new supply a better man? Is he better in bed? Does he make more money? Is he more supportive? Is he more fun and outgoing? With all the reading that I've done about BPD, I kind of understand the process. But yet, I still can't wrap my head around it. I fear that these questions will haunt me for a long while. You're not alone Deeno02!

[camuse]

Been thinking alot about the B/U. Still no contact now 4 days. B/U almost 4 weeks. Maybe it was my fault. Maybe Im not lovable. Maybe Im not capable of love as she said. Maybe the reason she's with another man the day after breaking up with me is my fault. Maybe Ive failed. Sad.

Ah the guilt stage

This was one of the worst parts of healing for me, I started a thread about it.

It's not your fault - moving to a new partner the day after leaving an old one is not normal behaviour. Self reflecting is normal behaviour.

It's the fault of a mental illness, not yours. But you need to ask these questions as part of your journey out the other side.

Guilt is pointless. You can regret things if you made mistakes (we all do) but don't waste time feeling guilty over someone else's disorder.

Let all these thoughts in and process them, eventually it will pass. I expect you will feel anger soon, and that's great - you are on the road to recovery

Sorry you are hurting x

[Bak86]

After the breakup i thought it was all me, i thought i was the crazy one. You will get through this, you are stronger than the pwBPD.

[justmenmycoffee]

Ditto the guilt is the part im having a hard time shaking

[camuse]

Ditto the guilt is the part im having a hard time shaking

The fact you feel guilt shows you aren't to blame, to an extent. You wanted to do your best, you reflect naturally on what you could have done better. This is a normal healthy response. It's unpleasant in the extreme, but it's all part of the process and it will pass. No one's perfect, but did you really do anything terrible - ask yourself? Did you hit your pwBPD, cheat on them, abuse them? If not, then why the guilt? Mine did all those things and I still felt it was my fault

I felt so guilty I cannot tell you, but now I can't actually remember what I felt guilty about - I did nothing but my very best for her, and she couldnt reciprocate. That's sad for her. Once I accepted I wasn't to blame, I felt angry, and then I felt compassion for her. How very sad for them that they can never experience genuine adult love.

[justmenmycoffee]

You are right... .I never did anything to be labeled as an abuser... .I so sad that i even let her projections get to me... .

[Deeno02]

Thanks folks. Im not perfect by any means. I could have done better. We had 2 seperate households going, my 2 kids and her 5. I was up front at the beginning that I could not spend 24/7 with her. When we met, she wasnt even divorced yet so I think I was the knight in shining armor. Single mom of 5, no job, freaked out about life. Tada! it gets clearer the more I talk about it. She's excellant at volleyball and started getting offers to coach. together for a year and a half. On top of her 5 kids schedules and the coaching, I rarely got to spend much time like we did when she wasnt employed, but I tired to at least stop by and hug her while the chaos unfolded in her house from 5 kids, homework, dinner stuff like that at 8-9pm. Weekends not much better with all day soccer tourneys (travel) or all day VB tourneys. I waited patiently. Funny thing is, she never stopped by my house to reciprocate. I always got the treat me special or lose me speech. Numerous times it happened and I just sucked it up and dealt with it. Didnt say a word. Finally, the last one made me snap and I went NC for a few days to sort this out. When I got ready to try and work this out, express how I felt, I was told its over. Next day, new guy being chatted up and now they are together. At 50 years old, I dont recover from this crap all that well and Im so confused and sad. I was ready to take on 5 kids (one autistic), plus my own and be with her for the rest of my life. What the heck.

[camuse]

Thanks folks. Im not perfect by any means. I could have done better. We had 2 seperate households going, my 2 kids and her 5. I was up front at the beginning that I could not spend 24/7 with her. When we met, she wasnt even divorced yet so I think I was the knight in shining armor. Single mom of 5, no job, freaked out about life. Tada! it gets clearer the more I talk about it. She's excellant at volleyball and started getting offers to coach. together for a year and a half. On top of her 5 kids schedules and the coaching, I rarely got to spend much time like we did when she wasnt employed, but I tired to at least stop by and hug her while the chaos unfolded in her house from 5 kids, homework, dinner stuff like that at 8-9pm. Weekends not much better with all day soccer tourneys (travel) or all day VB tourneys. I waited patiently. Funny thing is, she never stopped by my house to reciprocate. I always got the treat me special or lose me speech. Numerous times it happened and I just sucked it up and dealt with it. Didnt say a word. Finally, the last one made me snap and I went NC for a few days to sort this out. When I got ready to try and work this out, express how I felt, I was told its over. Next day, new guy being chatted up and now they are together. At 50 years old, I dont recover from this crap all that well and Im so confused and sad. I was ready to take on 5 kids (one autistic), plus my own and be with her for the rest of my life. What the heck.

No one's perfect, but I don't see anything to be guilty about here - quite the opposite.

"treat me like a princess, make me feel special" I heard that one too.

Sounds like you are a good guy to me, and BPDs abuse good people. Be nice to yourself

[Nomad1027]

I know you hurt right now and you are struggling to understand what happened and what you could have done differently.  I used to cry bitterly thinking that if only I had done or said something different.  I feel your anguish.  But please know, in your heart, that the outcome - as sad as it is - was inevitable.  Nothing you did or did not do or say could have changed the end.  It may have changed the timing a bit, but it would have ended all the same.

I know that in my r/s with mu UxBPDgf, my words unintentionally triggered her fear of abandonment.  This led her to breakup with me early the next day.  

I know she was struggling with the decision and 3 or 4 days later we were on the phone and she was crying and apologizing for hurting me.  When I pleaded with her to hold on and give us a chance, her tone changed and she just coldly and sarcastically said "Oh please!  :)on't beg." It was at that moment that she painted me black, I believe.  From what I have heard, she now sees me as broken, codependent, and weak, but not as a bad person.  However, the perceived weakness was enough to allow her to move on and begin finding the replacement.

I spent weeks letting this swirl in my head: "what if I hadn't triggered her initial fear of abandonment?"  and "what if I had held back and not cried and pleaded with her?"  I felt upset and frustrated with myself.  Had I contributed to the end of the r/s?

The only answer I have for myself (and perhaps it is your answer too) is that it is not really a matter of "If".  Eventually, something else would have triggered her BPD behaviors. It was really just a matter of time.  Perhaps it came sooner with my initial and subsequent conversations, but it would have come all the same.

DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF.  Her disorder drove the breakup.  Not you.