All in my feelings

[Depression = 72% of members]

Today im triggered cause im still fb friends with my ex's sister and i logged in and saw that she just became friends with my replacement... .they dont even know each other have never met... .All my ex's family stopped talking to me like im the one with the problems... They say things like "my loyalty is to my sister" which i get but damn it blows to just watch. Ive been excommunicated after 9 yrs when everyone in her family except her dad has called me for advice... .especially her sister ive spent hours with her on the phone crying about her imaginary thoughts of her husband cheating... I know we broke up but ive never experience being totally cutoff from ppl i love this is killin me

[justmenmycoffee]

Today im triggered cause im still fb friends with my ex's sister and i logged in and saw that she just became friends with my replacement... .they dont even know each other have never met... .All my ex's family stopped talking to me like im the one with the problems... They say things like "my loyalty is to my sister" which i get but damn it blows to just watch. Ive been excommunicated after 9 yrs when everyone in her family except her dad has called me for advice... .especially her sister ive spent hours with her on the phone crying about her imaginary thoughts of her husband cheating... I know we broke up but ive never experience being totally cutoff from ppl i love this is killin me

[Aussie0zborn]

Ofcourse its killing you but it might not be reasonable to expect anyone, no matter how decent you are, to not support their family. In some cases it goes either way but I don't think you can reasonably expect anything different if that is their wish and I think you need to respect that and cut your losses and block them all on FB. Her sister becoming FB friends with your replacement was going to happen sooner or later anyway, regardless of your level of rapport with the sister.

I wonder how you might best get over this? What steps have you taken?

[OutOfEgypt]

I'm sorry for what you are going through.  But I never underestimate my BPD ex's power to manipulate and use FOG to push people into turning away from me.  I just hope it never happens with my children.  I know it is awful, but if they manipulated us and isolated us from others and made us feel like we needed to be on "their side", then of course they are going to do it with others toward us.  If they were pressuring and controlling us, they are pressuring and controlling others, too.

In my case, things are not as bad, thankfully.  I remember after finally leaving my ex how my ex's mother was very happy to see me (because she almost never saw me or my kids because my ex hated her).  But I was very careful.  I knew that once my ex found out that I was visiting her mother with the kids, she would find a way to "forgive" her mother and repair the relationship.  And I was right.  Though her family loves me, not a single one of them reaches out to me.  I can drop in and say hello, but I know they feel obligated to my ex.  She's made them feel terrible for years about not feeling obligated to her, so why would she stop now?

And I can only imagine the exaggerated stories or full-blown fabrications she has told to them in an attempt to make them think I'm bad.  She knows that they know how she is, and she knows that they know I'm a good man.  Better sabotage that #$, right?

Things will probably calm down in time as your ex finds a new victim and new person to punish.  As that happens, things may relax with your ex's family.  I know it hurts, but just realize that it is not because of you or anything you did.  It is because of your ex's warped power to control and obligate even her own family.

But I know your pain.  My teenage daughter is friends with the guy my ex cheated on me with while we were still married (well... .the last guy she cheated on me with).  She has no idea about the cheating, but she thinks he is a "friend".  It makes me sick, but what am I going to do?

[justmenmycoffee]

Honestly im still in shock... .i just now blocked all her family... .now if i can only stop thinking about it... .Right now im still groping in the dark for why i cant just let it go... .i used to be so confident now im completely unsure of my self... .Steadily comparing myself to my replacement... .

[OutOfEgypt]

I understand.  I've been there.  But isn't that kinda what your ex wants?  She wants to walk away and have YOU feel like the loser so that she doesn't have to.  Who is really the loser, though?  How about the person who has to guilt-trip and manipulate people just to be on her side because they know how selfish and awful she is?  How about the person who cheats on her man and then flaunts her new replacement in front of others?  That is a loser.  That is a shameless, shameful person.  That is the truth.  And she's going to do it to the next guy if he sticks around long enough.  You know what the truth is.  And no matter how well she can spin her web in the short term, you know it will always fall down.  Always.  In the end, the truth will come out all by itself.  In fact, the best thing she can do to validate this truth is to continue living.  She will just continue doing it and continue showing exactly what she is.

[OutOfEgypt]

Things will get better.  I know it hurts.  But let the chaos fall down around you and keep your focus on your life.  Keep tight to a few good friends, and just live and improve your life.  Let time do its work.

[Caredverymuch]

it blows to just watch. Ive been excommunicated after 9 yrs when everyone in her family except her dad has called me for advice... .especially her sister ive spent hours with her on the phone crying about her imaginary thoughts of her husband cheating... I know we broke up but ive never experience being totally cutoff from ppl i love this is killin me

PDs are born in the family of origin.  These behaviors were modeled and learned. You are witnessing an unfortunate hard display of their dysfunctional unit, called family.   Take care of yourself. 

[justmenmycoffee]

You are right... .When i met her mom she asked for my phone number and asked can she call me if her daughter disappeared... I had no idea what that meant then but now i know she runs whenever she is confronted about her actions... .i know it will fail when she left she moved to a new state with her mom and the replacement still lives in up here... .i talked to her sister after the bu and u are right she told them not to speak to me cause i was gonna tell lies on her... .i told her sister everything but when i said ur sister is happy and moved on she said u dont know that... .i know the family is in the middle and can not mediate appropriately but im still angry

[justmenmycoffee]

PDs are born in the family of origin.  These behaviors were modeled and learned. You are witnessing an unfortunate hard display of their dysfunctional unit, called family.   Take care of yourself.  [/quote]
Yessssssssss!

[justmenmycoffee]

Ofcourse its killing you but it might not be reasonable to expect anyone, no matter how decent you are, to not support their family. In some cases it goes either way but I don't think you can reasonably expect anything different if that is their wish and I think you need to respect that and cut your losses and block them all on FB. Her sister becoming FB friends with your replacement was going to happen sooner or later anyway, regardless of your level of rapport with the sister.

I wonder how you might best get over this? What steps have you taken?

I agree... .I just have a hard time grasping them supporting a relationship with a 22 year old boy who still lives with his parents playing in cover bands no career no education and she is32 still trying to live out a rock n roll dream while they pay her rent... .But hey they say its me

[Pingo]

I know how that feels to be ditched by the family that you have grown to feel like part of your own family.  I have been in many r/ss and only 2 BPD and in ALL cases the families have sided with their own blood, no matter how ridiculous the behaviour.  I learned a long time ago that this is just how it is and when I ended this r/s, I never expected anything different.  I unfriended my ex's entire family about a month after we split.  It was a very difficult thing to do but it was just too painful to see them on there every day and miss them and wish I could still be part of their family.  I also didn't want to know anything about what the ex was up to.  Now, 2 months later, I'm glad I did it.  It has helped me heal faster.

[justmenmycoffee]

I know how that feels to be ditched by the family that you have grown to feel like part of your own family.  I have been in many r/ss and only 2 BPD and in ALL cases the families have sided with their own blood, no matter how ridiculous the behaviour.  I learned a long time ago that this is just how it is and when I ended this r/s, I never expected anything different.  I unfriended my ex's entire family about a month after we split.  It was a very difficult thing to do but it was just too painful to see them on there every day and miss them and wish I could still be part of their family.  I also didn't want to know anything about what the ex was up to.  Now, 2 months later, I'm glad I did it.  It has helped me heal faster.

I get it... .Im just devastated and shocked. I guess i always knew her family was her enabler and as the root of problems so ultimately i guess i expected to much especially since the sister is older than the replacement and they have never met... .The sister texted me and told me after i unfriended her and said its not my business but fb is all fake and she sends her love ... .I shouldnt have responded but i did and i said now thats fake cause love doesnt discard someone that they knew for 10 yrs and adored(yes the sister and i were that close) and twist the knife on them when they r down... .i get family loyalty but there is also neutrality