Saw a recent photo of her - just incredible

[camuse]

Happened to see a photo yesterday of my uBPDex, on FB - she is with 4 other women. It is just a terrifying image, I sort of wish I could post it! The change in a few months is unbelievable - she looks totally insane. They are posing for a nice group shot, but there are 4 pleasant looking smiling women, and on the end one overweight lady with crazy, wide staring eyes and an angry expression. I barely recognize her. She is staring intensely at the camera with an attempt at a smile, trying to cover a furious expression - she looks so angry and terrifying.  If I put it alongside one from a year before, where she is with me looking soft, pretty, half closed eyes, peaceful, you wouldn't think they were the same person. I showed a friend, and they just said "wow."

I took a look at the other in the series of her, she is alone this time, again staring. No smile, just the same sad angry eyes.

I think I had the final realisation that the fantasy woman really is gone, dead. I wasn't triggered, I just felt very sad - for her. What a state she looks. How happy she looked in our old snaps as she mirrored my expression. How sad for her that she can't achieve that for real.

Those fantasy men and women we fall in love with, they really do not exist at all. And they really do deserve our compassion. I'm glad I treated mine well, despite everything she did to me. I hope she found a little happiness during that time.

[Aussie0zborn]

How happy she looked in our old snaps as she mirrored my expression. How sad for her that she can't achieve that for real.

Yes, well said... ."as she mirrored your expression"

Those fantasy men and women we fall in love with, they really do not exist at all. And they really do deserve our compassion. I'm glad I treated mine well, despite everything she did to me. I hope she found a little happiness during that time.

Well said. I'm sure she found some happiness during that time but ultimately they cause their own abandonment and they know from the outset that it's coming. I feel that any happiness they felt or should have felt was constantly dampened by that fear of abandonment.

Having compassion is a good thing but not a good enough reason to go back to such a relationship. I admire your compassion but I can only hope you don't feel responsible for her happiness anymore.

[camuse]

How happy she looked in our old snaps as she mirrored my expression. How sad for her that she can't achieve that for real.

Yes, well said... ."as she mirrored your expression"

Those fantasy men and women we fall in love with, they really do not exist at all. And they really do deserve our compassion. I'm glad I treated mine well, despite everything she did to me. I hope she found a little happiness during that time.

Well said. I'm sure she found some happiness during that time but ultimately they cause their own abandonment and they know from the outset that it's coming. I feel that any happiness they felt or should have felt was constantly dampened by that fear of abandonment.

Having compassion is a good thing but not a good enough reason to go back to such a relationship. I admire your compassion but I can only hope you don't feel responsible for her happiness anymore.

No I don't, I just feel so sad for her. But she is no longer anything to do with me.

[Hawk Ridge]

I could have written this as well... .I too treated my pwBPDx with compassion and understanding during and after our r/s.  It was after she left me thar I recognized the way she met all BPD criteria.  When we first got together, she had the deepest blue eyes, caring and compassionate.  Within 4 - 5 months, the eyes went blank and her caring was minimal.   She left for 3 weeks, went on a work assignment with her ex, was disgusted by her and then the beautiful caring blue eyes came back... .for a time.  In the last months of the relationship, she took on the blunted affect and her eyes seemed empty, bereft of any emotion.  Was she looking for my replacement then? I suspect so.   She has been with my replacement for about 4 -5 months and has started to initiate contact with me (and I am still on the fence about wanting her back so please do not tell me to run - I will make that decision as time goes as I continue to work with my T on this).  Anyway, I saw a picture of her last week.  I was not a part of it but her replacement was.  My ex had the blank expression and empty eyes again.   Fascinating. 

[Caredverymuch]

How happy she looked in our old snaps as she mirrored my expression. How sad for her that she can't achieve that for real.

Yes, well said... ."as she mirrored your expression"

Having compassion is a good thing but not a good enough reason to go back to such a relationship. I admire your compassion but I can only hope you don't feel responsible for her happiness anymore.

No I don't, I just feel so sad for her. But she is no longer anything to do with me.

I can relate very much to your post Camuse. I have felt the same viewing photos of my ex. He looks just as yours now.  He looked so much softer, relaxed, and full in photos from our time together.  It is like two different ppl in comparison to then and now.

Yes, we are seeing in no doubt the mirroring of ourselves.  The love and warmth we were to them. And the ppl we continue to be.

Ironically, when I look at photos of myself in the many months since we've been NC and I no longer respond to any baitings.  I look much more relaxed. And happier.

Despite the traumatic experience and the journey of healing in detachment, the windows of my soul show the peace.

Great post. Really well stated.  Thank you. And I feel as you do.

[JRav59]

I found out from a mutual friend that my ex BPD has a new partner. She's blowing off friends (showing up an hour late to events), drinking heavily and smoking like a chimney (something she never did with me). I think she is mirroring her surroundings. It made me sad for her,but grateful she is no longer in my life.  I realize now I have a lot to offer someone and myself. The poison is showing with her and although I feel sad for her... .I'm mostly relieved.

[Dutched]

A few months ago I posted about the “happiness” exw expresses, now almost 4 yrs post break up.

Last time I had to speak her was early 2012 because of my Son. The last time also that I was able to read her eyes, which were dead, empty and somehow with sorrow.

Recently photos were published of a local event, a n event she volunteers already for many years with great enthusiasm and it gives her a great satisfaction. In the past always a joyful face, full of energy, etc. on the pictures, even on those accidental/action pictures

So after a 4 yrs. I felt strong enough to face whatever would pop up. Wow!

The accidental / action pictures (sitting with coffee / listening to others, etc) showed: 

= the eyes: dead, empty, even no sparkling in it, totally none!

= facial expression: a grim expression, up to hard, no joy to see!

On the ones posing as a group, although with a smile, the same dead look, no sparkling.

So I went further. The previous years of the event. No surprise in fact. Dead eyes, grim face, a make believe smile.

Now a big surprise. After 4 moves in these yrs. exw finally settled about a few weeks before the event. According to my S exw had it modernised, redecorated... So a joyful and satisfactory accomplishment ( I at least would think so).

The biggest surprise? Exw  has a friend, soother or whatsoever since earlier this year. Honeymoon period could be over, never the less, being helped by soother with a big project as a house, it normally strengthens a “bond”.

Such a “bond” and accomplishment would normally be shown in a permanent happy feeling, doesn’t it.

But reality seems that the decay (if that is the right expression) is much more that I could have ever thought of!

Profound maybe, she still wears the earrings I once gave her. As victory? As symbol for her crosses? Or as she is not fully emotionally detached? 

Whatever, exw persisted in het choice after her ultimate outburst. Despite it seems her new life has more to offer and her wellbeing is of more importance than the live long consequences for the kids

[freedom33]

I dared to do the same recently Camuse with a few of her instagram photos. There were either selfies of her with a dead and really sad and empty look or just a completely erratic, electrified, mental, bonkers out of the world fake smily craziness fuelled by chaotic internal turmoil. No middle ground, no balanced image of her to be found. I don't think she changed though. She was always like that. I am just out of the FOG and equiped with a crazy detector for life.

[Fluff]

Wow, I'm so envious of you! :D I pray for the day I'll see a photo like that. Mine looks more fairy tale than ever... .   Yesterday some modeling agency posted on her FB. If she goes into modelling I'll end myself.

[camuse]

Wow, I'm so envious of you! :D I pray for the day I'll see a photo like that. Mine looks more fairy tale than ever... .   Yesterday some modeling agency posted on her FB. If she goes into modelling I'll end myself.

Mine was a model once, now she's a total mess.

The picture didn't cheer me up, I just felt sad really. There's no good ending to all this - just have to let her go off and continue to waste her existence, while we try to forget and move on. No one wins.

[Deeno02]

Ive blocked mine on everything. I dont care to see how she is, or who shes doing it with. I dont care. Stop torturing yourselves with this. Please. I know its so hard, but stop. Its bad enough I will have to see her when VB season for my son comes up, but until then, I DONT CARE ABOUT ANYTHING THAT WITCH DOES WITH HER LIFE OR WITH THE REPLACEMENT.

[fromheeltoheal]

Those fantasy men and women we fall in love with, they really do not exist at all. And they really do deserve our compassion. I'm glad I treated mine well, despite everything she did to me. I hope she found a little happiness during that time.

Nice sentiment camuse, and you're sounding comfortable in your detachment.  I treated mine very well too and I know I put some happiness in her life for a while, and that feels good.

[Deeno02]

Camuse,

I hope I did make her happy for a bit before my "mistakes" made me black. Mostly for her 5 kids, 1 autistic whom I helped learn to tie his shoes and get him playing football. That will be my forever cherished moment from the relationship.