harbour
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 96
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« on: October 02, 2014, 10:28:13 AM » |
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This is beginning to be more than I can cope with. Am I reaching my limit?
After a terrible weekend with my partner (six months now) which culminated Sunday in his scary and hurting outrage number ?, I now feel absolutely powerless, totally confused and at the edge of losing the last straw of hope. It will be too complicated to describe what happened during the weekend. To make it short, he arrived Friday as usual, and I was glad to see him looking forward to spend the weekend with him. Soon I realized that he was in that strange mood, where he is distant and silent, looking worried and uneasy, mixed with a somehow tired expression. Two times he had an outburst coming out of the blue. Cursing me and accusing me of treating him unbearably bad. I keep silent during these outbursts, because his rage is sometimes close to be threatening. After his last outburst Sunday morning he went to bed and stayed there until he left five hours later in silent anger.
We often communicate with sms when we are apart. I didn't contact him. I didn't know what to say. I thought that the best thing I could do was to leave him alone and let him decide when he was ready and able to communicate with me. He did forward a lot of sms'es to me sent to others, among them to a female friend of his. Maybe he wanted a reaction from me. In some of these messages it seems that he is trying to make me jealous. I don't know, but I never respond to these indirect messages. Tuesday he sent me an sms with a caring message. In the evening I responded, saying that I was glad to read his beautiful message, and that I would very much like to talk with him. If he would like that too? Yes, he would. So we agreed to get together here today. Since then we have communicated several times on sms. Loving and caring words between us (As I see it), last night too. Today at noon I sent him a message, and he answered back that he was just about to call me because he was very worried if there was something wrong since I was silent and in a bad mood. What? I thought. What kind of world does he live in? How on earth did he get that idea? He knows that I am trying to finish a painting before I go to Athens to see some friends there for a week. Could it be that it provokes him or hurts him or makes him anxious because I don't focus on him only? Or could it really be that he became anxious or hurt because I hadn't sent him any message in the morning? I sent him a message telling him that when he is worried for me or for something concerning me or us, he should call me immediately and not postpone it. Cause that is what I do when I worry. That I am here, and ready to listen and talk with him. We had agreed that he should come at 7 pm. I asked him if he would like to come now, 3 hours before, and that I would like him to come. Go back to your painting, he said. You have to concentrate on finishing it. I am too anxious and discouraged to come now. I will go to bed and sleep, and come tomorrow morning. We are going to a birthday party in another town tomorrow afternoon. Sunday we have invited his sister and brother in law for dinner. And now I don't know what we are going to do or what is going to happen.
I just don't know what to do(?) I do mistakes like everybody else do mistakes. But it seems that no matter what I do, no matter how attentive I feel I am, when he is in that mood, I just can't do anything right. I love him. I see that he is suffering, and I feel sorry for him, and I feel hurt, and powerless, and disappointed, and anxious. And I am very, very tired. How do you manage out there? I have been in this relationship for six months. I see that many of you have been in a relationship or marriage with a BPD for many years. I don't think I could. And I don't know if I hope that I could.
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