BPD throwing away good people.

[Depression = 72% of members]

This post is about me tooting my own horn.  The most baffling thing to me about my pwBPD walking away is that she walked away from a damn fine human being.  I bled myself dry for that woman.

It takes a strange creature to walk away from a loyal, loving, calm and solid partner.  When I met my pwBPD she lost her job, fled her home and was in a custody battle for her son.  I took a chance on the dear love bombing siren.  I brought her into my home.  I drove thousands of miles to facilitate custody swaps for her son (4 hour round trip).  When friction between us and roomates became too much, I spent thousands to get me, her and her son a nice townhome to live in.  When she was without a job for a year I paid the rent and utilities on the house.  When she was finally able to get a job, I did half of the custody drives alone due to work schedules.  I raised her son as my own blood, buying his glasses and other nescesities when she could not.  When she chose to begin doing music events I risked life and limb getting electrical and other issues sorted so that her dream would unfold. In addition to all this, I was loving and patient.  She actually thanked me once for putting up with her crazy ass.

  In the end I was rewarded with two weeks of silent treatment and an anorexic hunger strike.  This was punctuated by me being told I was hated and dumped.  Then I got to witness 3 weeks of self destructive partying from her.  Finally she jumped in bed with the first guy that asked her out after one date.

I know that for BPD this is actually rather tame.  Regardless that woman threw out a damn fine human that sane women dream of meeting.

That was my rant.  Please feel free to share your trials here and let the world know that you too are a fine human being that worked wonders and got screwed in the end.

[ReluctantSurvivor]

This post is about me tooting my own horn.  The most baffling thing to me about my pwBPD walking away is that she walked away from a damn fine human being.  I bled myself dry for that woman.

It takes a strange creature to walk away from a loyal, loving, calm and solid partner.  When I met my pwBPD she lost her job, fled her home and was in a custody battle for her son.  I took a chance on the dear love bombing siren.  I brought her into my home.  I drove thousands of miles to facilitate custody swaps for her son (4 hour round trip).  When friction between us and roomates became too much, I spent thousands to get me, her and her son a nice townhome to live in.  When she was without a job for a year I paid the rent and utilities on the house.  When she was finally able to get a job, I did half of the custody drives alone due to work schedules.  I raised her son as my own blood, buying his glasses and other nescesities when she could not.  When she chose to begin doing music events I risked life and limb getting electrical and other issues sorted so that her dream would unfold. In addition to all this, I was loving and patient.  She actually thanked me once for putting up with her crazy ass.

  In the end I was rewarded with two weeks of silent treatment and an anorexic hunger strike.  This was punctuated by me being told I was hated and dumped.  Then I got to witness 3 weeks of self destructive partying from her.  Finally she jumped in bed with the first guy that asked her out after one date.

I know that for BPD this is actually rather tame.  Regardless that woman threw out a damn fine human that sane women dream of meeting.

That was my rant.  Please feel free to share your trials here and let the world know that you too are a fine human being that worked wonders and got screwed in the end.

[fromheeltoheal]

Wow, you really went all in with that gal!  I did similar with mine, and it didn't work out either, and I agree, their loss.  And I've also gotten honest about the fact she didn't have the ability to attach to another human on an emotional heart-to-heart level; I wondered for a while if she could and just didn't want to, but no, she just isn't capable.  So why did we stay when we knew that?  And what have we learned since?  Fertile field for growth there... .

[fred6]

You know my story RS, so I won't bore you with it again. But yes, they throw away everyone eventually. Maybe the guy before me was a great guy. Maybe my replacement is a great guy. Doesn't matter if everyone they get involved with are "good people". To them everyone is expendable in their futile attempt to fill up the black hole of their PD... .

[myself]

They also throw away themselves.

[hope2727]

It seems to me they throw away the "good" solid healthy people and surround themselves with serious losers. Has anyone else had this experience?

[drummerboy]

Totally! The people that they surround themselves with are no necessarily losers but they are certainly enablers. I think it's much easier for them to be around people that treat them like the little children that they are rather than around people that might actually cause them to reflect on their condition and expect them to behave like mature adults. My ex was the most emotionally immature person I've ever met, also the most self absorbed, just like a child is.

It seems to me they throw away the "good" solid healthy people and surround themselves with serious losers. Has anyone else had this experience?

[In Pain]

BRAVO !

Good for you.

[Deeno02]

Yes they do. Enablers for sure. My story is to long, but I got her through a divorce, a Death of a family member, 5 kids (1 Autistic who I loved as a son, I did all her kids), encouraging her on her new career after being a stay at home mom all those years, and issues between her eldest son and her ex. Ive been called a liar by her, told numerous times that if I didnt treat her special, I would lose her, made fun of for watching a little TV, Never cared about how my day was, never shown any real concern about anything I may or may not have wanted to do with her,never spent enough time with her, yada, yada, yada... .still, I had a ring and was prepared to marry her. What the heck was I thinking... .

[JRav59]

My ex was working an $8 dollar an hour job when I met her. She was an artist. She was constantly trying to find a place to stay. We were friends originally, then it grew. After three years I helped her get a six-figure salary job in Southeast Asia. We were steadily going to therapy at the time and I didn't realize it but she was using therapy as a way to gaslight me. When she finally got to your destination the BPD was in full swing. There was no talking to her. Promises were broken and I found myself alone having given everything up. There was little to no remorse from her. She now has a new replacement. This replacement is a complete moron and won't be able to do half the things I did for her. She knows deep down I was the best thing she ever had. Which is why she always wants me in her life. I told her no. We all deserve better.

[willtimeheal]

Totally! The people that they surround themselves with are no necessarily losers but they are certainly enablers. I think it's much easier for them to be around people that treat them like the little children that they are rather than around people that might actually cause them to reflect on their condition and expect them to behave like mature adults. My ex was the most emotionally immature person I've ever met, also the most self absorbed, just like a child is.

It seems to me they throw away the "good" solid healthy people and surround themselves with serious losers. Has anyone else had this experience?

So True. My ex BPD had to be around her family all the time. They are the most dysfunctional people... .drug addicts, enablers, bigots, alcoholics, cheaters, and liars. But she craved their companionship. She craved the chaos. That's all she knows.

Co workers would tell her all the time how good and lucky she was to have me. A kind caring loving healthy secure individual. A lot of good that did me... .She  left me for her crazy family.

[Turkish]

Many pwBPD search to attach to replace the caregivers who neglected them. By way of Transference, their rage internally is directed to those who are no longer around. Externally, we become the targets by proxy.

It sounds like you went the distance and beyond for her, RS. I often think that my "sin" was trying to fill that void of abandonment and neglect by taking care of my uBPDx.

[fred6]

Many pwBPD search to attach to replace the caregivers who neglected them. By way of Transference, their rage internally is directed to those who are no longer around. Externally, we become the targets by proxy.

I understand that part. But then what make some of them paint people white again and try to recycle? My uxBPD won't recycle but I've read that the majority of them do?

[Bak86]

It makes me sick. I have a feeling my ex was highly influenced by friends. She used to hang out with cheaters and drug users.

I'm a stable person and BPD's can't handle stability.

[fred6]

It makes me sick. I have a feeling my ex was highly influenced by friends. She used to hang out with cheaters and drug users.

I'm a stable person and BPD's can't handle stability.

Did yours ever clean up? Mine would wash clothes and just leave them in hampers and pile them on furniture. Clutter everywhere. If I cleaned up, it would be back messed up in less than 48 hrs. 

[Bak86]

It makes me sick. I have a feeling my ex was highly influenced by friends. She used to hang out with cheaters and drug users.

I'm a stable person and BPD's can't handle stability.

Did yours ever clean up? Mine would wash clothes and just leave them in hampers and pile them on furniture. Clutter everywhere. If I cleaned up, it would be back messed up in less than 48 hrs.  

Her house was messy by my standards, but i've seen much worse. Didn't really bother me that much.

She had a love/hate affair with cleaning though. Sometimes she would absolutely do nothing and hate every bit of it and sometimes she would do a cleaning marathon.

[fred6]

It makes me sick. I have a feeling my ex was highly influenced by friends. She used to hang out with cheaters and drug users.

I'm a stable person and BPD's can't handle stability.

Did yours ever clean up? Mine would wash clothes and just leave them in hampers and pile them on furniture. Clutter everywhere. If I cleaned up, it would be back messed up in less than 48 hrs. 

Her house was messy by my standards, but i've seen much worse. Didn't really bother me that much.

She had a love/hate affair with cleaning though. Sometimes she would absolutely do nothing and hate every bit of it and sometimes she would do a cleaning marathon.

Yeah, mine did the same. She would hardly ever clean up. But when she did, it was like an OCD circus or something, hahaha

[jo19854]

hi all,  i posted a topic today "How to deal with abandonment".

I am reading my own story here.

My wife left me after 11 years. I saved her life several times.

She left in febr this year after a chemo therapy for Hep C, its well known it has dangerous side effects and can create depression and reactivate old mental problems.

Anyway, i recognize so much. Hope you will read my (sorry long) experience.

BPD or not, my wife lost it and is either very sick or very hard.

Jos

[ReluctantSurvivor]

My BPDex was a neat freak in the idealization phase.  It slowly faded.  For the last year I did almost all the cleaning in the house.  It took her 3 months to notice I moved the dish detergent.  Near the end she would only bathe every two weeks or so.  She would get dolled up to go out on weekends but she lived in dirty pajama pants the rest of the time.

The second she found a new source (we share a lease) she cleaned up, got perfume and bought new skivvies.  So far when I see her now she is keeping her mustache shaved, something I would kindly remind her of 6 months into our r/s.

Sadly she still hasn't cleaned her stuff up here.  She packed a bug out bag and moved in with Jody.  She left her cat and large items.  She has been honest about paying her half of the lease so whatever.

[Bak86]

My BPDex was a neat freak in the idealization phase.  It slowly faded.  For the last year I did almost all the cleaning in the house.  It took her 3 months to notice I moved the dish detergent.  Near the end she would only bathe every two weeks or so.  She would get dolled up to go out on weekends but she lived in dirty pajama pants the rest of the time.

The second she found a new source (we share a lease) she cleaned up, got perfume and bought new skivvies.  So far when I see her now she is keeping her mustache shaved, something I would kindly remind her of 6 months into our r/s.

Sadly she still hasn't cleaned her stuff up here.  She packed a bug out bag and moved in with Jody.  She left her cat and large items.  She has been honest about paying her half of the lease so whatever.

Yeah my ex was pretty terrible when it came to personal hygiene. On normal weekdays she wouldn't bother putting on makeup, did not shave her legs at all, not shower etc. But on special occasions she would look amazing. Dunno if it's a BPD trait. Could just be laziness.

[JB8888]

my uBPDexgf goes through friends like i change my underwear which I found so odd but she split people from black to white often and played victim. She had two sets of friends - these good kids from high school and her "live-on-the-surface, hugely materialistic, coke snorting, jetset" crew. The good kids would be charmed up whenever the dark lot fell out with her or were away jetsetting... .and dismissed or left on the sidewalk when the dark ones were back in town.

I remember when I met these dark friends during our last recycle... .I felt super depressed or mad at myself the next day for having given them 3 hours of my life and breath.  I remember meeting one guy. He was fine, but there was something not right with him (I could tell from his stories etc) and said "babe, there's something not right with him. He's quite dark. How do you find or even want to give your time and energy to someone so clearly damaged and self-destructive?". She replied "I realise I'm very drawn to dark people. I relate to them because I know how they feel as I have darkness in me."

I didn't know about BPD but now what she said makes a lot of sense. It's almost as if dark characters made her feel less damaged or more normal... .Yikes - they freak me out so I left her to it.

Oh and for someone so beautiful and elegant, her bedroom looked like a cyclone hit it... .clothes everywhere, trip over her shoes so we stayed at mine most of the time (i'm tidy). But even at my place she would come over and then cyclone my kitchen without putting anything away. Quite disrespectful and I told her that. She just shrugged and watched her tv shows.

Amen no more of that.

[fred6]

My BPDex was a neat freak in the idealization phase.  It slowly faded.  For the last year I did almost all the cleaning in the house.  It took her 3 months to notice I moved the dish detergent.  Near the end she would only bathe every two weeks or so.  She would get dolled up to go out on weekends but she lived in dirty pajama pants the rest of the time.

The second she found a new source (we share a lease) she cleaned up, got perfume and bought new skivvies.  So far when I see her now she is keeping her mustache shaved, something I would kindly remind her of 6 months into our r/s.

Sadly she still hasn't cleaned her stuff up here.  She packed a bug out bag and moved in with Jody.  She left her cat and large items.  She has been honest about paying her half of the lease so whatever.

My ex's house was a wreck when I met her. I helped her clean it up over the next few months, but when I moved in she went OCD cleaning stuff up. It was all smoke and mirroring though. It didn't last long. I wound up doing most of the cleaning after a while. I hope to hell she misses all the cooking and cleaning that I did. But she probably never appreciated it in the first place.

Damn dude, not bathing for 2 weeks and mustache. That's rough. Who's Jody, is that her new supply? Do you plan on putting her out anytime soon? Probably be best for your recovery.

[fred6]

My BPDex was a neat freak in the idealization phase.  It slowly faded.  For the last year I did almost all the cleaning in the house.  It took her 3 months to notice I moved the dish detergent.  Near the end she would only bathe every two weeks or so.  She would get dolled up to go out on weekends but she lived in dirty pajama pants the rest of the time.

The second she found a new source (we share a lease) she cleaned up, got perfume and bought new skivvies.  So far when I see her now she is keeping her mustache shaved, something I would kindly remind her of 6 months into our r/s.

Sadly she still hasn't cleaned her stuff up here.  She packed a bug out bag and moved in with Jody.  She left her cat and large items.  She has been honest about paying her half of the lease so whatever.

Yeah my ex was pretty terrible when it came to personal hygiene. On normal weekdays she wouldn't bother putting on makeup, did not shave her legs at all, not shower etc. But on special occasions she would look amazing. Dunno if it's a BPD trait. Could just be laziness.

Mine wasn't bad with personal hygiene. But everything else was a wreck. I think that most of these people are lazy or have Fuk-it attitude. My ex definitely doesn't live like a responsible adult with children...

[hope2727]

Mine cleaned sometimes but mostly complained that I didn't keep things clean enough. His life was a mess though. He had very negative friends, a huge financial mess, no equity and seemed to think I would just hand him all the equity I had built over a life time.

[BlackandBlue]

My exBPDgf was a complete slob!  When she first moved in she said she would cook and clean for me because she couldn't give me much toward rent. Well,  she never gave me any money toward rent and rarely cooked or cleaned. I would clean up and the place would be trashed again in no time. If she did clean at all she would expect me to tell her what a great job she did and I was proud of her.

[ReluctantSurvivor]

My BPDex was a neat freak in the idealization phase.  It slowly faded.  For the last year I did almost all the cleaning in the house.  It took her 3 months to notice I moved the dish detergent.  Near the end she would only bathe every two weeks or so.  She would get dolled up to go out on weekends but she lived in dirty pajama pants the rest of the time.

The second she found a new source (we share a lease) she cleaned up, got perfume and bought new skivvies.  So far when I see her now she is keeping her mustache shaved, something I would kindly remind her of 6 months into our r/s.

Sadly she still hasn't cleaned her stuff up here.  She packed a bug out bag and moved in with Jody.  She left her cat and large items.  She has been honest about paying her half of the lease so whatever.

My ex's house was a wreck when I met her. I helped her clean it up over the next few months, but when I moved in she went OCD cleaning stuff up. It was all smoke and mirroring though. It didn't last long. I wound up doing most of the cleaning after a while. I hope to hell she misses all the cooking and cleaning that I did. But she probably never appreciated it in the first place.

Damn dude, not bathing for 2 weeks and mustache. That's rough. Who's Jody, is that her new supply? Do you plan on putting her out anytime soon? Probably be best for your recovery.

"Jody" is just slang for a guy a woman is seeing on the side so its just a spiteful joke.  Our lease ends in January, the cost of living here sucks so we both have to save to get a new place.  I wrote the poor hygeine off as greif over losing custody of her son.  It may very well have been.  She was apathetic about anything except planning her music events.  It was likely deep depression.  I try not to analyze it too much, it just gets my mind tangled up again.

[nevertheless]

Wow this could be my story. He use to call me his princess and tell me God loves him do much that's why we are together. I met him on line living in a messy dirty apt. Delivery pizza. He even has only supervised visit with his 12 and 15 children. So I help him get a great job in IT he moves from Portland to Cali I fly to help him when I got there he hadn't even pack one box after packing and filling the uhaul we were off to California I have cooked cleaned washed his clothes encouraged listened and over looked all his strange things he does like eat spoiled food go on fasts only to over eat. Watch him not sleep for days then work hours of overtime and sleep on the floor at work. I have been raged at only to forgive him I have defened him when he get upset over nothing. I too am a nice caring person. He would even say that I am the best thing in his life. But one wrong or perceive word then I am the gated person in the world. I helped his parents got close with his children. Spend hours consoling his fears real and mostly not real. But it's never enough. I have had him break up with me I have lost count. Now I am so done with his mind games of put fiend and all his happiness depends on me. Thus relationship has made me bitter and so sad that I wasted so much engery and time I could have spent with people that really care for me. There were so many red flags I sould have opened my eyes and listen to that part of me that would say get as far as you can from this crazy unstable man . I really do think that their insecurity and many stories of being done wrong by done women I didn't what to be another woman being unkind to him but instead he too advantage of my kindness and truly caring of him. I pray that their is someone else out there that can appeaceat what j have to give. He really did pass up the one person that did love him unconditional that still want good enough. It us do true that they belive they don't deserve a good person. Sad sad Stephen

[ScotisGone74]

Lol.    Not to hijack but since many are bringing up messiness and cleaning... .something I remembered just in regards to my exBPD, she had a small two bedroom apartment but it was nice.   She kept her small little miniature dog locked in her bathroom closet when she went somewhere because she didn't want him tearing up her new furniture in the other room.   When we d come back in there would be dog $hit all over the bathroom floor, it was disgusting , but she would rarely clean it up.    She would pile plates and old food about her bedroom and I'd clean it up for her sometimes.  When her mom came over she was complaining to her that she just had too much , that she was going to have to hire someone to clean her apartment, a 25 yo with no kids no handicaps perfectly healthy works a less than 40 hours a week usually.   Now she has a kid and I honestly don't want to begin to think about how much that is going to cause her to flip out. 

[willtimeheal]

They also throw away themselves.

How true this is.  My ex BPD was arrested the other day for drinking and driving. This is not her first one so she is screwed. What a waste of a life. Here is this brilliant gorgeous woman and she is nothing more  than a drunk. And then I found out she has been seeing someone else behind my back for the last month and a half we have been together. What a wasted life.

[ajr5679]

my ex when she first moved in to my place she went and change everything even painted the wall. I figured that she wanted the place to be her own so I was fine with it. but she would tell me that I did not care that she put so much work into my place. if I tried to do dish she would complain that I was not doing them wright. I never put the food away wright. I never did laundry wright. but she was clean. so I guess I was lucky there.