Caring or Control

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Many of our stories are the same, many of us were controlled by our exBPD in some manner. I was, I think,... .often insidious ways... like "worrying" about you.

For the entirety of my relationship I consciously thought of her controlling behavior as her "caring" so much.

One example... If I was busy in a meeting, and would get out to 4 or 5 texts messages wondering what I was doing. I thought, "she misses me so much" and "worries about me".

One of the last things I was bought was a battery extender for my phone, just so I don't run out. (I had run out and she was unable to get a hold of me a few times)

In retrospect, lots of the things she did "for me", seems to really have been "for her". Any gifts I got from her, were things she wanted me to wear, or do or have. Not things i enjoyed, ever.

I am told by my T and close friends that this (and a long list of other things) was all about her, all about control, but I've spent the last 16 months thinking it was because she cared. It's hard to unmask it mentally.

And I miss it. Sometimes the saddest I get is when I get out of a long meeting to find 0 text messages instead of 5. I miss having someone who "cared" about me so much. Accepting it was just a manifestation of control and fear of abandonment makes it easier, but it's so damn hard to accept. Certainly the way she dropped me like a dead weight, and went from texts every hour to nada over night, would seem to indicate it was always more about control. I'm not sure you can stop "Caring" about someone with the flick of a switch.

Anyone else snuggling with this? Missing this giant force of neediness in your life? Confused as to how it went away so quickly, or what was driving it?

[tim_tom]

Many of our stories are the same, many of us were controlled by our exBPD in some manner. I was, I think,... .often insidious ways... like "worrying" about you.

For the entirety of my relationship I consciously thought of her controlling behavior as her "caring" so much.

One example... If I was busy in a meeting, and would get out to 4 or 5 texts messages wondering what I was doing. I thought, "she misses me so much" and "worries about me".

One of the last things I was bought was a battery extender for my phone, just so I don't run out. (I had run out and she was unable to get a hold of me a few times)

In retrospect, lots of the things she did "for me", seems to really have been "for her". Any gifts I got from her, were things she wanted me to wear, or do or have. Not things i enjoyed, ever.

I am told by my T and close friends that this (and a long list of other things) was all about her, all about control, but I've spent the last 16 months thinking it was because she cared. It's hard to unmask it mentally.

And I miss it. Sometimes the saddest I get is when I get out of a long meeting to find 0 text messages instead of 5. I miss having someone who "cared" about me so much. Accepting it was just a manifestation of control and fear of abandonment makes it easier, but it's so damn hard to accept. Certainly the way she dropped me like a dead weight, and went from texts every hour to nada over night, would seem to indicate it was always more about control. I'm not sure you can stop "Caring" about someone with the flick of a switch.

Anyone else snuggling with this? Missing this giant force of neediness in your life? Confused as to how it went away so quickly, or what was driving it?

[Deeno02]

Yes. Especially the gifts. All expensive and stuff I never would have bought, even though they are nice. The smothering was bad, as she was unemployed when we got together. But after all the "you never treat me special or you will lose me" stuff, I was a little put off and after so much, I would shut down. Got to the point I would dread getting a text because I never new if it was going to be a good one or a bad one. Im scared of being alone at 50. But I know that a life with her wouldnt have been possible. I got replaced day after she dumped me and so far we have been broken up about 4 weeks, we have been NC for 8 days as I finally gave up trying to win her back. Another fear is recontact at some point. Hoping to avaoid it... .

[Loveofhislife]

Tim Tom---ditto and ditto; all of the above. The way my exbfBPD was "caring" was by "helping." I believe this had been his pattern before. Even in my 25+ year marriage to a man with narcissistic traits, he would say, "You don't seem like the kind of woman who needs help." So, yes; I think this is how exbfBPD BELIEVED he was controlling me. When he would get angry and threaten to leave, he would say, "Fine--get someone else to help you with your house." This always was strange to me, because he knows I have lots of friends and kids who "help" me with my house. So, it was like he was using a model that had worked on someone else or elses. Minutes before he went ST and abandoned me with no explanation, he came into my home where my two younger/adult kids were and started angrily fixing a loose stair node. It was weird and it was loud (like attention getting). My kids and I just smiled at each other, as I continued to offer him something to drink, etc. --but no, he just kept obsessively hammering that stair node. I had come to think of his "help" as a way to decrease his guilt--or justify his planning to abandon me and not pay me back (especially after he paid off his car loan with my credit card). Now you have me thinking that all of his "help" was really about control.

[Loveofhislife]

And the dittos, Tim Tom, are going from 24-7 texting to nada. The neediness that was driving me crazy just stopped like, "... .the day the music died." And it has felt like a death. I too had to get my phone encased in a back up charger, because it was the end of the world if/when my phone died. So, "texting" on this site has helped me "detox" and occasionally (don't laugh), I text myself--trying to remember nice things he would text to me. I don't know how a solid year of non-stop communication goes to nothing in a matter of minutes. During his abandoned child state, I honestly believe he would have attempted suicide if I had done to him what he has done to me.

[tim_tom]

It's truly maddenning... that you got the extra battery pack thing too... I remember thinking how nice of her to think of me when out, but in reality is was just to prevent my ever running out of batteries again...

to be honest, there were several times that I told her my battery was dying just so she would leave me alone for 5 minutes

[Loveofhislife]

One other quick thought that might be telling... .he would say, "when you get _____, you won't NEED me anymore." That blank could be filled in by many things:  if I qualified for the house I wanted or landed the job I wanted or (really weird) he said I wouldn't NEED him anymore if/when he paid me back? So, somehow, they believe in exchange for their "caring" or " helping"--they are making us NEED them like they know they NEED us. My best girlfriend believes it's all about NEED for exbfBPD--he landed his dream job with a big salary, and he no longer NEEDS me.

[Pingo]

I'm not sure you can stop "Caring" about someone with the flick of a switch.

This is true isn't it?  Which is what helped me accept that it was more about him fulfilling his needs than 'love'. 

Mine tried to control and possess me completely and by the end I felt so smothered I couldn't stand it!  I knew we could never have a healthy r/s.  Mine stalked me at least once that I caught him.  I had been at my friend's for the evening and when I left I just had a feeling he was somewhere watching me.  I looked around but didn't see him so got in my car and started heading home and met him at a traffic light!  It was no where near where he would just have happened to be.  When I got home I called him on it and he said that he was "just worried about me because it had been foggy and was coming to check on me"!  This was the incident that lead to me asking him to move out.  He then went on to tell anyone who would listen how he had been just 'caring' about me that night and tried to convince everyone that I had been completely unreasonable.  Unfortunately we recycled a couple months later and now have been split again for 3 months (and no going back this time!)

[Deeno02]

I wish we could stop caring as quick as they did/do. Still cant get over that part. Dumped one day, the next she's with another... .

[merlin4926]

I too miss the constant texts but it was control not caring. If something more exciting for him was going on he wouldn't text to see how if I got home ok but if I was out and he was alone the texts would be constant. I even miss the feeling in the pit of my stomach when I heard my phone go off - would it be nice or nasty?

[Loveofhislife]

I too miss the constant texts but it was control not caring. If something more exciting for him was going on he wouldn't text to see how if I got home ok but if I was out and he was alone the texts would be constant. I even miss the feeling in the pit of my stomach when I heard my phone go off - would it be nice or nasty?

And herein is the adrenalin addiction or as Freedom33 writes about the intermittent reward amidst punishment. What will the Magic 8 Ball say? Dare I look? Whew--he's ok or WOW! He's ranting on about my boss again! It never was boring. I fear I'm missing the excitement as much as I miss him :-(

[Duped11years]

I used to have dreams, or nightmares I guess, of not being able to find my phone to text her. Probably in response to the hundreds of times I didnt reply in a time frame that suited her only and I would get her wrath... .accusing me of whatever horrible things she could come up with at the time. Sad, in hindsight, how she controlled me to the point I dreamt about it.

[Deeno02]

I know. It got to the point I'd cringe at her text tone.