Perspective in hindsight...

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

My exBPD bf... .left his exHPDgf for me... .but ... .likely... .didn't know how to handle a healthy, loving relationship with me as a Non (too difficult to mirror a healthy personality)... .split me... .painted me black... .discarded me and probably said whatever he had to say to the HPD ... .about me... .true or not... .in order to make that recycle happen.   But in hindsight... .he doesnt't ever have a relationship with anyone... .it is the SO that has the relationship... .the SO is the KEEPER of that FANTASY... .For the BPD or the HPD... .the rest is all SMOKE and MIRRORS.   And though they have become adept at maintaining a facade... .as all PDs are GREAT PRETENDERS... .there truly is NO RELATIONSHIP... .And now... .with hindsight... .I remember ... .that is exactly what I saw when I met him... .someone who was obviously emotionally detached from the person he was "going through the motions " with... .that is why I believed him when he said that relationship was over... .because it was... .for him... .at that time.   So... .I have some peace of mind knowing ... .that if that co-dependence can maintain itself ... .even for a length of time... .it remains the same... .it is what it is... .but it is NOT a healthy, loving, reciprocal relationship.   He had an opportunity for that... .with me... .but couldn't handle it... .because he couldn't MIRROR a healthy person... .couldn't CONTROL a healthy person... .And THAT is why he left me... .and RECYCLED her... .Does anyone see something similar to this in their BPD?   

[Harlygirl]

My exBPD bf... .left his exHPDgf for me... .but ... .likely... .didn't know how to handle a healthy, loving relationship with me as a Non (too difficult to mirror a healthy personality)... .split me... .painted me black... .discarded me and probably said whatever he had to say to the HPD ... .about me... .true or not... .in order to make that recycle happen.   But in hindsight... .he doesnt't ever have a relationship with anyone... .it is the SO that has the relationship... .the SO is the KEEPER of that FANTASY... .For the BPD or the HPD... .the rest is all SMOKE and MIRRORS.   And though they have become adept at maintaining a facade... .as all PDs are GREAT PRETENDERS... .there truly is NO RELATIONSHIP... .And now... .with hindsight... .I remember ... .that is exactly what I saw when I met him... .someone who was obviously emotionally detached from the person he was "going through the motions " with... .that is why I believed him when he said that relationship was over... .because it was... .for him... .at that time.   So... .I have some peace of mind knowing ... .that if that co-dependence can maintain itself ... .even for a length of time... .it remains the same... .it is what it is... .but it is NOT a healthy, loving, reciprocal relationship.   He had an opportunity for that... .with me... .but couldn't handle it... .because he couldn't MIRROR a healthy person... .couldn't CONTROL a healthy person... .And THAT is why he left me... .and RECYCLED her... .Does anyone see something similar to this in their BPD?   

[Mutt]

Hi Harlygirl,

I really like how you articulated the SO is the keeper of that fantasy. I agree that your SO couldn't mirror. What's the backstory on what triggered him to leave you and recycled an ex?

From my experience, my ex has an identity disturbance, unstable sense of self. In the idealization phase there's a sort of identification and projection for both people. I felt angry, depressed and frustrated in the devaluation phase and I became a trigger for her.

The control that she lost was when I set my first boundary with her. Her more dominant traits are Queen / Witch and less dominant traits Waif, Hermit.

I think that members all have different experiences because their SO display different traits and different circumstances as to what triggered their SO.

[Blimblam]

I remember durring the rs when it came time for my ex to mirror grown up stuff she would dysregulate. Play the victim. I would get frustrated.  Then she identified me as the punitive parent and we went down the path of devaluation. 

[Aussie JJ]

I'll chip in here with a small bit of information I have learnt. 

Essentially, pwBPD are after the Cinderella story, everything perfect, no stress no disagreement.  Now if you have a relationship at arms length, ie: 2 nights a week, 3 nights a week, once every fortnight catch up for some casual intimacy.  That is controllable, no emotions, just gratification. 

I went out with mine for 13 months before moving in together with her, 10 years of knowing her as a friend up until then.  I was her FIRST relationship where she lived with someone other than her parents.  What happened when she was living with me and I wasn't enabling those unhealthy behaviours.  The Cinderella story fell apart.  With multiple PD's in a relationship both those fantasy's are met with all the perfection and the devaluing is mutual.  They can live together in this dynamic and they don't have that sense of self to say "something isn't sitting correct here"  Both will mirror and not have trouble with the ups and downs.  It is a natural ebb and flow for them. 

With someone with a developed sense of self, a personality of their own.  We stand up for our values, even with weak boundary's we keep doing our 'healthy' behavioural patterns, we try and work through the problems, address them, overcome them.  This is the opposite to explode and get over it all happy again.  Trying to work through this pain is the part that causes this engulfment process with a pwBPW maybe abandonment? as a boundary is put in place or they cant challenge something that we know is true and they feel isn't true.  They cant break down that real person that they are in a relationship with and that causes them great pain, great anxiety, they act out by moving on to the next relationship that doesn't involve this pain or devaluation, projecting their own fears onto you. 

Quite sad.  To have a real relationship and work through issues and be mature causes a rupture in the Cinderella story and boom.  Time to re-start the fantasy process. 

I haven't worded this correctly above but an example below, I have an e-mail from my exBPDgf from 6 or 7 months in where she had a sad episode.  I told her, ":)on't worry, we will work through tough times and we will be ok, as long as your not sad today its ok, we will overcome these small problems."  Normal response, supportive etc.  Her reply was "Why should we ever have any problems, we wont have anything go wrong we will be awesome."

That reply is WORD for WORD what she wrote back, I was her Cinderella story. 

[drummerboy]

Great posts. Yes, we were co-stars in their fantasy. It all goes well until they find out we are not Mr Perfect and that we in fact are real people with flaws like everyone else, that's when the game is up for them. My ex has been running away from her serious mental health issues for years (diagnosed severe depression and General Anxiety Disorder) She's went off meds before I met her and thinks she'll find the cure with a homeopath!

They have to create fantasy worlds to live in because their real world scares the crap out of them. Well for me, the nightmare is over now.

[fred6]

Great posts. Yes, we were co-stars in their fantasy. It all goes well until they find out we are not Mr Perfect and that we in fact are real people with flaws like everyone else, that's when the game is up for them. My ex has been running away from her serious mental health issues for years (diagnosed severe depression and General Anxiety Disorder) She's went off meds before I met her and thinks she'll find the cure with a homeopath!

They have to create fantasy worlds to live in because their real world scares the crap out of them. Well for me, the nightmare is over now.

In my case, her going off Zoloft cold turkey was the downward spiral of the relationship. It only took a couple months and she was a totally different person. I have read that BPD can't be controlled with medication. However, from other things that I have read. If someone is comorbid with BPD, depression, and anxiety. That the depression meds can keep them somewhat from going over the edge with their BPD. My uxBPD still had red flags and episodes while taking Zoloft, but she was somewhat manageable. Once she quit her meds though, it was a night and day difference in her attitude towards our relationship. It makes me wonder the different scenarios of what will happen with replacement if she starts taking the Zoloft again vs her staying off of it.