Did anyone else cheat?

[JRav59]

I know a lot of us are sad about what happened with our exes. Unfortunately I don't think I ever fully trusted my BPD partner. She had a long history of infidelity . She had a long history of alcohol abuse as well as love and sex addictions. She also had a long history of self mutilation. I think in my gut I always knew it wasn't going to last. Unfortunately I was no saint. During the last year, I sensed badness. I cheated on her a few times. Has anyone else done this to their ex BPD partner? has anyone else realized that this person brought the worst out in them? I was not a liar before I met her. I had never cheated. I always believed communication with key. I was so exhausted and over the constant stress and anxiety that I did something I thought I would never do. Curious if anyone else has done  things out of the character with their ex?

[Harlygirl]

I didn't cheat... .but I did consider putting myself in a bad place with a stranger... .felt highly motivated to use someone the way I felt I had been used... .to hurt my ex... .to channel my intense feelings ... .to engage just for the thrill... .just for the sex.  All the WRONG reasons FOR ME ( no judgement here)... .But I also knew... .although seemingly impossible,   considering the level of emotional pain I was experiencing at the time, that I would only be inflicting more pain... .so... .I didn't

[Infern0]

I didn't cheat but I did sleep with someone else after she friendzone me which in her mind was cheating and I got the full blown BPD rage mode that I never cared about her and she hated me.

Bear in mind this was after she had got with some other dude and asked me to sit down quietly in the friend zone.

Madness

[Blimblam]

I didn't cheat but I did sleep with someone else after she friendzone me which in her mind was cheating and I got the full blown BPD rage mode that I never cared about her and she hated me.

Bear in mind this was after she had got with some other dude and asked me to sit down quietly in the friend zone.

Madness

Inferno

I actually believed this played into the drama she craves and is why she is chasing you so hard now. 

[Infern0]

I didn't cheat but I did sleep with someone else after she friendzone me which in her mind was cheating and I got the full blown BPD rage mode that I never cared about her and she hated me.

Bear in mind this was after she had got with some other dude and asked me to sit down quietly in the friend zone.

Madness

Inferno

I actually believed this played into the drama she craves and is why she is chasing you so hard now. 

Probably.

You know what though I know people on here won't agree with what I'm doing in letting her chase but it is what it is.  I've made my decisions,  I know what I'm dealing with now. I honestly couldn't care less about her problems and dramas,  I'm tired of being a doormat I've done it my whole life.

My waif is now just an option in my mind,  if I end up back with her then whatever.  If I don't,  I don't care I have other options.

Like I say it is what it is,  I see her for exactly what she's all about but if I can listen to a sob story and then get laid,  fair enough.

[Blimblam]

I didn't cheat but I did sleep with someone else after she friendzone me which in her mind was cheating and I got the full blown BPD rage mode that I never cared about her and she hated me.

Bear in mind this was after she had got with some other dude and asked me to sit down quietly in the friend zone.

Madness

Inferno

I actually believed this played into the drama she craves and is why she is chasing you so hard now. 

Probably.

You know what though I know people on here won't agree with what I'm doing in letting her chase but it is what it is.  I've made my decisions,  I know what I'm dealing with now. I honestly couldn't care less about her problems and dramas,  I'm tired of being a doormat I've done it my whole life.

My waif is now just an option in my mind,  if I end up back with her then whatever.  If I don't,  I don't care I have other options.

Like I say it is what it is,  I see her for exactly what she's all about but if I can listen to a sob story and then get laid,  fair enough.

Well you are on the detaching board.

You know their will be a price to pay though right?

[Infern0]

Oh of course.  It's only a matter of time before she goes into one again.

I honestly don't care though,  she can't do any worse than what she has already done. I'm no longer head over heels in love with this "perfect girl" I know what she is,  a ticking time bomb.  I'll just make sure I've covered my ass and that I'm well out of range when it goes off.

She left me for bilbo baggins,  therefore she's not my responsibility anymore,  she's ruining his life now,  not mine. But I'll keep her around so long as she's civil and it suits ME.  As soon as that breaks I'll just vanish again.

Every interaction I have with her now is tactical. It's planned our and it's strategic. There's no blind love anymore.  Gone.

[myself]

"You're already damaged so it doesn't matter if I add to it" sounds familiar.

[Bak86]

I didn't cheat but I did sleep with someone else after she friendzone me which in her mind was cheating and I got the full blown BPD rage mode that I never cared about her and she hated me.

Bear in mind this was after she had got with some other dude and asked me to sit down quietly in the friend zone.

Madness

This sounds familiar! When she broke up with me, she still wanted to be friends. We met up for the first time, she told me she was back with her ex(which isn't true, she's still alone), and when i told her i had sex with a girl, she behaved really weird. At first she gave me a high five, then she said: "that's so not you... .you're lying to me". Then a couple of hours laters, a full blown rage over whatsapp.  

Oh and to answer the question, did i cheat? No i didn't. Never would either. A girl tried to kiss me during our relationship, someone i know for a very long time. But i rejected her.

[Artisan]

No. Never.

Cheating is something horrible to do to somebody else.

The wounds it would inflict on myself to cheat, not repairable. More damage to me than to anybody else.

It is one of the most sacred boundaries that I keep.

[JRav59]

No. Never.

Cheating is something horrible to do to somebody else.

The wounds it would inflict on myself to cheat, not repairable. More damage to me than to anybody else.

It is one of the most sacred boundaries that I keep.

It was never something I thought I would ever do. I have been cheated on before. It sucks. This was like no other relationship I had been in. I got taken to a very dark place. I am just wondering if anyone else had this happen. I believe it's what woke me up and made me realize I needed to get out and work on repairing myself.

Sorry if I have upset people with this thread. Toxic relationships can make us do things out of the ordinary.

[Artisan]

I am not upset, and doubt anybody else is.

If anything, deep compassion arises in me for you.

That dark space is excruciating, and we all cope and relate to it in the ways we can.

Please know, I am not judging you for your choices.

The ways I coped with that shadow leaves me wanting more for myself. I was drunk for about 4 months solid. And high as much as possible.

[fred6]

No. Never.

Cheating is something horrible to do to somebody else.

The wounds it would inflict on myself to cheat, not repairable. More damage to me than to anybody else.

It is one of the most sacred boundaries that I keep.

I agree. After how this all played out and how bad it hurt me. I would never cheat on anyone.

However, in an ironic twist. Me and my ex had several talks about fidelity and cheating. I told her that, "I had been cheated on before and if she ever thought that she might cheat on me, to just end our relationship and wait until I'm gone, then go do whatever you want".

Her reply every time was that. "I hate cheaters. Once a cheater, always a cheater" and "I've been cheated on several times before, and I know how it feels. I would NEVER cheat on anyone". How can someone straight up lie to your face like that? Sounds like what I now say about me not cheating. I mean What the heck? Did she turn me into herself?

[Artisan]

Despair is rough to work with.

And once we have somebody beating on us emotionally, spiritually and sometimes physically ... .any love or attention is embraced pronto.

[JRav59]

In all honesty, I didn't cheat to get back at her. I didn't cheat to hurt her. I cheated because I needed to get rid of the empty feeling. I needed to be reminded that this was not the end for me. That I could have someone who wouldn't attack, throw things and gas light to get their way. I needed to feel wanted, appreciated if only for a moment. That I deserved better. When I realized this, I ended both relationships quickly and have remained alone for the last 5 months to work on myself through therapy.

[Mutt]

In all honesty, I didn't cheat to get back at her. I didn't cheat to hurt her. I cheated because I needed to get rid of the empty feeling. I needed to be reminded that this was not the end for me. That I could have someone who wouldn't attack, throw things and gas light to get their way. I needed to feel wanted, appreciated if only for a moment. That I deserved better. When I realized this, I ended both relationships quickly and have remained alone for the last 5 months to work on myself through therapy.

We're all human and have needs. I have read this exact same thing. Sometimes people feel like they are alone in the r/s, their needs are not being met and they feel like they are neglected. I like how you described it, you felt empty. I felt like a shell of my former self - empty, depressed and emotionally exhausted.

I felt more alone in the relationship than being by myself. It was a constant barrage of criticisms, blaming, denigration and it hurt deeply. I felt like we had become roommates in the r/s. It was sad and a terrible place to be.

I think that the common denominator is that we all have pain and suffering from a toxic relationship. Only people that were behind those closed doors understand right? I also think that it is less significant if a partner cheats or not.

We're all here for the same reasons. Tremendous pain from a difficult relationship with the mentally ill.

[Blimblam]

In all honesty, I didn't cheat to get back at her. I didn't cheat to hurt her. I cheated because I needed to get rid of the empty feeling. I needed to be reminded that this was not the end for me. That I could have someone who wouldn't attack, throw things and gas light to get their way. I needed to feel wanted, appreciated if only for a moment. That I deserved better. When I realized this, I ended both relationships quickly and have remained alone for the last 5 months to work on myself through therapy.

As much as I say no I  wouldn't cheat.

If I was a girl it might be different. As a man when we cheat we have to dish it out which crosses another internal boundary than if all we had to do was lay back and take it.

Also it tends to be a lot easier for a woman to cheat in general.

[ReluctantSurvivor]

No, I never strayed even when my pwBPD shunned intimacy for 8 months.  I sure as hell thought about it but I have had a partner cheat on me and that is a hurt I do not want to put on anyone.

[Loveofhislife]

JRav: Thanks for posing this salient question. I was slammed with being a cheater early on in the r/s, but I never did. Daily, nightly--exbfBPD was FIXATED on my cheating.  I was called a cheater so many times; I almost started believing it myself: a lot like brainwashing.  :)uring my first intimate encounter with exbfBPD, I said something that he thought was SO SEXY that he was convinced I was a "player." He claimed not to have had sex with his wife of 17 years for many years due to her addiction to meds for anxiety and depression. I believed him. I had a lot of opportunities--before exbfBPD and I were "committed"--I had two "dates" that had been lined up before I met ExbfBPD. I showed up for the dinner part of the dates with both gentlemen who were confounded that they got no more than a "sisterly" kiss goodnight. Even though exbfBPD and I had not "consumated" our own relationship, I COULD NOT BE WITH ANYONE ELSE. The trauma bond took hold very early. I called my best girlfriend and said, "I must be in love." My explanation was I didn't want to be with anyone else--not even dinner. Now this was particularly odd, because I had learned exbfBPD was living in a half way house after serving a federal prison sentence. HELLO?  The second date, with my best friend from high school and who is my executor, was interrupted with non stop phone calls and texts from exbfBPD--even when I told him I could not talk. Long story short--I left our meeting/date early and very apologetically. I was already smitten with this utterly out of control man. It made no sense at all. For the next 11 months, I was CONSTANTLY reminded of the one night I could not talk with him for a few hours. Also, he insisted I was cheating with my ex husband and my business partner and ANY male who spoke to me kindly. It never was because I'm interesting, successful, and pretty fun. He had me believing that I was THE femme fatale. In the meantime, every other nice looking woman who was outgoing was "a ___." Unlike many of you, despite his fixation with sexuality, it didn't translate to the bedroom, which always seemed perfunctory. So, in the midst of breakups, I went out for drinks twice with an important business colleague. ExbfBPD was livid! My last outing--NONE OF WHICH RESULTED IN MORE THAN A KISS--were met with, "HOW WAS YOUR DATE?" Somehow, he continues to stalk me--BUT HE IS THE ONE WHO WENT GHOST WITH NO ONE EXPLANATION! Now, I have someone interested in me, and I don't even know if I'm broken up. Am I cheating if he abandoned me on August 1 and stays in ST?

[Infern0]

I didn't cheat but I did sleep with someone else after she friendzone me which in her mind was cheating and I got the full blown BPD rage mode that I never cared about her and she hated me.

Bear in mind this was after she had got with some other dude and asked me to sit down quietly in the friend zone.

Madness

This sounds familiar! When she broke up with me, she still wanted to be friends. We met up for the first time, she told me she was back with her ex(which isn't true, she's still alone), and when i told her i had sex with a girl, she behaved really weird. At first she gave me a high five, then she said: "that's so not you... .you're lying to me". Then a couple of hours laters, a full blown rage over whatsapp.  

Oh and to answer the question, did i cheat? No i didn't. Never would either. A girl tried to kiss me during our relationship, someone i know for a very long time. But i rejected her.

Yeah kinda the same here.  She actually laughed at first and was like woah,  it didn't seem to effect her. Couple hours later. ... RAGE.  

I think what she didn't like was that the girl I slept with was "better" than her. I mean in the court of public opinion anyway. But she was more of a friend that I got drunk with and in my weakened state I just needed the release.  But of course BPD accused me of everything under the sun while she's off spreading em for bilbo baggins!

[JRav59]

In all honesty, I didn't cheat to get back at her. I didn't cheat to hurt her. I cheated because I needed to get rid of the empty feeling. I needed to be reminded that this was not the end for me. That I could have someone who wouldn't attack, throw things and gas light to get their way. I needed to feel wanted, appreciated if only for a moment. That I deserved better. When I realized this, I ended both relationships quickly and have remained alone for the last 5 months to work on myself through therapy.

As much as I say no I  wouldn't cheat.

If I was a girl it might be different. As a man when we cheat we have to dish it out which crosses another internal boundary than if all we had to do was lay back and take it.

Also it tends to be a lot easier for a woman to cheat in general.

Actually it is NOT easier for a woman. We don't just lay there. Not to be too graphic, but taking someone into your body is not a tiny action. I was so hurt and angry, I just knew it wasn't right. Some people use booze to cope. I had sex unfortunately.  It was a mistake, but to say it may be easier for women is simply not true.

[Blimblam]

In all honesty, I didn't cheat to get back at her. I didn't cheat to hurt her. I cheated because I needed to get rid of the empty feeling. I needed to be reminded that this was not the end for me. That I could have someone who wouldn't attack, throw things and gas light to get their way. I needed to feel wanted, appreciated if only for a moment. That I deserved better. When I realized this, I ended both relationships quickly and have remained alone for the last 5 months to work on myself through therapy.

As much as I say no I  wouldn't cheat.

If I was a girl it might be different. As a man when we cheat we have to dish it out which crosses another internal boundary than if all we had to do was lay back and take it.

Also it tends to be a lot easier for a woman to cheat in general.

Actually it is NOT easier for a woman. We don't just lay there. Not to be too graphic, but taking someone into your body is not a tiny action. I was so hurt and angry, I just knew it wasn't right. Some people use booze to cope. I had sex unfortunately.  It was a mistake, but to say it may be easier for women is simply not true.

I'm sorry I was just trying to understand but I suppose I don't.

[Dutched]

I am just wondering, why would a healthy person (we, the non’s…) cheat when committed in a relationship?

Maybe I sound very, very old fashioned as I took my wedding vow serious and my ethics must be far above today’s “modern” standards.

Modern standard in which seemingly a committed r/s can/must be discarded if one needs (any needs) is not met. It seems almost common to see even a committed relationship as a business contract, certainly when one looks into the reasons of the divorce rate of ca. 40%.  

Despite the dysfunctional dynamics in our former r/s, is that (feelings of emptiness, (emotional) needs not met, etc.) an excuse for that behaviour, for cheating?

Only one person is to blame and that person is you! No one but you, yourself is responsible for cheating, as it was your choice, you were there, you were the one to set your own boundaries.

Certainly not to blame any “circumstances” as that are those “excuses” the BPDexes gave us to deflect and justify their actions!

We talk and talk on this Board how devastating the behaviours of BPS exes are/were, cheating and cheating, replacements lined up, the consequences for kids (if involved), the trust that is gone, etc.

Does this topic show any double standards?

[fred6]

In all honesty, I didn't cheat to get back at her. I didn't cheat to hurt her. I cheated because I needed to get rid of the empty feeling. I needed to be reminded that this was not the end for me. That I could have someone who wouldn't attack, throw things and gas light to get their way. I needed to feel wanted, appreciated if only for a moment. That I deserved better. When I realized this, I ended both relationships quickly and have remained alone for the last 5 months to work on myself through therapy.

As much as I say no I  wouldn't cheat.

If I was a girl it might be different. As a man when we cheat we have to dish it out which crosses another internal boundary than if all we had to do was lay back and take it.

Also it tends to be a lot easier for a woman to cheat in general.

Actually it is NOT easier for a woman. We don't just lay there. Not to be too graphic, but taking someone into your body is not a tiny action. I was so hurt and angry, I just knew it wasn't right. Some people use booze to cope. I had sex unfortunately.  It was a mistake, but to say it may be easier for women is simply not true.

Yeah, I wouldn't say it's easier for a man or a woman to cheat. I think it's up to the individual. My ex is always spouting off about God, says that I was her best relationship, says that due to prior abuse, "sex means nothing to her", and that she hates cheaters/once a cheater always a cheater.

So you have a self proclaimed christian, in the best relationship of her life, that hates cheaters and sex. Then she goes and cheats on me. Ha, ha, ha, you guys figure it out, makes no damn sense to me. That's some effin twisted logic

So I think it has more to do with a persons concept of right and wrong. Everyone makes mistakes, but in my opinion, there is never a justified reason to cheat on someone.

[Mutt]

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[Pingo]

I am just wondering, why would a healthy person (we, the non’s…) cheat when committed in a relationship?

Maybe I sound very, very old fashioned as I took my wedding vow serious and my ethics must be far above today’s “modern” standards.

Modern standard in which seemingly a committed r/s can/must be discarded if one needs (any needs) is not met. It seems almost common to see even a committed relationship as a business contract, certainly when one looks into the reasons of the divorce rate of ca. 40%.  

Despite the dysfunctional dynamics in our former r/s, is that (feelings of emptiness, (emotional) needs not met, etc.) an excuse for that behaviour, for cheating?

Only one person is to blame and that person is you! No one but you, yourself is responsible for cheating, as it was your choice, you were there, you were the one to set your own boundaries.

Certainly not to blame any “circumstances” as that are those “excuses” the BPDexes gave us to deflect and justify their actions!

We talk and talk on this Board how devastating the behaviours of BPS exes are/were, cheating and cheating, replacements lined up, the consequences for kids (if involved), the trust that is gone, etc.

Does this topic show any double standards?

I did not cheat on my ex, never felt tempted and if I had been tempted I wouldn't have gone through with it b/c I would have feared for my life or the life of my partner.  My ex said on more than one occasion that if I cheated the guy would get the lead treatment!

Having said that, I spent 4 yrs in a r/s that did a total mind ___ on me!  My 'self' got worn down so far I didn't know who I was anymore.  I understand how people can do things they wouldn't typically do when their sense of self has gone out the window and replaced with abuse and confusion.  I allowed my ex to abuse me.  And treat my kids like ___ at times (abuse).  I am ashamed of this.  This goes against my values.  My commitment as a mother.  But when in these r/ss everything is turned upside down.  I don't excuse my part.  But it is what it is.  I don't think there is room for judgement here.

[JRav59]

Thank you Pingo, that means a lot. I was so confused, anxiety ridden, exhausted and heart broken. My mind was not in the right place. I think having an abusive partner, you see sides of yourself you never thought you'd see. I fought the whole time on some level, because I could see myself being a doormat. No matter what angle I tried to communicate from, I got mean, angry and sometimes physical responses from her. Obviously it wasn't all terrible, or else I wouldn't have stayed as long. It's really hard to accept it. I thought maybe with therapy? Give it a real chance, etc. The best thing I could have done was to just leave. Which I did in the end. Unfortunately it took cheating to get me to see. It made the light bulb go off. It sucks that it happened that way but that light bulb saved my life/soul.  It's my burden to bear, no one elses. None of us are perfect and after all the anger and heartache for our BPDs is over, we need to look within ourselves to stitch up the wounds. For me, that's been really frightening, but it's something I need to do to make sure I don't have another toxic relationship. That I am OK within myself to just walk away before any real damage happens.

Thank you for those who have had kind responses. I understand we all have our wounds that we are trying to heal on here from our old relationships and this is obviously a hard topic for a lot of people. I felt the need to bring up this topic as I am very certain I am not the only one on here who has done it. I am also certain I am not the only person who stopped and thought, "Who have I become?" on some level.

JR

[Loveofhislife]

Thank you again, JR--I think my post may have been lost in the fray and I am asking Mutt for assistance in reframing that post in your thread. Thanks for leading the way.

[Mr Hollande]

I cheated on her a few times. Has anyone else done this to their ex BPD partner?

In the last year of our relationship yes. It was great. I have no regrets except that I didn't grab the girl I cheated on her with with both hands and ran for the hills. In less than a months time I'll be there to see her get married to someone who had the sense I lacked at the crucial moment. Live and learn. When Miss BPD found out she didn't like it of course. For as much as she tried to guilt trip me over it one would think it was the worst thing anyone had ever done to her in the whole wide world. The times she cheated on me in quite spectacular fashion was OK though. One standard for them and a different one for us. Whatever!

I cheated on my first BPD gf as well. It felt great! BPD 1 was incredibly racist and I sometimes wish I'd told her I slept with a girl of ethnic origin (yes, a complete mutt of a red hot blooded latina, YUM!) and only hours later slept with her. She would have freaked. Oh the schadenfreude!

While I would not otherwise condone cheating I think it was first of all a good indicator of how unhappy I was and secondly - and I admit it's a bit immature - it feels like I at least retaliated a little for the years of misery they inflicted on me.

[Duped11years]

A different perspective to this is my story, which is polarizing, but my exBPD was married, so was I, & her draw was to intense, I fell for her having NEVER even thought of cheating before. I ended it recently & am powering through NC.

In hindsight, through our discussions as friends, she knew exactly what I felt was important in a relationship & those things that were challenging with my W & she molded herself into the perfect answer/partner…she topped it off by being incredibly beautiful/sexy. We talked of marrying. My addiction/idealization of her gave her what she needed; someone to fawn over her & eventually someone she could take her wrath out on. Throughout the r/s, she constantly accused me of cheating. The most ironic/strange/twisted part was that she always accused me of cheating on her with my W.  The guilt she drove into me about that changed my behaviors at home. She even considered going to dinner alone w W cheating... .& when she found out? WW3!

Now that we’re done, & she’s finished with her current re-idealization w her H (which started before our relationship ended), she WILL cheat again. She was always getting hit on & she said she could get any man she wants. She needs her ego fed & another victim of her abuse. Will I? With anyone? Not a chance, that changed me in a bad way & had a similar effect on those around me.