Did you live with your pwBPD?

[Springle]

Did you ever live with your BPDgf/bf?

When did you move in with them? Did they change at all after that? How so?

I would think the close proximity would compound the issue, give them a tighter hold but make them more frightened of being enmeshed (have I got that term right?) so more chance for the dreaded push/pull tactics.

I had a roommate who for about 4 years dated a woman with uBPD. Originally she lived in the same tower block and would come up most nights, it took about 4/5 months before she started acting unusual, having awful panic attacks, raging and accusing him of things he hadn't done. Some time later we moved to a house not too far away from our first place, she hated her flatmates (apparently they were mean to her) and so spent about 90% of her time at ours. It was a nightmare, sometimes I would go hungry because getting to the kitchen to cook was impossible as they were screaming at each other from across the room. About a year after that she moved into another flat with some other friends of hers and we barely ever saw her, then blindsided him with a break up at Christmas . Poor guy was gutted, he's a great friend of mine since childhood and she totally changed him, he's only just re-adjusting 3 years later.

But yes, the point is the proximity obviously greatly increased the time they spent together so chances of rages, rows, crazy-making rode heavily on that. I'm really glad my roommate never invited her to officially live with us, he was debating it at one stag :S.

[Turkish]

Mine wanted me to move in after 5 months of knowing her and 3 of going out. I was over there 5/7 nights out of the week anyway. I wanted to extend it to 6 months, but I bought into the FOG, and she cried, "what's the matter, you don't love me?" and such. I thought I was just asking legitimate questions since I had lived on my own without even roommates for the past 9 years. I didn't even like having roommates before that.

The controlling behaviors started soon after I moved in, down to her getting mad at me for something like putting my clothes (yes, mine) in the dryer on a timed setting instead of the moisture setting. And "you know what pisses me off, so don't do it!" Over other things. Pressure for a baby soon after (that would be S4 now), whereas I wanted to wait another year even though we were engaged already, after our only recycle. My boundaries were l-o-u-s-y. A friend of mine told me a few months ago, referring to the recycle where the break up lasted all of less than a week and I hadn't even moved out though I was making plans for a quick exit: "you had your out once, and you didn't take it." He was correct, and here I am  

This is why I think her current r/s with my replacement could go on for a while, and my mistake is basing part of my detachment on them breaking up. He does what he does on his own time, and they don't have to live together. Less triggers. She told me while she was still living with me that he noticed her anger early on and asked her about it. I'm sure she told him she had anger issues, but unless he has to live with it 24/7, walking on eggshells in-between outbursts, then their r/s can probably handle it.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

I moved in but the arrangement was that I would only stay there 50 percent of the week to start off.  This only lasted a few weeks and the push/pull behaviour began. I really was walking on egg shells.  I had to ask myself why I just couldn't be myself when in her presence in the way that I could with previous girlfriends.  This was before I knew about BPD.

[Springle]

I moved in but the arrangement was that I would only stay there 50 percent of the week to start off.  This only lasted a few weeks and the push/pull behaviour began. I really was walking on egg shells.  I had to ask myself why I just couldn't be myself when in her presence in the way that I could with previous girlfriends.  This was before I knew about BPD.

I think that was the thing, it's hard adjusting living with anyone because you have to see all of them, the good and the bad. I think it does not help for pwBPD because they imagine the other person perfect and it ruins their image of them. Additionally they can't decide how much time they want to spend with the other person, living with someone sort of secures the majority of a person's time for the pwBPD but they feel threatened when they want to chose to do something outside that zone. In a way I think most pwBPD are surprised when living with someone does not equate to being able to putting their partner locked away in a little box when they go out, and taking them out to play when they get home; like a favourite toy :S.

[NorthLight]

She moved in after one week. ONE WEEK.

Hmm nothing changed the first few months, it was honeymoon. I was her Knight, she was my little vulnerable girl that didn't trust anyone but me; Her awful ex BFs (she dumped all of them), her family, her "friends", her coworkers, they all let her down and was mean, it was never her.

Then the anxiety and depression started, then shrink, then pills, then i helped her through two exhausting years, then when she got better she dumped me and moved out and NC ever since.

[Springle]

She moved in after one week. ONE WEEK.

Hmm nothing changed the first few months, it was honeymoon. I was her Knight, she was my little vulnerable girl that didn't trust anyone but me; Her awful ex BFs (she dumped all of them), her family, her "friends", her coworkers, they all let her down and was mean, it was never her.

Then the anxiety and depression started, then shrink, then pills, then i helped her through two exhausting years, then when she got better she dumped me and moved out and NC ever since.

May I ask, what made you accept her proposal to move in after only a week? Obviously that is a very short time, you must have felt confident about the relationship at the time to ask her to move in.

How about people who bought/rented a place with their pwBPD? So rather than you move in with them or they with you, you create a new place, new home together.

[NorthLight]

easy. She was my first love, SOO beautiful, and so good chemistry (like best friends from day 1, but very flirty too). So every time she made a new step (talking about future, family, kids, i love you, can i move in etc, all happening way too fast) it always just made me happy, and i felt like i was in a dream. i was 19 at that time and had never had a gf before.

If i had ever been in rs before her, i think i would see all those things as red flags, instead i saw it as "this must be meant to be! we must be soul mates like she claims!"

[rickdeckard]

She owns her own house, partially funded by a previous divorce. She was talking about moving me in. Glad it all crashed, she has made replacement move out three times (that I am aware of) better him than me. Good thing he doesnt own much. 

[freedom33]

I moved to her flat temporarily for a month (that was the plan) to try it out before we start searching for a place to properly live together. I moved in on the Sunday and had packed my bags and gone by Friday noon time... . 

[Deeno02]

I did not thank god. Her house was/still is in forclosure and shes in denial. She has 5 kids. Total chaos there. I have my house with my 2 kids. Always had that to fall back to when i would get yelled at. Almost though. I had bought an engsgement ring and was looking at houses big enough for us, when i totally went black and was dumped. Next day shes chatting up another dude and they are together. Been about a month now. She never new about the ring and house. She never will.

[Blimblam]

Yes me and my ex lived together about 75% of the relationship. It was so blissful at first I was able to deflect all her dysregulation helped her become aware of some I her drama triangles she was creating.  She actually was making progress untill. I had my own needs and had expectations. 

[Infern0]

No thank God.

She kept on hinting that she wanted me to get us a place but in my mind I was like this girl is not committing and there's no way I can tolerate living with her and her bringing her friendzoned Muppets over when I'm working late etc.

a huge part of me was screaming out that this wasn't going to work out. F.O.G did it's best to neuter my intellect and common sense but in the end it saved my ass.

In my heart I did not trust her. I thought I did but deep down her behaviour just wasn't right.

I shudder to think what would have become of me if I had moved in with her.

[goldylamont]

my experience was kind of different. we didn't move in until we were together 2.5 years. lived together 1.5. part of this was due to her moving closer to me about a year in with friends of hers and they got a really great house--so we were closer and both had good living situations. we spent a lot of time together and enjoyed each others' places. when she started asking that we find a place together it was actually quite reasonable since we'd been together 2 years. part of me was nervous but knew she was right. however it took 6 months to finally do it because of me--at the time i was looking into buying a property instead of renting. i had been saving and working towards an investment property for years, but i was still finalizing loan prequals, etc. so, i told her if i didn't buy anything in 4 months then we would find a place to rent. i don't know how but she was patient and waited and then on that day (i decided not to buy) we started looking at places. to her credit i don't know how the hell she showed so much patience considering her disposition but she did.

we lived here 1.5 years. i was nervous not because of her but simply b/c i had never lived with a gf before. it ended up being great. we got along better actually because i think us moving in softened her abandonment fears and reinforced that i was serious about the r/s. i enjoyed living with her. the last 6 months of the r/s slowly went to hell--i can say though that for me living with her didn't increase the drama i think perhaps i was able to better keep an eye on things. even in those last bad months i never felt like i didn't want her there, i was just confused as hell. i know it's different from most others but i think us living together helped quell issues and extend the r/s.

that being said, the two months where i was forced to live with her after i broke up with her were the hardest two months of my life. her attacks were passive, massive, unprovable, and full of vitriol, yeeeeehaw! i was kicking a cobra with me bare feet  

[Ihope2]

With me the intensity totally caught me.  Met him in Feb, communicating long distance by March/April.  May he came to my town, stayed at a guest house one night, then moved to my place and some weeks later we eloped to get married.  So many red flags, but I was in Cloud Cuckooland by this stage.  44 years of age and never married - and then this man swept me off my feet.  Lived together in my house for 11 months, but he started dysregulating severely a few days after our wedding.  The 11 months were hell.  He was in and out of a psychiatric hospital three times.  Suicidal and cutting himself and sending me constant stream of Whatsapp messages in his highly distressed state at home all day, while I had to keep it together at my job.

I was days away from checking in to a psychiatric hospital myself by the time the relationship hit rock bottom and he moved out and divorce was on the agenda.

[camuse]

I didn't live with her, she kept being kicked out of places but I never suggested it because I knew it would be hell.