2 'comforting' thoughts to help through NC and breakups

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi. I am about 2 months NC - about 2 months since my eyes opened as my jaw dropped, listening to the man who had professed his love do the absolute dishonourable dirty on me.

2 things keep swimming about my head and I thought I'd share them - they seem to give me a sense of sad calm just now.

1) He's trying to shaft me for over £10,000 that he owes me. I could not bear this initially - it was just SO horrendeous, SO unloving, SO unforgivable, SO hurtful, SO wrong - I was numb. Only now I see what a (twisted) gift this ending was and is... .what he has done and is trying to do IS SO unloving and hurtful but clearly, totally and undeniably WWWWRRRRROONNNNGGGGGGG! There is no way to misinterpret it. It is WRONG, he is WRONG, I have and am being WRONGED... .In a way he's granting me closure I would never had got from him just 'falling out of love with me' as it must feel when they just paint us black. He was faced with manning up and facing his responsibilities and he simply would NOT do it, and didn't care a jot about anyone else. The man I made love to has stolen thousands from ME and my 9 year old daughter. What more a gift to stop loving him could I ever have received. He didn't know how to love, my love was wasted - but I would never have been able to see that so clearly if he wasn't abusing ever ounce of trust now.

I loved him truly and deeply. He never know what a gift that was. Someone else will.

2nd thought - my counseller said something mind blowing today. Simple, but utterly effective. She said, 'It hurts because you are realising that he never loved you.' Wow. Never loved me. She is right, we all know that - in the sense that he is not capable of 'love', healthy love. But I was so taken in by the gestures, and announcements of love, and the B*****t, it's quite something to realise that that wasn't love.

I know he thinks he loved me - and for a while I did feel loved - but that was the idealisation stage, and really, 'I'd rather lose the highs, if it prevents the lows'.

He never did love me - not in a sane, balanced or safe way. And his disgusting, dishonourable exit has crystalised that. I am free without him and I will enjoy my life. He will rot in the abyss that is his empty chest. I pity him, and his next victim.

[Compassion14]

Hi. I am about 2 months NC - about 2 months since my eyes opened as my jaw dropped, listening to the man who had professed his love do the absolute dishonourable dirty on me.

2 things keep swimming about my head and I thought I'd share them - they seem to give me a sense of sad calm just now.

1) He's trying to shaft me for over £10,000 that he owes me. I could not bear this initially - it was just SO horrendeous, SO unloving, SO unforgivable, SO hurtful, SO wrong - I was numb. Only now I see what a (twisted) gift this ending was and is... .what he has done and is trying to do IS SO unloving and hurtful but clearly, totally and undeniably WWWWRRRRROONNNNGGGGGGG! There is no way to misinterpret it. It is WRONG, he is WRONG, I have and am being WRONGED... .In a way he's granting me closure I would never had got from him just 'falling out of love with me' as it must feel when they just paint us black. He was faced with manning up and facing his responsibilities and he simply would NOT do it, and didn't care a jot about anyone else. The man I made love to has stolen thousands from ME and my 9 year old daughter. What more a gift to stop loving him could I ever have received. He didn't know how to love, my love was wasted - but I would never have been able to see that so clearly if he wasn't abusing ever ounce of trust now.

I loved him truly and deeply. He never know what a gift that was. Someone else will.

2nd thought - my counseller said something mind blowing today. Simple, but utterly effective. She said, 'It hurts because you are realising that he never loved you.' Wow. Never loved me. She is right, we all know that - in the sense that he is not capable of 'love', healthy love. But I was so taken in by the gestures, and announcements of love, and the B*****t, it's quite something to realise that that wasn't love.

I know he thinks he loved me - and for a while I did feel loved - but that was the idealisation stage, and really, 'I'd rather lose the highs, if it prevents the lows'.

He never did love me - not in a sane, balanced or safe way. And his disgusting, dishonourable exit has crystalised that. I am free without him and I will enjoy my life. He will rot in the abyss that is his empty chest. I pity him, and his next victim.

[Pingo]

I understand what you mean, my situation is somewhat similar to yours in that my ex owes me about $10,000 that I'll never see unless I took him to court which I decided I won't do.  And he has some of my stuff that he won't return.  Ignores my attempts to get my stuff back.  If he had been reasonable after we broke up and made an attempt to show any kind of normal behaviour it would have made me doubt my decision to end the r/s.  You are right, it is a gift because there is no doubt that I did the right thing as he has made it so clear that he is impossible!  The real him has shown itself: pure selfish, vindictive, punishing, immature, troubled behaviour.  There is no denying, excusing or rationalising it any longer.

About what your counsellor said, it has only been in the last couple of weeks that I have come to an acceptance that this is the case, he didn't really love me, it was about needs fulfilled.  When I first heard about this possibility I couldn't wrap my head around it, couldn't imagine how the last 4 yrs were a fiction. It upset me terribly.  But for whatever reason I have accepted it now and it is quite freeing.   

[Compassion14]

Thanks for your reply Pingo. Have private messages you. C14

[Deeno02]

Wow guys, light bulb moment. She never loved me. I was getting her through a tough time (mom of 5, divorce, death of mother) nothing more.16 months and tossed one day, with replacement the next. Yay me.