Diagnosis + Treatment
The Big Picture
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? [ Video ]
Five Dimensions of Human Personality
Think It's BPD but How Can I Know?
DSM Criteria for Personality Disorders
Treatment of BPD [ Video ]
Getting a Loved One Into Therapy
Top 50 Questions Members Ask
Home page
Forum
List of discussion groups
Making a first post
Find last post
Discussion group guidelines
Tips
Romantic relationship in or near breakup
Child (adult or adolescent) with BPD
Sibling or Parent with BPD
Boyfriend/Girlfriend with BPD
Partner or Spouse with BPD
Surviving a Failed Romantic Relationship
Tools
Wisemind
Ending conflict (3 minute lesson)
Listen with Empathy
Don't Be Invalidating
Setting boundaries
On-line CBT
Book reviews
Member workshops
About
Mission and Purpose
Website Policies
Membership Eligibility
Please Donate
April 26, 2024, 09:43:12 PM
Welcome,
Guest
. Please
login
or
register
.
1 Hour
5 Hours
1 Day
1 Week
Forever
Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins:
Kells76
,
Once Removed
,
Turkish
Senior Ambassadors:
Cat Familiar
,
EyesUp
,
SinisterComplex
Help!
Boards
Please Donate
Login to Post
New?--Click here to register
Survey: How do you compare?
Adult Children Sensitivity
67% are highly sensitive
Romantic Break-ups
73% have five or more recycles
Physical Hitting
66% of members were hit
Depression Test
61% of members are moderate-severe
108
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
> Topic:
2 'comforting' thoughts to help through NC and breakups
Pages: [
1
]
Go Down
« previous
next »
Print
Author
Topic: 2 'comforting' thoughts to help through NC and breakups (Read 368 times)
Compassion14
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 94
2 'comforting' thoughts to help through NC and breakups
«
on:
October 06, 2014, 04:12:18 PM »
Hi. I am about 2 months NC - about 2 months since my eyes opened as my jaw dropped, listening to the man who had professed his love do the absolute dishonourable dirty on me.
2 things keep swimming about my head and I thought I'd share them - they seem to give me a sense of sad calm just now.
1) He's trying to shaft me for over £10,000 that he owes me. I could not bear this initially - it was just SO horrendeous, SO unloving, SO unforgivable, SO hurtful, SO wrong - I was numb. Only now I see what a (twisted) gift this ending was and is... .what he has done and is trying to do IS SO unloving and hurtful but clearly, totally and undeniably WWWWRRRRROONNNNGGGGGGG! There is no way to misinterpret it. It is WRONG, he is WRONG, I have and am being WRONGED... .In a way he's granting me closure I would never had got from him just 'falling out of love with me' as it must feel when they just paint us black. He was faced with manning up and facing his responsibilities and he simply would NOT do it, and didn't care a jot about anyone else. The man I made love to has stolen thousands from ME and my 9 year old daughter. What more a gift to stop loving him could I ever have received. He didn't know how to love, my love was wasted - but I would never have been able to see that so clearly if he wasn't abusing ever ounce of trust now.
I loved him truly and deeply. He never know what a gift that was. Someone else will.
2nd thought - my counseller said something mind blowing today. Simple, but utterly effective. She said, 'It hurts because you are realising that he never loved you.' Wow. Never loved me. She is right, we all know that - in the sense that he is not capable of 'love', healthy love. But I was so taken in by the gestures, and announcements of love, and the B*****t, it's quite something to realise that that wasn't love.
I know he thinks he loved me - and for a while I did feel loved - but that was the idealisation stage, and really, 'I'd rather lose the highs, if it prevents the lows'.
He never did love me - not in a sane, balanced or safe way. And his disgusting, dishonourable exit has crystalised that. I am free without him and I will enjoy my life. He will rot in the abyss that is his empty chest. I pity him, and his next victim.
Logged
Pingo
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 924
Re: 2 'comforting' thoughts to help through NC and breakups
«
Reply #1 on:
October 06, 2014, 04:51:40 PM »
I understand what you mean, my situation is somewhat similar to yours in that my ex owes me about $10,000 that I'll never see unless I took him to court which I decided I won't do. And he has some of my stuff that he won't return. Ignores my attempts to get my stuff back. If he had been reasonable after we broke up and made an attempt to show any kind of normal behaviour it would have made me doubt my decision to end the r/s. You are right, it is a gift because there is no doubt that I did the right thing as he has made it so clear that he is impossible! The real him has shown itself: pure selfish, vindictive, punishing, immature, troubled behaviour. There is no denying, excusing or rationalising it any longer.
About what your counsellor said, it has only been in the last couple of weeks that I have come to an acceptance that this is the case, he didn't really love me, it was about needs fulfilled. When I first heard about this possibility I couldn't wrap my head around it, couldn't imagine how the last 4 yrs were a fiction. It upset me terribly. But for whatever reason I have accepted it now and it is quite freeing.
Logged
Compassion14
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 94
Re: 2 'comforting' thoughts to help through NC and breakups
«
Reply #2 on:
October 06, 2014, 06:02:20 PM »
Thanks for your reply Pingo. Have private messages you. C14
Logged
Deeno02
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1526
Re: 2 'comforting' thoughts to help through NC and breakups
«
Reply #3 on:
October 06, 2014, 06:33:36 PM »
Wow guys, light bulb moment. She never loved me. I was getting her through a tough time (mom of 5, divorce, death of mother) nothing more.16 months and tossed one day, with replacement the next. Yay me.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?
Pages: [
1
]
Go Up
Print
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
> Topic:
2 'comforting' thoughts to help through NC and breakups
« previous
next »
Jump to:
Please select a destination:
-----------------------------
Help Desk
-----------------------------
===> Open board
-----------------------------
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
-----------------------------
=> Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
=> Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting
=> Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
-----------------------------
Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD
-----------------------------
=> Son, Daughter or Son/Daughter In-law with BPD
=> Parent, Sibling, or In-law Suffering from BPD
-----------------------------
Community Built Knowledge Base
-----------------------------
=> Library: Psychology questions and answers
=> Library: Tools and skills workshops
=> Library: Book Club, previews and discussions
=> Library: Video, audio, and pdfs
=> Library: Content to critique for possible feature articles
=> Library: BPDFamily research surveys
Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife
Loading...