My birthday, my rant.

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hey guys.

Its my birthday today and I knew Id get some punishment from my uPDs. I had a good day, will get me a gift as soon as I have the time and many people cared about me to wish me well.

But still, it bothers me that my exSO (now a "friend" picked for a fight a couple of days ago and I fell for it. The result> punishment by ignoring me on my birthday. I saw it coming, it had happened before. Hes the master in silent treatment, has punished me with it for months (started with days, then weeks then months). We live in separate countries and he has a need to control me. And the stupid me cant cut all the ties, although I detached a lot. I wonder why so much anger and sadism. What did I do to them?

I understand I cant control anybody and Im aware they are just helpless cases, but still, WHY there are so many PDs in my life? My uBPDs, who ignored me too. Now I see I was ignored basically my whole life, they have NO INTEREST in knowing how you feel, what you want, what your needs and desires are. They are just black holes that kill everything on their way.

In days like this I cant help thinking what made me put up with so much unacceptable behaviour. I must be crazier than them.

Sorry for the rant and thank you for reading.

[Louise7777]

Hey guys.

Its my birthday today and I knew Id get some punishment from my uPDs. I had a good day, will get me a gift as soon as I have the time and many people cared about me to wish me well.

But still, it bothers me that my exSO (now a "friend" picked for a fight a couple of days ago and I fell for it. The result> punishment by ignoring me on my birthday. I saw it coming, it had happened before. Hes the master in silent treatment, has punished me with it for months (started with days, then weeks then months). We live in separate countries and he has a need to control me. And the stupid me cant cut all the ties, although I detached a lot. I wonder why so much anger and sadism. What did I do to them?

I understand I cant control anybody and Im aware they are just helpless cases, but still, WHY there are so many PDs in my life? My uBPDs, who ignored me too. Now I see I was ignored basically my whole life, they have NO INTEREST in knowing how you feel, what you want, what your needs and desires are. They are just black holes that kill everything on their way.

In days like this I cant help thinking what made me put up with so much unacceptable behaviour. I must be crazier than them.

Sorry for the rant and thank you for reading.

[enlighten me]

Hi Louise

Happy birthday.

Its funny how BPDs avoid other peoples birthdays. This isn't the first time Ive read about them picking fights before a birthday.

Hope you managed to have a good day despite the behaviour of others.

[fromheeltoheal]

Happy Birthday!

What did I do to them?

Seems to me it can be as simple as being happy and content and having our act together; a borderline compares that to their inner world and feels resentment and then shame, and there's always projection of that on someone else as a coping tool.

Now I see I was ignored basically my whole life, they have NO INTEREST in knowing how you feel, what you want, what your needs and desires are.

I find it helpful to remember someone with a personality disorder isn't capable of knowing how someone else feels or what they want or need; that doesn't make it OK, but it just might be true and it feels better.

Take care of you!

[Louise7777]

Thank you, enlightenme. Yep, I have read other cases here. The good side is people here can really relate. I did have a good day.

Fromheretoheal, thank you too. I didnt think about it that way... .But certainly there´s something in me that makes them angry, for whatever reason. Why me and not others are the target? Thats an answer Ill never have, but your theory is a good one.

My xSO isnt BPD, hes uPAPD and passive-aggressive PDed people love to use silent treatment and to punish others. They have this rage inside them all the time (I guess BPD also does somehow) so they have to get rid of it at some point and Im the kind of person who endures it... .I need stronger boundaries, they keep pushing mine or finding new ways to hurt me.

[Harri]

Hi Louise and Happy birthday!  =]

Okay, as you know, ST is a big trigger for me.  I hate it, but a very smart person named Louise7777  told me to empower myself by embracing the ST and calling it for what it is.  Sound familiar?  LOL  It was brilliant advice.

But certainly there´s something in me that makes them angry, for whatever reason.

Forgive me Louise, but this is wrong thinking.  Yeah, I said wrong.  It is not that there is something in *you*.  It is that there is something in them that drives them to treat people in cruel ways.  Perhaps he is responding to some quality in you that he wishes he had, or maybe he still has some feelings for you I don't know and we probably never will know for sure.  But the fact is, he/they are responding to something within their own being that is driving the behavior.  I may be splitting hairs here and I am probably projecting (LOL) but (!) I have been on a kick about watching my words.  The words i use to express myself give me a glimpse of what is going on in me just like my behaviors do, so of course I have honed in on your words here. 

So yeah, I just went on a bit of a rant... .ummm... .Happy birthday Louise!   

[Rifka]

Happy birthday!


They are not happy if we are, but it's your day!

Rifka

[Ihope2]

Hi Louise7777

I hope you had a nice day on your birthday, regardless. 

Don't beat yourself up - the thing is to detach and try to expect NOTHING from pwPD's.  They are unable to give anything that is healthy and balanced and joyful.

Like you, I have had my moments when I wondered "Why the heck do I attract so many unbalanced people into my life?".  But you see, we probably grew up with PD folks in our family of origin.  This is what we came to know and get used to, and we had to develop our own coping style to handle such people.  My father was at times very dismissive, hard and sarcastic and very impatient and also had a deep anxiety about life in general.  My mother I am convinced now has a Dependent Personality and has throughout her life attracted a succession of domineering, emotionally vacant and cruel men with Narcissistic traits.  My stepfather growing up was I am sure a NPD.  And the man she is currently married to (my mom is now 70 but still very conscious about acting and looking younger than her years) is a few years younger than her, and is also very aggressive and bombastic and I think he could also be NPD, possibly BPD.  His parents are still alive, and are also quite strange, I think his mom is somewhat histrionic and his father it seems is now senile, but was a very aggressive man in his prime, too.

Me, in turn, I developed into a codependent rescuer type of person in my relationships.  I either totally isolated myself and lived alone as a hermit, or I went in to relationships with guys who seemed friendly and ok.  But then they turned out to be very troubled and angry and emotionally unavailable to me.  I think I have been involved with a psychotic man who smoked too much weed, and I have had a near-miss Internet based dating experience with a NPD, followed by a two year relationship with a divorced NPD, followed then by an 11 month marriage to a man with BPD.  And also previously, I spent 5 years in a relationship with a very passive-aggressive, avoidant type of man.

Now I have come full circle and I realise that  previously I have attracted such type of men to my life, because my childhood shaped and groomed me to tolerate and co-exist with people with PD, and especially my mother as a role model, modelled really unhealthy types of intimate relationships to me as a child and young woman growing up!

I think you will find now that as your awareness develops about your own FOO issues and your own relationship dynamics, you will consciously start to make healthier relationship decisions and your very being will "vibrate" with a different energy, and you will attract healthier people into your life.

[Louise7777]

Hi Harri and thank you for the compliments, it was very nice of you.   Im sorry you went through so many episodes of ST, must have been devastating, specially while being a child.

Let me explain myself: I dont mean there´s something exactly "wrong" with me, but it makes me wonder why they treat some people so nicely and others so badly. Id be "ok" if they were cruel to all under the same circumstances, but what happens is they choose some people to hurt. Maybe by being empathic... or maybe cause Im caring... .somehow, they feel authorized to disrespect me. I was wondering about that. A friend said (regarding somebody else) that people are treated how they allow others to treat them. To some extent, thats true. By lacking boundaries and letting things go, we give them a free pass over and over...

I believe he has some feelings still, although he is emotionally unavailable, but it seems Im the closest to a r/s he ever had. And I endured his STs and gave him N supply without noticing it. I believe he stopped the ST when he realized I was gone (I established lots of boundaries and distanced myself emotionally from him), but at some point his old habits come back. These avoidant passive-aggressive types crave love but they dont want to be attached to another person, they are afraid of being abandoned... .Which happens in the end cause of their actions. A self-fullfilling prophecy, so weird! Regardless, ST is a sadistic tool and I have to cut the cord, I feel Im watching the same movie, over and over, the same ending again and again, there´s no hope of a slight change in here.

Rifka, you sumed it up pretty well! I noticed exactly that regarding one of mine uBPD relatives: she is very envious and jealous. She needs to put people down so she feels better. Maybe its her N traits, but it goes beyond, she is sadistic and gets get when people are sick, for example. In family gatherings I have noticed her looking at me with so much rage, while Im chatting with others... .It was surprising back then (not anymore!).

[Louise7777]

Ihope2, thank you so much for sharing your experience! You are right, nothing comes from them, except toxicity and definetly, not joy! Like you, I grew up around pwPDs. Most of them were/are. And if they are not, they are enablers, which I think personally its even worse.

"I either totally isolated myself and lived alone as a hermit, or I went in to relationships with guys who seemed friendly and ok.  But then they turned out to be very troubled and angry and emotionally unavailable to me"

This could had been written by me! I dated 2 guys who were passive-aggressive. One after the other. Yep, they seem very normal and nice at first, but are capable of being very cruel and controlling. Both gave me the silent treatment. Its sad and I feel sorry for them, they will never have a fullfilling r/s in their lives. The first was divorced and had adult kids, but he blew it, although he described it as he being the victim (of course!). Both are avoidant, I believe.

Like you, I was repeating my r/s with my father (who had ignored me completely, although Im an only child and was an alcoholic). I always thought this repeating thing was a fairytale but now I see how I choose the same kind of men, although in the outside they are very different, but as time goes by I realize I pick unavailable men. At least now I recognize the pattern and can make better choices (althought Im a hermit lately).

Im sorry you too had to grown up with such rolemodels. But Im glad you can see it for what it is now. I think you are very wise and managed something many people never do: to get out of the fog. To me, thats a HUGE accomplishment.

Thank you so much for your words!

[Ihope2]

Here's to all of us - getting out of the fog is a long, hard process!

[Blimblam]

When i hear "people treat others how u allow them to treat you". For me it is now a huge red flag. The only people I know say that, or post it on fb are abusive people. One guy I know that said that is into all that success cult stuff where he actively studies how to be a manipulator.

My best friend who I am teaming a break from perhaps forever told me that too whilst he blamed and shamed me over this last rs I was in and then went on to for every other decision I made in my life.

My mom said that, who has a severe case of BPD. My step mom said it who is on the cluster b spectrum.

The only people I know that say that are people who use it to shame their victims because they themselves are abusive or oppressive to others.

[Louise7777]

Thank you, Blimblam! I was discussing that sentence with a friend of mine and she thinks its very true. I dont think she´s BPD, but clearly she´s a control freak.

I hadnt seen it from your perspective, but now I see you are right. But to put it in contect, I believe it all depends on who says it and what are the motivations. Or Im deluding myself. 

I interpreted it as "setting boundaries". If it comes from an abused person, it means to me the person learnt it in therapy, for ex. She/ he learnt about the dysfunctional dance of disrespect and abuse.

But it may well be what you said and can be a very cold and selfish statement that places the blame on the victim herself.

Im tending to see it in your way now... .

[Blimblam]

Thank you, Blimblam! I was discussing that sentence with a friend of mine and she thinks its very true. I dont think she´s BPD, but clearly she´s a control freak.

I hadnt seen it from your perspective, but now I see you are right. But to put it in contect, I believe it all depends on who says it and what are the motivations. Or Im deluding myself.  

I interpreted it as "setting boundaries". If it comes from an abused person, it means to me the person learnt it in therapy, for ex. She/ he learnt about the dysfunctional dance of disrespect and abuse.

But it may well be what you said and can be a very cold and selfish statement that places the blame on the victim herself.

Im tending to see it in your way now... .

Your very welcome Louise

The sad thing is when I began to accept this "mantra" I was abusing myself. I see it as a mantra and a very dangerous one. In turn I think this mantra can cause one to become passive aggressive without even realizing it. I see it has having elements of truth to it but as a sort of justification for why people have cut themselves off from theirself and like you said are now control freaks.

It makes me think of that line from the big labowski where the dude says, "your not wrong your just an a$$ hole"

It's not that it isn't true but it fails to make onen aware of  the insidious complexities of emotionally abusive behavior.

When I listen to the follow up to what people say after a statement like that then their true colors are shown. 

[Louise7777]

Blimblam, thats a red flag I had missed. Oh boy, dont even tell me about passive-aggressive traits. I dont want to be like that, I have endured an uPAPD for so long that I just want to run to the hills. I feel a PA is abut revenge and I dont have such feelings, fortunately.

On a side note, Im reading "How to live with an idiot" by John Ho*ver (the surname gets corrected, dont know why). Its interesting and I feel validated when he talks about hurricanes (or vortex, not sure cause Im not reading it in English), jaguars and beavers (borderlines, narcs and co-depend). I was going to open a thread on it but didnt kow exactly where.

[Blimblam]

I grew up with a papd/BPD half brother.   I don't have much remorse for him as I can remember the sociopath and it is much much different than my BPD ex. Though she does have a sociopathic component.

The thing is we didn't choose where we came from we were just born and it's like the lottery what we were born into.

My mom is a pwBPD, it was no choice of mine. She imprinted into my memory and now I am attracted to women with BPD. Not a choice I made.

So while yes, "people treat me how I allow them to treat me". Their are choices involved that I never made.  My ex didn't choose to be BPD either.

It's like the fault is with the designer.

I would be interested in hearing about that book especially if it's of French origin.

[Louise7777]

I didnt know BPDs could have PA traits (mine are usually ragers as 3 year-olds).

The book is this one: www.amazon.com/How-Live-With-Idiot-Creatures/dp/1564147703.

I wouldnt buy it, though. A friend has it and whe we were talking about dealing with difficult people, she lent it to me. I believe the author is American, I didnt check.

He uses analogies to explain PDs and condependants/ enablers. But since we know the technical terms, it looks more for "amateurs". But it was still interesting and validating. He mentions many times the need to get a support group.